11 Fun Ways to Build Your Self Confidence That You Won't Find In Cosmo

I've had quite a few confidence shattering experiences over the last five years. And there's a notable difference between how I presented myself five years ago than now. Somewhere along the way though , I learned that it's possible to love myself, that I'm much more introverted than I thought I was and that when you compare yourself to someone you once were, you're always going to see it with rose-tinted glasses.

I've been in soul sucking jobs, had managers that were vicious bullies, fallen out with friends, had people my life who made me feel like shit and other various experiences that I won't detail here because no matter how honest and vulnerably you share your life online, you have to have boundaries and draw a line in the sand somewhere.

These are tips you probably aren't going to read in Cosmo. And I'm guessing you're not a huge Cosmo addict because my site is pretty much as far away as you can get from it.

I don't write lists of 5 ways you can love yourself TODAY because I believe they're bullshit as much as I believe the sun is in the sky.

Instead these are small exercises and tiny and big actions you can take, that over a period of time and working on yourself, are going to help you build your confidence.

So if your confidence has been chipped, if you don't stand as tall as you once did, or if you never stood tall to begin with, I hope these can be valuable things you can do so you can greet the world in the eyes, to quote Macklemore, 'stare the world into its face' and claim your space in the world without apology.

1. Dress for the person you want to be

The idea of dressing for the job you want has been thrown around a lot lately. It's one of those pseudo empowerment, techniques that probably helps someone. While I think that leaves a lot to be desired, the idea of dressing for the person you want to be is a much better alternative.

I think we can all get into a habit with how we dress. Wearing stuff that is okay but doesn't really reflect who we are. Keeping to the same safe shapes, the same safe colours and not fully embracing who we are.

And I think that's especially true if you have your own issues around your body image. For me, I've put off buying clothes I LOVE for a long time, because I'm 'plus size'. I kept telling myself the quirky and beautiful clothes I want are attainable when I've lost the weight. But here's the thing. I've had an up and down relationship with my body for all of my life. I'm not suddenly going to drop all the weight, and even if I did, I deserve to have clothes I love NOW. In my head, the person I want to be dresses how I used to when I was thinner. Lots of colour, lots of accessories, and outrageous colour and pattern combinations. And I'm working to embrace that. When me and Mr. Meg go on our round the world adventure, we're going to need maximum versatility and clothes we love. I'm only taking a 45 litre rucksack, so the clothes I take, I need to love. Instead of buying loads of plain vests and leggings, I'm going to be rocking this killer dungaree flared skirt, this beautiful polka dot tea dress and glamming it up with one of these *gorgeous* vintage evening dresses (whenever I can decide on the print!)

How can you dress to be the person you want to be? Take a bit of time - what does she look like? Browse Pinterest, indulge yourself in finding clothes that reflect who you are as a person.

2. Look strangers in the eye

This can be pretty fucking terrifying. So many of us get hung up on worrying what other people think of us, but the truth is that most people are so concerned about themselves and having that same inner dialogue in their own head that they're probably not wondering why you bought that dress or how your stomach sticks out in your jeans.

And here's the fun bit. When you start to look people in the eye, you'll realise something. It's not as scary as you think. It doesn't kill you, you get a much better view. You get to see so much more than the pavement and pigeon shit.

And that has to be worth it in itself.

3. Go somewhere where no one recognises you

There's something so liberating about being somewhere that no one recognises you. There's a sense of freedom, that you probably won't see people you know, and that you probably won't see any of these people ever again. You can try out personas, walk with some serious swagger, dance and sing out loud to your favourite music, give people the eye and greet the world in the face. Of course you do this anywhere, but sometimes it helps to start in places completely familiar and build yourself up.

I love the George Bernard Shaw quote: "Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself."

Explore who you can be. And have fun with it!

4. Take REALLY bad 'selfies'

My inside cringes at the word selfies, but there we go.

If you struggle with low self confidence, chances are you aren't best friends with the camera either.

I've got periods of my life where I have no pictures of myself. There are whole chunks of my life that remain visually undocumented because I hated the way I looked so much. And that's really sad. Because I didn't have any less of a story, and I was still living my life. I just hated myself to the point that I didn't think my face was worth documenting.

While you might never want to get to the stage where you're taking pictures of yourself and updating your profile picture every day, I think it's definitely worth starting to take photos of yourself and looking at them. We can become so disconnected with what we see in the mirror. The more you start to connect with your reflection, the greater chance of you finding things you love about your face.

I can say with joy that I love my eyes, my nose ring really makes me smile and I have a pretty hilariously big smile. And I can also tell you the things I don't like - the fat around my neck, my less than clear skin and my lack of dimples. But you know what? The things I love outweigh those negatives every day.

So start taking photos. Start with the ones that are so bad that they make you laugh. And somewhere along the way, I bet you'll start to find things you love too.

5. Start a Comfort Zone List

This is absolutely inspired by Anabel Roque Rodríguez and her own challenge that she shares on Couragemakers. Anabel and her friend both wanted to extend their comfort zones, so they came up with an amazing project to help them do it.

Every week, they would mail each other a couple of ways they were each going to challenge themselves to come out of their comfort zone. Sometimes it would be something as seemingly simple as talk to a stranger.

Why not start your own Comfort Zone List? By doing small actions every week and deliberately focusing on your comfort zone and how you're feeling, you're going to find yourself really proud of what you can achieve which will start to build your confidence in no time.

11 Fun Ways To Increase Your Self Confidence You Won't Find in Cosmo

6. Do something for you that is completely unrelated to your work or any goal

We're so busy that sometimes it can be really hard to justify doing things just for the fun of it. But I think there's something magical that happens when you do something just because you want to.

It makes you feel more in control of your own life, and reaffirms your subconscious that you do matter, and that your happiness is importance.

And it can be anything. Signing up to Borrow My Doggy and getting to know cute dogs in your neighbourhood, having a one person karaoke party, writing your own one person musical (this is on my 30 before 30 list and I'm still not sure how I'm going to pull it off!), or going outside in the pouring rain and let yourself get completely soaked. Or you could start a watercolour painting class, teach yourself to make your own shampoo or learn a new skill. Whatever appeals to you, even if you don't know why.

Whatever is fun for you - and you don't have to justify it, and it doesn't have to make sense to any one other than you - find time to do it. And enjoy it.

And if you don't know what you find fun - start exploring!

7. Stop apologising

I am a recovering chronic apologiser. I apologise for so much shit that has nothing to do with me.

