Can We Stop Arguing Over the Word Authentic?

What is authentic? What is authenticity? How do I know if I’m being authentic? Is that person really authentic?

Ahh. So much noise.

And I’ve been here before. I remember being a part of my local feminist network as a student, being part of an activist movement as part of my career and being part of community groups.

Everyone starts wide-eyed and optimistic. We’d talk about things we could do to make the world a better place. We’d start with big dreams, ridiculously innovative ways of making them into reality, and hope.

Well, that was until the debates started. Debates over semantics, deliberating over terminology and turning in and fighting ourselves, instead of the bullshit world that put us all together in the same room in the first place.

One day, instead of talking about doing things, it became talking about talking.

And the important stuff? It became much less important. It got too academic, too removed from reality and for me? WAY too much bullshit.

The important stuff disappeared from the conversation entirely.

That’s exactly how I see so many conversations turning online. What is authentic? What’s the actual definition of vulnerability? And who has the right to be the voice on the subject? Shouldn’t words like authentic and passionate be banned because it’s so over-used?

It’s like we need to agree on a dictionary definition and find a general consensus like a herd of sheep before we can even start to move forward. Like we need to find an ‘approved’ list of terminology for conceptual ideas, and strategically use them (but not too much) at the right time and place for the right meaning.

I mean, come on.

Can we just, for once, instead of fighting and turning inwards, celebrate the fact that there is a space in the world, amid all of the corruption, injustice and suffering, where people are living according to their values, having discussions about those values and living an honest life? And trying to make the world a brighter place.

And a space where we’re even able to have the discussions in the first place?

Can we celebrate the fact that authenticity, honesty, vulnerability, courage, ALL of it is going to look different to everyone based on our life experiences, and appreciate that?

What is authentic for me, won’t be authentic for you. What’s real for me won’t be real for you. My story is going to look different from your story. My truths are different from your truths. There are going to be similarities, there are going to be sticking points, but there are always going to be differences.

So, can we just agree to each have our own definition? And celebrate the shit out of that?

Isn’t that the whole fucking point?

We’re going to be over analysing until we forget the important things. And the shit we’re talking about? It IS important.

So many times, movements, discussions and world changing conversations are completely tripped up over power struggles, a need to be right and nitpicky arguments about semantics. This isn’t just about the word authenticity, you know this as well as me. It’s about the language of any movement or any value system that tries to put good shit in the world.

Let’s put an end to this and call it quits and get down to the really important stuff.

Yes?

I'd love to hear your views and experiences in the comments below!

The Online Gurus You Don't Want To Listen To

I want to tackle the controversy of online gurus. You know, the people online who have millions of followers and tell you that you can be happy, if you just choose to be happy - and then wealth will follow! And you just need to do this one little thing, and you'll basically be Bill Gates! Yep, them.

It seems like everyone has become an expert. Especially online. I wrote a post earlier this week about the bullshit that lies behind how apparently 'easy' it is to make 6 figures online.

(It also seems like my tolerance for bullshit has lowered)

So, if you keep finding yourself falling in the trap and in with the hype (I know I sometimes do), or you're unsure of who to listen to, here's a quick reminder of the online gurus you don't want to listen to.

1. The people who say there is only one way of doing things

There are many ways, and there are no definitive right or wrong ways. Instead, look for things that feel right for you and follow them. Don't feel ashamed that you're doing something differently. Different is good!

2. The people who actively judge others or think they’re stupid for doing other things

A Brené Brown quote comes to mind when I think of this: “You cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviors.” If someone thinks you're stupid for doing something, screw them. They don't deserve to be in your life

3. People who just chat shit about money

Another saying comes to mind here: if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. And the people that only chat about money? Generally speaking, they're not the people who are going to teach you to build a purpose driven life/business that helps others. They're just about making money. And making money isn't a bad things - heck, we all need it. But it can't all just be about making all the money, all the time.

4. People who claim that overnight success is a thing, or it’s easy working for yourself

This really pisses me off. What you don't see behind these people who claim to have 'overnight success' is the years of hard work, and the blood, sweat and tears that have gone into this (or, perhaps cynically, the blood, sweat and tears of the people they've outsourced to). I don't know what it is about the online world and not showing the efforts it takes to get from A to B. Either way, this fairytale 'and then it just happened and I became rich and happily ever after' is a myth. Don't buy into it. It'll just make you feel shit.

5. People who make you feel bad. Period

Again, going back to the Brené Brown quote, shame isn't going to make someone change their behaviour. It can bring on self-destructive behaviours, or make you give your life savings (if you have them) to someone who bullies you into buying their product, making a gazillion promises they can't keep. Instead, work on setting good boundaries and remember that you're an amazing person and no one has the right to tell you otherwise.

