The Ultimate Self Care Q&A!

Welcome to this super post all about self care! If you’ve ever thought about self care, struggled with self care, or don’t know what the hell self care is, this post is for you. If you’ve ever felt stressed, found it hard to justify doing things just for you, or been burnt out, this post is for you. If you’re a human being, reading this, right now, this is for you.

Self care has become this thing that gets bounded around everywhere, and it can be pretty confusing - I mean, what if I don’t like hot baths? What if I don’t like candles? Fear not. Let’s debunk some myths, answer some questions, and get this shit on the road.

What is self care?

Self care is the art of doing things for yourself that make you feel great. It’s about taking time to refill your cup, adding more joy into your life, learning to unwind and enjoy being in the here and now. At a base level, self care is a practice about looking after yourself. On a deeper level, it’s learning that you have your own back, learning to love your own company and learning that you’ve got everything you need right inside yourself. And once you have those beliefs fine tuned, anything is possible.

Self care is a skill, that you get better at, and gets easier the more you do it. At first it might feel hard to justify doing things just for you, and not feel guilty, but as you up your self care, you begin to see how necessary it is, and how it can change your entire outlook on life.

But, isn’t self care selfish?

Ahh, the holy grail of self care - dealing with this notion that if you’re taking the time for you, it means you’re selfish, you’re ungrateful, you’re self absorbed and you only care about yourself. I call BULLSHIT on this. I used to believe that. I used to believe it so strongly that I’d run myself to the ground, and didn’t even know where to start when it came to doing things for myself. Then someone who I really admired said to me, ‘If you don’t help yourself, how can you expect to help other people?’ Mind. Blown.

I’ve come to learn that it can be more selfish to NOT look after yourself. Think about it - if you’re constantly stressed out, frazzled and have no time, chances are you have a short fuse with friends and family, you overcommit to things and end up either letting people down or doing a shoddy job (been there!), you neglect relationships because there aren’t enough hours in the day, and you’re only ever a couple of steps away from a melt down. So while you might think taking an afternoon out to do something you love is something you feel bad about, I can guarantee that you’ll come back to the people you love, and things you’re working on, with more love, more patience, more passion and feeling more like you and less like a hyena on speed.

So, in a word, no - self care isn’t selfish. It’s absolutely necessary if you want to live a wholehearted life.

Isn’t self care just about hot baths, candles and going to bed early?

Nope. Well, it can be if those are the things that give you energy, make you feel alive, renew your faith in humanity. But it doesn’t have to be any of those things. Here’s the thing about self care - it’s not a one off thing. You cant just have a hot bath and expect everything in your life to be fixed.

a) because you have responsibility over your own life

b) because if something is going to fix every aspect of your life, I'd expect more glitter and camp show tunes involved.

It has to be built into your daily life. You might have a hot bath one day, and it might make you feel great, but the effects aren’t going to last forever. They might not last as long as the bubbles do. Nor is self care about spending lots of money doing one-off things like going to a spa or getting a manicure. Sure, if they make you feel great, that's fantastic, but don’t treat self care like a one-off thing that costs you loads of mullah. Because if you do, you’ve got a whole load of excuses not to get your self care on! I haven’t got the money for self care! I haven’t got the time for self care!

So, what counts as self care?

Self care can be whatever you want it to be. It doesn’t have to be green smoothies, impossible yoga poses or waking up at the crack of dawn to meditate. It can be dancing around the room in your underwear to Taylor Swift, taking time at the end of the day to think of 3 good things that have happened, going out for a walk listening to a podcast, lying in bed watching as many episodes of the Gilmore Girls as you can fit in one day or reading a book in the early hours of the morning. In short, self care is unique to you. You don’t have to justify it to anyone.

How can I find self care activities that work for me?

Go grab a pen and paper.

Write down any activities you loved doing as a child.

Now write down any activities that make you lose track of time because you get so into them.

Now write down anything that makes you feel good.

Add the names of your favourite books, films and albums. There you go - you’ve got a pretty good start!

Why haven’t I heard of self care before?

In short, because we live in a culture where we’re rewarded for working until we’re exhausted, where our self worth is based on the grades we get and the job title we have, and where this notion of doing something just for the fun of it doesn’t exist. Think about it for a second - if employers started to value self care, we’d have more days off, we wouldn’t be so put upon and we’d be happier in our jobs. Sounds great, but doesn’t do a lot for the capitalist machine. Also, a lot of self care is free, so if it doesn’t make money...

And if you have heard of self care, chances are it’s because you were in a place where you were exhausted, stressed and feeling overwhelmed and realised something had to change.

How can I make time for self care?

All of our lives look different. What I might count as having no time is going to look different than your version of having no time. The other day, I was listening to a podcast (I forget which one) and it was all about making time, and it really shut a lot of my excuses up. Because, when you don’t have time, you do make time for things you HAVE to do. You make the time to go to toilet, to feed yourself (even if it is junk food/ready meals) and remember to lock the front door. Even when life gets busy, when you don’t feel like you have enough time in the day, you do all of those things. So, you do have time, it’s just a case of needing to prioritise and decide what you’re willing to spend you time on.

Here are a couple of tricks for making more time for self care in your life:

1. Take it as seriously as a hospital appointment - Put self care in your diary, and keep the appointment. You owe it to yourself. Every week I send out self care check ins to my mailing list - I know I have to do that every Sunday, and every Sunday, I make time for it. Not only does it help to remind other people to up their self care, it forces me to sit down and see how I’m doing, and how I’m looking after myself.

2. Start small - Put it this way - five minutes of self care every day is going to have a huge effect on your life, if you’re currently spending zero minutes a day on it. You can do a lot in five minutes, as I found when I wrote a HUGE list of things you can do to relax in under five minutes. Increase your five minutes as time goes forward, but for now, start the routine of having just five minutes every day, to do something just for you.

3. Have things set up already - If you’re a multipotentialite like me, you’ll have learned that organisation is a pretty big thing. One of my favourite books, Refuse to Choose by Barbara Sher, shares a really simple tip for spending time on things you love. And it’s this: set up stations. For example, if you love painting, set up a clean space with your canvas/paper with your paints. That way, when the moment comes, it’s so much easier.

Why should I care about self care?

You’re reading this, so I’m going to assume that you want to live a wholehearted life, you want to make a difference and you want to follow your passions. All of those things take a shit load of effort, conviction, and energy. We’re human, we don’t have an endless supply of passion and inspiration. We have a tendency to work ourselves ill, to push ourselves until we can’t and a tendency to get overwhelmed.

Your dreams, your passions, your life - they all begin with YOU. And if you’re nourished, you’re nurtured and you’re well looked after, you’re more likely to chase those dreams, live those dreams and live a life you love. You’ll have time for the people in your life, you’ll have the love to get you through the day, and the strength and courage to get up tomorrow and do it all over again.

But how do I know self care is for me?

If you have a pulse, self care is for you.

While self care is universal, and isn’t limited to class, gender, culture, age, ability, all of those things have an effect on how we self care. Some people have more time for self care, for others, it might not be that simple. Some people live in a culture of which is more accepting of self care, for others, it’s more of a battle. For some people self care might be an energetic activity, for others, self care might have to be a low energy activity. What’s important is finding something that works for you, and knowing that wherever you are in the world, whoever you are, self care is a necessity. Like your fingerprint, your self care is going to be different, and that’s a good thing.

Does self care lead to self love?

YES. By taking the time for you, you’re giving yourself so many unconscious messages:

I am worth spending time on I am worth looking after I love myself enough to stop I have value and am valued I am enough I matter

OK - I’ve got it! Now what?

