Real Talk #1:There’s only so much compassion you can have for someone who treats you like shit

I’ve been in lots of situations where the response from the people I moan to, or open up to to, has been along the lines of:

“Well think what they must have been through to end up like that.”

“Don’t get angry, have compassion because they clearly need it as they’re in a lot of emotional pain.”

“Don’t be annoyed, just send them love.”

“Have sympathy and show them some compassion, and maybe they’ll change.

Well. Fuck that.

Now, I’m a pretty sympathetic, empathetic and compassionate person.

But I’ve learned in the last couple of years that there’s only so far that can stretch.

I’m not about to make myself believe that I’m here to teach some higher sense of self.

Nor am I here to be a punching bag or a doormat to show someone the error of their ways.

And I am sure as hell sick of being preached to about loving kindness.

I tried the Loving Kindness meditation once which is supposedly all about forgiveness, compassion and sending loving compassion outwards. The guided exercise I did started with extending loving kindness to the person you least wanted to give it to.

I just ended up more irate at the person I was trying to send loving kindness to before I started. Instead of getting compassionate and washing everything away with love, I had a moment of quiet to really appreciate just how much of a prize bitch she was. And believe me when I tell you that I don’t say that lightly. (I think it’s fair enough to say that I don’t think practicing loving kindness was for me.)

Here’s the thing.

Everyone has gone through shit in their lives. It might be varying levels of shit – sure you might have a different resilience or sensitivity level which is perfectly okay – but we have all been through shit.

And that’s not to say you have to come out of it as some kind of flying dolphin shitting unicorn sprinkles out of your ass.

But you don’t have to come out of it as a complete bastard either and treat everyone you meet like shit.

Of course it would be great if therapy was available on tap, and I’m a great believer in the idea that everyone needs therapy for something.

But just because that’s not the case, should it mean that everyone can go around throwing their proverbial shit at each other.

And it certainly doesn’t mean you should take it.

Now there are times for speaking up and there are times when you’re voiceless and incapable of standing up for yourself. That’s okay, and believe me, a huge part of the battle is getting to be okay with yourself for not being able to stand up for yourself.

But whether you’re able to stand up for yourself or not doesn’t mean you have to have compassion for that person.

If you’re reading this, chances are you’re a gentle and loving soul and the idea of not having compassion makes you feel like an awful person. Well I’m here to tell you it doesn’t.

It makes you a human with needs, who deserves respect and someone who has boundaries and limits.

So fuck having to feel like you have to give your love, empathy or compassion for people who make you feel like shit.

As far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t serve you and wastes the precious time, energy and love of the wonderful person you are.

If you need to experience compassion for the person in order to find forgiveness that will help YOU move forward, that’s a different story (and I think ‘selfish’ forgiveness is perfectly okay), but just do it for you.

Don’t waste your time on people who make you feel like shit. Because they’re not giving your feelings, your time or your energy a SECOND’S thought.

You have so many experiences, memories and wonderful things to create with your life.

Focus on them instead.

Challenging The Cult Of Now: Your Stories Don't Have An Expiration Date

Now, if you’ve been around here before, you’ll know that I have beef with a lot of things. Today’s beef? The cult of now.  

Have you ever noticed when endlessly scrolling through Facebook, Instagram or Twitter (we all do it, no shame please!) that in general, it feels like everyone has something exciting going on, or at least something of interest like every single day?

Now, I don’t know about you but I can’t claim to have exciting days every day.

I mean, I like to see the positive, I adore working on things that set my soul on fire, and I see at least five dogs I could kidnap every day, but it doesn’t fall under capital ‘e’ Exciting like the internet defines.

And an awful lot of my life doesn’t make it on to social media and lately I’ve been thinking about why and come up with a bunch of reasons:

1. First of all, I know how easy it is to get lost in the world of sharing things online to the point that you stop living your life

2. I have firm boundaries around what I’m happy to share and what I’m not happy to share (Mr. Meg secretly loves the air of mystery)

3. I’ve also been caught into the myth of only sharing when something exciting happens. And this is the one I want to talk about.

The last one doesn’t make me feel too good about myself. And if conversations I’ve been having and trends online are anything to go by, I’m not the only one.

It seems like everywhere we look, we’re obsessed with what I call The Cult Of Now: this idea that people are only interested in what’s happening right now, that past things aren’t half as important and that every second is a new opportunity to show people you are Living Your Best Life Ever.

It’s like if something happened yesterday it’s not longer relevant now unless you shared it at the time. By now, you should have moved onto the new thing.

But, what if you need time to process things, you want to enjoy the moment while it’s still the moment and you want to treasure and share those times later?

It’s like we’re all concerned that if we share things later, they’re no longer relevant, they’re hiding the fact that we’re not up to anything exciting right now, and we’re not relevant.

That sucks, doesn’t it?

While me and Mr. Meg were on our three-month trip around the US, I planned to really share my stories and experience via Instagram. As we all know though, planning is one thing, reality can be whole other ball game.

When I got there, it was pretty obvious from the get-go that things were going to be more...complicated than we planned. (Why we thought travelling from West to East coast via with no car and just relying on buses was ever a good idea!).

Rather than the images of wanderlust we’re surrounded by on Pinterest, we were circumnavigating a lot of unexpected things, emotions and scenarios. Instagram couldn’t have been the furthest thing in my mind.

But that didn’t mean that I didn’t have a whole bunch of interesting, embarrassing, downright bizarre stories to tell. It’s just that wasn’t the right time.

And now? With The Cult Of Now, it feels like I’ve gone past my window in which I could share them.

And that’s the thing. I know you have so many stories. For every single person on the planet, we could create an entire museum dedicated to each person.

And it's not just about sharing the Big Things we do, life is made up of a series of little things after all.

So I call bullshit on this cult.

If as a society we keep insisting on everything being about right now, we will lose so many stories, miss out on so much wisdom and newness will take priority over everything else.

Tech companies may hold newness and relevance as some of their highest values, but that doesn’t mean we have to as well. I would much rather take my values of courage, honesty, and creativity anyday.

Share your experiences, share your stories and share your ordinary every day moments. Remember, the things that set your soul on fire, the memories you hold dear and the things that mean something to you don’t have an expiration dates.

And please, don’t just share them under #ThrowbackThursday - you’re not a bloody retro nightclub for goodness sake.

Your stories don’t go stale. If anything, your perspectives and the wisdom you learn over the years makes them even more valuable.

So, here’s to sharing stories from the past which help build up the picture of who we are, sharing the more mundane things and starting to keep it more real.

Here’s to not holding up this illusion for each other that life is always wonderful and exciting.

And here’s to sharing for our own sake, and to having an authentic record of our own lives.

So what story can you share today? I’ll go first in the comments (it’s definitely a bizarre one!) and I’d love  you to join me.

Creatives: Just Keep Baking Bread

This is a tale about making bread.

But it’s not really about making bread.

It’s about keeping going when you don’t feel like you’re making a difference, when you think that no one in the world cares about your work, when you’re not sure where you’re heading and you don’t think your work is good enough.

Bread?

Now, assuming you haven’t been living under a rock, you know roughly how to make bread even if you don’t do it, have never done it or just don’t really give a shit (count me in that third category).

And unless you’re an artisanal baker that can debate the process of making bread for hours, I think we can all agree that there are four main stages to making bread (get the ingredients, remember the yeast, mix and bake)

But did you know there’s a fifth step? One that has has everything to do with the life of being a creative, putting yourself out into the world and keeping going?

Intrigued? Well, we’re going to get there soon, but first, to really understand it, we need to map the first four stages with the creative process:

Step One:

Assemble the ingredients (the basic things you need to create: your pen, your paints, your laptop, your modelling clay, your ukelele, your camera, your notebook - whatever you use.

