The power of unexpected nice things

As someone who has been used to rushing about, being perpetually busy and placing high expectations on others, I've often found it hard to keep patience and keep frustration at bay with things being cancelled, delayed or people being late. I would get annoyed, my blood pressure would rise and I would quietly seethe. But, being the people pleaser that I tend to be, I would never say anything.

That was until I made a concerted effort to

Slow. The. Fuck. Down.

And my lens changed.

Instead of seeing cancelled appointments, and late friends as a nuisance and a bug bare, I now relish the time I didn't know I would have to myself.

Be it going to a cafe and taking time to watch the world go by*. Taking some time to appreciate something beautiful I never would have seen. Calling a friend who I always mean to call. This time can be used for self care, doing things you don't usually make time for and just giving you a space to breathe.

It's these unexpected nice things that are often the most vulnerable. They give us time to recuperate and reflect.

They keep us in the moment.

And these moments can be serendipitous. We may meet people we never would have. We may have thoughts that could lead to great plans and ideas. We may have a thought we may never have.

So, give your blood pressure a break when something doesn't go according to plan. Grab that stealer time and let yourself come to life.

* In fact, this is how this blog post came to be written, in a cafe with a stolen thirty minutes I didn't know I'd have.

How discovering multipotentiality felt like coming home

*This post is part of Puttyfest - celebrating the 4 year anniversary of Puttylike* It’s been a year since I learned of the term multipotentiality.

Up until that point, I worried why I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do with my life.

I didn’t realise that having multiple interests and being good at a multitude of things was even a thing. I thought it was a sure sign that I couldn’t make my mind up as to what on earth I wanted to do.

Feeling like the odd one out

Every one around me seemed to be settled, and had chosen the path they wanted to follow.

But for me, it was another story. I had so many projects whirling around in my head, there were so many things I wanted to try my hand out, and I still can’t think of many things worse than doing the same thing, in the same town, with the same people for the next forty years.

On the outside my life looked good.

On the inside, I was trying to work out whether I would ever be able to stop doing a hundred and three things at once, and if I would ever be able to recover from being perpetually busy.

This was around the time that I was starting to burnout. I looked at my life and couldn’t find much that was right.

Even thought I had landed what I thought would be my dream job, and moved in with my now fiancé, I had no energy, no longer wanted to see friends, and felt completely and utterly lost.

I had aimed for everything society deems acceptable - a stable pay check, a stable relationship and a stable home.

Dreams of achieving all of my goals at once faded with the need to pay my bills and manage my job.

Was this it?

I remember looking at friends who were travelling with envy, and wondering what had led me to the path more travelled.

I felt like I had been given someone else’s life, which was less than the perfect fit.

My anxiety was increasing, I was beyond stressed at work and was going to the doctors every week with a new ailment.

(Just slow down, they said.)

It was around that time that I was signed off work.

In between sleeping, not feeling able to leave the house and googling how to relax, I came across lifestyle design:

The radical idea that you can design your life the way that suits you and fuck the rest.

I stumbled across Puttylike and it was like discovering another world.

MULTIPOTENITALITY WEB

A world where people merged the craziest of interests, were working to build a life that worked for them and were making a difference in their own way. 

Reading about Emilie Wapnick and her movement of Puttypeeps, I felt a deeper calling that my life was about so much more than trying to make ends meet and making everyone around me happy.

It was like finding the missing jigsaw piece to a jigsaw puzzle you didn’t even know it existed.

I finally began to explore the nuances of my personality which had laid dormant under rigid expectations of who I thought I should be.

It wasn’t an easy journey, but by surrounding myself by people who were taking life by the horns, I began to realise that I wasn’t born to do just one thing.

Accepting myself

I began to understand that having such a variety of interests was an asset, and I didn’t need to settle for anything less than setting my soul on fire .

I saw that it’s not just okay to be someone who hasn’t just got one thing, but it’s a gift.

I don’t know where I’d be today if I hadn’t stumbled on a simple word called multi potentiality, or if Emily hadn’t bravely put herself out there in the world like she did,

I would probably be back hiding in my shell, sure I was missing a party somewhere, but with no idea where to look.

I’d be on a different path, that’s for sure.

What trimming my bush taught me about my mind garden

I would love a nice garden. A lovely garden with flowers of every colour, a nice patio set and some home-made lemonade, outside where I do my best work. The reality is that right now, my life is super busy, and even mowing the lawn (it’s not even a big lawn) only happens when we realise that the garden’s owning us, not the other way around.

