Guest Post: An Open Letter to Anyone Who’s Ever Had Their Ass Kicked

This is for anyone who knows what it feels like to get your ass kicked and still insists on coming out on the other side more alive, present, whole, and human than you ever dreamed possible. You’re not alone. I get it. To say what you’ve been through “sucks” is a gross understatement and if you’re still pissed about the whole thing, that’s freaking fine. Healing takes time. So does forgiveness. So does growth. Don’t rush yourself. My name’s Heather, I’m a pro blogger, and I write exclusively about dream chasing over on Hiya Tootsie! Writing and cheering on other chicks to jump head first into their passions is my jam. I made up my mind to lead the charge when I decided to leave the personal shit show that was my previous career.

This decision was a true sorry-not-sorry awakening of heart.

To be fair, when I have my good moments of remembrance, the terrible parts were peppered with hallelujahs. But if you’ve stared into the gaping throat of hell in any capacity, you’ll know what I mean when I say it doesn’t always feel worth it. As a former missionary, I don’t think I’m allowed to say that, but I’m also not about to dishonor my story by sugarcoating the truth.

I used to work as an advocate and activist in the porn industry. When women and men were ready to get the hell out, I was part of helping them make the transition. I also worked extensively to educate the often painfully clueless public about the horrific nature of what their porn consumption contributed to.

In my career, I’ve been to 15+ porn conventions, met, befriended, and aided porn star after porn star after porn star, educated hundreds of fans, countless addicts, and more misogynists than I care to shake a stick at, went before lawmakers and health officials, encountered severe sexual trauma, suicide attempts, ER visits, mental hospitals, drug and alcohol addiction, and incessant cover ups.

I was bombarded with personal stories and high def footage of [gratuitous and horrific violence (edited for That Hummingbird Life readers)]. The constant flash of cameras capturing chaos, everyday men with giant smiles labeling it all “exciting,” couples who somehow thought violence and degradation would spice up their sex life, lifeless eyes, voices stuck around the age of 7 because that’s what sells, disease, addiction, and mental illness. I could go on. This is just the little bit I’m comfortable sharing at this point.

It fucking got to me.

And you know what? I’m not sorry for telling the truth, for choosing to use colorful language, or for still being in process. I took an entire year off to attempt to recover. I’m nearly three years out and I still deal with ramifications from the work, only now, to a much lesser degree. I had no idea how to take care of myself and though people prayed and applauded the work, I sure as shit didn’t have folks knocking down my door to ask me how I really was. Looking back, that’s what I needed. But then again, I felt like there was too much I couldn’t talk about and I didn’t actually know how I was until I got out. I had never heard words like vicarious trauma, burnout, compassion fatigue, and adrenal fatigue until long after the fact.

During my full-time healing year, I decided that the only thing I wanted to do was figure out who the hell Heather was again, revive her spirit, and give her room to swing her truth around in wild, raucous joy.

I started practicing self-care – therapy once a week, regular naturopath doctor visits, daily supplements, as much sleep as I needed, prayer, yoga stretching, bubble baths, massage, writing down my feelings, actuallyletting myself feel, practicing strict boundaries, letting go of toxic relationships, diving head first into Brené Brown’s work, and dreaming about what could be next.

All I wanted was a chance to take the girl who just wanted to help people, ended up getting the shit kicked out of her, and encourage her to march to a new beat. Only this time around, I wanted the beat to sound like “human” instead of “warrior.”

I have my degree in words. They call it Professional Writing, but really, it’s just a degree in sheer Word Nerdery. I’ve long believed that the power of life and death is in the tongue, and despite the trauma, this was the major reason my previous career was worth it to me. I learned how to connect with human hearts, story, and speak life into people. That’s all I ever wanted to do and it’s still my constant prayer. The difference now is that I am doing it in a way that honors and includes me.

Hiya Tootsie! is not just a blog. Hiya Tootsie! is a mother effing line in the sand. It represents making it out alive, figuring out how to do human well, not just hanging onto my faith but strengthening it, and carving a path to follow my dreams.

Baby, if I can do it, so can you.

I know a lot of you have been through serious shit. But the shit show does not define you. I didn’t let it define me and you don’t have to either. You have more worth and purpose prancing around inside of you than you’ll ever know what to do with. Who cares if you need to get some healing under your belt? Who the hell doesn’t? You’ve lived. This journey we’re on is about catapulting from survive to thrive and it’s about time we freaking rock it.

The new path will not always be rosy. I can personally attest that there are old landmines here and there along the way. You will get triggered and you will get through it with dignity, grace, and a deeper understanding of your holy, beautiful self. The only difference between your then and your now is that just like me, you’ll get better and better at spotting those landmines long before they have any shot in hell of blowing up your progress.

 Go do what is in you to do.

Your story is what makes you who you are – the great, ugly, heartbreaking, and hilariously triumphant.

We are a sisterhood of badass broads who know that the word badass means “vulnerable” and the word vulnerable means “brave.” So be your vulnerable, brave, badass self. I got my ass kicked and I’m doing it. Show up, prove to me that I’m not alone, and tell me who you are. We’ve got lives to live and dreams to chase.

