What happens when you show up but you forget yourself?

You know when you have one of those days where you're trying to put milk in the kitchen drawer and peanut butter in the fridge? Today is one of those days. This morning, I found myself completely puzzled as to why my tea wasn't turning brown to only realise that I was pouring hot water into an empty cup.

And it really made me think.

When we get tired and we need a break, these are the silly things we end up doing. We end up doing things out of muscle memory, but our brains are too tired that we end up getting it wrong.

And I think there's a lot in here to unravel about how we do the work we feel we were meant to do, and our own creativity. 

And how our work shows up and how we show up when we’re frazzled, overwhelmed and out of sorts. Because sometimes we need a break. Sometimes we need to stand back, do something passive like binge watch Netflix and just give our brains some time to chill. the. fuck. out.

But sometimes, you expect yourself to produce the same work as if you’ve had a week’s break and taken some time to re-charge - but you haven’t.

It’s like pouring into a cup without a teabag and expecting it to turn to tea and getting angry with yourself when it doesn’t.

The work we’re called to do, and all of the creative things we do, they don’t just show up. We spend so long trying to find them, and when they do, we often end up so burnt out because we’re so caught up in this cycle of being good enough, feeling responsible and being hard on ourselves that we produce things we’re not proud of and end up blaming ourselves.

But here’s the thing. If we’re showing up exhausted and we’re showing up completely frazzled then of course we’re missing the key ingredient. Of course the water isn’t going to turn brown and the tea leaves aren’t going to diffuse.

That makes logical sense.

Yet we blame ourselves and beat ourselves up like we’ve just committed some huge crime. Then we tell ourselves we’re not good enough and end up down that rabbit hole, and by the time we’ve finished, end up feeling like crap and trying to work harder as if we have to prove something to ourselves.

There’s a song I love by Kacey Musgraves, and in the chorus she sings:

“You can't be everybody's cup of tea

Some like the bitter, some the sweet

Nobody's everybody's favorite

So you might as well just make it how you please”

And I think we’re getting stuck even before we’ve started to make the tea.

Because when we don’t look after ourselves and end up working for work’s sake, we’re not creating a space to even make it.

We just assume that we have to make that cup of tea and it has to turn out beautiful, no matter how we started.

But that isn’t how it works.

Not that I’ve got it completely figured out. Of course I haven’t.

But what I’m learning is that you need that teabag. Chances are you already have the boiling water or whatever equipment you need to make your work. Whether it’s a laptop, paints, paper, wood, whatever.

But you need that tea. You need that thing that brings it all together and makes the magic happen.

And that, by the way, is you. The skills you bring to the table, your perspective, your unique combination of strengths. Your stories, your experience, your ability to tell a story and paint the picture.

The magic is never going to happen if you forget you. And you get lost in a crazy frantic pace of life and you don’t take time to sit and give your brain a bit of a vacation.

We all get stuck in that land where we forget ourselves, of course we do. The important thing is coming to recognise it and doing something about it.

For me, today that looks like not judging myself for lying on my bed and watching Jane the Virgin for the whole day. It looks like finding the Headspace app and trying to slow down my thoughts and my continually playing to-do list in my mind.

And that’s going to look completely different to yours.

Because isn’t that the whole point in all of this anyway? We’re bringing things to the world that come as a result of our direct experiences, our own skill sets and our own strengths combination that only we can bring.

So I think you’ll agree with me, that’s something worth treasuring, right?

Do something today to remember you. Because you are worth more than your to-do list and all the things you feel you have to do today.

I’d love to know what you do to remember yourself and what you need to produce the work you love! Let me know in the comments!

How I quit feeling guilty about relaxing

About five years ago, I read a quote that I haven't been able to get out of my head since. I can't remember who said it, it was possibly Marx but haven't been able to find it since. Basically it went something to the tune of this:

If you want to change the world, don't waste time on hobbies like watching TV. To make a difference, you must use all the minutes you have here on earth to make that impact.

There aren't many quotes that I read that have an immediate effect on them, but this was one of them.

Finally, I had found something that validated the intense guilt I felt at spending any time doing something not related to a cause or not helping someone else.

At the time, this was a good thing. 

I took it as inspiration, and took it to mean that I was on the right track. It solidified everything in my mind that was completely backwards when it came to me. It validated putting myself behind everything else, putting everything I had into the cause and not saving anything for me. It justified feeling awful about spending time on another activity (watching a film, reading a book which wasn't related to a world issue) and I didn't really have any hobbies.

Years later, after working through my issues with relaxing and taking time for me, I wish I hadn't read the fucking quote.

All it did was keep me between a rock and a hard place, and was an effective torture stick I could use on myself at anytime.

The reality of the situation was this: I would put 180% in, to get burnt out, binge watch TV and eat ice-cream for a couple of weeks feeling exhausted and get back out there.