After a particularly stressful day, I decided to pick up the shears and tackle the bushes that have been growing wildly for quite some time now. We have ivy growing around fencing, flower bushes cutting off the sunlight to others, and branches of bushes going from one side of the garden to the other. It’s pretty much an overgrown mess.

(There is a point to all this.)

Now, I’m no garden expert. I mean, I hacked at the bush like a trainee hairdresser having a go at her first mannequin.

I found plants I didn’t even know I had. I found strange yellow things growing in the ground that may have resembled potatoes quite some time ago. And I discovered a tree stump.

It got me thinking.

Overgrown gardens are a bit like our minds. (Bare with me, I’m not gonna get super woo-woo).

There are some things we don’t nourish, there are things that we neglect, and sometimes we just don’t take the time or the effort to look deeper at things.

As people who spend a lot of our lives on fast forward, always thinking of the next thing, and subsequently often feeling drained, I think it’s fair to say that at some point or another, we stop observing our thoughts and focus only on what we can see.

MIND GARDEN WEB

Sometimes we skim the surface, accept the first thing that comes to mind and don’t care to take another look. It may be a reaction to a situation, a feeling when we hear good or bad news, a spurge of emotion when things don’t go the way we plan.

Sometimes it’s the things that are hidden which are the most surprising and the most valuable.

Our hidden things could be memories we haven’t thought about in a long time. They could be life plans that we’re too scared to follow. Perhaps they’re dreams we’re too terrified to admit even to ourselves? Or areas of our lives that we want to change, but have no idea how.

But what do I do when I discover the hidden things? I hear you ask.

Here are a couple of things you could try:-

1. Sit it out

I think this is by far the hardest. When you’re not used to sitting down as you’re always on full pelt, sitting with uncomfortable emotions can be really tough. On the other hand though, it can be really beneficial. Sometimes it’s about giving yourself the time to sit on your sofa in the quiet and focussing on one thing. You’d be surprised at how your mind makes links, and how you can discover things about yourself you never knew.

2. Write it out

Or draw it out. Or doodle it out. Creative arts are a great therapy. There’s something about getting lost in your thoughts, getting lost in the flow that gives you head space like nothing else. Put on some nice music, create something that you’re not expecting to be a masterpiece and shake it out.

3. Talk it out

Sometimes there’s nothing like a good heart to heart over a good cup of hot chocolate. Or picking up the phone and pacing back and forth. Good friends help to keep us grounded, keep us feeling connected and provide a judgement-free space. Sometimes it’s about remembering that we’re not alone..

4. Time out

Our minds are strange things. There’s times when uncomfortable thoughts will pop out of nowhere. The trick is not to ignore them, but if you’re not in the right space, it’s about finding a way to contain them. Maybe make a plan to think about it later, maybe it’s something we’d like to work through with a professional, maybe it’s something we’d just rather not acknowledge. Have some time out and go back to it. The lens we see the world through changes every day.

One of the most liberating things to learn is that we control our thoughts. We can decide what we think. We can decide how much air time we give to what.

Think about that.

A simple approach to innovation

Kayaking doesn’t seem like the hardest thing in the world. A bit of balance, a bit of arm muscle and some good size waves. It doesn’t seem like a tasking activity. That’s until you met me. Let me paint you an accurate picture.

It’s sunny, I’ve hit the beach with my family and I’m in the sea. I’m coughing up water, I’m on my fourth attempt to get on the damn boat and my stomach is starting to kill from being thrashed about in the waves.

Imagine Baywatch.

Now think the opposite.

So I get on the boat (does it count as a boat? Oh,I don’t know!) and get the paddles into position, and I’m off (kind of?). I can confirm that it’s a pretty sad sight. The only way I can describe it is to think of a grown woman with the enthusiasm of a wide-eyed toddler pedalling on the spot.

[Tweet "I am not moving. I'm digging the oar in"]

And I’m not moving.

The harder I try, the harder it gets.

It’s pretty funny by this point. I can barely see beyond my life jacket and I’m quite certain that I’ve got my yearly salt intake in just a couple of mouthfuls.

My Dad meanwhile appears to be on some great voyage, having done a marathon style escape in his kayak, and my partner is bobbing up and down looking vaguely bemused.