Pick something small and start. Something I really found helped me to begin with, was getting a sheet of paper, dividing it into strips, and on each strip, writing down something I loved to do. I then put them into a pot/jar and rather than stressing out about relaxing, picked something out and went for it. Here's the tutorial! I also wrote a post of 50 thing you can do to show yourself you matter, which I think might be just the thing you need!

In the beginning, it’s about just getting going. What I mentioned earlier about starting just five minutes at a time, or putting it in your diary and keeping to it, is really helpful. Once you’re finding yourself doing things you love that make you feel good, you’ll have given yourself enough reasons to keep going, just by how much better life feels when you do things you love and look after yourself.

Dreamshitters, Standing Up For Yourself & Losing People Along The Way

There's something people don't tell you when you start to stand up for yourselves and following the beat of your drum. And that's this: often you'll lose someone along the way. Somewhere between finding your voice and dealing with dreamshitters, something changes.

You stand taller. You talk with conviction. You start to lose your people pleasing tendencies (don't worry, I'm 100% with you on this!) and you start to believe.

Believe you've got something to say. Believe you've got something to give the world. Believe that you matter. Believe that you deserve to be treated a certain way.

And that is AMAZING. Believe me.

But something else shifts as well. And that's your tolerance forbullshit.

Your eyes start to open to the people who take you for granted, the people who belittle you, and the people who don't like this new 'you'. (Except it isn't really new, that bold courageous version of you has been right in there, hiding for some time).

Some people just aren't going to be there for the ride. And sometimes those people who aren't going to be on the journey with you are the exact people you always assumed would be there.

When we start to live with our eyes open, embrace a wholehearted life and start saying yes to the dreams that scare us, we unknowingly force other people to take a long hard look at themselves.

Sometimes they don't like what they see. And they take it out on you.

So I want to assure you:

Everyone has their own shit to deal with. And every now and then, people will throw their shit at you. And it will hurt. But that doesn't mean you need to take it.

You are not responsible for the world's shit.

And no one has the right to make you feel small, or stupid, like your dreams are too big, or anything less than the fucking rockstar you are.

I get it, it's pretty scary losing people. It plays into a lot of our fears, like the fear of 'I'll never find someone else' and the fear of rejection that probably led to the person still being in your life.

So today, I want to give you a huge hug and tell you that cutting out the people in your life who make you feel like shit, might hurt at first, but you'll feel so much better afterwards.

And you'll get great new people in your life. People who see you as you are now, and root for you. People who lift you up and help you be the best version of yourself.

People who are worthy of you. 

And you might only be able to count those people on one hand. But that doesn't matter. Those people are one in a million, and it's those people to hold onto and never let go.

So let's raise our bowls of ice cream to the people who appreciate us for the fabulous people we already are.

Self Care Doesn't Have To Be Glamorous

This week I want to debunk some myths and share with you something I've been struggling with lately. And that's this notion that self care has to be beautiful. It has to be these set of serene moments that are simultaneously Natural Geographic worthy, as well as worthy for high esteemed food blogs. And these serene moments should preferably happen as the sun comes up.

In all honesty, I'm pretty fucking sick of that shit. (I made this pretty clear when Sarah Starrs interviewed me for her Punk Rock Personal Development Podcast)

One of the irrefutable truths I found when I first started taking care of myself and trying to prevent myself from getting burnt out, was this notion that self care doesn't have to be this high horse, impressive thing.

You don't need to listen to Oprah every morning (though, I've just started What I Know For Sure and really recommend it), drink a green smoothie and take a picture for Instagram to practice self care. It doesn't have to look pretty. Often it's messy and you wouldn't want someone to take a picture. It potentially involves a duvet, a boxset or Netflix, greasy hair (come on, I see you! I'm with you too!) and a bar of chocolate.

Self Care Doesn't Have To Be Glamorous

But it's taken a while to get to this perspective. I've struggled with falling into the trap of putting strict parameters on what my self care should look like. I've tried to force myself to grab a cup of tea and an inspirational book, listen to non-fiction audiobooks and feeding my inspiration.

And subsequently haven't done anything to make myself feel more rested. Instead of making me feel relaxed, it's made my brain hurt, when all I need is a bit of time off.

There's a time for filling yourself with inspiration, and there's a time for just doing passive activities. And when you're feeling stressed out, tired, anxious or like your brain won't shut up, you don't need to be forcing new ideas into your head. Sometimes you just need to do a passive activity that's going to take you out of your current reality, and give your brain some time to take it slow.

I love binge watching shows when my brain feels full and it turns out that it's my go-to self care for a reason. Because I need something that's passive and going to let me out of my own head. And that I need that couple of days to do just that, and give my brain a good and proper rest.

If you're feeling like this, turn to your time-tested method of what works for you. (And if it's binge watching tv shows, I really recommend the series Scorpion!) And if you don't have a time tested method, then now it's time to experiment. It doesn't have to be binge watching Netflix. It could be grabbing a coffee and people watching, putting your favourite songs on and shutting your eyes, starting a good fiction book, or anything that doesn't feel like it takes much effort for you, and lets you get into that relaxed state.

Your self care is absolutely necessary, and it doesn't have to be some worthwhile worthy thing. It can be putting trashy TV with a tub of Ben & Jerry's and getting lost in the drama. You know you best!

You do you!

What helps you get into that relaxed state? Let me know in the comments!

You Are Not Alone: On Self Care & Being An Entrepreneur

I used to think self care was hard. Impossible even. That was until I started working for myself, started my career as a freelancers/entrepreneur/small business owner/whatever the name of the day is. Then I started to think that it was another ball game completely. Before we go any further, I want to just make sure we're on the right page here. In this post, I'm not going to be guilt tripping you about how you should be investing in yourself, and how clients can't trust you if you're not investing in yourself first. I'm not going to be telling you that you're The Worst Entrepreneur Ever if you're struggling with self care (and haven't showered in three days). And I'm certainly not going to be telling you to take a fucking bubble bath.

So breathe your sigh of relief and know you're not alone in this.

Not by a very very long shot. We're in this together, you and me. What I hope happens by the time you've finished reading this two part series , is that you feel less alone, that you have a few practical tools you can use to start to slow down those spinning plates and that you can start to quit giving yourself such a hard time.

Back when I had a steady 9-5 job, I struggled to look after myself and prioritise myself. I found it hard to switch off, I was taking so much emotional shit home from work and nothing filled my cup. There was no joy, there was no relaxing. Instead there were to-do lists, giving out my time like it was going out of fashion, and putting everyone's needs before my own.

So I started working some of that shit out, and started blogging about self care, burnout and saying no. And I started to enjoy life. I started to notice the little things again. I started to explore what makes me ridiculously happy (a good book, notebook shopping, laughing until my belly aches, long walks in the park) and I started to feel like myself.

And it felt really good.

And then things changed. I left my job, I found myself working as a self employed freelance graphic designer, started doing more work to build That Hummingbird Life into a business (in progress) and started a The Couragemakers Podcast

And life is very different.

While sometimes I catch myself feeling so grateful that Dolly Parton's 9-5 doesn't ring true, I've noticed that I'm getting caught up in so much shitty negativity. I've noticed that I'm not been very good boss to myself, that I work myself too hard, that I've gone back to putting everyone else's needs in front of my own, and that I still don't have the most realistic expectations of myself.

And I know I'm not alone in this.

You are not alone - on self care and being an entrepreneur

So many of us start working for ourselves because we want the freedom, the ability to make our own decisions and we feel that working for ourselves will allow us to contribute to the world so much more than we were before.

But for recovering Type As like me, it can be a complete and utter shit show for a while. Because while we like our lists (especially in fun notebooks), and our plans, and our schedules and our ambition, we also have huge expectations of ourselves (that we would never dream of putting onto someone else), perfectionist tendencies and we struggle to have any kind of resemblance of work-life balance.