Sorry [even though you bumped into me], sorry [for talking too much even though you asked me a question], sorry [for taking up my full seat on the train, that I have a right to sit in], sorry [for standing up for myself even if you did treat me like shit], sorry [for asking where my meal is even though I ordered half an hour ago], sorry [for interrupting you even though I told you I had to leave half an hour ago]. And the list goes on.

I might as well apologise for the sun fucking shining.

Jeez louise.

And here's the thing. It makes me feel like shit. Every time I do it, I then get annoyed at myself and then end up blaming myself and feeling stupid.

What a confidence crippling cycle.

So if you find yourself doing the same (because I know I'm definitely not alone in this), join me in challenging yourself not to apologise, unless you do something that really warrants it. Like accidentally poisoning your friend's cat, or being mean to someone you love.

You don't owe the world an apology for existing.

8. Get an outside perspective

This is something that's really helped me and it's much different (and better) than asking friends to name three good qualities about you, like so many places suggest.

Having a completely objective perspective can really make you view yourself, and your strengths in a way you didn't before.

In order to do this, I suggest three different online tests (in order of how helpful I think they are.

Clifton StrengthsFinder Test 

I found this one to be an absolute gamechanger. I'd thought of doing it for a while but resented having to pay (it's not very expensive - I did it by buying the kindle edition). But then I got chatting to Violeta Nedkova on Couragemakers about it, and decided it was worth giving a go.

And it SO was. After an extensive (but really fun) set of scenario based questions, you end the test with a breakdown of your top 5 skills (mine were activator, maximiser, connectedness, strategic and relator). Which is really cool in itself, but it gets better!

For each of your top five strengths, the test goes on to tell you how that strength helps you stand out, gives you questions, ideas for action *and* an action plan.

This test has really given me a new understanding of why I've really struggled with the jobs I've had. I can see that I needed to be working for progressive organisations, places where my creativity, strategic skills and leadership skills were valued and nurtured, and have the ability to really feedback my ideas on how to make the organisation a better place. And knowing that really helped heal some old wounds.

A lot of people find this test so transformative because it allows you to see what you thought were weaknesses, as strengths, and helps you see yourself in a completely different light.

The Fascination Advantage

This is another fun one, and again it's not free but I think there is a free quick version you can do here.

This quiz is all about how the world sees you, and while I didn't really discover anything new about myself, it was reaffirming and was a bit like a big accomplishment.

Something I did find however, is that it was SO helpful in understanding how Mr. Meg works. He did the test (yes, I made him!) and I now have such a better understanding of how his mind works and what motivates him.

And it turns out that not everybody works the same as me and is motivated by the same things. So that was a fun realisation!

And if you're wondering, my primary advantage was passion amd my secondary advantage was power which means my result is that I'm 'The People's Champion'.

Get ready to have a new epic name to call yourself after taking this test!

Free Personality Test Based on Myers Briggs* (it isn't THE Myers Briggs test, but a free version that a lot of people take instead)

So if you've seen people have a seemingly random acronym in their Twitter bio, this personality test is probably the culprit.

It's pretty similar in style to the Strengths Finder Test, but instead of telling you your strengths, it assigns you to one of 16 personality types. And it's pretty fucking accurate. And slightly too creepily true.

It is designed to work out :

How you interact with the world - Introverted (I) or Extroverted (E) How you interpret things - Sensing (S) or Intuitive (I) How you make decisions - Thinking (T) or Feeling (F) How you deal with the outside world - Judging (J) or Perceiving (P)

And once you do the test, you get your acronym. There are 16 different combinations and each are completely different. And completely fascinating. And you end up with a long description that basically sums you up better than anything ever has.

If you're curious, I'm an INFP, and it seems like a lot of people I really relate with are as well!

These three tests are great at building confidence because they help give you a deeper understanding of you. And you might find yourself nodding along in agreement with some pretty incredible things about yourself.

9. Laugh for no reason

A random fact about myself, is that a couple of years ago, I trained as a laughter yoga instructor. If you're wondering what laughter yoga is (it's not some fantangled way of moving your body, it's mainly about breathing and the amazing health impacts laughter gives us), you can see it in practice here with Dr. Madan Kataria, who started the laughter yoga movement.

As well as laughing myself silly until I felt like I couldn't move, I learned so much about how laughter helps us in every day life. From how it helps boost our immune system, how it helps us connect with people, to how it helps us to build resilience.

And here's the best part of all.

Your body and mind don't know the difference between fake laughing and real laughing. So you get the exact same outcomes from making yourself fake laugh as you do when you have a really good laugh with a friend.

Now, this might take a bit of getting used to, and feel downright bizarre when you first start, but once you've got over that first hiccup, you'll find that it can have great effects on your mood and confidence.

So try it out. I recommend starting with a simple breathing technique 'Ho, ho, ha, ha, ha' and taking it from there.

Believe me, it works, and it's a lot of fun!

10. Do something that really scares you, that you wrote off as something you might do ONE DAY

I think it's really easy to divide the world into things we want to do that are in the realm of possibility and the things we'd love to do that we'll probably never do.

And I think there's a massive amount of confidence that can be gained by making those things that are bucket list items, or things that we think we'll do one day into reality.

And those things can be the big scary things, and they can also be tiny things. Because what's big and scary for you, might be easy to someone else, and what's piss-easy for you might be a huge deal to someone else.

But the main difference is doing them instead of thinking about them. Recruit a friend, set yourself a challenge, take the leap and trust the net will be there to catch you.

Because life is here to be lived. And you have the power to make that happen.

11. Show Up

My last tip is the biggest and probably the hardest. And it encapsulated a lot of what I've already spoken about.

And that's to show up, claim your motherfucking right to exist, and dare to do the things that make you happy.

Because you have every right to show up. And sometimes we all need the reminder that we're not here to shrink away, keep our thoughts to ourselves and look at the ground. We're not here to apologise for taking up space, to hide our brilliance and to shy away from what makes us unique.

You have so many things that make you stand out. And you have a combination of skills, strengths and personal quirks that no one else has.

You don't have any competition, because no one can do what you do in the way you do it.

And that's pretty fucking special.

I hope this list has given you some inspiration and practical ways to start building your own confidence.

Stop apologising for existing, start laughing, embrace your personality, smile at strangers, and stand a bit taller.

Surprise yourself.

You have so much to give the world and the world needs to hear your story.

And anyone who has made you think any different, can quite frankly shove it.