I’m wracking my brain trying to think of why it’s not working. I’m moving the oar, higher, lower, to the side a bit, everything short of sitting on it.

I’m thinking of all these new fanangled methods to move forward and none of them are working.

After giving up for a while and sunbathing in the kayak (much nicer ), I try again, this time without all of the effort and without trying to find new techniques.

And it works.

I’m gliding the oars in the water, sailing along, I’m moving, life is amazing, I’m going to be in the next Olympics… (not quite).

Then it came to me.

What I had succeeded in doing while flailing around, was complicating the process to the point that I was stuck and out of ideas.

And Isn’t this what we all do at some point or another?

In an attempt to be original and innovative, we can overlook the simple.

We can complicate things to the point that we don’t know up from down. We get frustrated, we start to doubt ourselves and we wonder why things aren’t slotting into space.

It’s not always about doing something in a way that it’s not been done before.

What seems easy and obvious to us, would never occur to a lot of people.

And a lot of the time, the most obvious way of doing something isn't done well, or done at all, because people are trying to be too clever.

So, whatever you're stuck on right now, think about what the most obvious solution would be. Don't just think of innovation and trying new things.

And try it.

You never know where it might get you.

5 rules to start breaking, right now

We’re our own worst enemies. We push ourselves harder and harder. We expect to get three times the work done in a third of the time. Then we berate ourselves when our immune systems start failing us and when we’re not achieving what we wanted to.

Why?

Because we think we’re super-human? Probably.

The more likely culprit? The self-imposed rules we’ve nurtured over the years.

We all have our own code of ethics, whether we’re consciously aware of them or not. We have a set of expectations that we strive to live up to, and base our success from.

Rules, rules, rules

They’re influenced by past experiences, by people close to us, and from things we aspire to be.

From being in our nappies to the time we spend at school, we’re used to rules. Rules set for us, and rules we learn and adopt.

Do this, don’t do that. If you do that, you’re this, if you don’t do this, you’re that.

It’s a minefield.

I mean, yes they do serve a purpose. They provide boundaries; a safety net of sorts.

 But there’s a problem with the rules. If we’re only ever going to stay between them, we’ll never know what it is to be more than the rules.

If we stay within the prisons we create for ourselves, we’ll never know what it’s like to fly.

So let’s take these rules, bend the rules, adjust the rules until there are no rules except the ones that serve us.

I’m going to run through what I think are the most common rules that us busy folk have adopted and fuck shit up.

Rule Number One - DO NOT GIVE UP

I’m going to paraphrase an amazing metaphor I read on a blog I can’t recall for this one, because it’s helped me so many times (if I find the blog, I promise to link back to it when I remember!)

If you started walking across a bridge, and you got half way across and notice it’s on fire, would you keep walking?

Hell no.

You wouldn’t do it to prove a point. You just wouldn’t.

So why do we live life this way? We can’t predict what a certain journey is going to look like. Sometimes we get halfway there and know it’s not right for us.

That doesn’t mean we should persevere regardless.

It’s about pausing for reflection, looking at the personal impact the situation’s going to have on us if we get scorched, look at the options and carve a new path.

Rule Number Two - PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT

Nothing’s perfect.

That’s the whole fucking point!

If things were perfect we’d be bored and restless. We’re not meant to be perfect. If you hate something, doing it again and again probably isn’t going to make you like it.

It’s probably going to make you want to walk through fire. With no clothes on.

 Rule Number Three - PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST IS SELFISH

This is something I think we’ll all had conditioned into us, some more than others. When I was in the deep dark depths of burnout, continual busy-ness, and had no idea whatsoever what self care was, someone I really respected and admired for successes in a related field to mine told me something I won’t forget: If I don’t look after myself, how can I help other people?

While I’ve changed my stance a bit now, this really helped me and is great if you’re stuck in the midst of it.

Rule Number Four - DON'T SAY NO

This one coincides with a heap of other rules. Don’t hurt other people’s feelings. Don’t make people feel like they’re burdening you. Don’t be a bad person.

We often forget that we have every right to say no. We have a choice.

There’s a lot of buzz created online about hell yes’ and hell no’s. The idea is that if it’s not one or the other, then don’t do it.

It’s about learning to say no, learning how to stick up for ourselves, and knowing that when we say yes and don’t mean it, it sucks our energy up bit by bit, until we have minus nothing left for ourselves.

