What to do if you feel trapped in your job

In my world, January 29th isn't any other day; it's Meg Freedom Day. Today marks the one year anniversary of leaving my job and choosing myself. I wrote this for anyone who's feeling like I was, to show there is hope, and there is another way.  If you’re getting home and sobbing at the bottom of the stairs, or if you’re feeling physically sick and trapped whenever you get near the building, or if your job makes you feel like a shell of the person you once were, get out.

Or if you have a gut feeling that you shouldn’t be there, or if it’s something you thought you wanted but it turns out you now don’t, get out.

Or at least make a plan.

Let’s face it, very few people in the world are able to just to up and quit a job. I know I wasn’t. I had to sacrifice a lot to leave, and chances are, you do too.

But once you’ve got your plan, that ‘out’, everything is going to feel a lot more positive. Even if that out is in a year or two year’s time.

There’s little worse than feeling trapped in a situation that you feel you’ll never get out of. Your mind starts going to really dark places, and it feels like you’ll never see light again.

So when you’ve got a plan, the light starts to get in. You have an opportunity to imagine a different life for yourself. And a different version of yourself that uses your skills, your strengths and your gifts for something you want to do.

And while you’re opening the crack for light to get in, do other things to widen that gap. While I was making plans, I started religiously listening to podcasts (The Lively Show and Good Life Project). I listened to podcasts featuring people who had escaped and were making their own life. I listened to people who were doing life their own way and the hard journey they had to make to get there.

And something started happening.

By surrounding myself with people - even if they were only in my earphones - who had done it, and were in the process of doing it, it was starting to become the new normal. The idea of me getting out, and starting a new life and journey didn’t seem so far away. (Which is also why I started my soon-to-be Couragemakers podcast, but more details on that soon).

Once this happens, other options start opening up. For me,  it was realising I don’t have to work in the charity sector, and I might be able to work for myself. And that I might even be able to pursue my dream of travelling the world. You begin to feel less trapped.

When those options start becoming clear, shit gets both exciting and scary. Which is a hell of a lot better than the present.

But the present can teach you a lot about what you don’t want in your life. For example, you can write a list of things you don’t want in a future job/career/path and use them as a non-negotiable checklist when searching out new opportunities.

You can reverse engineer what you hate to find the things you might like.

If you’re stuck in a job right now that’s draining you, that’s making you feel like a stranger in your own life, that has you dreading the morning, sit down with a friend and look at your options. And include the crazy out-of-this-world ones. Especially include those ones. When you start to get creative, that’s where the magic starts to happen.

What to do if you feel trapped in your job

And know that you are not alone. This is only temporary, and it will soon be a distant memory.

I’m not saying it’s an easy journey or decision. It’s hard as hell. A lot of people probably won’t understand you wanting to leave, especially if you’ve got a contract and everything looks good from the outside.

But it’s not their decision. And you don’t have to justify it to anyone other than yourself.

So, if you’re struggling right now, do these 3 things:

1. Sit down with a friend and look at your options. And I mean really explore each option

2. Make a non negotiable list of things your next journey can’t include

3. Work out your baseline - what is the minimum amount of money per month and per year that you need to survive

And then make a plan.

This doesn’t have to be your life. I’m not saying I know what your life is going to look like or you do either. But I know that right now, it’s not serving you and it’s taking away from the wonderful person you are.

And you sure as hell are worth more than that.

It’s going to take time. And it’s going to take time to re-build yourself. But you will get there.

Love yourself enough to leave and see what could be.

For me, that looked like moving in with in-laws, working for myself and saving up to travel the world. I'll be leaving in August August to spend  3 months travelling from the West to East Coast of the States, and 6 months across India, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos and Indonesia. And then, who knows?!

What could it be for you? 

A couragemaker’s guide to navigating the self help world

I’ve ranted a lot lately. About online gurus, about get rich quick schemes, and other bullshit that creates an alluring trap for couragemakers like you and me but ends up with us feeling worse in the long run. Now, believe it or not, the self-help (or as dream chasing as I prefer to call it) and autobiographies sections in my local library are by far my favourite sections. For me, there's something so powerful in someone telling their story, and sharing their dreams, and being vulnerable as hell about where they’ve come from and where they’re going.

That inspires me above all else.

But it’s taken me a while to navigate that whole world and make it work for me.

When you're in a place of quiet desperation, you'll try near enough anything. But when you're in that place of quiet desperation, you're also incredibly vulnerable.