I would love to know any fun ways you've used to build your confidence, or how you got on trying these ideas out for yourself! Let me know in the comments!

Thank you to the lovely Tiffany Pratt for letting me use this beautiful photo. Credit for interior design and styling goes to Tiffany Pratt and photography rights go to Tara McMullen.

What Becoming Visible Has Taught Me

When I ran the New Year’s Revolution challenge at the start of the year, I set myself a challenge for 2016. And that was to become more visible. And share my many stories. For me that meant putting my whole self out there. Not hiding behind a screen or a mask, but showing up, as I am.

And that’s some tough scary shit. Because it’s really hard to meet yourself as you are and a) be okay with yourself and b) show that to the world.

For me, a big part of becoming visible meant sharing my whole story, not just the good bits; the bits that sound great on paper. But instead telling the whole thing. Messy bits, the ugly bits and the bits I’d change if I was re-writing it.

I’ve written a lot recently about sharing your story and it’s one of my core beliefs that the world needs to hear the messy, complicated, stories. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

While I was sick of hiding the complicated bits and things that didn’t make sense, I’ve been terrified to really show myself. 

And I know I’m not alone in this. So many of us are living this same struggle. And sometimes our logic isn’t rational, but it feels very real and serious to us.

I mean, I nearly didn’t start my podcast because I’m fat. How does that even make sense? I mean, what the fuck is that about?!

And I’ve been shy in sharing my own mental health struggles because I feared that it would discredit my ability to talk about wellbeing, overcoming burnout and living a wholehearted life. (This, I also learned, is bollocks).

So many of us who are fighting for a brighter, better world have struggles and don’t have our shit together. And like I’ve written before, no one wants real life advice from the person who claims that they never have and never will have problems because life is magical. In some ways, having problems makes us most qualified to do it.

But to me, at that time, showing up fully, with both the shit and giggles was a serious concern.

In this self help world of green smoothies and yoga at 5am, I had so many mixed feelings as showing up the way I am.

As a fat woman who struggles with her mental health , the world makes so many assumptions and I didn’t want that.

But I’d started to define myself by my struggles and not by my unique combination of skills and strengths or the passion that I have to make the world a brighter place.

And because I’d already figured out in my own head how people would react, (which FYI, didn’t come true. At all) I’d scared myself shitless about it.

But someway along the way, I realised that becoming visible wasn’t this horrible, scary thing that would mean the end to life as I knew it.

It was a lot like closing your eyes, squeezing your hands tightly together and blurting out what you’ve wanted to say for a while, then coming up to air and realising the world hasn’t ended.

It gave me life. It felt absolutely invigorating to actually put myself out there. To log into skype and have deep intimate conversations with women all over the world for my podcast was terrifying to begin with, but has quickly become one of my all time favourite things to do.

Launching a New Year’s Revolution email course was exciting and so refreshing. Jumping on Skype with people I’ve only known via email has only made our relationships better.

Instead of doing it for the sake of a challenge, putting myself out there actually became fun. I learned that as much as I tell myself otherwise to keep myself safe, I thrive on connecting with other like minded people. I absolutely love talking to people and getting to know their stories. I love showing up as my bright coloured self, being really honest and trying to make the world a better place.

And the last four months have taken me to some pretty amazing places.

I actually started the podcast I put off for so long and it has been even more beautiful than I ever could have dreamt of. Then I put it into the world with some radical honesty and interviewed the most incredible women, and The Couragemakers Podcast ended up in New & Noteworthy (say whaaaat?).

And I’ve enjoyed (enjoyed!) being interviewed for some other amazing podcasts. I shared my struggles with being in the entrepreneur world and my upcoming round the world adventure with VK the VA for her wonderful podcast Behind The Boss Mask and got seriously honest with Sarah Starrs about multipotentiality, the truth and myths behind lifestyle design and uninstagrammable self care on her Punk Rock Personal Development Podcast.

And to put the icing on the cake, I’ve become really open about my own mental health struggles and also really spoken out about my life as a fat woman with Rose Gold (which comes out on Thursday!)

And I’ve learned something huge through this experience:

Hiding yourself from the world not only does a great disservice to yourself, but it gives a great disservice to the world.

The world needs your story. The world needs more raw and honest stories. And you’ll be surprised just how not alone you are when you start sharing.

Like courage breeds courage, honest breeds honesty and stories breed stories.

Showing up as yourself, owning your own story is a radical thing to do, especially in this world where we’re told that only so many stories count.

Because your story does count, the same way as you matter.

You have so much to give the world. And you’re going to enjoy your life so much more where you can really step into your life and claim your spot on the stage.

Read this if you've ever felt like a fraud

I want to talk about something today that we don’t really like to talk about, or admit. We all feel like frauds.

Who am I to be doing this?

Why should someone pay me attention/money to do this? 

What if they find out that I feel like a mess and discover I’m a massive fraud?

Who do you think you are to do this? What makes you qualify to have a voice on this?

How long is it going to be until someone finds out, and then I’m done. I’m going to lose it all.

What if my boss/friend/client going to find out they chose the wrong person?

I’m not an expert!

I’ve had these thoughts, you’ve had these thoughts, and even John Green feels like a fraud and like he doesn’t know how to write a novel.

Sometimes it feels like a ‘guess what celebrity I am’ post it note stuck on your forehead that you’re desperately trying to hide.

(You can breathe a huge sigh of relief that you’re not alone now!)

And I think there’s a good reason many of us feel like frauds.

It comes from a place of good intention.

We’re mission driven, we want to help people, and our inner perfectionists want us to do the The Best Job Ever.

We’re given so many reasons to listen to the voice inside us that tells us we’re not good enough, that when we put something in the world, when we try something, our imposter voice comes out to keep us in check.

Because for so many of us, we don’t want to let people down, we don’t want to be seen as conceited, we don’t want to wave our expertise or our own strengths around like a bra at a Macklemore gig.

Instead, we worry like hell.

We worry that we’re not doing a good job, counter to what anyone else is telling us. We convince ourselves that the people who support us and encourage us don’t know our secret; the full story - the one where we’re a MASSIVE IMPOSTER.

(And sometimes, when things get really shitty, we can convince ourselves that people don’t mean their compliments, they’re doing it just to make us feel good, or because they pity us. Hello, crippling self-doubt!)

We all have our own fraud stories. Every single one of us. We’ve all had those thoughts, and we’ve all unintentionally and sometimes intentionally kept ourselves back because we feel like a massive fraud.