Step Two:

Add yeast - the easiest thing to forget (when it comes to creating, the yeast is the thing that makes your work uniquely you: your stories, your experiences, your perspectives, your interpretations, your skills, your strengths, you preferences, your curiosity, your craft)

Step Three:

Mix everything together until it resembles dough (the bit you don’t like talking about quite so much: doing the damn work, sitting with an idea until it makes sense, the hard graft, getting our hands dirty and wondering if everything will ever come together)

Step Four:

Put it in a container inside the oven and let it cook (this is when your work starts to take its form - a story, book, poem, painting, sketch, photograph, model, patchwork quilt, song - and it starts to be ready to exist in the world as a thing that didn’t exist before

The fifth stage?

This is what happens to the bread once it has been baked. And it’s where things get interesting...

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An aside before we get to the deceiving fifth step - I know that the first four steps aren’t easy. Sometimes the hardest thing can be getting the motivation and the courage to start baking in the first place. Sometimes you’ll buy the ingredients but not bake bread for a while. Sometimes you’ll give up at the dough stage and put it in the bin, believing that it just isn’t going to come together. And sometimes you’ll go through the process and we forget the yeast and the bread won’t rise. I know this is hard. If you’re struggling with bread-making resistance or having the courage to start, you might want to have a read of this and this ).

--

Now, back to our process and the the deceiving fifth step.

I mean, everything until then seems pretty simple. . The bread is baked, the hard work is done, there’s fresh bread on the table and life feels goooood.

Well, not so fast.

Introducing the little talked about last step:

Step Five: What happens when the bread is brought to life

Sometimes you get so focused on making the bread, that you forget that stage five can be the ultimate decider of whether you decide to bake ever again.

It can be the deciding factor of whether you let anyone taste your bread again, whether you put all of your ingredients in the bin and decide never to even try to make bread again, or come to the decision that your yeast will never be good enough and your bread won’t ever rise like you wanted it to so what even is the point?

Basically a shit tonne of things happen during this stage that we don’t really talk about as creatives.

Step five is ultimately about whether you continue creating. It’s about your life as a creative and it’s about whether you put the things only you can do into the world, or whether you convince yourself that the world doesn’t need what you have to offer.

(Spoiler alert: it really really does. We all need the things only you can do).

A LOT is at stake here.

There are a lot of things that can happen to bread once you’ve taken it out of the oven.

Maybe:

• Your bread is delicious, you eat it all yourself (and you thoroughly enjoy every mouthful).

• You decide that regardless of how the bread turns out, you are in LOVE with the process of making bread

• You share your bread with friends and they love it

• You put your bread in the bread bin and look forward to eating it later and feel satisfied knowing it’s there

• Your bread is so good that you get asked to make it for family and friends and start wondering whether it’s worth thinking about selling it at your local farmer’s market

• You bring your bread to an event and it and every breadcrumb is eaten

• You decide your bread is good but you’ve got ideas of how it can be even better and get started on making a new loaf straight away

• You share your bread often and start getting recognised as someone who makes good bread which makes you feel great

• You decide to put your bread in the freezer so you can enjoy it later and go back to it another time

These are the things you know you want deep down, and it takes courage to admit to them out loud. These things might actually prevent you from baking bread in the first place, because you’re so intent on making great bread that it just puts you off.

Or maybe (and I think it’s fair to say that you worry about these things the most):

• Your bread just doesn’t rise

• You share your bread with friends and they say they love it, but you know they’re not actually a huge fan

• You leave your bread in the oven for too long and it burns

• Your brain is just alright, nothing special, nothing to write home about

• You share your bread and no one eats it

• You put your bread in the bread bin

• You get your bread out of the oven and it hasn’t risen

• You take your bread to a party and never find out if anyone ate it or what they thought

• You bake bread for a special occasion and the reaction is underwhelming to say the least

• You put the bread in the bread bin, and forget it’s there and it goes stale

I mean, that list alone is enough to make anyone never bake bread again. But please, bare with me, don’t close the tab. It gets better, I promise..

What if you could take the pressure off, even a little bit?

What if you reframed the whole art of baking bread?

What if you decided that the process of making the bread was more important than the outcome?

What if you decided to focus less on the bread-eaters and take back some of that power?

What it making bread for yourself was the main aim and the rest was bonus?

What if you took your stale bread and used it to make something else (bread and butter pudding? croutons for soup?)

What if you took your burned bread and put it outside and gave it to the birds?

What if you decided that the people who need your bread will find it?

What if you decided that your recipe was special despite what bread-haters may have to say?

What if, instead of giving it one, two or three shots, you kept going, continually improving and believing that each loaf has a lesson to teach you?

Because here’s the thing, bread-makers. Listen up.

This is where you need to get that hard crust sorted.

Not all of your bread is going to be good. Sometimes it won’t rise, sometimes it won’t make it to the oven, sometimes you will forget about it and it will go mouldy, and sometimes people won’t like it.

Sometimes you’ll make the best loaf ever and find that you can’t replicate it. Sometimes you’ll repeat the process with surprising results. Sometimes you will wonder if you should bother baking at all.

Sometimes, the art of baking will set your soul on fire and you will know exactly why you bake, and know that regardless of how it comes out, you were born to bake.

Sometimes you will share your loaf and it will change your life and someone else’s life.

Sometimes you won’t know why you bake, but you’ll carry on anyway.

Sometimes you will forget just how much baking is part of you until you remember it again.

This is the life of a baker.

And here are some truths.

If you decide it’ll probably be shit before you’ve even begun, there’s a good chance it will be, because you’re not giving yourself the chance to let go. Explore what it could be and see what happens.

If your sole definition of success is whether people like your bread, then you will fail. You risk everything if you create just for the bread-eaters. You risk your integrity, you risk compromising your yeast and you risk losing yourself along the way. There will be people who simply can’t get enough of your bread and that’s great  - but remember, you don’t have to change the recipe for them.

You have to find a reason for baking bread beyond things that makes your ego feel good. And if you’re making bread, or even thinking of making bread in the first place, then you have a deeper reason. Go find it.

Finding it is what will keep you baking on the hard, lonely days when you feel like no one cares about your baking and you’re not making a difference.

Because you also won’t always get to see who eats your bread and who likes your bread

You won’t always get to see the breadcrumbs you leave and where they lead people.

You won’t get to see all of the lives you’ve changed - in big, small and medium ways.

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

I know you’re practical, I know you want to always be able to see results, and I know you need evidence, but sometimes you have to take the most pragmatic part of your brain and shake it up a bit.

Because part of being a baker is trusting.

Trusting that if it doesn’t rise today, it will rise tomorrow.

Trusting if that people don’t like you bread, then maybe you’ve yet to find your people.

Trusting that no one can make bread the way you do

Trusting that you’re leaving behind breadcrumbs which are slowly changing the world.

Even if you take nothing else away from this very far fetching bread analogy, take this:

All you can do is keep making bread, keep putting it on the table and trust that the people who are hungry for the bread that you alone can make will come and grab a slice and leave crumbs along the way.

Keep mixing, keep baking, keep creating.

Whatever you do, just keep making the bread.

Because your bread? The way you bake it?

It changes the world even though you can’t always see it.

Make the bread. Put it on the table, and go make more dough.

That is the life of a baker.

“The art of bread making can become a consuming hobby, and no matter how often and how many kinds of bread one has made, there always seems to be something new to learn.” -- Julia Child

** The bread analogy was inspired by a wonderful conversation I had with Rebecca Thering for The Couragemakers Podcast on the topic of believing that you make a difference even if you can’t see the breadcrumbs you leave or who picks them up, and also the importance of taking the time to thank people who inspire you.

During Shit Times, Just Do The Necessary

We’ve all been there. You’re in the middle of a creative project, you’ve got a huge important deadline, or you’re running a business and something happens.  

Maybe it’s a period of health issues, a family crisis, a break-up, or something else. But it knocks the sails out of you and you need time, space and energy to deal with life.

This post is half permission slip and half a bunch of practical ways you can cope when life goes wonky, you have unexpected bad stuff to deal with but somehow you’ve still got to keep going.

If you’re reading this, I’m going to assume that life is feeling pretty tough at the moment.