And let’s face it - we all need help sometimes. Whether you're wondering what to do out of college, trying to figure out how to chase your dreams, want to improve a relationship or want to up your confidence, sometimes we need a gentle reminder, or strategies to deal with something we’re going through.

And there’s a whole lot of help out there. Everyone wants to help. Everyone has an opinion. And let’s face it - there are a lot of people want to charge you thousands for things you already know. Some want you to buy into (quite literally), their way of doing things.

It’s a messy world.

As it stands right now, on Amazon UK, there are 405,108 books in the Mind, Body, Spirit section. In the kindle store, there are  253,342 e-books in the Self Help/Counselling section. That’s just books. That doesn’t include the thousands of self-help podcasts, the hundreds of thousands of life coaches online, or the thousands of YouTube clips on self-help.

Wow.

That’s a whole load of people with a whole load of different opinions on how they can improve your life. They have conflicting viewpoints, conflicting methods, and conflicting promises. But they all have something in common. They want to help you.

But where on earth do you turn to? Who can you trust?

That’s where these questions come into it. Answer them, and you’ll find a much better tactic of finding help that’s suited to you than just picking up the latest bestseller.

When you’re finished, you’re going to have a better idea of what you want, how you want it and what works for you. (Me? Ryan Gosling, on the kitchen table. Thanks.)

So, let’s get started!

What do you actually need?

What are you dealing with? And what do you actually need?

When you're looking for help (this also applies to when moaning to a friend about something), you generally want one of the following:

• Permission - and confidence to do something.

• Reassurance - that things will work out, that we’re a good person, that everything will work out okay in the end

• Confirmation - that you’re doing the right thing and you’re making the right decision

• Understanding and knowledge - you want to get down to the root cause of it. Knowledge is power!

• Actionable steps - easily laid out things you can do to get your where you want.

Figuring out what you need makes it a lot easier to find what you’re looking for. It’s also an excellent way of cutting out a lot of the shit!

What qualifies them to help YOU?

I used to trust easily and I used to be pretty naive.

Now things are different. I know that not everyone who says they want to help genuinely wants to help. Some are more motivated by money, and some bring absolutely no experience and aren’t qualified on any level to help.

The way I see it, if I’m going to take my vulnerabilities anywhere, I want to know that they know their shit, that I can trust the information I’ll receive. I want to be respected and I want to feel safe.

That’s why I recommend creating a quick mental criteria that someone has to meet (whether they’re an author, podcaster, or a coach you’re hiring) that they have to meet. My criteria might look differently to yours, but it looks a little something like this:

1. They have to have experience with what they’re dealing with. They have to be brave in sharing their story and respect that others are being courageous in just seeing help.

2. They have to be passionate about their subject area, and not just see it as a quick money-making scheme

3.They have to be realistic about what they’re promising.

4. Credentials and initials don’t mean shit unless they have the experience to back it up. Now, when I’m in the library, I flick straight to the about the author section before checking out a book. I want to know who the are to help me, and whether we’re a good match. Make your criteria, and stick to it!

What are they promising?

I’ve said this before, as have many people, and I’ll say it again. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

If you’re struggling with your weight, if someone is promising you a bikini body in 6 weeks, it’s probably bullshit.

If you’re struggling with relationships and someone is promising you the perfect partner in 12 simple steps, it’s definitely bullshit. It’s a bit of a balancing act: having realistic expectations for yourself, and finding someone who can help on those expectations.

What works for you?

We all find motivations in different ways, and we all take things on board via different means. For me, I love podcasts and things that are very action oriented. The more practical the better for me. But we’re all different.

Do you like workbooks? Do you like practical exercises that gently take you outside your comfort zone and put what you’re learning into practice? Do you like working with someone 1:1?

Does the idea of sitting with someone and chatting it through sound like hell to you? Do you prefer reading a book or listening to an audiobook/podcast in the comfort of your own home with some privacy? Do you get motivated through watching?

It’s all about YOU. There is no right and wrong.

And I think where people go wrong when wanting to make a change in their lives, is buying into something that was never going to work for them in the first place.

Spend some time working out what works for you, and then when it comes to sorting shit out and making your life work for you, you’re more likely to find something that is actually effective. And a last couple of things on the topic:

Please, judge a book by its title

Perhaps you’re struggling because you’re single and you think your self-confidence is holding you back. Let me tell you, a book called something like ‘Little Black Dress: Why you’re still single and sitting on the shelf’ isn’t going to help you.

You don’t need to be shamed into changing. You don’t want to be told what you’re apparently doing wrong.