My own fraud story 

When I started That Hummingbird Life, it was primarily about recovering from burnout and self care. And I used to beat myself up so much about getting burnt out. Fucking hell did I give myself a hard time when I myself got burnt out.

When I first started, I’d just recovered from a couple of serious burnout episodes and had found things that helped me.

For the first time in my life, I saw the value in taking time for myself, the value in putting myself on my priority list, and I started to say no to things, do things that made my heart sing and generally remember that I am valued and I actually matter.

And I learned SO much from that process. It was a complicated, messy, human process and I shared a lot of it. I wanted to share my journey, share things I found invaluable, and share my struggle.

But it turns out it takes longer than a couple of years to un-do learned behaviours we’ve been repeating over and over again our entire lives (help everyone, say yes, just keep going, practice makes perfect).

So I would still burnout. But there was a difference. It wasn’t so hard, and it didn’t take me as long to bounce back. Each time was getting quicker, because I’d built resilience and tools that I know worked for me to help me deal with it.

But at the time, I wasn’t focusing on how I was doing. All I could feel when I did burnout was how much of a fraud I was, and I felt guilty. I thought it made me a hypocrite.

I thought I was an absolute fraud. And a failure. 

The thought that kept going round in my head was  who am I to think that I could help other people, if I still get trapped in the burnout cycle and struggle with self care.

And it really chipped at my confidence. I found it harder to blog and share things that had helped me because I felt like I wasn’t doing it 100% right myself.

I found it harder to blog and stopped offering coaching completely, even though I know I helped many people because of my experience and because I was good at what I did.

With The Couragemakers Podcast, the same familiar thoughts came back to me.

But something changed.

At some point down the line, I figured that everyone has these feelings, and they’re a safety mechanism to keep us in our comfort zones, and to keep us from thinking we’ve got ‘too big for our boots’.

That doesn’t mean to say I never feel like a fraud anymore. Far from it!

I even thought who am I to be writing about fraud? Several times through writing this.

If you’ve got passionate bones in your body, if you genuinely want to help people and put good shit in the world, you’re going to feel like a fraud at some point.

Not necessarily all the time, maybe it’s just fleeting. But we all feel it.

No matter what your work, your passion project - whatever it is you’re putting in the world - is, feeling like a fraud is a part of it.

But being human is even more a fundamental part of it.

If you’re doing something because you experienced it and found something that works for you and want to share it, then that is a completely valid way of helping people. (And it’s also worth remembering that we write what we most need to hear; we work on the things that heal us.)

Experience is a completely valid place to create from.

And experiences are never simple. There’s never a point A or a point B. There’s a couple of salsa steps forward then sliding backwards on your arse.

The fraud is the person who stands there and says they no have zero problems.

The fraud is the confidence coach who tells you they are now 110% completely happy in themselves, that they can establish effective boundaries for every single relationship they have and no longer struggle with self doubt, whatesoever anymore.

The fraud is the person who stands up with the fairy godmother transformation and preaches that they’ve completely figured it out and they don’t struggle anymore.

The fraud is the person that promises you unrealistic fantasies that they pass off as real life.

The fraud is the person that tells you their life used to be awful but now it’s the most amazing fucking thing they could ever fucking imagine.

The fraud is NOT YOU.

You feel like a fraud because we all do.

Because you care.

Because you know deep down you have something of immense value to add to the world, but your first instinct is to keep you safe (in the comfort zone).

You are anything, but alone.

Introducing The Couragemakers Podcast

In extremely exciting news, The Couragemakers Podcast launched this week! And it has blown my mind. I started Couragemakers because I wanted to speak to women all over the world, women like you and me - mission driven doers, makers and world shakers, about their dreams, their stories, and get really vulnerable and courageous about what sets them on fire as well as the monsters that hide under their beds.

Because putting stuff in the world takes a shitload of courage, and sometimes it feels like a lonely and scary place.

And I wanted to start a movement (download the beautiful manifesto here).  A movement of women choosing ourselves, owning and sharing our stories, and embracing and celebrating our every day courage.

I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying the experience, how much I have been blown away by the conversations I've had. How honest they've been, how inspiring every woman I've spoken to has been, and how willing they are to share their stories to help others.

This has been such a journey for me. Going from a job that sucked the soul out of me, left me feeling a shell of the person I once was, and feeling like I had nothing to give to the world, to THIS - it's amazing. I feel like I'm using my strengths and skills to put the great shit into the world I was meant to. It's been vulnerable as hell, but seriously, I am enjoying every second of it. (Well, perhaps not when the editing goes wrong, or the mic plays up... but you get what I mean.) 

I even released a prequel where I got SERIOUSLY vulnerable and honest about my vision for the podcast and why I started the podcast. 

If you haven't checked out the podcast and you're a mission-driven doer, maker or world shaker, I think you're going to really enjoy the honest and vulnerable conversations we're having.

If you want to subscribe on iTunes click here.

If you use Android, click here.

And because I'm all about celebrating the shit out of your wins, here's how the Couragemakers has gone down this week. (Eg. This is really surreal, and holy shit this is fantastic!)

The reactions and support have been AMAZING:

Finally getting started on the brand new #Couragemakers Podcast today! @megkissack Because I could always use more inspiration

— Ashley Lorelle (@ash_lorelle) March 2, 2016

Loving the #Couragemakers manifesto by @megkissack - now displayed behind my computer to remind me what's important pic.twitter.com/5GzllRMsIN

— Kate (@iamkateevans) March 2, 2016

If you haven't checked out @megkissack's podcast get you are missing out my friend. https://t.co/WhZg2d9W6G

— Melissa Hebbe (@melissahebbe) March 3, 2016

@megkissack Found your blog this week and have been bingelistening to your podcast, Meg! I'd love to take part in your twitter chat :)

— Wendy (@TheGratefulist) March 3, 2016

Congrats @megkissack on the launch of The CourageMakers Podcast today! Go listen, it's amazing & Meg is lovely! https://t.co/MejbpvRD9n

— Michelle Anneliese (@manneliesemedia) February 29, 2016

New #Podcast launched #Couragemaker by @megkissack Important and inspiring conversations. Cheer up this rainy day and listen to it.

— AnabelRoqueRodriguez (@anabelroro) February 29, 2016

Literally cried reading @megkissack's Couragemakers Manifesto. Want to know how I feel about life? Read it! https://t.co/kuqvTOAmko

— Maria Northcott (@asweetstart) February 29, 2016

Umm, New & Noteworthy in iTunes?