6. People who make you feel shit about what you’ve done so far and suggest their way, is THE ONLY way

Girl. Seriously. What you've done so far is epic and you don't need those fools. Be proud of what you've done, go celebrate.

7. People who don’t have problems

This is a HUGE one for me. Everyone has problems. Rich people, poor people, those in-between. We all have problems. I get so angry when I look at people at the top-level of their niche, and they're flouncing around having this perfect life and everything is so wonderful and nothing bad ever happens. I get that not everyone wants to declare their problems/issues to the world, but damn we've all got them. Admitting you struggle makes you human. Showing the not so exciting and not so colourful parts of life makes us remember that we're all in this hot mess of human-ness together. Don't trust the people who tell you they have it all figured out. They don't.

HOWEVER

That's not to say that there aren't loads of people online you could learn from, or who could add massive value to your life.

I love blogs and podcasts. I love learning from other people. I love learning and listening to people who are full of passion, flaunt their human-ness and want to see other people fly.

The people worth listening to are:

People who hold similar values to yourself

People who don't shy away from their back story

People who own their struggles and share them

You know more than you think you do. You don't need someone else to tell you how to succeed. You don't need a guru to make your life better. Chances are, what you need is to start believing in yourself, to surround yourself with people who make you feel alive, and to take the pressure off yourself a bit.

You, my friend, are doing great.

9 Life lessons from my house bunnies

HOUSE BUNNIES WEB

Two years ago this month, I bought my two house bunnies, Harry and Gilby. Aside from providing eons of entertainment and cuteness, I think between them, they’ve modelled quite a few lessons about how to live a good - and very furry-  life, which I’m going to share below like a proud mother:

1. Everyone should binky with excitement. 

** If you’ve never seen a rabbit binky, you have to check it out here. (It will make your day, or at least make you smile). **

As humans, generally speaking, we don’t randomly binky, or burst with excitement. Whether this is because we’re reserved, or we’re worried about being judged, I don’t know. But what I do know is that life would be a hell of a lot more fulfilling if we did show our excitement, and let loose once in a while! So next time you feel excited, or feel the random need to dance around, just go for it.

2. A good nap does a lot of good

Whether it’s mid morning, after lunch or late evening, Harry and Gilby LOVE a nap. Harold tends to lie like he’s impersonating roadkill, and Gilbert likes to flop on his side in the most dramatic manner possible.

The lesson here? Monitor your energy, and be OK with the times where there’s nothing you’d rather do than get back in bed with the duvet over your head and take a quick snooze. Nothing wrong with it, in fact, it’s quite cute. And we all like to be cute sometimes, don’t lie.

3. Boundaries are a good thing

Chances are, you probably don’t need to corner off parts of your house to stop yourself from eating cables, laptop charger wires, bank statements, the book you’re reading… you get the picture. (If you do, I can totally help you with this). But what you do need is to have healthy boundaries around your health, your relationships, your work and your time, to be able to take care of you and make sure you treat yourself, and others treat you in a way you like. So go corner off the parts of your life that you want to protect and put up good barriers to keep them clear.

4. Stomp like your life depends on it

When a rabbit in the wild is in danger, they stomp to alert other rabbits of the danger. When you have a house rabbit (that has no concept of real danger), they stomp when you don’t feed them on time, when they don’t like their hay, when they want attention, and when they want you to come downstairs in the middle of the night and think someone’s breaking in. When you have two house rabbits, they do all of the above, and set each other off and copy each other - no one tells you this when you decide to take the little bundles of fluff home. Short lesson here: put your foot down to things you don’t like, stand up for yourself, and expect to be treated in a way that is respectful. If not, stomp it like you mean it.

5. Staring into space helps

Gilby and Harry seem to find staring at the wall a leisurely activity. Apart from the times where they both stare at a particular spot in the room and stomp (and I get worried that my house is haunted), they seem quite content just to daze off. Some of my best ideas have come to me when I’m absent mindedly day dreaming or carrying out day to day tasks. Heck, the idea behind That Hummingbird Life came to me in the shower one day. Lesson here? Life is about showing up, and giving yourself space to daydream. You never know what thoughts are going to show up.

6. Everyone needs a cuddle sometimes

Nothing more, nothing less. But try and make it someone you know.

7. Appreciate the little things in life 

A short story here. When Harry was a baby bunny, he lost half his body weight in four days, he nearly died but he didn’t, that’s all you need to know. The vet prescribed pineapple juice which we had to feed him through a syringe (to help his stomach) and I have never seen a happier or more excited living thing in the history of my life. And that was over pineapple juice! So while you’re planning big things and buying expensive things that you think are going to make you feel better about your life, don’t skip the small things. Chances are, when you look back over your life, it was the little things that will stick out the strongest and have the biggest impact on you.