Let’s rock this shit, kittens.

Heather bio

You can find Heather here: Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

They're lying! On get rich/happy quick schemes and bullshit free dream chasing

The truth will set you free, right? It also has a tendency to make you pretty unpopular. But, we don't care about popularity around here. We care about dream chasing, living for a purpose, and standing up yourself even when it's doesn't make you a cool kid. Sometimes, especially when it doesn't make you a cool kid. So, I got pretty pissed off yesterday. I was checking in to Twitter like I normally do, and I'm getting pretty good at ignoring stupid hashtag trends, but this one I couldn't shake:

#solveyourproblemsin4words (or something to this extent)

Wondering what the most common answers were? Easy - 'Win the lottery now. 'A fat pay check' and so on.

I am so fucking tired of this myth

That some external miracle is going to come and solve every single issue you could ever have (spoiler alert: it won't), and that someone is going to come knocking at your door and give you all the answers.

That you can make 6 figures in 6 minutes, that you can work for an hour a day and become a millionaire, that you can basically sit on your ass, think of money, and some will fall out of the sky right onto your lap.

And I'm really sick of marketers massively exploiting dream chasers like you and me, who don't just want to make money, we want to put good shit into the world.

Because, let's face it. It's a hell of a lot harder putting yourself out there and making your own income when you give a shit about the world, you have a passion and a cause and you have ethics. (There, I said it. I used the E word.)

We're not out to make a quick buck. We're in it for the long haul, to somehow make a difference, to inspire, to change things, to shake shit up.

And chances are, we also don't have the ridiculous amount of money needed (or the desire) to outsource all the work that takes the hard work out of making money. Nor would we want to gain from cheap labour and words that aren't ours.

Let's be honest.

No magic drink is going to make me a hundred pounds lighter, the same way as a £10,000 retreat isn't going to make you successful.

What's more likely to make you successful is spending an afternoon with a bunch of coloured pens and a drawing pad, working out what success means for you.

And what's more likely to make me a hundred pounds lighter is going for more walks and limiting my chocolate intake.

What's more likely to make you more money is figuring out what you love to do and how much money you really need or want.

These people who are out to solve all your problems in 5 easy steps? It's bullshit.

There are no 5 easy steps to happiness.

No 5 easy steps to make you a more positive person

There are no 5 quick things you can do to give yourself the body of Jennifer Anniston, the wealth of Bill Gates or the success of Taylor Swift.

There just aren't.

And when you stop reading the bullshit that tells you otherwise, you actually get somewhere. You start making those plans, working on your confidence, setting yourself goals and following you own intuition.

And when you start to realise that those 5 steps, those 4 quick hours, those six figure fixers are bullshit and just don't exist, you're going to feel liberated.

You'll realise that doing things your way is more than okay. That you have you own definition of success, and your own way of getting there.

That's not to say there aren't people out there who can help you.

Of course there are. But make sure they're people who are speaking your language. Who share your values. And who are totally upfront about the amount of hard work and courage it takes to chase your dreams.

You've got all the answers inside you, you've got the creativity, the determination and the passion to create your own version of success.

And you've got the common sense in your head that tells you that not all problems can be solved - but they can be halved when shared with a friend and a cup of the tea :)

Dream chasers, bold and courageous women, passionate and compassionate souls? We're being sold a lie.

And damn right we're not going to take it anymore.

Seeing life as an adventure - boring bits included

Sometimes it seems like our lives are made up of a seemingly random occurrence of events. We mark some of our experiences down as mundane and unremarkable, and others become stories of adventure and excitement for the people around us.

Let's take some adventures that I've had in my life so far.

I've ridden a donkey in Petra and got stuck in a donkey-camel-horse traffic jam, got proposed to in Ghana amidst  severe food poisoning (not by Mr Meg),  leaned my boobs against Bill Gates during a photo op for the Global Poverty Project and trained as an advanced laughter yoga facilitator.

They're pretty funny stories and good fun to tell. But those experiences alone don't even add up to 1% of who I am or how I spend my time and live my life. Those experiences tell some of my story, but leave out the vast amount. They leave out daily chores, habits, and how I spent my downtime which might be pretty dull for some.

And that's the problem with only viewing the interesting bits in life as an adventure, instead of the whole thing.

While we're now able to see more vividly into people's lives, what we end up seeing is a showcase of people's lives in their extremes. Look at Facebook as an example.

On our news feeds, we see the excitement: the cocktails, the holidays and the cute baby/puppy pics, and we see the tragedy: the redundancies, loss of a family member and the really shit times.

The mundane and the every day are completely ignored in favour of epic stories of adventure.

And it can be really hard to merge the two and see them as part of the same story.

Like future tripping, we spend so long planning for adventures, and looking forward to the times that are exciting that we don't enjoy the present.

Not only that, adventure becomes linked to things that cost money and we have to travel to far away places for. The mundane what we fill our day to day life with becomes the padding in between?

But that padding? That is the stuff that makes us human. Decisions we make on a daily basis and the way we choose to live our lives. The way we treat strangers. The times when getting out of bed feels impossible and we just want to put the duvets over our heads.