AHHHH!!

Screen Shot 2016-03-03 at 21.30.13

My aim right now is to spread this podcast to every woman that needs it. I'm doing this by trying to get it into the top 16 of iTunes New & Noteworthy. If it gets into that exclusive spot, then it will be seen by literally millions of people. Think how many people we could inspire through that! If you want to help get it out to the world in a BIG way, leave a review/rating on iTunes and subscribe following this link here! 

And this came from a woman who thought she might be able to make something kind of cool and put it off for a year because she didn't have the confidence, was being scared of being visible and didn't like the sound of her own voice.

Here's to courage and spreading it like fucking wildfire.

Photo on 04-02-2016 at 14.25

Why You Need To Stop Reinventing Yourself (and why it's a good thing)

This is the start of a brand new chapter. 

This is a new beginning.

I’m starting my life over.

The new me begins today.

I’ve thought all of those things on lots and lots of occasions. And you know what? It’s never worked out for me. It has lasted maybe two days, and I’ve slipped, ended up feeling like shit and giving up.

Examples? Hell yes!

When I was 12, I would bulk print out all these healthy eating and confidence articles from the internet. And I would make a decision. I would start that day and would decide to be a healthy confident person. It would be a new beginning! (Didn’t work - just a lot of wasted trees unfortunately).

I went to see Mean Girls in the cinema and decided that the next day, I would be a hot version of myself and that I could have that summer camp transformation (you know that myth that in a period of six weeks, a girl grows perfectly rounded breasts, perfect hair and clear skin?) overnight. Overnight! It would be a new beginning! (Didn’t work, and now I have a much deeper appreciation of the irony in all this. I mean, I think I missed the point of the film the first time, right?!)

I started an adult job and bought a really nice bag, a professional organiser and heels. And black trousers. TROUSERS. I mean, who the fuck was I kidding?! I wanted to be a professional woman with a proper job. That’s one thing - this fantasy of me looking like I ate the Cosmo Bible for work clothes, however is quite another thing. I’m never going to look like I belong in Sex and the City, and I’d never want to.

And I’ve done the same things for morning routines, creative routines, and countless healthy eating things and other shit like that. And they’ve never worked.

I wanted to to swish my wand and erase the person I was in favour of this more attractive, more organised, more everything version of myself.

I wasn’t opening a new chapter. I didn't even want a new chapter. I wanted a new fucking book.

I wanted to become this completely different person, with new habits, new patterns and new everything.

permission to try

And while it wasn’t obvious at the time (like most things aren’t),  I was trying to change from a place of self loathing. And I was completely willing to deny the way I work, my quirks any past experiences.

And it took a long time to realise this, but it’s since I realised that the person I’ve been my whole life is still going to be there for new adventures and new experiences that things started to change. That new chapters are new chapters, and I’m way more focused on finding joy as myself, being present for new experiences and finding fun and creative ways to do everyday things.

I’m always going to be the person who has a tendency to do things last minute, to cram wayyy too much in any bag, to burst into song whenever the radio comes on, and have flyaway hair. Sure, I can find new ways of doing things, learn organisational skills, practice better time keeping, but I can’t just erase parts of me that have been that way since I can remember.

I’m always going to be dressed bright with clothes that don’t match. I’m always going to favour dry hair shampoo and an extra twenty minutes in bed. My jewellery is never going to be dainty and I’m never going to someone who’s described as graceful and quiet.

And now I wouldn’t change that for the world. But it’s taken one hell of a journey, a bucket load of self loathing and a whole lot of kindness to myself to get here.

I would perhaps change losing important post-it notes and running round the house like a Sim on fire when I got caught up singing in the shower and running late.  (Bonus secret: When I was in high school, one of my favourite things to do was to pretend to be a Sim on fire. Serious fun, right there!)

But I digress.

If you spend all of your time running towards this mythical version of yourself, the main theme of your book is going to be someone hating themselves so much the plot got lost and there wasn’t much of a story.

And you’re going to get sick of re-writing the same chapter.

Whatever shit has happened in your life, whatever you see when you look in the mirror and however other people see you - you’re you. You got yourself this far. Not the marathon, carrot eating version of yourself. Nor the bestselling author version of yourself. Not You Version 2.0, but you now.

You’ve had your own back and you’ve survived things you thought you wouldn’t.

And that’s something to be really fucking proud of you.

The past is what builds us. While there are things we would take back, experiences we would choose not to re-live, and decisions we would change, all of those things make up your foundations. You can change because of them, you can decide to live a completely different life, create your own family, you can decide to move somewhere where nobody knows you.

But you can’t run from yourself and you can’t just define yourself by things that happened in the past. The person you are right now is a culmination of all your life experiences. You’re still in the same book. There are new roads you can take, new chapters in your book, but you can’t just up and move yourself out of your own story.

And it might take a while but there’s going to be a time where you realise you can’t just change the entire book.  And learn to be okay with that.

The people you help, the work you put in the world, the conversations you have, the flecks of sunshine you leave wherever you go - they’re put there by the person who lived all of those things and had all those quirks.

Being yourself can be one of the bravest things you can do, and it’s a lifelong journey. So you might as well make it a fun one.

You’re not Brené Brown, but you’ve still got a story

I just want to start by saying that I love Brené Brown. I’ve watched the TED talks, bought the books, didn’t buy the t-shirt because it was too expensive.And I love the ‘others’ too - you know who I mean. The big name people talking about big ideas and concepts in profound way.

I find them inspiring, their work definitely influences my work, and I love travelling or sitting in a coffee shop with Audible on, listening to their latest books.

But I think there’s been a shift.

There’s been a shift, in that if you’re thinking about, writing about or wanting a quote about vulnerability or shame, you google Brené Brown. If you want inspiration about creativity - you turn to Elizabeth Gilbert.

The great part is that vulnerability, creativity, shame and fear have become part of normal conversations.

The not so great part? It’s like we’ve stopped turning to our own stories, and our own narratives.

I get that there are experts in any industry and there are always people leading the field, but I think experts have been put on a pedestal so much that we’re forgetting ourselves and the contribution we have to make.

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder how helpful it is, that when we’re talking about huge, subjective, personal topics,  we immediately turn to the 'experts' instead of turning to ourselves, and the people in our own lives.

The way I see it, if you’re reading this right now, if you’re a human, you’re just as much an expert on vulnerability, shame, creativity, fear as anyone who might have a New York Times Bestseller.