And of course, I'd feel guilty.

[Tweet "Now, I embrace the word selfish. I know there are worlds apart between giving everything you have and saving some for yourself. And I know that that's okay."]

I took a long time to put the work in to change my frame of mind. And I don't think I ever would have got there had I not completely burnt out and become mentally ill.

I now actively push away from that quote I learned years ago, knowing that if I'm feeling good on a soul level, if I'm filling myself with joy, then the work I do is going to come from a better place, the interactions I have with people will be more positive and I'll be well.

I now have lots of things I love doing, which I do simply because they fill me up with joy.

I do things for fun's sake. Of course, I still care about changing things, but not in the same way. Not in the all-consuming, all-powerful, all harmful way that I did before.

Now, I hope my work sends out a beacon of hope to people who were right where I was. Feeling guilty about spending time on themselves, continually beating themselves up and not seeing the value in downtime.

It's a long process, but it's the best journey I've been on.

Now, I can treat myself with compassion, celebrate the shit out my small wins instead, and have a shitload of fun while putting good shit out into the world.

And, isn't that what it's all about?

Remember, it's not selfish to look after yourself, or do things purely because they make you happy.

What can you do today to stave off the guilt and actually start enjoying your downtime?

Confessions of an emotionally wounded activist

I've hesitated a lot before writing this post. Partly because it's been in my head for such a long time I'm worried about getting it out right. Partly because it's so hard to talk about. Mostly though, because I've been scared to face up and own the truth.

I'm going to start right back to the beginning, but first I just want to make something clear.

This isn't a rallying cry to stop people from going into activism or becoming an activist, or working for a cause they believe in. It's my honest account of how activism and the charity world has changed me. We all need the people who were born to set the world alight, but in hindsight, I wish I'd gone into the storm braced with the right gear, the right footwear and a bit of prior warning.

Always an activist

There are many people out there who were born to set the world alight, but we need to start treating ourselves better and each other better to really be the change we wish to see.

I always knew I wanted to 'change the world'. At school, when most other people in my class wrote their debate piece for English Lit on boxing and fox-hunting, I wrote piece on ending the sex trafficking of children. While other people used creative writing time to write about holidays they'd been on, I was writing about domestic abuse, mental health issues and self harm. I was always an activist.

A need to change things

It all came from an innate feeling deep inside of me that wanted to change things, and understand how these deep injustices could be changed.

Now, I've written here before about changing the world and how it's come to mean different things to me over the years. But that desire for change has always been there.

Like many many people reading this, I'm a natural carer. I'm self-aware and all too aware of the feelings of others. I've spent much of my life putting other people first and neglecting myself in the name of 'helping others'. I've ignored my own mental health issues, used food as a coping strategy and just 'soldiered on'.

In my head, injustice has always gone hand in hand with a million-miles-an-hour need to shake shit up and improve things.

I go from empathy, to anger, to a desperate need to change things.

It really is no surprise that I ended up heavily involved in the world of activism.

By the age of 18, I was marching the streets in a protest to make streets safe for women at night, lying in the middle of main roads to protest cuts to disability benefits, writing articles about injustices done to women all over the world, coordinating feminist festivals and shouting (and singing) as loud as I could.

The elephants in the room

But here's the things they don't mention when you get into activism as a way of life. The things that aren't being spoken about but everyone's thinking.

1.The guilt of not being able to do enough, or change things enough. Oh the guilt, the endless guilt

2. The fact that you will be continually slapped in the face with further injustice, which makes any successes seem pale in the comparison

3.The amount you will be relied upon as a passionate person with a never-ending supply of energy

4.That to really feel like you're getting somewhere, and feel like you're doing your bit for the cause, you have to put the rest of your life on hold. Either that or the rest of your life need to be related to ending said problem. Bye bye self-care. Hello burnout.

5.Sometimes the people around you just don't get it, and that can make you really angry. When you're totally involved and they don't seem to care, it can cause rifts, resentments, and just problems.

I also can't deny how leading a march with rally cries behind me was exhilarating, how there were days when I couldn't sleep because my mind was brimming with creative ideas and ways to change things, how I felt like I had found my purpose, and how fucking good it felt to feel part of a community.

Tales of an (emotionally) wounded activist

But for those highlights, I put my whole self, and sanity on the line.

And when you get into actually working for the cause, it's a different ball game altogether.

Especially when you're working somewhere where people are burnt out but feel too much guilt to leave, where staff can't be truly appreciated because of the sheer demands of funding and stress at management level and where you end up de-sensitized to the cause you're trying to fight because that's the only way you can get up in the morning.

And especially when you start working in a paid capacity for the cause at a very young age and you enter wide-eyed and eager only to leave feeling like you're a shell of the person you started out as.