Sure, talking about those things is vulnerable and scary, but they're what connects us. They help us become relatable, rather than an entertaining story.

[Tweet "When you start to think of your life more of an adventure rather than a mixture of random experiences, some positive, some negative, it all starts to make sense."]

Like Ronan Keating kept telling us (and telling us and telling us) in the year 2000, life is a rollercoaster, just gotta ride it.

Celebrating the shit out of your small wins

When it comes to standing up for yourself, changing habits, achieving goals, and basically anything in life, there's one thing that's going to help. And that's starting to celebrate the shit out of your small wins.

So, what is a small win?

It’s doing something small that will help you achieve a larger goal, or helps you into doing something bigger.

I know that sounds really shitting obvious, but often, we don’t take the time to see all the little things that amalgamate to the big thing.

I mean, we could all do with the reminder every now and about that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Because something that’s really easy to forget.

As technology changes, we’re getting used to instant gratification. Want to buy something? Quick click and it’s done. Want to learn a new skill? Sure, there are a thousand video tutorials to choose from.

And at some point we started applying the same strategy to our goals.

We start wanting to achieve our goals before we’ve even decided what they are.

So when we decide that we need to learn to say no, we expect ourselves to be able to do it straight away.

The thing about small wins

is that once you start celebrating them, the journey gets that much better, because we’re giving ourselves a boost and acknowledging our achievements.

Think about that infamous saying, happiness is a journey, not a destination.

It’s so true.

And if we can make that journey even richer, the better.

So, today, I’m going to share a small win I had yesterday.

Our landlady has just arranged for someone she knows to clean our windows. We already have a window cleaner we pay privately, but obviously, it make economic sense to cancel our window cleaner, and go with the new one, which will be covered by our landlords.

That of course involves telling someone I don’t want their service anymore.

It might not be for you, but for me, that’s an awkward situation, because I’m not a huge fan of conversations where I turn people away.

So, I explained the situation to him, was nice about it, and low and behold, he got it.

And it was easy. It wasn’t awkward, he was lovely about it.

I could have berated myself about making a big deal about nothing, but I reframed it into a positive and it felt good.

How about you? What’s something you’ve done today that you can celebrate?

No win is too small, and no celebration is too big!

It’s the small wins that will keep you on track to wherever you’re heading.

How to deal with dreamshitters (or when to tell people to fuck off)

Some people are just dreamshitters, soul crushers and downright mean.* I think you know who I’m talking about.

That friend who patronises your ideas and points out all the flaws in any plan before you’ve even finished your sentence. The teachers, the older relatives who want you to just be realistic. Or the people who like to shout you down and give their opinions for no reason.

Whether you’re starting out, trying something new or just going about your daily life, people just love to criticise.

This post isn’t about becoming sympathetic to where their issues are coming from. It’s not about enhancing empathy skills or practicing loving kindness.

It’s a gentle reminder of when to tell people to fuck right off.

So let’s take a look at the three main groups of dreamshitters and possible solutions.

1. The Helpers

These are people who might genuinely have our best interests at heart and may even have no awareness as to what they’re doing. This is an important group, because it’s often this group that are closer to us, and often the people we turn to support for when we’re in our hour of need or feel like giving up. Now, there is a certain level of understanding there, but something much stronger and important needs to be in place as well. Boundaries. It’s perfectly ok to change conversation, refuse to talk about any plans you may have, and brush off comments. But if they continue to belittle and undermine your dreams, it’s ok to tell them to fuck off.

2. The Know-It-All

These are the people who have seen and done everything that life has to offer (hell, they’ve even got the matching pants). These are the not-quite-acquaintances who seem to have experience on a myriad of life pursuits and feel the need to make judgements on every aspect of your lifestyle. You know the ones - ("I remember the time when I…." or "Really? You’re thinking of doing that? I remember when…"). Those. Cutting them off short and leaving the conversation is a good idea. Alternatively, it’s ok to tell them to fuck off.

DREAM SHITTERS WEB

3. The Shitters

Oh these people just love to spoil your fun. They’re quite happy to make a comment, carry on with the rest of their day and not give you a second thought. A shout out goes to the online trolls and the people in the street who feel you need to hear a running commentary of how you look today. (A particular shout out to the man on the bike today who felt the need to make his opinion of my breasts known to me while I was sitting on a bench by the river. He may or may not have inspired this post.) These are the sad people who get their kicks from humiliating people in public. Depending on the situation, it’s ok to tell them to fuck off - it may help or exasperate the situation. Flipping the bird is also an option.

Many people don’t chase after their dreams. There are billions of reasons why.

But for many people, it comes down to one main thing.

Chasing your dreams is fucking scary. The fact that you’re even considering it puts you lightyears in front of the general population.

Let alone if you act on them.

So, stand tall, hold your head up and be proud.

Whoever you are, whatever you’re doing, no matter you dream, don’t let the shitters get you down, not matter how much they are just trying to help.

*I do not take credit for ‘dream shitters’. This gem comes from Jo Tucker of http://jo-tucker.com