All of our human experiences guarantee that.

And we’ve all found our own unique strategies and tools, our own memories, and experiences where they’ve come into play. And we all have our own stories, our own ah-ha moments, and our own ways we can help ourselves and others. 

And my fear that we're not turning to ourselves only increased when I started The Couragemakers Podcast. I started my podcast because I wanted to talk to everyday couragemakers about everyday courage. To have honest conversations with mission driven doers, makers and world shakers that might not necessarily be featured on Huffington Post, have written their own book or given a TED Talk.

I wanted to hear the stories of women all around the world who are using their own experiences, and their own strengths and values to put good shit into the world and make the world a brighter place than how we found it.

And believe me, I have. And the episodes are AMAZING. And the women? They are fucking phenomenal.

But when I started to reach out to women I knew, women who encourage and ispire me,  I started seeing a pattern emerging their responses. Their answers started with ‘I’d absolutely love to…” and finished with:

“When I’ve done more”

“When I’m at that level”

“But I don’t think I’m very interesting”

“But I don’t think I have anything to say”

It’s like we’ve all got used to only hearing successful, well regarded people on podcasts, listening to people who have given TED Talks, and only watching the people who look like they have it all.

And in the process, we’re silencing ourselves. We’re getting trapped in the ‘I’m not good enoughs’ and ‘I’m not important enoughs.' I’m truly devastated by the fact that there are people who don’t feel important enough to think they even have a story.

photo-1436407886995-41f8f5ee43ad

Let me tell you - for every single interview I record, I am absolutely blown away. Blown away by the stories, by the courage and by the joy of sharing stories that are untold.

Most of all, I’m blown away by the fact that we all have so many different stories. For each guest, I know the interview could go a thousand different ways, depending on which part of their story or their lives we’re focusing on.

Because when it comes to vulnerability, fear, creativity, hope, wholeheartedness, bravery, anything - we've all got enough stories to stock that beautiful bookshop in You've Got Mailthree times over. 

And when people are asked about their lives, their struggles and what inspires them, they come out with stories and advice that are just as share-worthy and Pinterest board worthy as Brené Brown and Elizabeth Gilbert:

Asking for help is one of the best things you could do for your life. And letting people know life is a mess and life is really messy and it’s okay becauese we all are messy and nobody has it together -- Jordan Gage

Find something new you want to try and do it. That’s a gift to yourself -- Amber Thomas

Being a courage maker is when your inner light is stronger than the light out there -- Violeta Nedkova

We've all got our own narratives.

We've all got our own stories to tell. We each have a back catalogue of real life experiences. We each have our Greatest Hits and also that obscure album that no one's really listened to.

Trust yourself and stop googling, or believing that the experts can say what you're thinking, or your ideas better than yourself.

Because they can't.

** The Couragemakers Podcast will be released on 29th February. You can keep up to date with all the episodes here.

EPIC POST: What to do when you lose all your enthusiasm

At times, there can be nothing scarier than losing your enthusiasm. Losing your enthusiasm for life, losing enthusiasm for passion projects that you were once so excited about, losing your enthusiasm for your dreams. Believe me, I've been there and it feels like a seriously lonely place. Enthusiasm is a massive driver for me, and it feels so scary when I lose it, because suddenly things stop making sense like they used to.

Things that I once loved doing cease to exist and things I had enthusiasm for become these unspeakable things that I simultaneously try not to think about, and obsess over how I can get back.

It's a lot like grieving. It's a lot like saying a heartfelt goodbye, not knowing when you're going to see it again. It's a lot like the world has been pulled from under your feet, and you've lost your place in the world.

I know what it's like to have so little enthusiasm it's hard to find a reason to get out of bed. And I've had plenty of days where taking a shower feels as possible as flying to the moon on a lime green marshmallow. In this post, I'm going to share some questions  and some practical things that might really help if you're feeling like you've lost all your enthusiasm. All these things have really made a difference for me.

The Questions

While, like many things in life, there isn't a rhyme or reason, it's sometimes worth pondering over these questions to explore why your enthusiasm seems to have up and left you.

1. Has the voice of self doubt taken over?

Who are YOU to think you can do it? You'll never succeed. (Insert successful person's name) is so much better than you. This is never going to work out. Who do you think you are? Don't be so stupid.

That, right there, is the voice of my self doubt. The internal critic that sits in my head, feeding me toxic waste, and trying to do everything she can to stop me in my tracks, believing that I'm not enough, that I'm not smart enough, and that I should just give up.

The thing about our internal critic (we've all got one) is that they have one job to do. And that's to keep you safe. Keep you from taking risks, doing something that might not work out or trying anything without a certain outcome. And your internal critic? She's going to say whatever she has to in order to make you stop. Truth doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it's all bullshit. Your internal critic only cares as long as it stops you from doing perceived dangerous things, and keeps you safe.

If this sounds like what's going on for you right now, I really do encourage you to do several things:

• Read Tara Mohr's Playing Big Or listen to this podcast episode

• Write a list of every little thing you've done that you're proud of

• Right now, think of 3 ways you've defied odds

• Thank your critic and tell them that you've got this and they can leave now

• And if you're struggling with something creative, check out Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic. It's got some gems in there. She's also got a great podcast which is a good alternative to her book.

2. Did expectations get higher?

Joy seeps out of my body when I start setting high (read: unrealistic) expectations. There is nothing wrong with wanting to write a New York Time Bestseller. But in a week?! That's when things start to get messy. Let's look at this logically - if you're putting so much pressure on yourself to do something, you're not going to want to do it. The F word is going to come out to play. Yep, I said it - failure. You're going to get so scared of letting yourself down (because that's the person we always fear letting down the most) and not meeting our expectations, that previous joyful things become BIG ISSUES.

For me, when I get caught up in all of this, I try to remember my why. Why did I start it? What motivates me? What keeps me coming back to it?

Write your answer on a postit note and look at it regularly.

3. Did you get what you came for?

When I first stumbled on multipotentiality, I felt like I'd won the lottery. When I started reading Barbara Sher's Refuse to Choose, I started to realise that when you have many passions, it's normal to feel overwhelmed and like there's never enough time. I also learned a huge lesson which is that sometimes we lose enthusiasm because we got what we came for. Say you're an ideas person but hate planning finite detailed plans - when a project goes past the ideas stage, it makes sense that you'll lose some/all enthusiasm. This is why it can help collaborating with someone who loves the bits you don't.