Well, first of all - you’re not alone. A whole lot of people are down there in the trenches with you right now, even if they don’t all talk about it.

So, life’s not going to plan, right?

But even though you don’t know how the fuck you’re going to manage it, you have things that have to get done.

Those things might suddenly feel meaningless, pointless, a waste of your time, but I think we all learn the hard way that the world keeps turning even when our own world feels like it’s been put into a minuscule dark snow globe.

It’s okay. I’m just climbing out of my own trenches, and I’m lowering my hand down to lift you out too.

Now, first thing’s first: you need to give yourself permission to drop the non-urgent stuff and focus on what’s essential. Now this comes down to two things:

1. Giving yourself space and time to deal with what’s going on and generally look after yourself. (This includes the basic things that feel so impossible when life feels like it’s crashing down around us: showering, eating meals, keeping in contact with friends, taking tablets etc)

1. Making the decision that for now, you only need to do the absolute essential things

As people who do a lot of things, the second one might send off a huge alarm in your mind.

That’s okay - the resistance is very much normal. From experience, though, I can tell you that whether you make the decision consciously or not, it’s going to be the one thing that gives you the time and the space you need.

By essential, I mean the things that simply HAVE to get done.

If you work for yourself, that’s looking at your work schedule and working out where you have flexibility and what deadlines you absolutely can’t change (more on this later). If you’re employed, it’s making sure that you’ve done what you can to take the time off you need (all work manuals/HR policies should give you information about compassionate leave/sick leave etc) or if you’re not able to/want to take time off, it’s about getting friendly with this idea of doing the bare minimum while things feel tough. (I know this is scary and uncomfortable for us overachievers, but we have to choose ourselves first).

If you’re not employed, it’s about looking at your daily activities, and schedule and seeing what can go. It’s about being really honest to the people around you what’s going on and asking for help where people can help you.

(A side note about asking for help - the people who love and support you really do mean it when they ask you to let them know if there’s anything they can do. They want to help you and they want to feel useful, so if there is something they can do, please let them).

It all comes down to these two simple notions:

1.Do what you have to.

2. Done is better than perfect (if you can get away with it, do the bare minimum)

If you’re a creative…

and you don’t feel like creating or you’re unable to create, try to find a way to be okay with that and trust that it will return. Believe me, I know how scary it is, but sometimes you just need to give it a bit of space and put a bit of faith in your creative magic. (I really recommend Liz Gilbert’s book Big Magic if you’re looking to cultivate a really good relationship with your creativity).

If you work for yourself…

do the work you must. That might look like having honest conversations with clients who have a more flexible timeline, or it might look like revising scopes of work. If this isn’t possible, aim to get to a place where you’re doing only the things that you have to. You’ll have time for the more fecky/niggly admin-y things at a later date - now is just for reaching the deadlines you absolutely have to meet, and giving yourself grace at the same time.

If you’re trying to get projects off the ground…

and something happens right in the middle, remember that there will be time to get back to it. Try not to fall into the ‘everything happens for a reason’ trap and feel that you’re destined to not start/fail.  If you’re able to, write down a quick note of where you’re at and your ideas so you know where you were when you get back to it.

This situation, exactly as it is right now, is only temporary.

You might find your life is going to be a lot different than it was before - you might find that you have to carve out a new normal, but it’s not always going to feel this hard. And you don’t have to sort out and work out how everything is going to be right now.

For one, that’s impossible. With all the planning in the world, you don’t know how you’re going to feel and unfortunately magic eight balls are still a pile of shit.. A lot of the time it’s just a case of taking it day by day, and making the roadmap as you go along.

Secondly, now isn’t the time for big decisions. Instead, focus on looking after yourself the best you can, being there for yourself as well as the people who need you, and what you can do to make your life a bit easier right now.

Take the pressure off, my love. Life is tough enough as it is.

It really is okay to say no to things and to do only the absolutely essential things right now.

And if you’re in the need of some gentle reminders for when life goes wonky, I’ve written some here that might help.

Although it doesn’t feel like it right now while things aren’t necessarily go back to being the same, things will be okay. You are so much stronger than you think.

5 Gentle Reminders for When Life Goes Wonky

**Hello Couragemakers! I am so happy to be back after a pretty long break - a lot longer than I expected. A lot of things have happened during my time away which I won’t bog you down with, but let’s just say that it’s been a pretty ugly couple of months, which involved losing someone close to me, a health scare and trying to find a new normal.**

Sometimes life throws you things you could never have predicted and things can get pretty shitty. While my next post is going to be all about practical things you can do when life’s going wonky, for now, I want to share the things that have really helped me during tough times.

They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade - but no matter what beautiful Pinterest quote may try to convince you otherwise, sometimes it’s just not possible.

So instead of faux positivity and making yourself feel shit about feeling shit, I’ve put together some reminders for you to come back to when life is hurling lemons at you like it’s the Olympics. (Printable below!)

1. You are allowed time and space and most people will respect that. Sometimes you need to find a way to carve it out, but remember that little moments count too.

2. It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. Try not to judge yourself on how you’re feeling - feeling shit about feeling shit just doesn’t help.

3. You can grieve a lot of things. You can grieve over losing someone you loved, grieve over what you thought your life would be, grieve over periods of your life and grieve over breaking up with a friend. Grief is complicated, and we don’t all experience it the same. Your experience will be as unique as your fingerprint, and that’s okay.

4.You don’t have to pretend that everything’s okay. Try peeling your mask off bit by bit to for people who love and support you and let them help, because they want to help. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of great strength.

5. How you’re feeling right now is temporary. One day soon this will be a memory.

Those reminders might be all you need and the only things you can take in right now. If that’s the case, here’s a quick printable to put somewhere you see often. 

Gentle Reminders For When Life Goes Wonky

If you know someone who's going through a hard time right now, this might just be what they need to hear, so feel free to pass this on.

I’ll see you back in a couple of days for some practical ways of dealing with life’s lemons.

In the meantime, I'd love to know what has helped you during hard times.

Let me know in the comments!

Fuck Dreamshitters: A Manifesto for Couragemakers

You do not owe anything to anyone, regardless of how they make you feel otherwise. You do not owe anyone an explanation for who you are or how you live your life. That decision is up to you alone.  

You will change. You will go through experiences that alter and develop the fundamentals of who you are. That’s life - that is how you grow and develop as the person only you can be.

It is not up to you to be the person you were ten years ago, five years ago or two years ago. It is not your role to be frozen in time like a snow globe. You will outgrow people, people will outgrow you, and that is the nature of life. Do not put yourself in the snow globe to keep other people happy. The people who want to keep you exactly as you were should buy a doll and keep it at the back of their closet.

It is not your job to make other people happy. End of.

You do not have to be polite. When you see the girl who made you feel about as big as a thimble from high school, you do not have to smile and make pleasantries. You get to walk away with your head held high or say what you wish you’d said back then (you know when you come up with the perfect response two years too late?!).

You do not have to engage with people who make you feel shit.

You get to keep your distance with or without explanation. You do not owe old friends a response, you do not owe your old boss your company for a round of drinks and you do not owe your time and energy to anyone who makes you feel like shit.

In fact, you do not owe anyone any part of you. Your time and energy are two of the most precious things you will ever have. Protect them. Fiercely.

You do not have to engage in keeping up with the Joneses with anyone. It is a futile exercise which wastes your precious energy, time or money on making yourself seem impressive.

Happiness cannot and never will be found in making other people feel less than or puffing your chest out and pretending like you are better than everyone else.

Accept that some people however do find so-called joy in belittling and stepping on other people.

Put a fucking continent between yourself and those people, because it will never end well. Remember,  it is not your responsibility to try to change them or make them see the light.

Some people are bitter and will not see the light, but will seek out company to join their bitter parade - misery loves company after all.

Sometimes your compassion will run out, and sometimes deservedly so. There’s only so much compassion you can have for someone who makes you feel less than, drains your energy and provides nothing positive in return. While some yogis would like you to feel compassion for every man and his dog, it’s just not possible. Don’t feel bad.

