3 ways to say no and stop people taking you for granted

“It would be easier, and quicker if I just did it.”“It will cause an argument if I said no, and I hate conflict"

Sound familiar?

I thought so.

So let’s take a couple of scenarios:

1. You’re at work and your colleague is taking a loooong time to do a basic task. Sometimes you jump in to offer them help because it’s a less painless experience all round. But this time, you’ve held back and they’ve asked for your help. You know fully well that it’s easier to do it yourself than explain it so they can do it. You’ve got quite a few deadlines yourself but it’s only going to take about half hour and it’s just easier all round if you get it done with. 2. You’re out with a partner/friend and you’re going for a bite to eat. You’ve been wanting to try this quirky new restaurant for a while now and hear the menu’s great and you both agreed this sounded like a great plan last week. Now it’s come to crunch time, they’ve changed her mind and you end up agreeing to go to the restaurant you usually go to. You would put your point across but you don’t want to ruin the night and cause a scene.

So what’s going on here?

Quite a few things, but namely two:

1. You feel that it’s easier just to go along and do what is asked of you

2. You avoid conflict

Hence, you say yes to both. And your urge to say no remains.

But it’s not really what you want. In the first situation, while you may have the time to do it, you’ve also got your own work which is a much bigger priority. Taking just half an hour out to help a colleague (and it wouldn’t be the first or the second time) will inevitably put you behind, increasing your stress levels in the long run. And if we’re brutally honest, you’re not really helping your colleague in the long run, because they won’t learn what they need to. They’ll keep scraping deadlines because you help them, hence becoming dependent on you.

In the second situation, you’re not being true to yourself. Because you don’t want to cause a scene (and I’m not judging, I’ve done this plenty of times), you’re happy to sacrifice your own wants and needs. You don't want to remind them of your conversation last night because you don't want to ruin the evening.  What we don’t often consider, is that in doing so, it’s creating a power relationship where you never get your way, and there’s little compromise. You end up going along with something you didn’t really want to keep the peace. And nobody wants to end up in a resentful friendship/relationship.

Let’s be honest, both scenarios are a bit shit.

When you’re stuck in a situation where saying no is the easier option or saves you an argument, here are some things you can do:

1. The Broken Record

This is one of my favourites, but I can’t claim credit for it. The Broken Record is an old technique taught through counselling, to help set boundaries. It’s as simple as this - come up with a statement that reaffirms the point you want to get across and keep repeating it. For example:

“I’m really busy right now, but if I get time to have a look at it, I’ll let you know” - sets the boundaries and leaves the ball in your court. Win!

“I’d really like to do x, I’ve been wanting to for ages and thought it would be nice to go together.” - You’re putting your needs out there, unapologetically and have considered the both/group of you. Win!

You can alter how you say your broken record statement, but keep the essence the same to make boundaries as clear as possible and to avoid confusion.

TAKING YOU FOR GRANTED WEB

2. Be objective

If someone is asking you to do something, try and be objective. This is hard at first, because it involves taking the emotion out of it, but it gets easier with time.

For example, let’s say your neighbour asks you to go and pick something up for them just as they can see you’ve come home from your weekly shopping trip, it wouldn’t make sense to go back out. It would take more time (which is limited), more money (to get there and back) and implies it's okay that neighbour can keep asking you to do things last minute.

It may be a case of applying the broken record and coming to a compromise. Maybe they can let you know earlier in the week should they need something.

3. What would you say if didn’t give a shit what other people thought?

This can be as harsh or as friendly as you want it to, depending on the circumstance. For example, telling someone to fuck off and do it themselves is probably rarely necessary, and is definitely not going to help in a working environment. But if you’ve got good banter with a friend, used in a humorous way, it might put your point across firmly.

The best way to use this technique, is to come up with what you would say if you didn’t give a shit what other people think and hurting other's feelings and translate it into something a bit nicer.

Give them a go, and let me know how you get on! Saying yes to things you don't want to do does make life harder for you a lot of the time. You may save an argument on a particular occasion, but that's a lot of resentment to store and hold onto.

Remember.  saying no means less doing things that you don’t want to, and more time to do things that you actually want to do. This makes for a happier you and better relationships with people around you. And that's got to be a good thing!

I'd love to see if this has helped you! Let me know in the comments!

You are worth more than your to-do list!

Got a to-do list on the go? Got it with you right now? Good.

Now rip it up.

I’m being serious.

Rip it up, just today.

You are more than your to-do list. You are more than the sum of everything you have to do today.

If, and only if, the world will end if you don’t do the items on your to do list, pick just three.

You are here, you are alive and you have hopes and dreams.

Living your life, means exactly that. Living it.

Being present, living in the moment and experiencing things.

Go do something that makes you feel alive.

What cutting my hair taught me about motivation

I had a dream. No, not the Martin Luther King type.

The type where something happens in your dream and you wake up thinking, hey, I’m gonna try that right now.

Hold your horses, it’s not that exciting (and it’s definitely not raunchy), but it’s worth a blog post at least.

I don’t know where I was in my dream, I don’t have any idea who was in it (not Ryan Gosling, I can tell you that much), but I do remember taking matters into my own hands and cutting my own hair.

For all of you hair experts, I know this isn’t a huge. But for someone who’s pretty picky about who cuts their hair, and can’t even draw a line with a ruler, it was a bit of a big deal.

Acting on my dream

So, I wake up, reinvigorated, ready for a hair cut. I am motivated. Nope, I’m not going to go to my usual salon - as lovely as it is - I’ve got a stubborn determination to do it myself.

(An aside: I dyed my hair blue four weeks prior and really embraced ‘I don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks’ ,so I wasn’t that worried about screwing up my hair. My main concern was giving myself a bowl cut and looking like this guy).

I quickly googled and youtubed how to cut your hair, put in a fringe and add layers and take what my partner lovingly tells me are hairdressing scissors (I’m still dubious), and then I went for it.

Remember I talked about hacking my garden bush before? This time wasn’t much better. But I roughly got the hang of it, and just figured I’d keep going.

Fast forward and I’ve finished my new hairstyle.

CUTTING MY HAIR WEB

The outcome

And it looks pretty good! Okay, maybe you can tell that the scissors were a little blunt but apart from that, I have layers, I don’t have a bowl cut and my hair has a bit more shape to it.

The lesson here?

Sometimes it’s about just going for it. Admitting you’re not an expert and trying it anyway.

What’s the worse that can happen, really?

[Tweet "We can spend our lives sitting on the sidelines, waiting for perfection, or we can just go for it and accept any mishaps."]

I know which I’d prefer.

What about you? I’d love to hear about any experiences you’ve had, or haircuts gone wrong!