Sometimes you lose enthusiasm because you've taken all the joy you can and you feel done with it. Don't beat yourself up - be glad about what happened and move on. If you're a fellow multipotentialite, and you're willing to give yourself a break, I'm sure it's not going to take long for the next project to show up.

In the meantime, check out these great articles on Puttylike (the best resource for multipotentialites!)

• Why you shouldn't finish what you start

• When you shouldn't quit

• How to stop feeling guilty about new interests

4. Is it time you let it go?

Seriously, I've been there. As an activist who burned out pretty damn hard, I know what it's like to lose enthusiasm, yet feel like you should grip onto any last remaining bit of passion with everything you have. I also know what it's like to work through the loss of enthusiasm, forcing yourself to do things that your heart isn't in anymore, and ending up ill because of it.

Letting go of things you once had a world of enthusiasm for is really fucking hard. You're left with feeling like somehow you didn't do a good enough job, you weren't good enough, you weren't cut out for it, you weren't committed enough, you could have done MORE. But sister? If you're anything like me, you did everything. You did enough.

What To Do When You Lose All Your Enthusiasm

It just doesn't serve you anymore. And that's a hard thing to admit. But once you can? Then there's a whole world of possibilities out there. And the world can wait until you feel up to it. And yeah, of course it's scary (what if this happens again?! I hear you ask). But that's when true bravery comes into it. Going all in anyway. 'Daring greatly' as Brene Brown would say.

There can also be nothing braver than believing that your enthusiasm still exists, and it will return.

And if you can grab that courage and hold onto it like the last Lindt chocolate in the world, then you can start to look towards a bright future.

Some things you could try are:

• Go back to the things you loved doing as a child - they often hold the key to a whole abundance of joy

• Write about it. Journal about it. Get your feelings out. Writing sorts out so much head-mess, chances you'll finish with a deeper understanding of what's going on for you right now

• Really embrace play and do things just for fun. Follow your curiosity. (Elizabeth Gilbert recently did a fantastic interview on following your curiosity instead of your passions. I think it might be right up your street).

But sometimes, trying to find the answer, spending time pondering over questions just isn't going to cut it.

THE PRACTICAL SHIT

Sometimes that's going to make it plain worse, and you know yourself the best - you know when that might be the case. If that's the case for you right now, try these on for size.

Make a Pick Me Up Box

This is one of the first things I did for myself when I got really ill. I was struggling with depression, anxiety and my zest for life had vanished. When you lose enthusiasm and your zest for life, it can become really hard to make decisions, and you can literally sit there, trying to figure out what to do for hours or days.

A Pick Me Up box goes a long way to getting you out of the cycle of sitting there. You fill a box with pieces of paper with things that you can do that will inspire you, distract you, energise you, and with pieces of paper with quotes on them. When you're in that place, go to the box and let is make a decision for you. You can find a very easy 4 step tutorial I wrote right here.

Give yourself a break

One thing that's taken me a tonne of shit experiences to learn is that the time when I feel like I can't take a break is the time I should be taking a break. Sometimes we just go so hard at it, and wonder why it's not working, and we just need to STOP.

A break and time away provides:

• Fresh perspectives

• Escapism

• Time for your body and mind to get some much needed rest

• A chance to connect - with nature, with friends, with pets, with fictional characters

• An opportunity for new ideas to develop

• The space you need to evaluate things properly and make thought out decisions

Take a break now. Plan a break. Give yourself some time. And don't feel selfish or guilty for doing it - this is what you'd tell your best friend to do, right? (And you don't have to plan some exotic break. Lying in your bed with a box of chocolates and Homeland is perfectly acceptable, if not downright encouraged in my book!)

Go cold turkey

This might sound a bit ridiculous but stay with me, okay?  Work and passions can be addictive. If you know something isn't serving you, and is probably the root cause of your lack of enthusiasm, try and cut down on it. Or go cold turkey.

That can include distancing yourself from things that hurt.

Real life example from my own life: For now, I avoid any form of activism. I don't go to demos or marches. I'm not involved in activist groups. None of it. Why? Because right now as I'm trying to distance myself from things I know have caused so much pain in my life, I know it would hurt too much. It would be a reminder of who I was versus who I am now, it would make me even more bitter at people and experiences that slowly drained me. By keeping away, I protect my own sanity and I'm spending time exploring other things I previously wouldn't have. And life's become pretty damn interesting! (I'm starting a podcast, for one thing!)

This might be easier said than done if it's a work thing that's making you feel this way. If that is the case, start considering other careers. Talk to people you love and trust about the things they think you would rock at that you might not have thought of. There is always a way out. And if you feel really trapped in your job and like there's no way out, read this.  (No really, read it). Sometimes you just can't see all of the options available to you when you're in that dark place.

Tips for going cold turkey:

• Tell someone and ask them for loving encouragement and to check in with you from time to time

• Don't say yes to things immediately. Take some time to make decisions based on your own sanity and your own wellbeing. This may be tough at first, but when it becomes a practice, you start making decisions from a place of love, not fear, and that's always a good thing!

• Give yourself a deadline to evaluate how it's been going cold turkey. Take an honest look at your life and see if anything has changed of the better.

Recognise the truth

With a loss of enthusiasm, can come a loss of confidence. And that shit is hard.

But here's the thing. If the most energy you have right now is pressing play on Netflix, that's okay. Because you have skills, you have strengths, and you have a personality unique to you, that when combined, makes you a pretty hardcore genius and wonderful person. And you don't have to be on fire all the time.

Whether you feel like you've lost your confidence, or things have been taken away from you, spend some time getting to know your skills and strengths. A couple of ways you can do this are:

• Take the Fascination Advantage test and see how the world sees you

• Take the Strength Finder Test (this costs about $20 but it is seriously worth it

• Start a little book of compliments, and every time someone says something nice to you or about you, write it down. And try and look over it every week.

• Do something just for fun that involves your skills. Give yourself permission to do whatever you like, and just play.

Surround yourself with inspiration

I find a hell of a lot of my motivation by surrounding myself with inspiration. And this can be virtual as well as real life. When I was in the job I hated, I would listen to The Good Life Project and The Lively Show for my entire commute. I didn't know anyone else who had decided to live life on their own terms in real life, but the guests on these podcast showed me opportunities, ways of living beyond my own bubble. (It's also why I've decided to start my own podcast).

And the great thing about surrounding yourself with people who inspire you? It starts to become the norm. And for me, that was the biggest motivation in making huge changes in my life. By spending my time listening to people who had taken risks, who were living unconventional lives and doing it for themselves, it became something that was tangible. It became my new norm. 