Some people will test your patience more than you ever thought possible. You do not need those people. Again, they are not personal pet projects to take on, especially when they show no signs of self-awareness or wanting to change.

You get to walk away from the people who drain your energy, intimidate you or make you feel bad. Sometimes ghosting someone is the only thing you can do to protecting your own sanity and stand up for yourself. Some people thrive from conflict, and sometimes silence is the loudest sound. Protect yourself.

When life seeks to hide your brightness, do what you can to keep your own candle lit.

In toxic situations, sing louder, stand taller - even if it’s only on the inside. No one can suck the soul out of you. There are people who will feel like dementors, but know that they need your permission to suck your soul out of you.

Find the things that feed your soul and do them regularly. Don’t worry what other people would think about them - if standing on one leg singing Auld Lang Syne is your jam, bloody do it. It’s your life. Nourish yourself, feed your soul and know that you have the power and the strength to keep your own light lit.

Know that everyone and their pet dog will have an opinion on every aspect of your life.

You get to say Fuck That and ignore them. You get to decide what you do and don’t listen to.

Some people will never understand you.They will never understand your motivations, your quirks or the things that make your heart beat faster. That is okay. Do what you can to find like-minded people and keep them close.

Do not pander to the people who want to put you into a box. And don’t apologise for not fitting into a box. Don’t feel bad and simplify yourself to make yourself understandable to others. Cast aside the mould and embrace your complexities, knowing that your whole being will never be able to fit into one word, one image or one glance.

You have opinions, you have experiences, you have stories that have shaped who you are. You get to tell those stories. You get to tell them how you want to tell them, and you get to keep the bits you don’t want to share.

Your story is important and needed in the world.

Do not dumb down your story or skip over the messy bits to make people feel comfortable. It is not your responsibility to make people comfortable or reassured.

Some truths are fucking ugly. Some life experiences are ugly.  You do not have to paint a pretty picture. Your picture gets to be as messy as you fucking well like it. It is not up to you to make your life seem comfortable to spare other people’s feelings.

You also get to keep the parts you’d rather not share to yourself. In life, there are some stories aren’t yours to tell and that’s okay too. Don’t burn bridges when you’re angry and never send that email when blood is pulsing through your veins. Sleep on it is a saying for a reason.

Don’t play down your strengths and talents to make other people feel better. Own and hone what you’re good at and accept compliments with grace.

Your work is important, whatever the form that work takes. If you’re a creative, your art form and how you express yourself is your work. If you’re unemployed or aren’t able to work due to health issues, know that employment is only one form of work, and is not a source of life-validation.

Celebrate the shit out of your small wins.

You do not have to be a ‘good’ woman. You get to take up space.

You get to play big. You do not have to keep yourself small. You do not have to be quiet about your opinions or stay apolitical. Be loud and proud about what you believe and why.

You are you. There is only one of you. That is really fucking amazing and the world needs what only you can bring to it.

Chase your dreams and drown out the bullshit.

And fuck dreamshitters.

---

Like what you just read?  Every Sunday I send a free weekly Pep Talks to hundreds of like-minded Rebel Rousers packed full of more encouragement than you can shake a stick at. Click here to find out more and join us!

8 Untranslatable Words Every Creative Needs To Know

8 Untranslatable Words Every Creative Needs To Know

It’s fair to say that as kind-hearted creatives, we spend a lot of the time feeling like we’re swimming against the tide. We contemplate things which others think are plain odd (my Dad is SO sick of being asked if he’d rather be a bench or a tree) and generally spend a lot of time thinking about abstract ideas, about the meaning of life and the impact we want ourselves and our work to have on the world.

Sometimes it feels like no one gets us, and it can be a lonely experience.

Recently I was inone of my favourite shops, and I stumbled upona wonderful book about untranslatable words. Experiences and emotions that have no easy English translation. Things that are common place in other countries and cultures; experiences a lot of us have.

As creatives, we love using words to explain, ponder on and validate our thoughts, ideas and experiences. We like to make ourselves understood, and we’re often good at it. But do the experiences that we can’t quite describe become lost somehow when they can’t be contained within a singular word?

It was with this thought in mind that I started exploring untranslatable words that have real meaning and speak to the experiences of us as creatives and multi-passionates. Today I’m sharing them because I’m hoping they make you feel less alone, and because they’re too beautiful not to share. (I’ve included a list of pretty irrelevant funny ones at the bottom that made me smile).

Querencia (Spanish):

'Describes a place where we feel safe, a ‘home’ (which doesn’t literally have to be where we live) from which we draw our strength and inspiration. In bullfighting, a bull may stake out a querencia in a part of the ring where he will gather his energies before another charge' via The Book of Life

I have a couple of querencias. The main one is a nice coffee shop with a cup of hot chocolate and earphones in. Here I find space to think, a lot of my ideas and I leave with a bounce in my step. What about you?It’s so important to have somewhere to go to recharge your batteries and get more lightbulbs. It doesn’t have to be glamorous. It could be a corner of your apartment with a lovely cushion.

Fika (Swedish):

'A traditional break from work usually involving a drink of coffee or tea. In Swedish offices, you are strongly expected to take a fika, no matter how busy you are. You should not discuss business matters, but chat pleasantly with your colleagues and get to know those above and below you in the official pecking order. It’s democracy and community in a beverage.' via Collective Hub

I’ve been thinking about how this can really translate to the online world. For those of us whose creativity mainly exists online, we end up finding ‘colleagues’ online, where we can get together, support each other and also recommend the best TV shows. For me, taking a fika happens both through skype calls with online friends and twitter breaks when my brain feels fried. I’m really up for really celebrating a good fika - we often discard these times as procrastinating, but I don’t think it’s possible to overestimate the power of taking a break and just chatting shit with friends!

Litost (Czech):

'The humiliated despair we feel when someone accidentally reminds us, through their accomplishment, of everything that has gone wrong in our lives. They casually allude to a luxurious house they are renting for the holidays. They mention the glamorous friends they have had for dinner. We feel searing self-pity at the scale of our inadequacies.' via Untranslatable

Oh, friends. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Mindlessly scrolling through Instagram and ending up having an existential crisis about how we got here and what went wrong. I don’t know about you, but knowing there’s a word exclusively about that experience makes me feel better. I know we talk about comparison-itis, but it’s really reassuring knowing that it’s an experience in its own right. (And if you do struggle with this, unfollow those people who invoke litost - you’ll feel better!

Wabi-Sabi (Japanese):

'The quality of being attractive because of being imperfect in some way. Instead of getting annoyed and upset by imperfections, which are experienced as spoiling something, wabi-sabi suggests that we should see the flaw itself as being part of what is charming. Can apply to pots, furniture, houses – and whole lives.' via Collective Hub

Ooh this is one of my favourites! And a topic that often comes up on The Couragemakers Podcast. This idea that perfection can actually give instead of take away. I remember I used to get really sad when I accidentally bent notebooks, got pen on the cover or if they look battered. Now it reminds me of how happy I am they get used, and the adventures we’ve been on together. Imperfection can be the crack where the light gets in, where the real beauty lives. When we start celebrating imperfection as creatives, we give ourselves permission to experiment more, get adventurous and find alternatives.

Extrawunsch (German):

'Used to denote someone who is slowing things down by being fussy. It means an additional request which turns a simple delivery/operation/undertaking into a complicated one, often with only a marginal benefit and a sense of it being an unnecessary complication.' via Thought Catalogue

Ever had a pretty simple idea and before you know it, you’ve turned it into this massive tangled ball? I know that feeling only too well. It’s the reason I have a post it note next door to my desk which literally says ‘SIMPLIFY!’ next door to my desk. This is another one that I don’t think we ever really pay attention to. In our work, we can often become the obstacle in the way, because we want everything to be just right. So, here’s to becoming less of an extrawunsch and like Rebecca Thering said in her episode of Couragemakers, let done prioritise something being perfect!