We work until we're ill, we get ill and we don't tell our clients (if we have them) because we don't want to let them down and we get worse, more cranky and more stressed, and life becomes hell.

We continuously beat ourselves up for not being able to achieve everything we set out to do in one day, completely ignoring the fact that the list probably wasn't achievable in the first place.

We start to look around us and start to believe that we're the only ones struggling because everyone has these beautiful photos of their office, everyone seems to be making more money than us and everyone seems to have their shit together. (Spoiler alert, they definitely do not).

We start thinking that we have to work every minute of every day, we start to get cranky with our loved ones because they just don't understand and we have a never ending to do list running circles in our brains like a Rick Astley song.

And this ends up in a horrible, horrible cycle.

A cycle of pushing ourselves too hard, reaching exhaustion, feeling guilty and continuing to push ourselves even though we don't feel like we physically can.

And it's nothing like that idea we had in our head. The idea of being in a mode of endless creativity, joy and freedom. Taking breaks and being liberated from our desks.

And that makes us feel even worse. And like we've failed.

No, I'm not reading your brain, I'm just in the trenches with you. This is some really hard shit to deal with. And you are not alone.

In becoming your own boss, you no longer have a job. Whether you're a creative, a freelancer, or small business owner, you have to run the whole show. Even if you do outsource, you have to oversee everything and make sure everything's happening. And if you don't outsource and it's not a possibility for you right now (raising my hand high in the air), you have to become an expert at administrative tasks, marketing, social media, product development, client management, project management and about a million other things.

That's huge fucking responsibility. Especially when for the most part you have no one checking to make sure you've done everything and it's completely up to you. You're essentially juggling so many plates that it might be worth trying out for Cirque du Soleil.

Yet not many people get how hard you have to work.

They don't realise how much pressure you're under and how much you have to do.

So before I share some practical things in the next post, I want to talk real, person to person. Because I have a feeling you need to hear this today.

You are not on your own. Even though you might feel like you're drowning, you're not. You are working as hard as you can. Everything you want to achieve is possible, but the journey might be slightly different than you imagined. You have so many skills and you're doing a killer job at combining them. You are really really appreciated, even if you don't feel it right now. Your work matters. But more importantly, you matter. And because you matter, something has to give. You have everything inside you that you need to put your vision into the world. And you need to extend your compassion that you have for the world and for your clients to yourself. Because there's only one of you. And that makes you a pretty fucking precious human being. A human worth loving and taking care of.

So for part one, I want you to read that reminder as many times as you need to. And really take it in. Because you're doing great. And you deserve some compassion.

Even though it might feel like it, none of us have our shit together. So let's let our shit hang out together.

I look forward to seeing you in Part Two next week, where I'm going to be sharing LOTS of practical tips, things for you to try out and things that have helped me.

I'd love to know if this post resonated with you. Let me know in the comments and let's start getting some of this out in the open!

The Ultimate Napping Playlist

I absolutely bloody love napping. I really think it's one of life's simplest luxuries. And I can say with pride (maybe too much pride), that I have NAILED the art of napping.

All it takes is a good playlist, my epic flamingo blanket and sometimes my huge cuddly bear (come on, we're all adults and I know I'm not alone in this).

When I was in the midst of hardcore burnout, naps were an absolute staple. And now I work from home and work many many more hours than I ever have done, napping has become essential on the days where my brain feels fried and I feel overwhelmed.

But don't get me wrong, if the depression starts creeping in, if I'm having a bad day or feeling really down, a nap it is.

And while I'm not going to go into napping tips here (there are some great articles out there), I've found what really works for me is making sure I don't nap under the duvets unless it's really cold (otherwise it's nearly impossible to get up) and through extensive sleeping experimentation, my napping sweet spot is half an hour.

We all need to take time out. We live busy lives, and sometimes things get too much. And I've always found that it's exactly when I think I shouldn't/can't take time out, that I absolutely need to.

I used to think napping made me lazy, until I saw the direct benefits:

I could either keep going and have simple tasks that usually take me ten minutes to do take two hours,or I could nap and wake up a bit more focused.

I could either snap at people I love because I was feeling stressed, or I could take half hour out and have patience and enjoy my time with them instead.

I could either sit around feeling really glum, endlessly scrolling through Facebook and making myself more miserable, or I could give my brain a rest and wake up with a more detached perspective.

I think you know what I'm getting at. If I could go back and rub out S Club 7 on my on my primary school pencil case and replace it with Napping Rules (it was probably with a z, I wasn't and never have claimed to be cool), I would.

So without further ado, here is the Ultimate Napping Playlist. May it accompany you on many pleasant naps and bring you some much needed rest!

What happens when you show up but you forget yourself?

You know when you have one of those days where you're trying to put milk in the kitchen drawer and peanut butter in the fridge? Today is one of those days. This morning, I found myself completely puzzled as to why my tea wasn't turning brown to only realise that I was pouring hot water into an empty cup.

And it really made me think.

When we get tired and we need a break, these are the silly things we end up doing. We end up doing things out of muscle memory, but our brains are too tired that we end up getting it wrong.

And I think there's a lot in here to unravel about how we do the work we feel we were meant to do, and our own creativity. 

And how our work shows up and how we show up when we’re frazzled, overwhelmed and out of sorts. Because sometimes we need a break. Sometimes we need to stand back, do something passive like binge watch Netflix and just give our brains some time to chill. the. fuck. out.

But sometimes, you expect yourself to produce the same work as if you’ve had a week’s break and taken some time to re-charge - but you haven’t.

It’s like pouring into a cup without a teabag and expecting it to turn to tea and getting angry with yourself when it doesn’t.

The work we’re called to do, and all of the creative things we do, they don’t just show up. We spend so long trying to find them, and when they do, we often end up so burnt out because we’re so caught up in this cycle of being good enough, feeling responsible and being hard on ourselves that we produce things we’re not proud of and end up blaming ourselves.

But here’s the thing. If we’re showing up exhausted and we’re showing up completely frazzled then of course we’re missing the key ingredient. Of course the water isn’t going to turn brown and the tea leaves aren’t going to diffuse.

That makes logical sense.

Yet we blame ourselves and beat ourselves up like we’ve just committed some huge crime. Then we tell ourselves we’re not good enough and end up down that rabbit hole, and by the time we’ve finished, end up feeling like crap and trying to work harder as if we have to prove something to ourselves.

There’s a song I love by Kacey Musgraves, and in the chorus she sings:

“You can't be everybody's cup of tea

Some like the bitter, some the sweet

Nobody's everybody's favorite

So you might as well just make it how you please”

And I think we’re getting stuck even before we’ve started to make the tea.

Because when we don’t look after ourselves and end up working for work’s sake, we’re not creating a space to even make it.

We just assume that we have to make that cup of tea and it has to turn out beautiful, no matter how we started.

But that isn’t how it works.

Not that I’ve got it completely figured out. Of course I haven’t.

But what I’m learning is that you need that teabag. Chances are you already have the boiling water or whatever equipment you need to make your work. Whether it’s a laptop, paints, paper, wood, whatever.

But you need that tea. You need that thing that brings it all together and makes the magic happen.

And that, by the way, is you. The skills you bring to the table, your perspective, your unique combination of strengths. Your stories, your experience, your ability to tell a story and paint the picture.

The magic is never going to happen if you forget you. And you get lost in a crazy frantic pace of life and you don’t take time to sit and give your brain a bit of a vacation.

We all get stuck in that land where we forget ourselves, of course we do. The important thing is coming to recognise it and doing something about it.