Chances are, you’re not doing anything wrong, and reading a book that makes you feel more shit about yourself is only going to feed your anxiety and problem. Nor is a book titled ‘Fat Pig: adventures in greed, rejection and flab’ going to help you with body issues.

And if you’ve picked up a book called '10  Short Steps To Success, Riches and Happiness', I think you know what I’m going to say.

Protect yourself

When you’re looking for help, chances are you’re in a vulnerable place. Look after yourself. Only give your heart to people you trust not to crush it.

Give yourself time, space, and celebrate the shit out of your small wins.

And finally, and perhaps most importantly...

Sometimes you don’t need anyone else. You have more wisdom than you know inside yourself. Ask yourself  the question you want answered, listen hard for the answer, and trust yourself.

You matter, you’re the expert on your life, after all.

I’d love to hear what you think - let me know in the comments!

13 things you'll gain from starting that big project

Today I'm sharing with you the big fuck off reminders life gives you when you're undertaking any big project. Whether you're writing a book, thinking of starting your own business, planning a wedding, or even thinking that you'd like a big project; there are so many great takeaways. Now, if you're anything like me, you like to take on big projects. Or the idea of taking on a big project. Over the last 3 months, I have completely overhauled That Hummingbird Life's website, and when I completed it, like most things in my life, I asked myself, what are the lessons in this?

Any big project will tell you a lot about yourself. Pursuing any big dream, and the hard graft that it takes to get there, will teach you invaluable lessons.

So whatever project you're working on, or even thinking of starting, hopefully these home truths will help and inspire you.

1. You find out what really matters to you

When we take on projects, of course we always have hopes and aspirations for the end result, but it's fair to say that a guaranteed and specific financial income isn't set in stone. Money might not even come into it, like many things in life we love. What that means is that so many of us are motivated by the things that matter to us. Fulfilment, working for a purpose,  happiness, connection.

Taking on a project is a chance to get to the root of what lights us up. It's an opportunity to remind ourselves of what really matters, what we're working towards, and keep us grounded and focused. And no matter where we are in life, it's a welcome and much needed reminder for all of us.

2. You gain so much more confidence and resilience

Something will always go wrong last minute. And it's usually something you don't plan for. But it's not a reason not to try in the first place. After all, by the time you're near completing your project, you've gained so much self trust and confidence, the thing that goes wrong usually comes as a surprise. And as a result of that, you deal with it. It's a great cycle that shows you that you're able to deal with anything life throws at you, and in turn increases your confidence further. Win win.

3. Everyone will have advice but you have all the answers

E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E. It might be well meaning from someone you love, it might be someone manipulating where you're at to sell you something (buy this book to write a BESTSELLING novel). Everyone loves to give out free advice. But somewhere in between starting out and really getting stuck in, you'll realise how much knowledge you already have. And how much listening to your gut tells you. And that's pretty fucking powerful stuff.

4. You realise you can't please everyone, and that's OK

The same way as everyone always has advice, everyone always has an opinion. And they'll give it to you, unsolicited at a moment's notice. If you have a friend/partner that you trust to tell you the truth (in a loving way), use them as a sounding board. But what many famous writers have advised around not telling everyone the whole story until it's done? I think there's some leg room in that. It's not your job to please everyone - it's an impossible goal, and you'll just end up feeling shite. But you'll learn that along the way, and that is pretty fucking powerful.

5. You have to trust in yourself, that you will be able to bring your vision to life

Putting your idea into words is hard. Explaining it can be even harder. Even with the most elaborate Pinterest boards or deck of notecards, it's hard to show other people your vision before it's come to life. But just because you can't find the right words, or other people seem confused as to what it is you're aiming for, doesn't mean that it's not going to happen. And it certainly doesn't mean your ideas are silly, or too big. In the moment when you're faced with fear and self doubt, remember that you had the idea. You have what it takes to bring it to life. And if people aren't understanding it just yet, it's more likely to be because you've tapped into something special, instead of your idea being intangible.

6. You'll accumulate a ridiculous amount of skills

You get such a larger set of skills by starting a project that sets your heart of fire, instead of starting out to just learn a skill. Instead of starting by trawling through technical details, you start with what makes you excited, and pick the skills you need up on the way. Research and development are two of the most essential parts when it comes to working on a project, and it's always worth writing a quick list of skills you accumulated after it's done. I guarantee you'll be surprised.