Bricoleur (French):

 ‘A bricoleur is someone who starts building something with no clear plan, adding bits here and there, cobbling together a whole while flying by the seat of their pants.’ via io9

Come on, it’s not just me. We might like to think we’ve got everything together and everything is under control…but we don’t.  In fact, this might just describe the process of Couragemakers at the beginning! As creatives, all too often, we’re called flaky or seen as a bit of a reckless dreamer. But I say, let’s claim that. There is always method behind our madness; it might just be that the method is somewhat hidden from everyone - including ourselves. I like to think of being a bricoleur as being a painter. We start with no real idea and ideas come to us on the spot as the colours blend.

Torschlusspanik (German):

'This word literally means “gate-closing panic” and is used to describe the fear of diminishing opportunities as one ages.' (via Altalang.com)

I mean, how can you not love this word?! Gate. Closing. Panic. It’s all to familiar a feeling - worrying about how far we’ve come in the years we’ve had, and panicking that we don’t have enough time. As creatives, we’re all too aware of the pressure to have ‘made it’ by a certain age. But I have another suggestion - how about, instead of measuring our success with accolades and age, and instead by the amount of joy they bring?

Raaskia (Finnish):

To have the heart, courage to do something (via Dr. Tim Lomas)

Because at the end of the day, that’s what it’s all about.

Other untranslatable words that made me smile:

Tingo (Pascuense): The act of taking objects one desires from the house of a friend by gradually borrowing all of them

Age-Oteri  (Japanese) – To look worse after a haircut

Jayus (Indonesian):  A joke told so poorly and unfunny that one cannot help but laugh

Pisan zapra(Malay):The time needed to eat a banana.

Gheegle (Filipino):When something is so ridiculously cute that you want to pinch it

Which word spoke most to you? Let me know in the comments below!

What happens when you make a change from a place of hope, not fear

I talked a while ago on here about being guilty of future tripping. Getting so lost in what we want to do in the future, and not focusing on the present. I also mentioned that I had big changes which I would share when I was ready. And I'm ready.

Turning my life upside down

In December, I handed in my notice to my permanent job. In January, I handed in my notice on my house. And in March, I'm going to be moving to London in with my other half's family for a while, to save up to go travelling.

I have literally turned my life upside down, and it’s pretty fucking terrifying.

I have moments where I just sit here and think when the hell did I get so brave. I also have times where the more rational side of me comes out wonders what the hell I'm doing.

But you know what? I'm going to be honest - my life situation - up until the I made the decision to really shake shit up - hasn't been serving me.

I'd been thinking about a change for a long time, but I was just too scared to jump. And when I say jump, the options I saw available to me were changing my job, and moving somewhere cheaper. They weren’t both, and moving across the country, and making my dreams of travelling a reality.

All that time thinking about the need to shake things up, I was seriously scared of change. I'd rather be miserable most of the time than take a leap into the unknown.

Sobbing and decisions

One evening in December, I just came home and sobbed. I felt really trapped. The realisation that we'd got a house which was beautiful, but was putting a lot of pressure on us financially and limiting our choices was starting to dawn on me. And the situation I was in employment wise just wasn't serving me anymore, and was simply making me miserable.

The two main and concrete things I had made clear decisions on in my life - where to live and where to work, were just draining

me.

But it wasn’t as movie-like as it sounds like - as if a rock just fell on my head and I woke up to face the music.

It was a long time coming, and it was an evening of really painful desperation, clinging onto any hope of things changing I could get.

It had always been my dream to go travelling and I’d started to believe it was never going to happen. The years were creeping by and I was putting it off for security, something I thought I wanted.

And security became a great excuse for not acting on my dreams, and staying in shit situations that I knew weren’t good for me.

A lot of the motivation for change came from knowing that the only thing stopping me was me

Fear's been what's kept me in my situation longer than was good for me.

I was only able to make the active decisions from a place of real hope rather than out of fear.

Taking risks

Yeah, of course it was a risk handing in my notice on both my job and my house, but luckily we're in the situation where we've got families who are being really emotionally supportive and won't see us homeless.

And I'm completely aware that if it wasn't for that, then our options would have been much more limited, and we're really lucky to have such supportive people around us.

But thankfully, it’s all worked out.

Panic number one has been handled regarding what’s going to happen to my beautiful bunnies. Thankfully they’ll be going to live with my Mum and Dad who love them more than me (I’m kidding, I think!) and who really need some bunny love in their lives.

As for the rest, and future panics, I’m prepared.

I handed in my notice early to have all of February to sort things out without stressing, and it’s working. I’ve got a long list of things to do, but they’re not all house related. I’ve got time to read books I’ve been wanting to read, as well as having time to bubble wrap things and sort through junk.

February is seriously busy for me, and I’ve also got a lot of illness in my family right now, and things are really hard.

But I know if I don’t do this now, I don’t know if I will.

And it’s exciting. But also sad (I’ll go more into that in future posts).

So that's why I've been a bit quiet lately. I've really missed blogging. It hasn't been because I haven't wanted to, but because things in my life are changing in such a big way.

I’m looking forward to keeping you guys updated, and living what I write about.

[Tweet "Sometimes we just need to get out of our own way and take another look at our dreams and really believe in them."]

Self care is hard

There's this myth out there that self care is eeeaasy. It's like this ridiculously simple thing that needs no attention. Simple as running a bath right?

It's not easy

If this whole self care thing was easy, we wouldn't end up burnt out, exhausted and coming down with colds after stressful weeks. If self care was easy, you wouldn't have travel agents trying to get you to buy a trip to some luxury beach resort for thousands of pounds, just so you could unwind.

No, self care is hard. Maybe the act of actually doing things that make us feel good isn't typically hard (say, cuddling a furry pet, getting lost in a good book, going for a walk), but actually getting around to it and noticing it as something that's as vital as a looming deadline is.

Our lives aren't simple

There are always conflicting priorities. There's caring responsibilities, ridiculous work hours/pressure, insanely cute children, just to begin the list. All of us have so many things going on in our lives that tug us in different direction.

And when there are a million of things you could be doing, and feel that you should be doing, sometimes it's pretty hard to lay the boundaries down hard.

It's hard to make the active decision to do something that makes you feel good, even though it's naturally is going to have a positive effect on the rest.

We all know that, but it doesn't make it any easier. Not when we're in the mindset, and the habitual behaviour that our needs come last, and there's always something more important than needs doing.

So this week, I give you this challenge

When you're feeling stressed, like you're being tugged in different directions, or even if you're in one of those

Learning to choose yourself over unrealistic expectations.

A lot of us set ourselves high expectations. Sometimes they're not realistic, and we spend time beating ourselves up, full of self sabotage. That's why I want to share my story of 'failure' with you today.

A month ago, I wrote here on my blog about this year being the year to complete NaNoWriMo (50,000 word novel in a month).

Well, it didn't happen.

I can officially say, I failed.

What actually happened?

Well, I got about a week in, got to just under 7,000 word and decided the pressure I was putting on myself just wasn't worth it.

I was starting to feel a sense of dread about writing every day; I knew it was unlikely that I would make the word count, and it even got to the point where I was starting to feel a bit nauseous and very stressed at just the idea because I've had so much else going on in November.

Because that's the thing about NaNoWriMo - you have to be willing to put most of your life on hold to complete it, and be able to completely 100% dedicate yourself to just your novel.

And you never know what will happen in a month.

Not to mention, that when you start off with a (very) vague plan and not much else, it's pretty hard. I mean, I didn't even have an outline of my story. I was a bit doomed from the outset to be honest.

Not that other people haven't managed it, but I for one didn't.

So I've officially failed.

But, what about unofficially?

Well, I'm fucking proud of myself.

I might not have finished but I made a great start. Writing aside, I was able to make the decision not to continue, instead of putting myself through the stress like I would have a couple of years ago. And I stopped when I was still enjoying myself, so I know it'll be a project I return to some day.

I had a good look at my expectations and chose myself.