I don't mean this to sound bitter, I'm writing this post with the earnest aim of being honest but I can't hide the ugly stuff.

Becoming broken

In the past year and a half, I haven't been able to go to a protest/march without feeling like a piece of me is being torn apart. And for the last year, when I can, I've stopped going. I've stopped associating with people who were a large part of that life. I have just wanted out.

When I get involved with any of it, it's just too painful. It reminds me of what could have been and how I really felt like I'd found my life calling, and brings the truth too close to home.

Part of me feels broken now. I feel like I've been shattered, and I'm trying to put the pieces together, but there's no instructions, there's no guide of what it's meant to look like.

I feel like I've lost a huge part of my identity.

I know so many awful things are happening in the world, and it's just easier to look away. Sometimes, I get trapped into thinking that I'm apathetic, that I just don't care anymore.

But I do, and most of the time I'm too afraid to admit it. It's just a hell of a lot easier to put it at the back of my mind and just let it go.

See, when you break something, or something becomes broken, there are usually 3 reactions.

1. To put it back together, in the same way as before

or

2.Find someone or something to blame.

3.Walk away.

I've done all three.

Putting myself back together in the same way hasn't worked, and I don't want it to work. I can't be in that space, so I need to make a new space.

Finding someone to blame provides an outlet, but it doesn't let things go. Sure, I'm really angry about a lot of things that have happened, I'm angry at specific people, and I'm angry that I'm left feeling like this. But at the end of the day, there's no one thing or person to blame. And I don't want to spend my life absorbed in bitterness.

Walking away has helped the most though. Choosing to leave was a fucking brave thing to do, and a bit ridiculous when you look at how rare it is to find permanent work in specialist areas, but it was the right decision.

If nothing else, I know the bright-eyed version of me before all of this would be seriously disappointed in me if I continued to work and fight with a lack of passion, and two flying fucks.

A new story

So instead, I've taken the time to work on my own stuff. I've worked hard to find a new voice and a new story. Of course, That Hummingbird Life is a big part of this new story for me. So is taking the time to have fun, doing creative things and enjoying things without feeling guilty.

I've learned the hard way that you can't change the world, or change anything for that matter if you can't help yourself first.

It's been a long road, and I'm not ready to leave the pain behind just yet. There's a lot I have to share that can be of immense value. There are so many things I wish I knew, and so many things I know now that I want to share about changing the mindset of activists before they get burnt.

And I will, but it's going to take time.

I just hope, that if you're one of the many people working hard to change things, to change the world in however you make sense of the phrase, that you stop to take time for yourself and enjoy the good things in your life. Like the people around you, sunny days and songs that make you feel alive.

Not just appreciating and feeling grateful for the good things in your life in due regard to acknowledge your privilege. But actually holding on to them with two hands and not letting them go.

Because at the end of the day, two of the most basic human needs is connection and the need to feel valued.

Don't let that go, or sacrifice that for anyone, or anything.

5 things to remember when you're exhausted

I'm gonna be honest with you - I am exhausted. Things have been pretty hard lately. I've moved house, started a new job and haven't had much time for rest.

Emotionally, and physically, I'm exhausted. 

So, I wanted to share with you some things to keep at the front of your mind when you're overcome with exhaustion and you need that final push.

1. Exhaustion happens to the best of us

It's not something that happens to the weak, and it's not a trophy of our hardworking nature. It's the result of having lots of things that take priority at the same time, and not having the proper time needed to have some quality downtime. It's human. (Now breathe!)

2. There is an end

It might not be in sight right now, but there is an end to the madness. In the meantime, do whatever you can to take breaks and remember that this will soon be a distant memory.

3. It's not the best time to make big decisions

Decisions are hard enough when things are calm, let alone when there's a storm brewing. Make the decisions you need to and park the rest for finer weather.

4. Celebrate your small wins

I'm gonna keep on saying this 'till the cows come home. Split tasks into manageable chunks and take note of progress and let yourself feel good about what you're doing.

And most importantly....

5. Remember your WHY

It's easy to lose sight of the big picture when you're stressed out, exhausted and overwhelmed. Have a one minute check-in. Close your eyes and think of the three biggest reasons why you're doing what you're doing. Then march ahead.

Go keep fighting and doing what you gotta do, but please remember, if you don't take care of yourself and make yourself a priority, it ain't gonna be pretty. 

How spoon theory will change your life

When a lot of people think of the things they want in life, money and success might be up the top there. That might have even been what we had up there in the past. But when you're in the deepest trudge of burnout, energy goes straight up to number one. Not having the energy to go and do what some of us don't even think about doing (read showering, leaving the house, going to the corner shop) is one of the hardest things to deal with.

Run out of bread for toast? No problem, I'll pop to the shop down the road. Need to go post a letter? No problem, I'll just pop to the post office when I'm on my way home. Need to shower? Well duh, that's already taken care of when I got up this morning.