For me, today that looks like not judging myself for lying on my bed and watching Jane the Virgin for the whole day. It looks like finding the Headspace app and trying to slow down my thoughts and my continually playing to-do list in my mind.

And that’s going to look completely different to yours.

Because isn’t that the whole point in all of this anyway? We’re bringing things to the world that come as a result of our direct experiences, our own skill sets and our own strengths combination that only we can bring.

So I think you’ll agree with me, that’s something worth treasuring, right?

Do something today to remember you. Because you are worth more than your to-do list and all the things you feel you have to do today.

I’d love to know what you do to remember yourself and what you need to produce the work you love! Let me know in the comments!

A couragemaker’s guide to navigating the self help world

I’ve ranted a lot lately. About online gurus, about get rich quick schemes, and other bullshit that creates an alluring trap for couragemakers like you and me but ends up with us feeling worse in the long run. Now, believe it or not, the self-help (or as dream chasing as I prefer to call it) and autobiographies sections in my local library are by far my favourite sections. For me, there's something so powerful in someone telling their story, and sharing their dreams, and being vulnerable as hell about where they’ve come from and where they’re going.

That inspires me above all else.

But it’s taken me a while to navigate that whole world and make it work for me.

When you're in a place of quiet desperation, you'll try near enough anything. But when you're in that place of quiet desperation, you're also incredibly vulnerable.

And let’s face it - we all need help sometimes. Whether you're wondering what to do out of college, trying to figure out how to chase your dreams, want to improve a relationship or want to up your confidence, sometimes we need a gentle reminder, or strategies to deal with something we’re going through.

And there’s a whole lot of help out there. Everyone wants to help. Everyone has an opinion. And let’s face it - there are a lot of people want to charge you thousands for things you already know. Some want you to buy into (quite literally), their way of doing things.

It’s a messy world.

As it stands right now, on Amazon UK, there are 405,108 books in the Mind, Body, Spirit section. In the kindle store, there are  253,342 e-books in the Self Help/Counselling section. That’s just books. That doesn’t include the thousands of self-help podcasts, the hundreds of thousands of life coaches online, or the thousands of YouTube clips on self-help.

Wow.

That’s a whole load of people with a whole load of different opinions on how they can improve your life. They have conflicting viewpoints, conflicting methods, and conflicting promises. But they all have something in common. They want to help you.

But where on earth do you turn to? Who can you trust?

That’s where these questions come into it. Answer them, and you’ll find a much better tactic of finding help that’s suited to you than just picking up the latest bestseller.

When you’re finished, you’re going to have a better idea of what you want, how you want it and what works for you. (Me? Ryan Gosling, on the kitchen table. Thanks.)

So, let’s get started!

What do you actually need?

What are you dealing with? And what do you actually need?

When you're looking for help (this also applies to when moaning to a friend about something), you generally want one of the following:

• Permission - and confidence to do something.

• Reassurance - that things will work out, that we’re a good person, that everything will work out okay in the end

• Confirmation - that you’re doing the right thing and you’re making the right decision

• Understanding and knowledge - you want to get down to the root cause of it. Knowledge is power!

• Actionable steps - easily laid out things you can do to get your where you want.

Figuring out what you need makes it a lot easier to find what you’re looking for. It’s also an excellent way of cutting out a lot of the shit!

What qualifies them to help YOU?

I used to trust easily and I used to be pretty naive.

Now things are different. I know that not everyone who says they want to help genuinely wants to help. Some are more motivated by money, and some bring absolutely no experience and aren’t qualified on any level to help.

The way I see it, if I’m going to take my vulnerabilities anywhere, I want to know that they know their shit, that I can trust the information I’ll receive. I want to be respected and I want to feel safe.

That’s why I recommend creating a quick mental criteria that someone has to meet (whether they’re an author, podcaster, or a coach you’re hiring) that they have to meet. My criteria might look differently to yours, but it looks a little something like this:

1. They have to have experience with what they’re dealing with. They have to be brave in sharing their story and respect that others are being courageous in just seeing help.

2. They have to be passionate about their subject area, and not just see it as a quick money-making scheme

3.They have to be realistic about what they’re promising.

4. Credentials and initials don’t mean shit unless they have the experience to back it up. Now, when I’m in the library, I flick straight to the about the author section before checking out a book. I want to know who the are to help me, and whether we’re a good match. Make your criteria, and stick to it!

What are they promising?

I’ve said this before, as have many people, and I’ll say it again. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

If you’re struggling with your weight, if someone is promising you a bikini body in 6 weeks, it’s probably bullshit.

If you’re struggling with relationships and someone is promising you the perfect partner in 12 simple steps, it’s definitely bullshit. It’s a bit of a balancing act: having realistic expectations for yourself, and finding someone who can help on those expectations.

What works for you?

We all find motivations in different ways, and we all take things on board via different means. For me, I love podcasts and things that are very action oriented. The more practical the better for me. But we’re all different.

Do you like workbooks? Do you like practical exercises that gently take you outside your comfort zone and put what you’re learning into practice? Do you like working with someone 1:1?

Does the idea of sitting with someone and chatting it through sound like hell to you? Do you prefer reading a book or listening to an audiobook/podcast in the comfort of your own home with some privacy? Do you get motivated through watching?

It’s all about YOU. There is no right and wrong.

And I think where people go wrong when wanting to make a change in their lives, is buying into something that was never going to work for them in the first place.

Spend some time working out what works for you, and then when it comes to sorting shit out and making your life work for you, you’re more likely to find something that is actually effective. And a last couple of things on the topic:

Please, judge a book by its title

Perhaps you’re struggling because you’re single and you think your self-confidence is holding you back. Let me tell you, a book called something like ‘Little Black Dress: Why you’re still single and sitting on the shelf’ isn’t going to help you.

You don’t need to be shamed into changing. You don’t want to be told what you’re apparently doing wrong.

Chances are, you’re not doing anything wrong, and reading a book that makes you feel more shit about yourself is only going to feed your anxiety and problem. Nor is a book titled ‘Fat Pig: adventures in greed, rejection and flab’ going to help you with body issues.

And if you’ve picked up a book called '10  Short Steps To Success, Riches and Happiness', I think you know what I’m going to say.

Protect yourself

When you’re looking for help, chances are you’re in a vulnerable place. Look after yourself. Only give your heart to people you trust not to crush it.

Give yourself time, space, and celebrate the shit out of your small wins.

And finally, and perhaps most importantly...

Sometimes you don’t need anyone else. You have more wisdom than you know inside yourself. Ask yourself  the question you want answered, listen hard for the answer, and trust yourself.

You matter, you’re the expert on your life, after all.

I’d love to hear what you think - let me know in the comments!

A Day in the Mind of a Self Care Warrior

It won’t come as a surprise to hear that I’ve spent a great proportion of life struggling with guilt, feeling selfish and going full pelt, with no thought to the effect on myself. A lot of us do.

I’ve talked a lot on my blog about how things have changed for me in the past couple of years, and how my mindset has shifted. I used to be someone who would google how to relax, how to find a hobby and symptoms of burnout.

Self care? It wasn't even part of my dictionary!

Now, I’m a lot happier - doing  things for my own pleasure, and taking time out. I’ve changed my perspective on changing the world, and I’m a hell of a lot happier.

But, that doesn’t mean that every day is a breeze. So, I thought today’s post would cover what it’s like to be in the mind of a self care warrior and the things I do every day to really solidify and affirm that mindset.

It’s not an easy transition, and is absolutely a work in progress.

What it takes is constant grounding, bringing myself back to what’s important, and regular reminders to slow down, take time for myself and appreciate the beauty of the moment, instead of getting lost future-tripping.