 Rule Number Five - I CAN ONLY RELAX WHEN I DESERVE IT

And that’s after I’ve baked the kids cakes to go to school, been to work, finished my project plans while cooking dinner, booked a doctor’s appointment, run a marathon etc etc.

No - this is completely wrong. Relaxation isn’t part of a brownie point reward system. It’s something that’s integral to being able to function.

I’m sure you can think of rules pertinent to your own life. Turn them on their head and see what happens.

[Tweet "Here’s to not living between the lines and living a life that suits you, not anyone else."]

Are you living with your eyes shut?

So many of us are walking through lives with our eyes shut. Tasks become automated, we can’t remember eating our breakfast though we can vaguely remember what we ate and everything starts to become a to-do list item.

Check. Cross Off. Leave for another day.

We end the day thinking about tomorrow. We start the next day already feeling behind.

I know I’ve spent days of my life with my eyes shut. I haven’t seen anyone I’ve passed. I’ve been so involved in creating the future that I’ve forgotten that the present is a work in progress.

We see everything on macro-level. We barely spend any time thinking about the bigger picture.

It’s said that the attention is in the detail. I care to disagree.

Stuck

When we get bogged down in the details, we often lose the purpose that led us there in the first place.

We get stuck in routines. We start to make excuses. We start to justify choices that neither serve us or make us happy.

It’s like the age old fear of waking up one day, wondering who took over your life and how you got there.

I know I don’t want that.I want to look back and think about the risks I took. I want to remember the bold moves I made. I want to reminisce and think, yeah, that was me.

So I want to take a stand right now for living with our eyes wide open. Let’s bask in the boring, let’s make joyful the things we do on autopilot, and let’s make decisions that pry open our vision and make us feel alive.

Go dance in the rain, get off the bus at the wrong stop, cancel all plans for the weekend and spend time with nature.

Go to a stranger’s wedding, get a tattoo, get to bed early and wake up for the sunrise.

Go make a thank you card for a friend, just because, go write out those crazy ideas for your solar panel range of dog coats, go take a cold shower.

[Tweet "Go do something you’ve been talking to people about wanting to do all your life."]

It’s only when we shake shit up that we start to open our eyes.

A few words about changing the world

Let me take you back four years. I’m a student. I’ve discovered my loud and powerful voice. I’ve discovered positive outlets for all of the injustices I had spent my teenage years trying to change.

I’m living, breathing, eating and sleeping my passions (largely tackling violence against women and poverty. Bedtime reading anyone?).

I’ve covered my room with related leaflets, postcards, posters, everything I read, everything I listen to, all of the activities I do, heck, all of the essays I write for university all link back to violence against women.

SHIT VS RAINBOWS WEB

If I watch something on TV, it has to be related to social justice, if I go see a band, it’s not only for their music, but because of their ties to a wider social justice issue.

I spend hours reading the news, and hours beating myself up because I can’t effect the change I wanted to.

I think you’ve got the picture.

I felt that the passion was my identity. It became me.

And it really wore me down. I was constantly surrounding myself with bad news. I took no time to nourish or nurture myself.

I was burning out, and I was burning out fast. I was giving everything to the cause and nothing for myself. Not only was it not sustainable, it wasn’t desirable.

I was living a guilty existence. Through desiring change so much, I had unwittingly placed the world on my shoulders.

When I went to bed, I would think of all the suffering around the world, all of the problems much bigger than myself, all of the issues around the world I had no answers for, and feel so small. So powerless.

I would look at all I had achieved, which was a lot, and I would see it as a tiny drop in the ocean. It was a tiny drop in the ocean, but my perspective was way off.

I wouldn’t see the joy I brought to the world, I wouldn’t see the people I had helped. I was looking through the world and cutting out everything I had done.

I was seeing the shit without seeing the rainbows.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun along the way. I learned to find my voice, I met amazing people,I learned to develop strong communities, I learned to campaign.

But while a lot of the things I did made me feel alive, they also made me feel remarkably small. The value that I held for myself as a person was overshadowed by the things I couldn’t achieve.

I couldn’t separate myself away from the cause. It had become me. Where did I begin and where did my passions end?

Where was the time for me?

It’s only been within the last two years that my perspective has started to shift.

It doesn’t mean that I’ve ceased caring.

Now I can see the bigger picture. Now I value myself enough to look after myself while trying to change things.