I may have not been able to write a 50,000 word novel, but I've been blogging consistently, three times a week for the past three months (which works out to be about 30,000 words, with additional top secret side projects on the side). And that's no mean feat.

But it is not about the word count. It's about the fact that I've loved writing every single blog post.

I've got lists and lists of future post ideas, I feel really inspired, I feel confident with my writing and I'm enjoying it! 

Isn't that the point?

You can apply this to any of your goals. Reframe the situation: you might not set out to achieve what you wanted to, but on the way, I'm sure you'll do things that you didn't think you would, and you'll find things that you've been wanting to do for a long time, that you're already doing without even realising it!

So I can officially say I'm ending 2014 without writing a novel, without achieving one of my dreams. But on the way, I collected more goals, that I have achieved and managed my expectations.

And they're worth their weight in Harry Potter books.

3 ways to say no and stop people taking you for granted

“It would be easier, and quicker if I just did it.”“It will cause an argument if I said no, and I hate conflict"

Sound familiar?

I thought so.

So let’s take a couple of scenarios:

1. You’re at work and your colleague is taking a loooong time to do a basic task. Sometimes you jump in to offer them help because it’s a less painless experience all round. But this time, you’ve held back and they’ve asked for your help. You know fully well that it’s easier to do it yourself than explain it so they can do it. You’ve got quite a few deadlines yourself but it’s only going to take about half hour and it’s just easier all round if you get it done with. 2. You’re out with a partner/friend and you’re going for a bite to eat. You’ve been wanting to try this quirky new restaurant for a while now and hear the menu’s great and you both agreed this sounded like a great plan last week. Now it’s come to crunch time, they’ve changed her mind and you end up agreeing to go to the restaurant you usually go to. You would put your point across but you don’t want to ruin the night and cause a scene.

So what’s going on here?

Quite a few things, but namely two:

1. You feel that it’s easier just to go along and do what is asked of you

2. You avoid conflict

Hence, you say yes to both. And your urge to say no remains.

But it’s not really what you want. In the first situation, while you may have the time to do it, you’ve also got your own work which is a much bigger priority. Taking just half an hour out to help a colleague (and it wouldn’t be the first or the second time) will inevitably put you behind, increasing your stress levels in the long run. And if we’re brutally honest, you’re not really helping your colleague in the long run, because they won’t learn what they need to. They’ll keep scraping deadlines because you help them, hence becoming dependent on you.

In the second situation, you’re not being true to yourself. Because you don’t want to cause a scene (and I’m not judging, I’ve done this plenty of times), you’re happy to sacrifice your own wants and needs. You don't want to remind them of your conversation last night because you don't want to ruin the evening.  What we don’t often consider, is that in doing so, it’s creating a power relationship where you never get your way, and there’s little compromise. You end up going along with something you didn’t really want to keep the peace. And nobody wants to end up in a resentful friendship/relationship.

Let’s be honest, both scenarios are a bit shit.

When you’re stuck in a situation where saying no is the easier option or saves you an argument, here are some things you can do:

1. The Broken Record

This is one of my favourites, but I can’t claim credit for it. The Broken Record is an old technique taught through counselling, to help set boundaries. It’s as simple as this - come up with a statement that reaffirms the point you want to get across and keep repeating it. For example:

“I’m really busy right now, but if I get time to have a look at it, I’ll let you know” - sets the boundaries and leaves the ball in your court. Win!

“I’d really like to do x, I’ve been wanting to for ages and thought it would be nice to go together.” - You’re putting your needs out there, unapologetically and have considered the both/group of you. Win!

You can alter how you say your broken record statement, but keep the essence the same to make boundaries as clear as possible and to avoid confusion.

TAKING YOU FOR GRANTED WEB

2. Be objective

If someone is asking you to do something, try and be objective. This is hard at first, because it involves taking the emotion out of it, but it gets easier with time.

For example, let’s say your neighbour asks you to go and pick something up for them just as they can see you’ve come home from your weekly shopping trip, it wouldn’t make sense to go back out. It would take more time (which is limited), more money (to get there and back) and implies it's okay that neighbour can keep asking you to do things last minute.

It may be a case of applying the broken record and coming to a compromise. Maybe they can let you know earlier in the week should they need something.

3. What would you say if didn’t give a shit what other people thought?

This can be as harsh or as friendly as you want it to, depending on the circumstance. For example, telling someone to fuck off and do it themselves is probably rarely necessary, and is definitely not going to help in a working environment. But if you’ve got good banter with a friend, used in a humorous way, it might put your point across firmly.

The best way to use this technique, is to come up with what you would say if you didn’t give a shit what other people think and hurting other's feelings and translate it into something a bit nicer.

Give them a go, and let me know how you get on! Saying yes to things you don't want to do does make life harder for you a lot of the time. You may save an argument on a particular occasion, but that's a lot of resentment to store and hold onto.

Remember.  saying no means less doing things that you don’t want to, and more time to do things that you actually want to do. This makes for a happier you and better relationships with people around you. And that's got to be a good thing!

I'd love to see if this has helped you! Let me know in the comments!

7 ways to manage your self-sacrificing guilt issues

If you've ever heard yourself saying, or thinking... 'But I'd feel bad if I didn't'

'I feel so guilty if I take time for myself'

'Looking after myself is so selfish when there are other people less fortunate than me!'

Then, this one's definitely for you!

The problem with guilt is that it's such a motivating factor. Think about it, we start diets after Christmas because we feel guilty about eating and drinking too much. (Well, personally I don't feel guilt around this, but I know enough people who do). When we've let a friend down, we usually go out of our way to make it up to them, motivated partly by guilt. When we say no and see the puppy dog eyes, or hear the disappointment in their voices, we feel guilty, and our timid no becomes an overbearing yes.

But there are two main types of guilt. Healthy guilt, and unhealthy guilt.

Healthy guilt - I just dropped my sister's baby and I haven't told her.

Unhealthy guilt - I just spent all day helping a friend and she wants me to go with her to this thing she doesn't want to go to on her own. I really don't want to go but I'm going to feel so guilty if I don't go, because I'll have let her down.

What we're looking at in this post is the unhealthy guilt that pokes its head up when we want to say no. It brings with it a set of obligations and expectations. And as passionate women who want to make meaningful change in the world, we often place our obligations and expectations on ourselves and they're sometimes unrealistic.

Other times they're expectations placed on us because we like to present an image of ourselves which is indestructible and super-woman like. 

But sometimes, let's be honest, people just flat out take the piss out of our good nature. You know what they say, if you need something done, ask a busy person.

And guilt, it can be such a physical thing. It can drive you to feeling really ill, it eats away at you, and we often think that we won't get rid of it until we do the very thing we feel guilty about not doing.

Talk about a vicious cycle.

And here's the thing. Guilt traps us. It keeps us in a perpetual cycle of stuckness between fighting to be a good person, and going with what we really think/want.

Good person tug (that sounded so much less wrong in my head): Even though I really don't want to, if I do it, then that will really help them. I'd feel so bad if I didn't.

What we really think tug: I'm exhausted, I can't do anything more for anyone. I just want to go home, have peace and quiet and just be left alone for a bit. Oh, but I'll feel really guilty if I don't do it.

Guilt tug:  No, I have to do it. I might not want to, but it's the right thing to do, and I can't just say no because I'm exhausted, that would make me really selfish. 

Hence guilt usually wins in a battle between our want to be a good person, and what we really need.

As passionate people, and especially as passionate people who want to change the world for the better, we've got high expectations, firm principles and a moral code which we abide.

And as women, I think it's fair to say traditionally, we're used to putting our needs last. We're used to making sure everyone and everything else is okay before we take our own slice.

If you fuse those together, you've got the perfect recipe for a guilt martini.

So, what can I do about it, I hear you say. Well here's some pointers/excercises you can apply to your own situation, but first of all, I just want to make an aside.