The Decision Filter

For example, I try to make sure that decisions go through a filter - that filter is mainly unconscious now as I’ve worked hard to instill these values. My decision filter goes a little something like this:

1. Will it bring me joy?

2. Does it align with my values?

3. How much energy will it realistically take, and do I have that energy?

4. What have I already got going on?

Remembering to think about my energy, being seriously realistic about how long things take, and figuring out whether it's going to be something that sets my heart on fire, or paves the way for something to do just that, is super important.

Daily Reminders

On days that are harder than others, where old thought patterns start creeping in, I remind myself of following things. They keep me grounded, they keep me in the moment, and they keep my self-esteem up.

I am enough. 

Self care is a necessity, not a luxury.

I am not responsible for other people's decisions or the way they live their live.

[Tweet " I am not superwoman, she does not exist."]

That first one? That's the mothership of everything self care related. It's not about being good enough, being nice enough, kind enough, smart enough. It's about knowing you are enough, right in this moment, without needing to change anything.

 Inspiration

As a creative person, and someone who loves thinking about ideas and hearing about other people's stories, feeling inspired is really important to me.

I take a bit of a no-nonsense approach to keeping inspired. I spent about ten years waiting for a muse to arise out of mid-air, and I hardly wrote a word during that time. I became blocked, stuck, and waiting on some external thing to come and rescue me. Inside secret: it never did.

Instead, I had to focus on feeding my mind and soul instead.

There are a couple of things that work for me, really really well:

1. Showing up

Allowing myself excuses, but recognising them as just that. I give myself breathing space, and then I woman up and get down to it. Showing up is about 80% of the effort behind being successful. (Percentage picked out of thin air, but I think it's pretty accurate).

2. Surrounding myself with inspiring people

Spending time with people who are loud and proud themselves, and are living their life their own way really inspires me. That includes spending time with friends and listening to talks, reading and listening to interviews. I find passion contagious.

However, I also think it's so important to create your own path and know that you can change things, using your strengths in the only way you can. While I love being surrounded by people who inspire me, it's so crucial to not try and be a watered down version of someone else. Let you freak flag fly and be the only thing you can be - you.

3. Taking time out

If I'm starting to feel tired, or ideas just aren't flying, I really acknowledge that it's time to take time out. I always know that having some downtime and doing things that make me really happy puts the sparkle back in my life, so I kick back, take care of myself and trust that I'll be back in the game belong.

The quote 'It will all be alright in the end, and if it's not alright, it's not the end', is a really important element of how I live life.

It's not easy

Putting yourself first, and nurturing yourself is always a work in progress. Some days it's harder than others to remember that I am enough. Some days decisions don't go through the filter properly and I panic about little things.

And that's okay.

None of us are perfect, and it's never going to go 100% right, and that's okay.

It's how we pick ourselves up when we go off track, when we fall off the wagon that counts.

Like Mary Ann Radmacher said (warning! favourite quote ever coming up!)

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it's the quiet voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow."

How I quit feeling guilty about relaxing

About five years ago, I read a quote that I haven't been able to get out of my head since. I can't remember who said it, it was possibly Marx but haven't been able to find it since. Basically it went something to the tune of this:

If you want to change the world, don't waste time on hobbies like watching TV. To make a difference, you must use all the minutes you have here on earth to make that impact.

There aren't many quotes that I read that have an immediate effect on them, but this was one of them.

Finally, I had found something that validated the intense guilt I felt at spending any time doing something not related to a cause or not helping someone else.

At the time, this was a good thing. 

I took it as inspiration, and took it to mean that I was on the right track. It solidified everything in my mind that was completely backwards when it came to me. It validated putting myself behind everything else, putting everything I had into the cause and not saving anything for me. It justified feeling awful about spending time on another activity (watching a film, reading a book which wasn't related to a world issue) and I didn't really have any hobbies.

Years later, after working through my issues with relaxing and taking time for me, I wish I hadn't read the fucking quote.

All it did was keep me between a rock and a hard place, and was an effective torture stick I could use on myself at anytime.

The reality of the situation was this: I would put 180% in, to get burnt out, binge watch TV and eat ice-cream for a couple of weeks feeling exhausted and get back out there.

And of course, I'd feel guilty.

[Tweet "Now, I embrace the word selfish. I know there are worlds apart between giving everything you have and saving some for yourself. And I know that that's okay."]

I took a long time to put the work in to change my frame of mind. And I don't think I ever would have got there had I not completely burnt out and become mentally ill.

I now actively push away from that quote I learned years ago, knowing that if I'm feeling good on a soul level, if I'm filling myself with joy, then the work I do is going to come from a better place, the interactions I have with people will be more positive and I'll be well.

I now have lots of things I love doing, which I do simply because they fill me up with joy.

I do things for fun's sake. Of course, I still care about changing things, but not in the same way. Not in the all-consuming, all-powerful, all harmful way that I did before.

Now, I hope my work sends out a beacon of hope to people who were right where I was. Feeling guilty about spending time on themselves, continually beating themselves up and not seeing the value in downtime.

It's a long process, but it's the best journey I've been on.

Now, I can treat myself with compassion, celebrate the shit out my small wins instead, and have a shitload of fun while putting good shit out into the world.

And, isn't that what it's all about?

Remember, it's not selfish to look after yourself, or do things purely because they make you happy.

What can you do today to stave off the guilt and actually start enjoying your downtime?

5 things to remember when you're exhausted

I'm gonna be honest with you - I am exhausted. Things have been pretty hard lately. I've moved house, started a new job and haven't had much time for rest.

Emotionally, and physically, I'm exhausted. 

So, I wanted to share with you some things to keep at the front of your mind when you're overcome with exhaustion and you need that final push.

1. Exhaustion happens to the best of us

It's not something that happens to the weak, and it's not a trophy of our hardworking nature. It's the result of having lots of things that take priority at the same time, and not having the proper time needed to have some quality downtime. It's human. (Now breathe!)

2. There is an end

It might not be in sight right now, but there is an end to the madness. In the meantime, do whatever you can to take breaks and remember that this will soon be a distant memory.

3. It's not the best time to make big decisions

Decisions are hard enough when things are calm, let alone when there's a storm brewing. Make the decisions you need to and park the rest for finer weather.

4. Celebrate your small wins

I'm gonna keep on saying this 'till the cows come home. Split tasks into manageable chunks and take note of progress and let yourself feel good about what you're doing.

And most importantly....

5. Remember your WHY

It's easy to lose sight of the big picture when you're stressed out, exhausted and overwhelmed. Have a one minute check-in. Close your eyes and think of the three biggest reasons why you're doing what you're doing. Then march ahead.

Go keep fighting and doing what you gotta do, but please remember, if you don't take care of yourself and make yourself a priority, it ain't gonna be pretty. 

3 reasons why we don't make time for the things we love (and what you can do about it)

It may come to you as no surprise if you’ve been around my blog for a while, that I love taking walks, and I love doing creative things like art journalling. They both make me feel really good, and they’re my go-to things if I need to clear my head, de-stress and take some time out for me. But I don’t do them as often as I would like to. And I’m guessing that if I asked you your top 2 things that make you feel good, you probably don’t do them as much as you’d like to either.

So what’s going on here?

There's three main reasons why we don't make time for things we love that I’m going to cover in this post. They can be easily overcome, to get more of the good stuff in our lives and to increase our sense of wellbeing in general.

Can I get a hell-yeah?

Great stuff, now down to it:

First reason - We get sidetracked

Life is so busy. And by busy, I don’t only mean the amount of things we need to do. I mean the noise, the level of busy-ness. We’re in the age of multi-tasking. You know what I mean - checking our phones when we wake up in the morning, trying to sneak in a bit of productivity while we cook the evening meal, being on your laptop while watching TV and catching up with family & friends on how their day's been. That kind of thing.