I can see that the only way I’m going to change things in a positive way, is if I start small, I do it while doing things I love, and I look after myself.

I have always grown up with the desire to change the world. I’ve always been conscious of the time I have here and wanting to leave a legacy. I don’t think that will ever change.

But I know, that as I grow and travel through life, my definition of changing the world has changed, it will change, and will be ever evolving.

Baby-28

And I wouldn’t have it any other way. If you like what you just read, sign up to my Weekly Shindig & Sunday Self-Care Check-Ins for exclusive posts, ideas and tips (and maybe a free worksheet every now and then!)

Is trying to relax stressing you out?

Picture the scene.

It's been a hard few weeks. You just want to relax. Everyone has seemed to want something from you, the bags under your eyes look bigger than your credit card bills, you yawn more than you talk and you can't remember then last time your brain just shut up.

So you've taken an afternoon away from everything. Or an hour. Whatever you can spare. And you're going to do something nice.

It might be picking up the book that's been on your bed side table for the last couple of months, catching up on a TV series, going out for a walk, meeting up with a friend or trying a new recipe.

You're all set. You've been looking for forward to this.

When you’ve really struggled, you’ve had this to fall back on.

Now the time has come.

And you are STRESSED.

You can't pick what to do. The minutes are ticking by. You can't make a decision. The endless options of nice things to do has turned into a quasi to do list and you haven't got a clue where to start.

Sound familiar?

I’ve been there. Multiple times. It’s similar to when you think of something to write and you get it all sorted in your head -  the moment you hit that blank page, it was as if what you had in mind never existed.

So here are a some things you can do if you’re faced with relaxation paralysis:

1. Do the first thing that comes to your head

Pick one and commit. It sounds a lot simpler than it is, but remember why you set aside this time for yourself. It’s not about doing everything at once, although that's how our minds often default.

2. Pick one and schedule the others

Similar to the first one, pick the one that appeals to you most in the moment, but first take five minutes to schedule in your other plans. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, if it’s not in the schedule then it doesn’t exist? While that’s not completely true, as people who have a tendency to put self care and relaxation on the back burner, sometimes we do need that extra push to make sure we take the time.

3. Do nothing

Aka the beautiful Italian phrase dolce far niente; the beauty of doing nothing. Sometimes it’s about not having a plan, giving your mind some space and enjoying being in the present. You never know what ideas will surface.

And remember, if nothing else, all of our experiences are learning curves. You may have felt like your time was a waste, felt like you could have done something else, but your mind and body appreciate the break.

Have you had a similar experience? I’d love to hear about it  and what you did to overcome it in the comments below!

Believe in yourself, not just other people

I’ve written before on my blog about how inspired I get by big adventures and taking risks. You know what it’s like. You’re watching your favourite team on a Saturday night (or like me, watching Nashville) and you’re rooting for them to score (or get back together). You’re watching your friend take make a big decision and rooting for them, regardless of the outcome. You’re watching someone (anyone) taking a big risk and your heart is pounding, you’re holding your breath, hoping for the best outcome.

You’re aching for them, and sometimes it’s difficult to watch, but you can’t tear your eyes away. What’s so strange is the emotional investment we have in others (often strangers), in comparison to ourselves.

The sense of belief, the sense that everything will work out no matter what the outcome, the sense that when your best friend puts her heart on the line and to quote Brene Brown, dares greatly, you will be fucking proud of her no matter what happens.

What we’re not thinking about, when we’re watching our favourite player score (I don’t know what’s with the sports metaphors) is what’s going through their head.

The adrenaline, the fear of failure, the desperation to achieve, the way they feel alive, the way they’re worrying about letting themselves, and other people down.

We’re watching them, like they could fly. We’re hoping for them, we’re there with them.

Yet when we take risks ourselves, we mainly tend to focus on the what ifs; what if we fail, what if we don’t succeed, what if we regret it.

How often do we pause to think of what if we do so well that we fly?

Recently I’ve got (too) into watching vine compilations on YouTube and I think I’ve found my favourite which sums up what I’m trying to say perfectly.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Wvg-U302D4

Check out the dog (in a life jacket). She begins cautiously, and look how, with a little encouragement, she spreads her little doggy paws and just fucking goes for it.

And all the way through (all of about 6 seconds), we are rooting for her.

We’re willing her to take the risk,

And she does.

We feel better. We smile.