8. Don't do what is expected of you

Despite everything you read about bunnies, Harold and Gilbert are totally un-fussed about carrots. I'd go as far as to say that Harold doesn't even like carrots. Not even a teeny bit. And people are always surprised when I tell them, or when they offer to look after them and assume that they just need to feed them carrots. In fact, carrots actually make them a bit ill. The moral of the story? Don't do things because you think you should or because you think it's expected of you. Do things because you want to, and because they make you feel good.

9. Things will always work out in the end

Whether they’re being binkying, napping, trying to get to cables, stomping, staring at the wall, being cuddled or drinking pineapple juice, all of the activities have one thing in common. Everything works out in the end. They wake up and trust that I’ll feed them. Which I do. They flip over and have a nap and trust that they’ll be rested. And they are. They vaguely clean themselves and trust that I’ll make a fuss over how cute they are. And I do. The lesson here? Everything will be alright, everything has a way of working out even if you can’t see it right now. And if everything’s feeling up the shitter right now, contact me and I’ll send you some pictures of the terrible twosome which I guarantee will make you go awww.

Shit storms & silver linings

This post is part of Mary Sabo's wonderful Misfortune Into Opportunity blog tour. Be sure to check out her blog tour for great stories made out of hope and heart. I like to find silver linings. I’d say I’m a pretty optimistic person and my smile tends to eat up (more than) half my face. When things go wrong I tend to find the positive, do what I’ve got to do, then move on.

But while I like to see the positive, I’m a firm believer that we we learn lessons when we’re ready. And that time is usually when we’re out of the shitstorm enough to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Sitting with the shit

Sometimes, bad situations just call for sitting with the shit, not forcing a rainbow/silver lining before you’re ready and just riding it out.

That’s definitely been the case for quite a few occasions in my life where things haven’t gone to plan. And during those times, they all felt shit. They made me want to curl up in a ball, get under my duvet and cry with sadness/frustration/anger.

And for the most part, I did.

The one where I got turned away from a job for being too passionate - Hah, this is a good one. I went for a job as a mental health support worker, and had missed getting it by a ridiculously small margin. When I asked for feedback, they eventually told me I was too passionate and that some might think it was ‘over the top’.

So what did I do? My boss at the time gave me her car keys and let me sit in her car while I cried my eyes out.

And a couple of days later, I realised that my passion is my strength, and if other people have a problem with it, we’re probably not suited.

The one where I ended up on my own in another country - to cut a very long story short, I was meant to be visiting a friend who had moved to Switzerland but it didn’t work out. I ended up making the decision to go anyway, and booked myself in a cheap hostel for a couple of days, despite being terrified and not in a great place myself. So I got on that plan, got to my hostel, found a cute little cafe, got a hot chocolate (which was gross) and felt really sorry for myself.

Looking back now, some time later, I can see that my trip to Geneva was a huge stepping stone in me starting to enjoy time alone. I actually really enjoyed having time to myself, and since that trip, I’ve made sure that alone-time is now a staple part of my week, in order to energise, process things and just breathe.

The one where I spent three weeks angry - I went to Ghana a couple of years ago, with a large non profit organisation on water project. We worked in a remote village, and spent the first couple of days working with the people of the village, asking them what they thought was the solution for the lack of clean water in their village. Even though none of them wanted it, the organisation made a decision to build a rain water harvesting system. And we were much less equipped with the tools to build it, than the local tradespeople. (That and we were told to go and convince the people in the village that they were wrong about spirits living in their river, beliefs that had been passed through generations).

I remember phoning my partner, ranting about the whole experience and sitting with how demoralised and let down I felt.

But I learned one of the biggest lessons of all: helping people is about working with them with the tools they already have, and building up their toolbox.

Three different experiences.

They all felt like shit at the time. And I sat with the shit, and when I was ready, the lesson appeared.

With time away from the experiences, I can see all of those memories from a different angle. I had the time away from them, I’ve got through them, and been changed by them. Looking at them from a place where I’ve learned valuable lessons, I can say they are worth going back and re-living the experiences again for.

Framing misfortune as opportunity is a great way to grow and learn about yourself, but it’s also something that often comes after the experience. Sometimes long after.

At the time, it’s often best to sit with the shit.

[Tweet "Instead of suppressing things and minimising bad experiences, acknowledge that you’re feeling shit, allow yourself to feel shit, and own that shit!"]

Look out for silver linings, but if you can’t find one, that’s ok. You’ll see that glimmer of opportunity when you least expected it, and these are sometimes the most valuable things to learn of all.