Some things just feel impossible

With burnout and chronic illness? The response to some of those tasks goes something more like this:

Argh! You what?! How am I supposed to do that? Getting out of bed feels IMPOSSIBLE. 

I just can't do it.

And that is tough to admit. As people who are used to always coming up with the craziest ideas, having fifteen tabs open in one go, scheduling every hour of our day, it is completely unfathomable. And if you're not there, you're chugging along, feeling overwhelmed and like everything is crashing down on you, it might be a case that you're not there yet.

I've been in both situations. More than once.

There's no easy solution.

But there is one thing you can do - you can try and sit back and reflect on the reality of the situation.

What I mean by this, is look at the situation, not from the perspective of how much energy you had before, but now much energy you have now.

And plan from there what is realistic.

Because when we start looking at our situations from a place of self compassion and love, we are better able to make decisions based on what will be good for us.

From a place of could not should.

How spoon theory can help

One thing that I've found really helpful in doing this, is the spoon theory.

I first heard of it through the lovely Liz Goddard from The Pillow Fort and it has since played a massive part in my life.

The idea is that we can count our energy in terms of spoons. We have a certain amount of spoons a day, and it's up to us to determine where we put our spoons.

Each activity we do costs a certain amount of spoons, so we must look closely at what we want to do in a day, sacrifice some activities and prioritise others depending on how many spoons we have.

Because each day we may have a different amount of spoons, it's up to us to determine what is possible for us, without exceeding our spoon limit (and increasing our levels of burnout).

It's simple

It sounds simple. It is simple, but it has revolutionised the way I plan my days.

I'll be talking more in the next couple of weeks about self sabotage vs self compassion, but for now, spoon theory is where it's at.

Here's to planning our days out of self care and self love, and counting our spoons.

If you've used spoon theory before, or are using it for the first time, I'd love to hear all about it in the comments below!

How discovering multipotentiality felt like coming home

*This post is part of Puttyfest - celebrating the 4 year anniversary of Puttylike* It’s been a year since I learned of the term multipotentiality.

Up until that point, I worried why I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do with my life.

I didn’t realise that having multiple interests and being good at a multitude of things was even a thing. I thought it was a sure sign that I couldn’t make my mind up as to what on earth I wanted to do.

Feeling like the odd one out

Every one around me seemed to be settled, and had chosen the path they wanted to follow.

But for me, it was another story. I had so many projects whirling around in my head, there were so many things I wanted to try my hand out, and I still can’t think of many things worse than doing the same thing, in the same town, with the same people for the next forty years.

On the outside my life looked good.

On the inside, I was trying to work out whether I would ever be able to stop doing a hundred and three things at once, and if I would ever be able to recover from being perpetually busy.

This was around the time that I was starting to burnout. I looked at my life and couldn’t find much that was right.

Even thought I had landed what I thought would be my dream job, and moved in with my now fiancé, I had no energy, no longer wanted to see friends, and felt completely and utterly lost.

I had aimed for everything society deems acceptable - a stable pay check, a stable relationship and a stable home.

Dreams of achieving all of my goals at once faded with the need to pay my bills and manage my job.

Was this it?

I remember looking at friends who were travelling with envy, and wondering what had led me to the path more travelled.

I felt like I had been given someone else’s life, which was less than the perfect fit.

My anxiety was increasing, I was beyond stressed at work and was going to the doctors every week with a new ailment.

(Just slow down, they said.)

It was around that time that I was signed off work.

In between sleeping, not feeling able to leave the house and googling how to relax, I came across lifestyle design:

The radical idea that you can design your life the way that suits you and fuck the rest.

I stumbled across Puttylike and it was like discovering another world.

MULTIPOTENITALITY WEB

A world where people merged the craziest of interests, were working to build a life that worked for them and were making a difference in their own way. 

Reading about Emilie Wapnick and her movement of Puttypeeps, I felt a deeper calling that my life was about so much more than trying to make ends meet and making everyone around me happy.

It was like finding the missing jigsaw piece to a jigsaw puzzle you didn’t even know it existed.

I finally began to explore the nuances of my personality which had laid dormant under rigid expectations of who I thought I should be.

It wasn’t an easy journey, but by surrounding myself by people who were taking life by the horns, I began to realise that I wasn’t born to do just one thing.

Accepting myself

I began to understand that having such a variety of interests was an asset, and I didn’t need to settle for anything less than setting my soul on fire .

I saw that it’s not just okay to be someone who hasn’t just got one thing, but it’s a gift.

I don’t know where I’d be today if I hadn’t stumbled on a simple word called multi potentiality, or if Emily hadn’t bravely put herself out there in the world like she did,

I would probably be back hiding in my shell, sure I was missing a party somewhere, but with no idea where to look.

I’d be on a different path, that’s for sure.