Maybe this is just me, but I feel so proud of that little corgi, and I find it bizarrely inspiring.

So next time you’re wondering whether or not to take that risk, think of the corgi. Think of how you could fly.

And think of how you’ll be happy with yourself for doing it, even if you don’t sprout wings.

Are we 'catfishing' ourselves?

I’ve recently got really into the TV programme Catfish. I don’t know whether it’s just a human interest thing, or because me and my partner met online ten years ago, but I’m a bit addicted. There’s just something about watching people at their most vulnerable, put themselves out there and pick themselves back up and start a new journey.

(The premise for any one who hasn’t seen it - which I’m going to assume is quite a few people - is that two people meet online, start a relationship and one of them ultimately wants to find out if the other person is who they say they are. Long story short, they go to meet the person, find out it’s not who they thought it was - typically an overweight version or a stolen profile picture  - and try to work out whether they want further contact with them).

Anyway, it’s got me thinking about perception; how we perceive ourselves, how we project ourselves to other people, and how we recognise ourselves.

I wonder how many of us really take the time to recognise who we are today. I’m sure if I was starting a new relationship online, the person who I present myself as would be an amalgamation of who I am right now, the best bits of who I’ve been in the past, and elements of the person I’d like to be.

I’m wondering, if we were meeting ourselves, would we even recognise ourselves? Or are we ‘catfish’ing ourselves?

Would we want to see the truth, or would we be more comfortable with the socially accepted lens?

There’s something really courageous about looking at who we are, what our life is like, right now, and owning it.

For example. I like to project a version of myself to others who is really confident, outgoing and sociable. The truth right now in this moment?

I don’t want to leave the house, and I want to be on my own, so I get the time to hibernate, rejuvenate and prevent myself from burning out.

And that is really hard to admit.

I don’t particularly feel like showering, right now as I’m writing this, I’d love to leave the house and go sit in a coffee shop, but I don’t feel strong enough.

For me, it’s about getting to the stage where I’m okay with that, and today I am.

And I think it’s only from a place of truth and vulnerability that we can make the changes we want in our lives. It’s about acknowledging the shit and not downplaying the fucking amazing things about ourselves.

Right now, I’m recognising my good points , playing to my strengths and looking to the future to see how I can shine brighter.

What about you?

[Tweet "Who do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you see a version of yourself that you’d love to return to? Do you see the potential for who you could be?"]

Or do you meet yourself where you’re at in this moment?

Because right now we only have this moment. That’s all we’re guaranteed.

Are you catfishing yourself? I'd love to hear about it in the comments!

Radical Honesty and the Shower Song Strategy

I’m a big fan of radical honesty and sincerity. I’m a fan of putting my truths out there for the world to see and not holding back. I don’t want to come across as some kind of douche expert that pretends they have their shit together and lectures other people form their pedestal of great height. Because I’m not.

That’s why today I want to share something silly and personal which I think some of you might find helpful.

I’ve not been shy about my own experiences of burnout. Burnout is a cycle, and it’s about interrupting the cycle and re-directing it. As passionate people who want to do everything right now, because we want to help people dammit, burnout is probably going to feature in our lives for a long time.

And it’s about how much of a soap box we give the bad bits, and how much of a lens we lend to the good parts that encourage us to take care of ourselves.

Anyway, I digress.

Radical honesty

I still get days where getting out of bed and into the shower is near IMPOSSIBLE. As a general rule, I find if I have to be somewhere with a tight deadline, my body goes into auto-pilot and just does it. But when I don’t, or where I have any deal of flexibility, it gets a lot harder.

It also depends on what stage of burnout I’m in. If I have very little energy, then the situation gets worse, if I’m in the heights of ideas mode, then I tend to have some great ideas in the shower.

It’s not even that I hate having a shower, it’s just another thing that I have to do that takes more energy. It’s the precursor to feeling like I have to do something (ie. leave the house) that I want to put off as long as possible.

This got me thinking. There must be something I can do about it. Even if it’s a silly solution.

RADICAL HONESTY WEB

And then it came to me. (I’m not going to pretend this was all deliberate and thought through. Like most things in life, it was quite accidental. But brilliant).

Certain music makes me happy, and also gets my adrenaline going and reminds me that I’m an actual person who has stuff to do, and wants to make the world a better place. So I started off by putting music I like on while in the shower. Yeah, it worked, but I just enjoyed the music too much and wouldn’t get out.