There are numerous articles out there that tell us to simply let go of guilt, like it's that easy. Bullshit. If it was that easy, therapists would be out of a job, we'd all be doing what we fucking well liked, and we probably wouldn't burn out in the first place. Guilt isn't something that goes overnight, but with work and understanding, we can start to manage it and transform it.

So here goes:-

1. Acknowledge guilt for how heavy it feels and how much it has to do with our mindset. By acknowledging that mindset shifts take a long time, and rewiring our brains takes a lot of work, takes the overwhelming pressure to get it sorted right now.

2. Watch out for when guilt shows up - when we become more aware of when we feel guilt, we can start to identify what kind of things trigger it. Is there a theme? Is it to do with work? Is it to do with particular family members? Looking out for it and identifying what triggers it goes a big way in terms of understanding it. And when you understand it, you can try to adapt it.

3. When you start to feel guilty, take yourself out of the situation. What I mean by that, is run through the situation as if it was a problem one of your best friends came to you with. What would you say to them? Would they need to feel guilty?And try and take your own advice. This is a great exercise for seeing for yourself just how high the expectations you place on yourself are.

4. Find or create something that reminds you of how good a person you are, because you really are! Whether it's a list of things you've done that make you feel good, or a keepsake someone has given you, keep hold of it when the guilt sets in and let that pull you out of the vicious cycle.

5. Take some time for yourself, and when you're better rested, think about it again. Chances are you may have changed perspective after giving yourself time to replenish and rejuvenate.

6. Say fuck it, and move on. More about this approach to life in a blog post to come, but for now, let me tell you, those two words work wonders for all situations.

Next time someone asks you something and you desperately want to say no, but yes is on the tip of your tongue (because guilt has set in), take a couple of seconds and just breathe. Ask yourself is this really what you want?

If not, politely decline, don't go overboard telling the person you'll make it up to them (cue more guilt at a later date) and follow your gut.

After all, like someone wise once told me, 'If you can't look after yourself, how are you going to be able to help anyone else?'

It's not arrogant or selfish to put yourself first. Remember that.

Pep talk - what do you keep meaning to do?

Last night I did something that I've been meaning to do since this time last year. It's not profound, it's not impressive, it's something that's really simple.

And that was get in bed at 7pm with a good book and spend the whole evening in bed reading.

That might not be your cup of tea, but bear with me.

Last November, I went to Geneva for a long weekend by myself. I'd already spent most of every day by the Lake, visiting the Red Cross Museum (I would thoroughly recommend it) and having a good explore. It got to the night time, and I wasn't staying in the nicest of areas and I also hadn't clocked on how expensive everything in Geneva would be. (It was also very dark). So I decided to have a night in, as in from 5pm onwards.

It was the first time I had ever spent a weekend alone, and although I was terrified before I went, it was the one weekend that taught me that my own company is something I hugely value.

I'm sat in my hostel after cooking creamy tomato pasta (my lack of French meant I ended up putting a whole tub of creme fraiche in, yuk), and wondering what to do.

The thought crosses my mind just to get in bed and settle down with the new Jodi Picoult book I'd bought. So I did, only slightly judging my boring self for not going out to do more exploring.

And it was one of the nicest and relaxing evenings in I can remember.

Since getting back, getting in bed early with a book has been something I've tried to do, and often failed. Life often gets in the way, and often, I'm just not in the mood.

So, last night, I just did it.

I knew I had a couple of things I needed to do, but I put them to the back of my mind, and just got in bed and opened my book.

And the first thought that came to my mind was, why do I not do this more often?! But instead of beating myself up about it, I just enjoyed the moment and finished my book, waking up feeling more rejuvenated than I have in the last couple of weeks.

So that brings me back to the title of this post. What do you keep meaning to do? I don't mean a chore, or something that's on your to-do list. What's something that you've done before and meant to try again? What's something relaxing you've always fancy?

Now, go and do it. And if you can't do it, schedule it in for the next couple of days. You don't need a reason for it, just do it.

It's often the things that our mind and bodies need that we fail to do, because like I said before, life just gets in the way.

So do it now, bask in it, and plan to do it again!

What do you keep meaning to do? Get out your planner, and schedule it in! And tell me all about it in the comments!

Self care is not bullshit

Let's make this short and sweet.

Most of us want to live.

Most of us want to achieve our dreams.

We all have a limited amount of energy and time.

If we hit the ground running and never stop to think of ourselves, we will fall to the ground.

Therefore looking after yourself is not bullshit.

It's a necessary requirement of every day life to keep us going and to ensure we enjoy our lives to the fullest.

Have a nice day :)

The power of unexpected nice things

As someone who has been used to rushing about, being perpetually busy and placing high expectations on others, I've often found it hard to keep patience and keep frustration at bay with things being cancelled, delayed or people being late. I would get annoyed, my blood pressure would rise and I would quietly seethe. But, being the people pleaser that I tend to be, I would never say anything.

That was until I made a concerted effort to

Slow. The. Fuck. Down.

And my lens changed.

Instead of seeing cancelled appointments, and late friends as a nuisance and a bug bare, I now relish the time I didn't know I would have to myself.

Be it going to a cafe and taking time to watch the world go by*. Taking some time to appreciate something beautiful I never would have seen. Calling a friend who I always mean to call. This time can be used for self care, doing things you don't usually make time for and just giving you a space to breathe.

It's these unexpected nice things that are often the most vulnerable. They give us time to recuperate and reflect.

They keep us in the moment.

And these moments can be serendipitous. We may meet people we never would have. We may have thoughts that could lead to great plans and ideas. We may have a thought we may never have.

So, give your blood pressure a break when something doesn't go according to plan. Grab that stealer time and let yourself come to life.

* In fact, this is how this blog post came to be written, in a cafe with a stolen thirty minutes I didn't know I'd have.

A simple approach to innovation

Kayaking doesn’t seem like the hardest thing in the world. A bit of balance, a bit of arm muscle and some good size waves. It doesn’t seem like a tasking activity. That’s until you met me. Let me paint you an accurate picture.

It’s sunny, I’ve hit the beach with my family and I’m in the sea. I’m coughing up water, I’m on my fourth attempt to get on the damn boat and my stomach is starting to kill from being thrashed about in the waves.

Imagine Baywatch.

Now think the opposite.

So I get on the boat (does it count as a boat? Oh,I don’t know!) and get the paddles into position, and I’m off (kind of?). I can confirm that it’s a pretty sad sight. The only way I can describe it is to think of a grown woman with the enthusiasm of a wide-eyed toddler pedalling on the spot.

[Tweet "I am not moving. I'm digging the oar in"]

And I’m not moving.

The harder I try, the harder it gets.

It’s pretty funny by this point. I can barely see beyond my life jacket and I’m quite certain that I’ve got my yearly salt intake in just a couple of mouthfuls.

My Dad meanwhile appears to be on some great voyage, having done a marathon style escape in his kayak, and my partner is bobbing up and down looking vaguely bemused.

I’m wracking my brain trying to think of why it’s not working. I’m moving the oar, higher, lower, to the side a bit, everything short of sitting on it.

I’m thinking of all these new fanangled methods to move forward and none of them are working.

After giving up for a while and sunbathing in the kayak (much nicer ), I try again, this time without all of the effort and without trying to find new techniques.

And it works.

I’m gliding the oars in the water, sailing along, I’m moving, life is amazing, I’m going to be in the next Olympics… (not quite).

Then it came to me.

What I had succeeded in doing while flailing around, was complicating the process to the point that I was stuck and out of ideas.

And Isn’t this what we all do at some point or another?

In an attempt to be original and innovative, we can overlook the simple.

We can complicate things to the point that we don’t know up from down. We get frustrated, we start to doubt ourselves and we wonder why things aren’t slotting into space.

It’s not always about doing something in a way that it’s not been done before.

What seems easy and obvious to us, would never occur to a lot of people.

And a lot of the time, the most obvious way of doing something isn't done well, or done at all, because people are trying to be too clever.

So, whatever you're stuck on right now, think about what the most obvious solution would be. Don't just think of innovation and trying new things.

