How I quit feeling guilty about relaxing

About five years ago, I read a quote that I haven't been able to get out of my head since. I can't remember who said it, it was possibly Marx but haven't been able to find it since. Basically it went something to the tune of this:

If you want to change the world, don't waste time on hobbies like watching TV. To make a difference, you must use all the minutes you have here on earth to make that impact.

There aren't many quotes that I read that have an immediate effect on them, but this was one of them.

Finally, I had found something that validated the intense guilt I felt at spending any time doing something not related to a cause or not helping someone else.

At the time, this was a good thing. 

I took it as inspiration, and took it to mean that I was on the right track. It solidified everything in my mind that was completely backwards when it came to me. It validated putting myself behind everything else, putting everything I had into the cause and not saving anything for me. It justified feeling awful about spending time on another activity (watching a film, reading a book which wasn't related to a world issue) and I didn't really have any hobbies.

Years later, after working through my issues with relaxing and taking time for me, I wish I hadn't read the fucking quote.

All it did was keep me between a rock and a hard place, and was an effective torture stick I could use on myself at anytime.

The reality of the situation was this: I would put 180% in, to get burnt out, binge watch TV and eat ice-cream for a couple of weeks feeling exhausted and get back out there.

And of course, I'd feel guilty.

[Tweet "Now, I embrace the word selfish. I know there are worlds apart between giving everything you have and saving some for yourself. And I know that that's okay."]

I took a long time to put the work in to change my frame of mind. And I don't think I ever would have got there had I not completely burnt out and become mentally ill.

I now actively push away from that quote I learned years ago, knowing that if I'm feeling good on a soul level, if I'm filling myself with joy, then the work I do is going to come from a better place, the interactions I have with people will be more positive and I'll be well.

I now have lots of things I love doing, which I do simply because they fill me up with joy.

I do things for fun's sake. Of course, I still care about changing things, but not in the same way. Not in the all-consuming, all-powerful, all harmful way that I did before.

Now, I hope my work sends out a beacon of hope to people who were right where I was. Feeling guilty about spending time on themselves, continually beating themselves up and not seeing the value in downtime.

It's a long process, but it's the best journey I've been on.

Now, I can treat myself with compassion, celebrate the shit out my small wins instead, and have a shitload of fun while putting good shit out into the world.

And, isn't that what it's all about?

Remember, it's not selfish to look after yourself, or do things purely because they make you happy.

What can you do today to stave off the guilt and actually start enjoying your downtime?

How I fell in love with commuting

For the better part of the last ten years, I have been getting coaches all over the country.  9 hour coach journeys to meet one of my closest friends, about a thousand 3 hour journeys to see Mr. Meg when we had a long distance relationship and a 2 hour daily commute when I was working as a community development worker.

Forced to relax

During this time, discussing my frequent coach journeys with colleagues and friends was met with loud groans and mainly one word. Why?!

Let’s be honest, preferred methods of transport don't typically involve stuffy buses, with infrequent air conditioning, strangers with smelly food and extremely limited option to escape.

But for someone who has great difficulty sitting still, it’s been another story completely.

Having to be quiet, to sit still with just myself and my thoughts/a book/music forced me to relax (and nap!). There’s something about countryside flying by, dazzling lights of hundreds or so cars and usually a beautiful sunset makes it difficult to be productive, to do some extra work and tackle an endless to do list.

When I was making much more frequent trips than I do now, I really relished the time to just think. Think about different things flying around in my head, not just about something I was planning, somewhere I had to be, something I should have done. But actually reflect, to see life in terms of the bigger picture, not just the bubble that so many of us feel contained by. In many ways, it felt like borrowed time.

Space to breathe

Not only that, it would really help to get my creative juices flowing, allow my mind to wander, and allow me to breathe - apart from the times when the bus sewerage failed, that’s another story.

Obviously, being forced to relax shouldn't really be the only reason or opportunity  to relax. But in a world of to do lists, e-mail alerts at two in the morning and a nagging voice in the back of our heads, this is a good first step in the art of relaxation.

So next time you’re faced with a couple of hours of what I'm going to refer as passive time, what are you going to do? Pack a book you've been looking forward to reading, make sure you've got headphones, and my number one tip, double check you've got something to make your neck nice and comfy when you (inevitably) doze off.

And for those of you who (are lucky enough to) commute, chances are, you don’t get paid to be working on a fast moving vehicle (think of the insurance!). And we both know that if you work while commuting, you  probably won’t exchange that for down time when you get home.

Things you can try

Instead, upload some podcasts about something completely work/day to day unrelated, pick up a book you keep picking up longingly on your way out the door, or listen to a playlist of songs that make you smile/feel alive, and breathe.

Enjoy being you, because you are amazing company.

So what about you? Are there occasions when you’re forced to relax? Or opportunities you could take for some borrowed time? I’d love to hear about them in the comments.

The power of unexpected nice things

As someone who has been used to rushing about, being perpetually busy and placing high expectations on others, I've often found it hard to keep patience and keep frustration at bay with things being cancelled, delayed or people being late. I would get annoyed, my blood pressure would rise and I would quietly seethe. But, being the people pleaser that I tend to be, I would never say anything.

That was until I made a concerted effort to

Slow. The. Fuck. Down.

And my lens changed.

Instead of seeing cancelled appointments, and late friends as a nuisance and a bug bare, I now relish the time I didn't know I would have to myself.

Be it going to a cafe and taking time to watch the world go by*. Taking some time to appreciate something beautiful I never would have seen. Calling a friend who I always mean to call. This time can be used for self care, doing things you don't usually make time for and just giving you a space to breathe.

It's these unexpected nice things that are often the most vulnerable. They give us time to recuperate and reflect.

They keep us in the moment.

And these moments can be serendipitous. We may meet people we never would have. We may have thoughts that could lead to great plans and ideas. We may have a thought we may never have.

So, give your blood pressure a break when something doesn't go according to plan. Grab that stealer time and let yourself come to life.

* In fact, this is how this blog post came to be written, in a cafe with a stolen thirty minutes I didn't know I'd have.