What the fuck even is a life coach?
If you’ve ever wondered what a life coach is, if you’ve wondered if it’s complete bullshit, if you’ve ever thought about hiring one but you’re not quite sure how it works or what they do, or if you’re simply curious about the whole thing, this post is for you!
Here, I’m debunking myths and getting really honest about what life coaching is (and isn’t), to help you figure out if coaching is for you, and if so, what to expect and look out for.
I’ll also talk you through figuring out if a coach is for you, how to tell the difference between good coaches and wildly unethical ones before you pay and learn that the hard way and what to look out for when working out if someone is a good fit for you.
First, some context.
Here in the UK, we’re still getting our head around having a therapist. Up until now, therapy has felt like an American trend. For a starters, we call it counselling, and unfortunately it still comes with stigma for some people.
And then when you add life coaching into the mix, many people respond with blank stares. I know that only too well when I tell people what I do.
It’s got a bad rap because so often we associate it with:
Ridiculously cheesy American (sorry American friends!) adverts of middle-aged white men shouting motivational but ultimately empty platitudes and cashing in top dollar for the privilege of being in their presence. The ideas we have of coaching can be a bit on the sleazy and corporate side of things.
People who have got everything figured out, who have solved the riddle of live, have built the perfect life and are going to charge you handsomely to teach you how to do what they did and get the same results.
Hopefully, the fact that you’re reading this in the first place means you’ve figured out that the perfect life doesn’t exist and someone shouting motivational things at you doesn’t work.
You’ve seen through the bullshit, but that leaves you with the question - well, what the fuck is life coaching then?
I think the best place to start is by dispelling the myths:
Myth 1: A coach tells you exactly what you need to do.
A good coach isn’t someone who’s going to tell you what to do. Instead, they’re going to work with you to find the next steps, figure out what’s holding you back and get you to where you want to be. Instead of giving you marching orders, they’ll ask you provoking questions, brainstorm with you, help you formulate plans and keep you accountable.
The idea of paying someone to tell you exactly what you need to do does sounds tempting, but it just doesn’t work like that. You’re the only one who can decide what is right for you, and you already have all the answers you need inside you, what you need is someone to help pull them out.
Myth 2: Coaching is just therapy/counselling with a different name
Absolutely not. There is a HUGE difference between coaching and counselling. The easiest way to think of it is this:
Counselling is diving into your past, exploring trauma, working out why you think the way you do and healing past wounds.
Coaching is about looking forward and building the life you want to live. It’s about practically working out where you want to go and how you’re going to get there. Coaching doesn’t deal with past trauma or provide you with psychological support.
If I am on a discovery call with someone and what I think they need is counselling, I will tell them. A good coach will be very clear about their remits, and what they can and can’t support you with.
Myth 3: Coaches can guarantee results
A good coach won’t guarantee results.
I know it sounds like an oxymoron but let me explain, because this is one of the biggest truths of life coaching that coaches shy away from, or avoid completely.
Now, I know you like certainty, and I know you want to know for certain whether the investment (time/energy/money) is going to pay off, but the truth is coaches can’t guarantee results any more than a personal trainer can guarantee results.
Why?
Because ultimately the success is in your hands. It’s a bit like a personal trainer guaranteeing someone they can help them lose a certain amount of weight or lift a certain weight. They can support and help all they can, but ultimately it’s up to the person to go to the gym, put the work in and show up. Coaching is about being pro-active and taking responsibility.
If someone comes to me wanting to write a book, I’m not going to promise them that they’re going to write a book. What I can promise them is that I’ll do everything in my power to get them writing. We’ll explore what’s stopping them from writing, we’ll brainstorm the book and flesh it out (if that’s what they want to do), we’ll find a routine, explore all the obstacles, I’ll keep them accountable, and I’ll do everything I can to support them. But I’m won’t be writing the book for them so I can’t guarantee they’ll write it. As much as they sometimes might like, I can’t literally force them to sit at the desk and get the words out.
All this is to say, if someone can guarantee they can take you from A to B, be wary.
So how on earth do you work out if someone is a good fit for you?
How do you work out if they speak your own language and if they’re the person to help you?
How do you tell the good ones from the ones bottling snake oil?
Most coaches offer a consultation to see if you’re a good fit, and they can range anywhere from 20 minutes to 45 minutes.
They might be called a free call, a consultation, a breakthrough session or a discovery call. I call mine a discovery call because it’s about exploring if we’re a good fit for each other (on both sides).
It can be misleading when it’s advertised as a free coaching session, because that’s not what it is or should be. Of course you might gain clarity and a next step for what you’re working through, but that’s not the aim.
The aim is to see if you’re a good fit. It’s an opportunity for you to determine if they’re a good fit for you and if their style works for you, and for the coach to determine what you’d like support with and if they can help, and how they can help.
During a discovery call you’ll get a feel for the person, if they speak your language and understand your struggles, if they align with your values, if they get you and usually you have a gut feeling.
A good coach:
won’t guilt trip you into signing up for their services
encourage you to sign up and pay on the spot
encourage you to put the payment on a credit card if you can’t afford it. (Yep, this happens).
will not tell you life is going to be [insert your biggest fear here] if you don’t work with them
tell you they have life figured out and tell you about their perfect life
But they will:
encourage you to go away and think about it and not pressure you into signing up
ask you questions and listen.
say no if you are in financial difficulties and they think paying for their services could put you into further financial hardship
be perfectly happy with you reaching out to past clients and people who have written them a testimonial
Ultimately, they will tell you if they don’t think they’re the right fit for you.
And if they’re not a good fit, they might recommend someone who would be a better fit for you or suggest an avenue to explore.
For example, I coach creative and multi-passionate women who want to find the things only they can do, build a impactful, joyful and creative life that both fulfils them and leave the world a brighter place. While I may be the perfect coach for creatives, mission-driven entrepreneurs, activists and multi—passionate women, if someone came to me with the primary goal of becoming an investment banker, I would refer them on. It’s not that I couldn’t help someone with the process of becoming an investment banker, it’s just that I wouldn’t be the best fit for the job.
Any good coaching relationship puts YOU at the centre.
So now we know how to tell the real deal from the wildly unethical, and you’re thinking of booking a discovery call, here are some tips to help you on the call:
Tips & Questions to help you make the most out of a discovery call and see if they’re the right fit:
Be open about where you want to go and what has and hasn’t worked for you
If you don’t know where you want to go - be honest about that! This is often the first thing you’ll work on
Ask them how they would approach your situation and what kind of work you might expect to be doing
Ask them if they’ve worked with similar people or people in a similar boat and to share their experiences
The bottom line?
Ultimately, only you can tell if someone is the right fit for you. Go with your gut and go with what feels right for you.
A good coach will know this is a big decision and accept that sometimes you’re not a good match, you’re not ready or you’d be better suited with someone else.
And to end, a piece of advice that I think works for most situations in life:
Treat finding a coach like finding a good bra.
You’re looking for something uplifting and supportive.
It needs to do more than look good on the outside.
It needs to be a good fit.
And it needs to make you feel good about yourself.
I hope this answers all the questions you have! If not, you can reach out anytime at meg [at] therebelrousers.com :)