What silver linings have come out of your own shitstorms? I'd love to hear all about it in the comments!

The power of unexpected nice things

As someone who has been used to rushing about, being perpetually busy and placing high expectations on others, I've often found it hard to keep patience and keep frustration at bay with things being cancelled, delayed or people being late. I would get annoyed, my blood pressure would rise and I would quietly seethe. But, being the people pleaser that I tend to be, I would never say anything.

That was until I made a concerted effort to

Slow. The. Fuck. Down.

And my lens changed.

Instead of seeing cancelled appointments, and late friends as a nuisance and a bug bare, I now relish the time I didn't know I would have to myself.

Be it going to a cafe and taking time to watch the world go by*. Taking some time to appreciate something beautiful I never would have seen. Calling a friend who I always mean to call. This time can be used for self care, doing things you don't usually make time for and just giving you a space to breathe.

It's these unexpected nice things that are often the most vulnerable. They give us time to recuperate and reflect.

They keep us in the moment.

And these moments can be serendipitous. We may meet people we never would have. We may have thoughts that could lead to great plans and ideas. We may have a thought we may never have.

So, give your blood pressure a break when something doesn't go according to plan. Grab that stealer time and let yourself come to life.

* In fact, this is how this blog post came to be written, in a cafe with a stolen thirty minutes I didn't know I'd have.

What trimming my bush taught me about my mind garden

I would love a nice garden. A lovely garden with flowers of every colour, a nice patio set and some home-made lemonade, outside where I do my best work. The reality is that right now, my life is super busy, and even mowing the lawn (it’s not even a big lawn) only happens when we realise that the garden’s owning us, not the other way around.

After a particularly stressful day, I decided to pick up the shears and tackle the bushes that have been growing wildly for quite some time now. We have ivy growing around fencing, flower bushes cutting off the sunlight to others, and branches of bushes going from one side of the garden to the other. It’s pretty much an overgrown mess.

(There is a point to all this.)

Now, I’m no garden expert. I mean, I hacked at the bush like a trainee hairdresser having a go at her first mannequin.

I found plants I didn’t even know I had. I found strange yellow things growing in the ground that may have resembled potatoes quite some time ago. And I discovered a tree stump.

It got me thinking.

Overgrown gardens are a bit like our minds. (Bare with me, I’m not gonna get super woo-woo).

There are some things we don’t nourish, there are things that we neglect, and sometimes we just don’t take the time or the effort to look deeper at things.

As people who spend a lot of our lives on fast forward, always thinking of the next thing, and subsequently often feeling drained, I think it’s fair to say that at some point or another, we stop observing our thoughts and focus only on what we can see.

MIND GARDEN WEB

Sometimes we skim the surface, accept the first thing that comes to mind and don’t care to take another look. It may be a reaction to a situation, a feeling when we hear good or bad news, a spurge of emotion when things don’t go the way we plan.

Sometimes it’s the things that are hidden which are the most surprising and the most valuable.

Our hidden things could be memories we haven’t thought about in a long time. They could be life plans that we’re too scared to follow. Perhaps they’re dreams we’re too terrified to admit even to ourselves? Or areas of our lives that we want to change, but have no idea how.

But what do I do when I discover the hidden things? I hear you ask.

Here are a couple of things you could try:-

1. Sit it out

I think this is by far the hardest. When you’re not used to sitting down as you’re always on full pelt, sitting with uncomfortable emotions can be really tough. On the other hand though, it can be really beneficial. Sometimes it’s about giving yourself the time to sit on your sofa in the quiet and focussing on one thing. You’d be surprised at how your mind makes links, and how you can discover things about yourself you never knew.

2. Write it out

Or draw it out. Or doodle it out. Creative arts are a great therapy. There’s something about getting lost in your thoughts, getting lost in the flow that gives you head space like nothing else. Put on some nice music, create something that you’re not expecting to be a masterpiece and shake it out.

3. Talk it out

Sometimes there’s nothing like a good heart to heart over a good cup of hot chocolate. Or picking up the phone and pacing back and forth. Good friends help to keep us grounded, keep us feeling connected and provide a judgement-free space. Sometimes it’s about remembering that we’re not alone..

4. Time out

Our minds are strange things. There’s times when uncomfortable thoughts will pop out of nowhere. The trick is not to ignore them, but if you’re not in the right space, it’s about finding a way to contain them. Maybe make a plan to think about it later, maybe it’s something we’d like to work through with a professional, maybe it’s something we’d just rather not acknowledge. Have some time out and go back to it. The lens we see the world through changes every day.

One of the most liberating things to learn is that we control our thoughts. We can decide what we think. We can decide how much air time we give to what.

Think about that.