7. You have to start before you're ready

While research is important, it also functions as a defence mechanism against fear. When I was a teenager, I spent years buying writing magazines instead of just putting pen to paper. There's something safe about learning more about doing something, without actually doing anything. One thing starting a project shows you is that you'll never be 100% ready. There will always be something else you could have looked up, or something else you could have spent money on. But when you get that urge just to start already? That's an image that's going to stay in your head and motivate and inspire you for a long time to come.

8. You'll find courage you didn't know was there

Starting before you're ready takes a lot of fucking courage. And throughout all of the twists and turns of whatever you're working on, you'll find courage that you didn't even know existed. Courage to tell the outside world what you're doing. Courage to share yourself with the world, and courage to feel the fear and keep on going.

9. While everyone will marvel at what you've done, not many people will see the blood, sweat & tears

Dealing with other people's reactions is an important one. People will wonder where you found the time, where you found the energy and where the talent came from. It's always worth remembering that jealousy and admiration can be sides of the same coin, and the bitter ones? The words they speak say more about themselves than what you're doing. We're increasingly living in a world where people produce the latest shiny things as if it's as easy as taking a shit. They don't show you the messy bits, the late nights, the tears of frustration. They want to be seen as having it all figured out. 1) No one has it all figured out and 2) Seeing the messy bits shows that you're human. That you didn't come out of the womb dressed in a tutu and with an iPhone.

10. You learn that it's okay to take a break

You can only have so many sleepless nights, stare at the computer for so long, or read the same paragraph so many times. At some point, you're going to realise that, like it or not, you really need a break. Then you realise that when you're rested, you can get so much more done and it starts becoming fun again.There's nothing like tiredness and exhaustion to suck all the fun and enthusiasm out of your life like a dementor. When you learn that your mind and your body needs a break, and it's often the best thing you can do, life gets a hell of a lot easier.

11. Deadlines increase your ability to make decisions

When you have no timeframe, it's so easy to get caught up in analysis paralysis. Decisions can take days and it just gets really frustrating. But when you've got a big project and you set yourself deadlines, it can be a different story. Decisions that might have taken you a week to make? You don't want to stall the project for too long, so they're made much quicker. And you end up trusting your own judgement so much more. And self trust? That's something you're not going to find on Amazon.

12.  There is no right feeling when you've finished

This is a big one for me. When you finish a project, it's a whole mixed bag of emotions. We can put too much pressure on ourselves to feel over the moon and enthusiastic. For me, right when I finish a project, exhaustion sweeps over me. Any sort of pride, or ability to give a fuck goes. Then a couple of days it all catches up with me and I get a huge boost. Whatever you're feeling, your feelings are legitimate. Just remember to mark it/celebrate it in some way!

13. You learn to manage your own expectations

Starting a big project can do wonders for managing your own expectations. We tend to downplay the things we're great at, simultaneously giving ourselves huge goals that aren't always attainable. Somewhere in the process, you start working out your own definition of success and managing your own expectations to something that makes you feel great.

Everyone's experiences are different, but I know one thing for absolutely certain. Starting a big project gets you closer to where you want to be. Whatever the motivating factor, the main thing is that you start.

Because once you start? The world is your oyster. You have so much genius only you can put into the world, and the world needs to see it! Wrestle those fears!

I'm looking forward to writing more posts on starting and planning projects.

I'd love to know any questions you'd love me to answer, or any experiences you've had in the comment box below!

What a noisy hamster can teach you about escaping

I’ve been looking after my sister’s hamster for the last week. While being a zippy little thing and quite cute, she also has a problem. All she's been focused on is escaping.

And I mean that’s all she wants to do. I’ve had hamsters before, and yeah, they’ve all chewed the bars and driven me mad in the middle of the night in their squeaky wheels in what looks like an effort to get the heck out of there as fast as they can. But nothing like this little thing.

And she’s so nearly there! She knows where to pull the bars to get the door open, she’s just missing it by one bar!

In between wanting to open the cage and let her out myself because the noise is so infuriating, I started thinking.

We all want to escape at times

Whether it’s a job you don’t like, a need for a holiday now! or simply needing to get out and get some space to breathe.

And sometimes, like the hamster, we just miss an opportunity, or we’re not poking in the right place.

Sometimes we get so close and it just doesn’t work out.

Here’s my thinking - if you want to escape bad enough, you probably could. I mean, the ways you could go about it might not be a choice that you'd choose to make, but there are probably options.

But sometimes, like the furry thing, we spend so much time trying to change things in a way that just doesn’t work. 

We can see it’s not working, but if we try hard enough, it’s going to work out, dammit. Right?

No.

At some point we need to change strategy.