When it comes to doing something you love, allocate time just for that one thing. Put your phone on silent, turn off all distractions and focus. And take it seriously. Downtime for you isn’t something that’s negotiable on the To-Do lis

Self care is hard

There's this myth out there that self care is eeeaasy. It's like this ridiculously simple thing that needs no attention. Simple as running a bath right?

It's not easy

If this whole self care thing was easy, we wouldn't end up burnt out, exhausted and coming down with colds after stressful weeks. If self care was easy, you wouldn't have travel agents trying to get you to buy a trip to some luxury beach resort for thousands of pounds, just so you could unwind.

No, self care is hard. Maybe the act of actually doing things that make us feel good isn't typically hard (say, cuddling a furry pet, getting lost in a good book, going for a walk), but actually getting around to it and noticing it as something that's as vital as a looming deadline is.

Our lives aren't simple

There are always conflicting priorities. There's caring responsibilities, ridiculous work hours/pressure, insanely cute children, just to begin the list. All of us have so many things going on in our lives that tug us in different direction.

And when there are a million of things you could be doing, and feel that you should be doing, sometimes it's pretty hard to lay the boundaries down hard.

It's hard to make the active decision to do something that makes you feel good, even though it's naturally is going to have a positive effect on the rest.

We all know that, but it doesn't make it any easier. Not when we're in the mindset, and the habitual behaviour that our needs come last, and there's always something more important than needs doing.

So this week, I give you this challenge

When you're feeling stressed, like you're being tugged in different directions, or even if you're in one of those

How I fell in love with commuting

For the better part of the last ten years, I have been getting coaches all over the country.  9 hour coach journeys to meet one of my closest friends, about a thousand 3 hour journeys to see Mr. Meg when we had a long distance relationship and a 2 hour daily commute when I was working as a community development worker.

Forced to relax

During this time, discussing my frequent coach journeys with colleagues and friends was met with loud groans and mainly one word. Why?!

Let’s be honest, preferred methods of transport don't typically involve stuffy buses, with infrequent air conditioning, strangers with smelly food and extremely limited option to escape.

But for someone who has great difficulty sitting still, it’s been another story completely.

Having to be quiet, to sit still with just myself and my thoughts/a book/music forced me to relax (and nap!). There’s something about countryside flying by, dazzling lights of hundreds or so cars and usually a beautiful sunset makes it difficult to be productive, to do some extra work and tackle an endless to do list.

When I was making much more frequent trips than I do now, I really relished the time to just think. Think about different things flying around in my head, not just about something I was planning, somewhere I had to be, something I should have done. But actually reflect, to see life in terms of the bigger picture, not just the bubble that so many of us feel contained by. In many ways, it felt like borrowed time.

Space to breathe

Not only that, it would really help to get my creative juices flowing, allow my mind to wander, and allow me to breathe - apart from the times when the bus sewerage failed, that’s another story.

Obviously, being forced to relax shouldn't really be the only reason or opportunity  to relax. But in a world of to do lists, e-mail alerts at two in the morning and a nagging voice in the back of our heads, this is a good first step in the art of relaxation.

So next time you’re faced with a couple of hours of what I'm going to refer as passive time, what are you going to do? Pack a book you've been looking forward to reading, make sure you've got headphones, and my number one tip, double check you've got something to make your neck nice and comfy when you (inevitably) doze off.

And for those of you who (are lucky enough to) commute, chances are, you don’t get paid to be working on a fast moving vehicle (think of the insurance!). And we both know that if you work while commuting, you  probably won’t exchange that for down time when you get home.

Things you can try

Instead, upload some podcasts about something completely work/day to day unrelated, pick up a book you keep picking up longingly on your way out the door, or listen to a playlist of songs that make you smile/feel alive, and breathe.

Enjoy being you, because you are amazing company.

So what about you? Are there occasions when you’re forced to relax? Or opportunities you could take for some borrowed time? I’d love to hear about them in the comments.

Calling bullshit on the glorification of busy-ness

*Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece, not intended to offend but to challenge and call bullshit on both the unrealistic expectations women are expected to meet and the expectation that we must put everyone before ourselves.*I woke up this morning at 4am, and after making myself a carrot and apple smoothie, I went out for a 10k run, followed by a quick pop to the local swimming pool to get some lengths in.

After gulping down my smoothie at home while reading the paper, managing my calendar, sending work e-mails and feeding the dog, I picked up a home-made muffin as I rushed off to work, where I literally saved the world banking crisis. In half an hour.

My lunch hour (or 15 minutes I should say because I’m so committed to my job) consisted of running errands for my neighbour and solving world poverty.

After another five hours of sweat inducing report writing, and eating a snack box of celery (you burn calories as you eat didn’t you know), I’m off to pick up the kids from school, with their twenty-three friends for after school raw vegan organic tea and cake (which I grew and baked myself, of course).

After they went home and I bleached the house from top to bottom, did all of my spring cleaning and ordered another round of Christmas presents online, my friend called because she’s having a huge crisis, so I popped over to see her in-between baking a cake for my ill grandmother and meeting world leaders to resolve the situation in Gaza.

Now it’s ten o’clock at night. I’m on Facebook sharing a status because I want everyone I’ve ever met to know how super busy I am. I’m even doing my nightly beauty regime at the same time, consisting of kegel muscle exercises (tight, relax, tight relax) so I’m not caught by surprise when Oprah turns up in the middle of the night to give me a trophy

We are not superheroes.

Superheroes don’t exist.

This is not an aspiration.

This is bullshit.

[Tweet "We can't be everything to everyone. "] We can't pour our heart and soul into everything we do.

The people who we think have got it together the most? 100 dollars says they haven't.

Like we know the photos of women on the front of the cover are photoshopped and aren't real, these expectations are also unattainable and impossible.

I'm calling bullshit, and I urge you to choose yourself instead.

How spoon theory will change your life

When a lot of people think of the things they want in life, money and success might be up the top there. That might have even been what we had up there in the past. But when you're in the deepest trudge of burnout, energy goes straight up to number one. Not having the energy to go and do what some of us don't even think about doing (read showering, leaving the house, going to the corner shop) is one of the hardest things to deal with.

Run out of bread for toast? No problem, I'll pop to the shop down the road. Need to go post a letter? No problem, I'll just pop to the post office when I'm on my way home. Need to shower? Well duh, that's already taken care of when I got up this morning.

Some things just feel impossible

With burnout and chronic illness? The response to some of those tasks goes something more like this:

Argh! You what?! How am I supposed to do that? Getting out of bed feels IMPOSSIBLE. 

I just can't do it.

And that is tough to admit. As people who are used to always coming up with the craziest ideas, having fifteen tabs open in one go, scheduling every hour of our day, it is completely unfathomable. And if you're not there, you're chugging along, feeling overwhelmed and like everything is crashing down on you, it might be a case that you're not there yet.

I've been in both situations. More than once.

There's no easy solution.

But there is one thing you can do - you can try and sit back and reflect on the reality of the situation.

What I mean by this, is look at the situation, not from the perspective of how much energy you had before, but now much energy you have now.

And plan from there what is realistic.

Because when we start looking at our situations from a place of self compassion and love, we are better able to make decisions based on what will be good for us.

From a place of could not should.

How spoon theory can help

One thing that I've found really helpful in doing this, is the spoon theory.

I first heard of it through the lovely Liz Goddard from The Pillow Fort and it has since played a massive part in my life.

The idea is that we can count our energy in terms of spoons. We have a certain amount of spoons a day, and it's up to us to determine where we put our spoons.