It wasn’t much of a solution until I found the perfect mix of two songs. A song that made me ridiculously happy*, and a song that I just had to get out of the shower to turn it off**. Not because it triggered anything, or made me feel depressed or reminded me of any bad memories. It’s just fucking annoying.

(I didn’t even aim to create it that way. The annoying song managed to creep up on one of my favourite playlists.)

A challenge

So, unintentionally it became a bit of a challenge.

If I could shower by the end of the first song, then I could have a bit of a boogie in the shower and avoid the annoying song. Win win. If I was too long, I had to put up with that song. Lose.

Bam!

It’s something simple, but it works. It’s an exercise that I give to my clients to get over the hurdle, and it works.

You don’t need to use the two songs together. For some people, having a song that really pisses them off after goes a step too far and puts them in a bad mood. So perhaps have a playlist with just the one song on it, and make it your goal to have showered by the end of the song. And don’t pick a song that’s too short, and makes you rush - I won’t be held responsible for slips in the bath/shower.

Give it a try, see if it works for you. It could be just the thing you need to kick your day into action.

If you’re in a sharing mood, I’d love to hear what songs make you happy and motivate you in the comments. And if you do use the second song, I’d love to hear what irritates the crap out of you. I could do with mixing my songs up a bit!

*My happy song is Fforest by Australian band Castlecomer. The lead singer is a guy who went to my primary school who I had a huge crush on (aged 9) and I came across his band about a year ago. I would message him and tell him I love his music but “One of your tracks is my happy song and I listen to it every day when I’m naked in the shower” would be a bit awkward. It may even sound a tad perverted.

** The winner of the song that drives me fucking crazy is Kenny Chesney with his awfully titled song She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy. Kenny, she really doesn’t. Misread signals and all that.

How to create your own escape plan

I should first start with this. I love plans. I am a complete nerd. I love planning. I hardly ever stick to them, but there’s something about the sense of control, the reduction of anxiety, and the idea of dreams becoming reality that I find really appealing. Not quite Ryan Gosling appealing though. I’ll leave that for my X rated blog that is not appropriate to share here (joke, I’m way to busy for that.)

I love the big plans, the no-fucking-way plans, the big ass plans that make the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

Nothing inspires me more than hearing stories of people who decide they want to change things up so make a plan to pack their things, travel the world or go move to another country and design a life that follows their passions.

But I also LOVE the small plans. The maybe plans, the just incase plans, the they-look-comforting-on-my-flower-post-it-note-plans.

As passionate people, I think it’s fair to say we get in all kinds of sticky situations. Through genuinely wanting to help other people, and wanting to use our strengths and skills for good, we end up in circumstances we don’t want to be in. We tend to say yes. A lot. It’s as if the word wants to burst out of our mouths before we’ve even been asked something.

I mean, we’ve all been there - roped into ‘helping’ someone we vaguely know (read: doing all the work for a project that we thought would take ten minutes), trying to get away with checking our watches to find a way out of a meeting, sitting with a friend we haven’t seen in a while - and now we remember why - and trying to find an excuse to leave but our imagination seems to have flown out of the window.

Or maybe we’re just somewhere we really don’t want to be, but we can’t find a way out. This is especially pertinent to being in the depths of burnout when we're forced to stop, or feel completely overwhelmed. Our anxiety levels can increase, the simplest of tasks can feel impossible and our confidence and self esteem can dip.

Now, learning to say no is another completely different topic so I'll leave that for a separate post. What I want to talk about here is what we can do to keep a strong sense of who we are and what we want, in moments we wish we could escape.

And that's where the small plans come in. A list of 4 things that you can do when things get too much and you want out. Like, right now.

Everyone is going to have different escape plans, so I'll share mine to give you an idea.

1. The bathroom breathing plan

This is one of my favourites. If you're stuck somewhere, let's say work for example and you start feeling overwhelmed and get the 'must leave now' urge, the bathroom could well be your best friend. When fight or flight kicks in, I can calmly walk to the bathroom, lock myself in a stall and BREATHE. Makes all the difference.

2.  The deadline plan

I often use this when I'm nervous or my anxieties are playing up. I set myself an ideal time that I would like to finish the activity/conversation/whatever it is that I'm worrying about. Then I half it. Now here is the important part - tell the person/people your second, shorter deadline at the earliest possible moment. Set the expectation and boundaries at the earliest possibility and it takes a lot of  the stress away. You might even find that you stay longer than you thought because you start to enjoy yourself now you're not under so much pressure and have the option to escape.