Sometimes we need to change our tactics. Sometimes we need to take a risk and trust things will work out.

Exercise

So, if you’re struggling with needing to escape right now, get out a pen and paper and do a spider diagram of everything you can think of to change the situation/get out of the situation.

Include the ridiculous, include the downright impossible, because these might just hold or hint to the solution you’ve been looking for.

Include everything, and once you’ve got a wide range of options, only cross off what is physically impossible (including things you wish you could do, but can’t do right now because it would jeopardise your health, say for example taking on more hours when you’re at your limit).

Once you’ve done that, properly think on all of the ideas you have left. Do it with a friend, do it with a family member. Don’t cross off anything until you’re 120% sure it won’t work.

See what comes up for you, and you might just find that escape plan you’ve been looking for. 

I'd love to hear how you get on in the comments!

Decision making 101 - heart vs logic

When was the last time you made a decision for yourself without relying on others? For some, that might not even be an issue, for others, it’s a bit of a wake up call.

Giving decisions away

I have always relied on others to help me make decisions. I find big decisions scary, and have always asked people around me for their ten cents (or twenty, hell, maybe a dollar). I can recall plenty of times where I would have happily given the decision for someone else to make, just for it to be out of my hands, and for the decision to be made dammit. This was the case when deciding whether to quit a job, change courses and get my adorable house rabbits.

In the past, I’ve got myself so het up trying to make decisions that I’ve ended up feeling sick, and becoming truly obsessive. I’m like a girl with a one track mind (minus the filth).

If you spoke to me on any given day a  couple of years ago and asked me what my gut feeling was, it would have gone something like this:

‘I think I know what I should do, but what if a happens. What is b doesn’t happen. What about c? What do you think?’

‘I shouldn’t do it. There. I’ve made my decision’. A couple of minutes later ‘Nope, I’m going to do it, ahhhh I don’t know what to do’

Hence the need to rely on others in making decision.

But here’s the thing. When you start relying on others to help you make decisions, they’re not your decisions. This may seem obvious, and it is, but there are a  myriad of underlying factors that I didn’t realise while running to other people:

1. The only person that has your best interests at heart is you

It doesn’t matter how much someone loves you, or does for you, at the end of the day, the person who cares most about what happens to you is yourself. I’m not being mean, I’m telling you the truth. Hence the best person to make decisions in your life really is you.

2. The people you turn to may have their own motives

Hard to admit but sometimes true. And they might not even realise it.

3. Your self esteem

Take a minute to think about the internal messages you’re sending to yourself when you’re looking to other people to (help) make decisions for you. You’re telling yourself ‘I can’t do this on my own’, ‘I don’t trust myself to make a good decision’ and ‘Other people have more control over my life’. These aren’t good messages.

4. Dependency culture

If you get to the point where you can’t make a decision without phoning a friend (or using a lifeline - kudos if you got the reference), you become dependent on other people. Power within relationships becomes reinforced and that doesn’t make for a healthy relationship.

But we don’t think of them. We focus on how much better it is to have more people involved in the decision making process. Maybe there is even some relief, that if it doesn’t work out, you’re not the only one to blame (or so you may tell yourself).

I’m not advocating for all decisions to be made by yourself all the time.

I’m advocating for trust in yourself.

[Tweet " You know how to make good decisions for yourself."]

Exercise

If that sounds all good and well but you’ve got no idea how to go about it, try these on for size:

•   Set a timer-  there’s a great quote that says that every problem can be solved in 15 minutes. Next time you’re stuck, set a timer, apply the below and see where it gets you.

•   Make a decision and don’t go back on it, (if it feels right.) Sometimes our decisions aren’t logical. Sometimes, what may logistically work out, is the very thing we try to avoid. (For example, let’s say I want to make money. It may make logical sense to climb the corporate ladder in a job I don’t enjoy. That’s just not going to work for me, because I value my time a lot more than I value money). The heart usually wins over the mind.

•   Pros & Cons list - good old fashioned two column list works like a treat, just be sure to remember that some points are worth more than others, so tallying each side up and seeing which one is the highest doesn’t always work.

•   What makes you feel good? As long as you’re not exploiting others, this is often the best to go with.

[Tweet "Living a whole hearted and heart centred life starts with trusting yourself."]

You, and only you are the expert in your life.

You know what makes you happy, you know what makes you want to scream, and what sends you running for your duvet.

Friends & families are important and they do matter when it comes to the big decisions, but when you’re making a decision to make your life more [insert your own adjective here], you’re the only one that can make the decision and get it right.