And try it.

You never know where it might get you.

Are you living with your eyes shut?

So many of us are walking through lives with our eyes shut. Tasks become automated, we can’t remember eating our breakfast though we can vaguely remember what we ate and everything starts to become a to-do list item.

Check. Cross Off. Leave for another day.

We end the day thinking about tomorrow. We start the next day already feeling behind.

I know I’ve spent days of my life with my eyes shut. I haven’t seen anyone I’ve passed. I’ve been so involved in creating the future that I’ve forgotten that the present is a work in progress.

We see everything on macro-level. We barely spend any time thinking about the bigger picture.

It’s said that the attention is in the detail. I care to disagree.

Stuck

When we get bogged down in the details, we often lose the purpose that led us there in the first place.

We get stuck in routines. We start to make excuses. We start to justify choices that neither serve us or make us happy.

It’s like the age old fear of waking up one day, wondering who took over your life and how you got there.

I know I don’t want that.I want to look back and think about the risks I took. I want to remember the bold moves I made. I want to reminisce and think, yeah, that was me.

So I want to take a stand right now for living with our eyes wide open. Let’s bask in the boring, let’s make joyful the things we do on autopilot, and let’s make decisions that pry open our vision and make us feel alive.

Go dance in the rain, get off the bus at the wrong stop, cancel all plans for the weekend and spend time with nature.

Go to a stranger’s wedding, get a tattoo, get to bed early and wake up for the sunrise.

Go make a thank you card for a friend, just because, go write out those crazy ideas for your solar panel range of dog coats, go take a cold shower.

[Tweet "Go do something you’ve been talking to people about wanting to do all your life."]

It’s only when we shake shit up that we start to open our eyes.

Is trying to relax stressing you out?

Picture the scene.

It's been a hard few weeks. You just want to relax. Everyone has seemed to want something from you, the bags under your eyes look bigger than your credit card bills, you yawn more than you talk and you can't remember then last time your brain just shut up.

So you've taken an afternoon away from everything. Or an hour. Whatever you can spare. And you're going to do something nice.

It might be picking up the book that's been on your bed side table for the last couple of months, catching up on a TV series, going out for a walk, meeting up with a friend or trying a new recipe.

You're all set. You've been looking for forward to this.

When you’ve really struggled, you’ve had this to fall back on.

Now the time has come.

And you are STRESSED.

You can't pick what to do. The minutes are ticking by. You can't make a decision. The endless options of nice things to do has turned into a quasi to do list and you haven't got a clue where to start.

Sound familiar?

I’ve been there. Multiple times. It’s similar to when you think of something to write and you get it all sorted in your head -  the moment you hit that blank page, it was as if what you had in mind never existed.

So here are a some things you can do if you’re faced with relaxation paralysis:

1. Do the first thing that comes to your head

Pick one and commit. It sounds a lot simpler than it is, but remember why you set aside this time for yourself. It’s not about doing everything at once, although that's how our minds often default.

2. Pick one and schedule the others

Similar to the first one, pick the one that appeals to you most in the moment, but first take five minutes to schedule in your other plans. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, if it’s not in the schedule then it doesn’t exist? While that’s not completely true, as people who have a tendency to put self care and relaxation on the back burner, sometimes we do need that extra push to make sure we take the time.

3. Do nothing

Aka the beautiful Italian phrase dolce far niente; the beauty of doing nothing. Sometimes it’s about not having a plan, giving your mind some space and enjoying being in the present. You never know what ideas will surface.

And remember, if nothing else, all of our experiences are learning curves. You may have felt like your time was a waste, felt like you could have done something else, but your mind and body appreciate the break.

Have you had a similar experience? I’d love to hear about it  and what you did to overcome it in the comments below!

Believe in yourself, not just other people

I’ve written before on my blog about how inspired I get by big adventures and taking risks. You know what it’s like. You’re watching your favourite team on a Saturday night (or like me, watching Nashville) and you’re rooting for them to score (or get back together). You’re watching your friend take make a big decision and rooting for them, regardless of the outcome. You’re watching someone (anyone) taking a big risk and your heart is pounding, you’re holding your breath, hoping for the best outcome.

You’re aching for them, and sometimes it’s difficult to watch, but you can’t tear your eyes away. What’s so strange is the emotional investment we have in others (often strangers), in comparison to ourselves.

The sense of belief, the sense that everything will work out no matter what the outcome, the sense that when your best friend puts her heart on the line and to quote Brene Brown, dares greatly, you will be fucking proud of her no matter what happens.

What we’re not thinking about, when we’re watching our favourite player score (I don’t know what’s with the sports metaphors) is what’s going through their head.

The adrenaline, the fear of failure, the desperation to achieve, the way they feel alive, the way they’re worrying about letting themselves, and other people down.

We’re watching them, like they could fly. We’re hoping for them, we’re there with them.

Yet when we take risks ourselves, we mainly tend to focus on the what ifs; what if we fail, what if we don’t succeed, what if we regret it.

How often do we pause to think of what if we do so well that we fly?

Recently I’ve got (too) into watching vine compilations on YouTube and I think I’ve found my favourite which sums up what I’m trying to say perfectly.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Wvg-U302D4

Check out the dog (in a life jacket). She begins cautiously, and look how, with a little encouragement, she spreads her little doggy paws and just fucking goes for it.

And all the way through (all of about 6 seconds), we are rooting for her.

We’re willing her to take the risk,

And she does.

We feel better. We smile.

Maybe this is just me, but I feel so proud of that little corgi, and I find it bizarrely inspiring.

So next time you’re wondering whether or not to take that risk, think of the corgi. Think of how you could fly.

And think of how you’ll be happy with yourself for doing it, even if you don’t sprout wings.

Are we 'catfishing' ourselves?

I’ve recently got really into the TV programme Catfish. I don’t know whether it’s just a human interest thing, or because me and my partner met online ten years ago, but I’m a bit addicted. There’s just something about watching people at their most vulnerable, put themselves out there and pick themselves back up and start a new journey.

(The premise for any one who hasn’t seen it - which I’m going to assume is quite a few people - is that two people meet online, start a relationship and one of them ultimately wants to find out if the other person is who they say they are. Long story short, they go to meet the person, find out it’s not who they thought it was - typically an overweight version or a stolen profile picture  - and try to work out whether they want further contact with them).

Anyway, it’s got me thinking about perception; how we perceive ourselves, how we project ourselves to other people, and how we recognise ourselves.

I wonder how many of us really take the time to recognise who we are today. I’m sure if I was starting a new relationship online, the person who I present myself as would be an amalgamation of who I am right now, the best bits of who I’ve been in the past, and elements of the person I’d like to be.

I’m wondering, if we were meeting ourselves, would we even recognise ourselves? Or are we ‘catfish’ing ourselves?

Would we want to see the truth, or would we be more comfortable with the socially accepted lens?

There’s something really courageous about looking at who we are, what our life is like, right now, and owning it.

For example. I like to project a version of myself to others who is really confident, outgoing and sociable. The truth right now in this moment?

I don’t want to leave the house, and I want to be on my own, so I get the time to hibernate, rejuvenate and prevent myself from burning out.

And that is really hard to admit.

I don’t particularly feel like showering, right now as I’m writing this, I’d love to leave the house and go sit in a coffee shop, but I don’t feel strong enough.

For me, it’s about getting to the stage where I’m okay with that, and today I am.

And I think it’s only from a place of truth and vulnerability that we can make the changes we want in our lives. It’s about acknowledging the shit and not downplaying the fucking amazing things about ourselves.

Right now, I’m recognising my good points , playing to my strengths and looking to the future to see how I can shine brighter.

What about you?

[Tweet "Who do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you see a version of yourself that you’d love to return to? Do you see the potential for who you could be?"]

Or do you meet yourself where you’re at in this moment?

Because right now we only have this moment. That’s all we’re guaranteed.

Are you catfishing yourself? I'd love to hear about it in the comments!