Each activity we do costs a certain amount of spoons, so we must look closely at what we want to do in a day, sacrifice some activities and prioritise others depending on how many spoons we have.

Because each day we may have a different amount of spoons, it's up to us to determine what is possible for us, without exceeding our spoon limit (and increasing our levels of burnout).

It's simple

It sounds simple. It is simple, but it has revolutionised the way I plan my days.

I'll be talking more in the next couple of weeks about self sabotage vs self compassion, but for now, spoon theory is where it's at.

Here's to planning our days out of self care and self love, and counting our spoons.

If you've used spoon theory before, or are using it for the first time, I'd love to hear all about it in the comments below!

Repeat after me: I am not superwoman

Maybe people have called you Superwoman. It feels good, right? We’re in control, we’re pleasing everyone, we’re doing all that we can, we may even become canonised (a step too far?).

Right?

Ummm.

Being Superwoman may be a massive compliment regarding how we treat others. But it’s not such great news for how we treat ourselves.

But what does it actually mean?

 It probably means that you take little-no time for yourself. And that doesn’t work. Because we need to look after ourselves in order to do anything, to breathe, to be happy, to help others, to name a few. (read this piece). 

But I can do everything. I am Superwoman, I hear you say.

Well, let’s look at the facts. You don’t have the (sexist) outfit, you don’t have the cape, and I know I’ve talked about flying before, but I didn’t mean actual flying. People may call you superwoman, but evidence suggests otherwise (sorry, not sorry).

What you do have though, is an amazing set of skills and gifts which are unique to you, which you can use to work for you in a way that could only ever work for you.

What you don’t have is a limitless amount of energy and time. And these are the things that run out quickly, and lead to burnout and overwhelm.

Instead, it means that you have a set amount of energy and time, and it’s up to you to decide what works for you.

Hesitant?

SUPERWOMAN WEB

Well, it’s actually a good thing. Those things that take up a long time that you think you should be doing but you hate? Those things that you do for people that they don’t even appreciate? Those times that you spend working your arse off with no recognition?

Throw them away, and start putting your time and energy into things that you enjoy, and that work for you.

Because it all comes down to expectations.

The more unrealistic expectations we put on ourselves are, the more stressed we get. And the more we do for others, not complaining or putting ourselves first, the more other people expect us to do.

And life shouldn’t be about doing things just because you expect yourself to, or others expect you to.

I haven’t quite figured out the meaning of life yet, but I know living it whole heartedly and having fun are a key part to any good life.

So hang up your cape, keep the boots on, and enjoy being you. You don’t need to have superhero capabilities to do amazing things in the world.

And you don’t need wings, or a cape to fly.

3 ways to say no and stop people taking you for granted

“It would be easier, and quicker if I just did it.”“It will cause an argument if I said no, and I hate conflict"

Sound familiar?

I thought so.

So let’s take a couple of scenarios:

1. You’re at work and your colleague is taking a loooong time to do a basic task. Sometimes you jump in to offer them help because it’s a less painless experience all round. But this time, you’ve held back and they’ve asked for your help. You know fully well that it’s easier to do it yourself than explain it so they can do it. You’ve got quite a few deadlines yourself but it’s only going to take about half hour and it’s just easier all round if you get it done with. 2. You’re out with a partner/friend and you’re going for a bite to eat. You’ve been wanting to try this quirky new restaurant for a while now and hear the menu’s great and you both agreed this sounded like a great plan last week. Now it’s come to crunch time, they’ve changed her mind and you end up agreeing to go to the restaurant you usually go to. You would put your point across but you don’t want to ruin the night and cause a scene.

So what’s going on here?

Quite a few things, but namely two:

1. You feel that it’s easier just to go along and do what is asked of you

2. You avoid conflict

Hence, you say yes to both. And your urge to say no remains.

But it’s not really what you want. In the first situation, while you may have the time to do it, you’ve also got your own work which is a much bigger priority. Taking just half an hour out to help a colleague (and it wouldn’t be the first or the second time) will inevitably put you behind, increasing your stress levels in the long run. And if we’re brutally honest, you’re not really helping your colleague in the long run, because they won’t learn what they need to. They’ll keep scraping deadlines because you help them, hence becoming dependent on you.

In the second situation, you’re not being true to yourself. Because you don’t want to cause a scene (and I’m not judging, I’ve done this plenty of times), you’re happy to sacrifice your own wants and needs. You don't want to remind them of your conversation last night because you don't want to ruin the evening.  What we don’t often consider, is that in doing so, it’s creating a power relationship where you never get your way, and there’s little compromise. You end up going along with something you didn’t really want to keep the peace. And nobody wants to end up in a resentful friendship/relationship.

Let’s be honest, both scenarios are a bit shit.

When you’re stuck in a situation where saying no is the easier option or saves you an argument, here are some things you can do:

1. The Broken Record

This is one of my favourites, but I can’t claim credit for it. The Broken Record is an old technique taught through counselling, to help set boundaries. It’s as simple as this - come up with a statement that reaffirms the point you want to get across and keep repeating it. For example:

“I’m really busy right now, but if I get time to have a look at it, I’ll let you know” - sets the boundaries and leaves the ball in your court. Win!

“I’d really like to do x, I’ve been wanting to for ages and thought it would be nice to go together.” - You’re putting your needs out there, unapologetically and have considered the both/group of you. Win!

You can alter how you say your broken record statement, but keep the essence the same to make boundaries as clear as possible and to avoid confusion.

TAKING YOU FOR GRANTED WEB

2. Be objective

If someone is asking you to do something, try and be objective. This is hard at first, because it involves taking the emotion out of it, but it gets easier with time.

For example, let’s say your neighbour asks you to go and pick something up for them just as they can see you’ve come home from your weekly shopping trip, it wouldn’t make sense to go back out. It would take more time (which is limited), more money (to get there and back) and implies it's okay that neighbour can keep asking you to do things last minute.

It may be a case of applying the broken record and coming to a compromise. Maybe they can let you know earlier in the week should they need something.

3. What would you say if didn’t give a shit what other people thought?

This can be as harsh or as friendly as you want it to, depending on the circumstance. For example, telling someone to fuck off and do it themselves is probably rarely necessary, and is definitely not going to help in a working environment. But if you’ve got good banter with a friend, used in a humorous way, it might put your point across firmly.

The best way to use this technique, is to come up with what you would say if you didn’t give a shit what other people think and hurting other's feelings and translate it into something a bit nicer.

Give them a go, and let me know how you get on! Saying yes to things you don't want to do does make life harder for you a lot of the time. You may save an argument on a particular occasion, but that's a lot of resentment to store and hold onto.

Remember.  saying no means less doing things that you don’t want to, and more time to do things that you actually want to do. This makes for a happier you and better relationships with people around you. And that's got to be a good thing!

I'd love to see if this has helped you! Let me know in the comments!

7 ways to manage your self-sacrificing guilt issues

If you've ever heard yourself saying, or thinking... 'But I'd feel bad if I didn't'

'I feel so guilty if I take time for myself'

'Looking after myself is so selfish when there are other people less fortunate than me!'

Then, this one's definitely for you!

The problem with guilt is that it's such a motivating factor. Think about it, we start diets after Christmas because we feel guilty about eating and drinking too much. (Well, personally I don't feel guilt around this, but I know enough people who do). When we've let a friend down, we usually go out of our way to make it up to them, motivated partly by guilt. When we say no and see the puppy dog eyes, or hear the disappointment in their voices, we feel guilty, and our timid no becomes an overbearing yes.

But there are two main types of guilt. Healthy guilt, and unhealthy guilt.