ESCAPE PLAN WEB

3. The treat plan

Sometimes, and this pains me to say it, there are very little ways out. Sometimes, things just have to be done. For those times, plan yourself a treat for after. Give yourself something to really look forward to. It could be having a nice coffee after, buying a magazine, having a long soak in the bath or something else that makes you feel good. It's about acknowledging you got through it when you thought you couldn't, and being proud of yourself.

4. The honest plan

Honesty is sometimes the best policy. Making people aware of your feelings can often work out in your best interest. Generally people are so wrapped up in themselves that they don't take much time to think of anything else. What you think must be blindingly obvious to them (your nerves, anxiety, panic), more likely than not goes completely over their heads. By making people aware of how you're feeling - if you feel able to - you might be surprised by how supportive they are, and how much release this gives you. (But perhaps don't tell your friend she is a complete fun-sucker, it is always nice to treat people how you like to be treated after all).

So next time you feel stuck somewhere you don't want to be, or everything gets too much, get this baby out of your toolbox and take her for a spin.

What are your escape plans? I'd love to hear about them in the comments!

Fooling yourself into taking time out

I have grown up with a strong sense of selflessness and caring for others. As I’ve written about before, in the past, I've really struggled with doing my best, putting healthy boundaries around my work and my personal life, and taking on too much. Sometimes this has manifested in the form of illness (both physical and mental), resentment, confusion and huge disappointment.

However one thing has stayed pretty stable during these periods. I am a creative person with a need to create, but I don’t make time to let myself create.

There are countless numbers of times where I’ve sat at my desk in a spare ten minutes, and thought about the novels I one day want to write. There are times when I’ve built myself up to getting really excited at work about my latest project, but by the time I get home, I’ve got another to do list on the go, and frankly not enough energy or time to do things for myself.

That got me thinking. What can we do, - while quietening our guilt/busybee complex - that is ultimately going to work for ourselves?

In other words, how can we trick ourselves into slowing down and having valuable down time, while not having to fight off feelings of guilt and thinking of the billion and one things that we need to do.

Temporary Solution: do things that we love to do and find relaxing, and blend them with our need to serve others.

Before I start really exploring this, I want to just make an aside. We’re talking about first steps here - in no way am I saying that we should only be creative for the sake of other people’s happiness.

We should make art because art matters. We should express ourselves because we have a human need to express ourselves, and for creativity’s sake.

But, when we’re busy humming around, taking care of everyone but ourselves and don’t have a moment spare, and we're not in a place where we are able to recognise our own needs, this can be a great start.

So let’s take an example  - I enjoy making jewellery. I enjoy putting different colours and textures together, using my own unique tastes to create bold jewellery that has personal meaning.

But, I rarely make jewellery for myself.

OK, maybe every six months or so, I might get out my wires, beads and cutters and sit in front of the TV and make myself a couple of pairs, but that is extremely rare.

When I do make the time and the space to create, it’s been to make gifts for other people. That’s not good and I’m really not advocating for people to begin and continue their creative projects for the sake of others, but if we’re not going to be able to get creativity into our life in other ways, then perhaps this is a temporary solution.

FOOLING YOURSEL WEB

Going back to my jewellery making - if I allow myself the space and time for a couple of evenings to make some jewellery, say, to cheer up my best friend who is feeling down,   I’ve metaphorically (of course) killed two birds with one stone. I’ve met my need to help others, and I’ve also met my typically not-so-recognised need of relaxing and taking some time out.

If we can approach creating for others as a relaxing activity - I’m not talking about deciding to crochet your neighbour a  five foot by 3 foot granny square blanket for the next day! I'm talking about random act of kindness that we can do at our own pace, where we can take time out of our busy days and really reap the benefits of being creative and relaxing.

I know, I know, I'm the first to complain when people suggest the first step of self care is giving to others. But let's work with what we know as a spring board and bounce from that. The end goal is finding time in our hectic lives to look after ourselves, and if tricking ourselves for now is the only thing that's going to do it, I say, give it a shot!

As always, I'd love to hear from you about the ways you find to be creative in your lives. Does this work for you? What silences those voices for you, so that you can take care of yourself?