Healthy guilt - I just dropped my sister's baby and I haven't told her.

Unhealthy guilt - I just spent all day helping a friend and she wants me to go with her to this thing she doesn't want to go to on her own. I really don't want to go but I'm going to feel so guilty if I don't go, because I'll have let her down.

What we're looking at in this post is the unhealthy guilt that pokes its head up when we want to say no. It brings with it a set of obligations and expectations. And as passionate women who want to make meaningful change in the world, we often place our obligations and expectations on ourselves and they're sometimes unrealistic.

Other times they're expectations placed on us because we like to present an image of ourselves which is indestructible and super-woman like. 

But sometimes, let's be honest, people just flat out take the piss out of our good nature. You know what they say, if you need something done, ask a busy person.

And guilt, it can be such a physical thing. It can drive you to feeling really ill, it eats away at you, and we often think that we won't get rid of it until we do the very thing we feel guilty about not doing.

Talk about a vicious cycle.

And here's the thing. Guilt traps us. It keeps us in a perpetual cycle of stuckness between fighting to be a good person, and going with what we really think/want.

Good person tug (that sounded so much less wrong in my head): Even though I really don't want to, if I do it, then that will really help them. I'd feel so bad if I didn't.

What we really think tug: I'm exhausted, I can't do anything more for anyone. I just want to go home, have peace and quiet and just be left alone for a bit. Oh, but I'll feel really guilty if I don't do it.

Guilt tug:  No, I have to do it. I might not want to, but it's the right thing to do, and I can't just say no because I'm exhausted, that would make me really selfish. 

Hence guilt usually wins in a battle between our want to be a good person, and what we really need.

As passionate people, and especially as passionate people who want to change the world for the better, we've got high expectations, firm principles and a moral code which we abide.

And as women, I think it's fair to say traditionally, we're used to putting our needs last. We're used to making sure everyone and everything else is okay before we take our own slice.

If you fuse those together, you've got the perfect recipe for a guilt martini.

So, what can I do about it, I hear you say. Well here's some pointers/excercises you can apply to your own situation, but first of all, I just want to make an aside.

There are numerous articles out there that tell us to simply let go of guilt, like it's that easy. Bullshit. If it was that easy, therapists would be out of a job, we'd all be doing what we fucking well liked, and we probably wouldn't burn out in the first place. Guilt isn't something that goes overnight, but with work and understanding, we can start to manage it and transform it.

So here goes:-

1. Acknowledge guilt for how heavy it feels and how much it has to do with our mindset. By acknowledging that mindset shifts take a long time, and rewiring our brains takes a lot of work, takes the overwhelming pressure to get it sorted right now.

2. Watch out for when guilt shows up - when we become more aware of when we feel guilt, we can start to identify what kind of things trigger it. Is there a theme? Is it to do with work? Is it to do with particular family members? Looking out for it and identifying what triggers it goes a big way in terms of understanding it. And when you understand it, you can try to adapt it.

3. When you start to feel guilty, take yourself out of the situation. What I mean by that, is run through the situation as if it was a problem one of your best friends came to you with. What would you say to them? Would they need to feel guilty?And try and take your own advice. This is a great exercise for seeing for yourself just how high the expectations you place on yourself are.

4. Find or create something that reminds you of how good a person you are, because you really are! Whether it's a list of things you've done that make you feel good, or a keepsake someone has given you, keep hold of it when the guilt sets in and let that pull you out of the vicious cycle.

5. Take some time for yourself, and when you're better rested, think about it again. Chances are you may have changed perspective after giving yourself time to replenish and rejuvenate.

6. Say fuck it, and move on. More about this approach to life in a blog post to come, but for now, let me tell you, those two words work wonders for all situations.

Next time someone asks you something and you desperately want to say no, but yes is on the tip of your tongue (because guilt has set in), take a couple of seconds and just breathe. Ask yourself is this really what you want?

If not, politely decline, don't go overboard telling the person you'll make it up to them (cue more guilt at a later date) and follow your gut.

After all, like someone wise once told me, 'If you can't look after yourself, how are you going to be able to help anyone else?'

It's not arrogant or selfish to put yourself first. Remember that.

Why self care is a form of protest

Somewhere between the stone age and today, the world has turned bat-shit crazy. The other day, I read something and had a reaction I don’t often have.

'Protest is a form of self care.’

I just stopped.

You know those serendipitous moments where two seemingly different things that have played a major part in your life come together?

Yeah, that.

(And if that doesn’t make sense, imagine your new friend you’ve just met turning out to be a close friend of an old childhood friend).

So if protest is a form of self care, is self care a form of protest?

Absolutely.

We live in a world where we’re expected to work every hour of the day. We’re bombarded with solutions to the problem of how to be more productive. We sleep less and less. We spend more and more on shit we don’t need. 

Seriously, think about it. How many people end up living to work, rather than working to live?

How many of us end up being glorified by our friends and family because we do so much for everyone else, and never ever put ourselves first? Even if we’re exhausted, ill and teetering on the edge of burnout.

Self care is a legitimate form of protest. It’s a way of putting our middle finger up to the rest of the world, and saying that it’s not okay to value ourselves. It’s more than fucking okay - it’s necessary. And self care is a necessity.

It’s about standing up for yourself, and acknowledging that you matter just as much as the causes you’re fighting for, the people you’re looking after and the world that you’re trying to improve.

Please, take a stand for yourself. It’s not selfish, it’s not pointless. Your wellbeing fucking matters.

This one word could change everything

As passionate women who are committed to making an impact in the world, we tend to say yes a shitload more than we say no.

Imagine:

1. A colleague asks you if you could do a bit of extra work as they won't get round to it and they've got a really important deadline to meet. You've always got on really well with this person on a personal level, but this isn't the first time they've asked. You wanted to get home normal time because you've had a really long week and it's the one night of the week where you have the house/flat to yourself. You can nearly hear that book calling you from your bedside table. But you know if you do that piece of work, it'll be great for your company, and it really doesn't take much.

2, A friend asks you last minute if you can have a quick look over a letter they're writing. You're rushing out of the house and need to get going, but you love your friend, and know it won't take long. You don't want to be late to dinner with your sister, but you're sure she'll understand when you explain it. Everyone usually does, afterall!

Let's say you say yes to both your colleague and your friend. Despite being completely different scenarios, there are two things that are happening here.

1) You technically could do it

2) You're putting their needs ahead of your own.

Technically, you could stay around to do that extra bit of work, or read over that letter for your friend. It probably wouldn't take you that long, and sometimes the end justifies the means right? Both are possible, feed into your image of being a good person (no offence, I'm completely with you here), and are pretty easy.

But let's throw a couple of other scenarios into the pot as well.

Technically you could create a pair of wings, go jump off a building and try to fly.

Technically, you could eat your body's weight in chocolate,

Technically, you could sell your left foot on the black market.

But it doesn't mean you're going to. You I could do all of those things, but it doesn't mean you should. They would end in a great result, to say the least!

The difference between the situation? Acknowledging the difference between could and should.

Let's shake shit up. Technically you could do it, but that doesn't mean you have to/should do it. 

Here's the thing. When you say yes for the reason that you could do it because it is possible, your needs go further and further down the list. It's only something little, you tell yourself.

But when you add all of those little things together, including the energy and time, that leaves very little left for you.

They add up.

So here are some things to try out:

1) Most important, life changing tip - replace your shoulds with coulds

2) Deliberately say no to one thing that you could do, but you don't want to (for whatever reason).

3) Watch and monitor how people react when you say no. Is it what you expected, and how does that make you feel?

I don't know about you, but when I replace should with could, life feels a bit lighter. I feel like I have more choices, I feel like I'm a bit more free.