• Amber Thomas recently wrote a fantastic guest post on That Hummingbird Life, about how consumption can influence our creativity. Give it a read and start your own experiment.

• Surround yourself with passionate people. Or spend a day reading every post on the Live Your Legend blog!

• Write a list of things that inspire you, and for each thing, find a way to incorporate them into your daily life. Here's something I made that sits above my desk and inspires me every day:

Do nothing

Chances are, that if you're all out of enthusiasm, you're also pretty exhausted. Sometimes the most important thing you can do is rest. And by rest I mean listen to you body and do what it needs. If you need to sleep all day, sleep all day. If you're craving a nice hearty meal, go cook yourself something tasty. Don't focus on being productive, but instead just rest.

Your body needs rest. It's not lazy. It's absolutely essential. Give yourself opportunity to rest and you might just find enthusiasm creeping back up on you when you least expect it.

Trust

This is perhaps the hardest one, but the one that is going to have the most profound effect on your life. And that's to trust that everything will be okay, that your enthusiasm will return and things won't always be this hard.

Things might be hard as hell right now but they won't always be. How things will work out is a mystery, but they will work out, somehow. You've got yourself this far - have a little faith in yourself.

Finally, some reminders:

• Your enthusiasm will return. It might come in a different form, but it will return.
  

• Taking a break is important. It's not selfish or lazy, it's essential.
  

• You are more than a sum of your actions
  

• The world will is still turning and you will find the right rhythm and dance for you
  

• You are one fucking amazing person, and you have a lot to be proud of.

I hope this has helped you in some way, and I hope at the very least, you feel less alone. I know everything feels scary right now, so be kind and gentle with yourself. You're dealing with some really hard shit, so try to give yourself as much compassion as you can.

You've got this my love, you really have. You know more than you think you do, and you have everything you need inside you <3. I know that might sound like utter bollocks right now, but you just need to trust that. And if you feel alone, there's a whole bunch of like-minded women sharing their stories over on The Couragemakers Podcast.

I would love to know your experiences in the comments, or send me an email at meg [at] thathummingbirdlife [dot] com) if you prefer :)

Like what you just read?  Every Sunday I send a free weekly Pep Talks to hundreds of like-minded Couragemakers packed full of more encouragement than you can shake a stick at. Click here to find out more and join us!

Why being visible & creative takes a shitload of bravery

Here’s the thing. Not many people are talking about how scary it is to put yourself out there; how scary it is to make yourself completely visible. And how brave that makes you.  

They’re not talking about how vulnerable you feel when you create something that comes straight from your heart, and you know that there’s every chance your nan and everyone you went to school with ten years ago will see it.

How you know you have so much to say, so much to tell and so much to give but that doesn’t mean that you want everyone and their pet hamster to know. That’s just something that comes with the territory.  

When you stay up all night working on something that sets you on fire only to feel that excitement disappear when you start looking at stats and metrics (the shit we’re told to believe is important).

Or when ten people tell you ten nice thing and one person says something shitty and it’s that one comment that you hear in your mind whenever you’re about to start on a new project.

Or that your parents have never read your blog, or seen your work, or know what you do. Or how your friends just don’t get it.

How you sometimes feel embarrassed telling people what you do, or what you want to do, because you fear being judged and fear what they’ll say.

And how you try not to admit to anyone just how much it matters to you because you're worried how it's going to turned out, and you don't want to look stupid.

It feels so vulnerable because our creative endeavours are our most heartfelt expressions of ourselves. And in the I’m fine, how are you? culture we live in, we don’t have enough of those deep conversations. It's like nobody wants to have the conversations. 

I’m just gonna come out and say it.

Every piece that you put out there? That’s some serious brave shit right there.

And the scale doesn’t matter. You could be pressing publish on a blog you think no one is ever going to read, or you could be getting up on stage performing your own songs. It all takes that leap of faith, that push and that conviction in yourself to put yourself out there as yourself.

There’s a world of people who wish they had your guts. And a world full of people that are desperate to make themselves visible but are scared of the reactions.

(If you are in that camp of people who want to but are shit scared, you’re not alone. Read this and this).

Remember, when you’re procrastinating, beating yourself up and finding it hard to do the work, take some time to remind yourself that what you’re doing is brave.

And it isn’t just brave.

It’s rebellious and revolutionary. No matter what it is you do, every time you create something, every time you put something (and yourself) out there, right there with it is your vision of a different future, a glimmer of hope and something that could only come out of you.

Pep talk: Give yourself permission to try

Waiting for a permission slip to do life, is like waiting for your Hogwarts letter.  It’s something you desperately wish you had, but something that isn’t going to happen.

It would be great if someone knocked on your door, told you that your plans are worthwhile and you’re the right person to execute them, but it doesn’t work that way.

And we both know that.

So then why are so many of us living like that? Like we’re waiting for a sign, waiting for the right moment, waiting to get everything right.

It’s not the right time, I’m too busy, I need to know more, I’m not an expert, I just need to invest in this one thing.

Sometimes this is true. Sometimes you do have too much going on in your life. Sometimes everything is too chaotic and it would be ridiculous to add more to the mix. Sometimes you do need invest in something (this was definitely true for Skype Recorder for my podcast). And sometimes you do need to learn more.

But sometimes they’re also just excuses. They’re ways of keeping within our comfort zones, ways of making us feel safe, but at the same time, keeping us level-headed, because, it’s going to happen. Right?

I’m going to be real.

The books I planned out in my head since I was about fifteen - they’ve never been written.

My podcast - it took a year longer than I thought to get started.

A lot of my creative plans - they’ve yet to see the light of day.

Why? Because I’ve been scared. My inner critic started to take over. All the usual shit started showing up:

I’m not good enough. What if no one takes any notice. Who am I to be doing this? I don’t know enough. They’re for other people, not for me. 

And I wanted validation. I wanted someone to tell me I was on the right path, and it would be wonderful. I wanted to not have to deal with the creative blocks, the resistance and the fear that it wouldn’t work out, or my work wouldn’t matter.

But here’s the thing. Your work does matter.

Your life matters. But it doesn’t matter if I think that, if Ryan Gosling thinks that or if your neighbour’s cat thinks that.

That doesn’t count for shit. What counts is that you believe that.

And that you’re able to give yourself your own permission slip. You’re the only one who has earned that right. And you’re the one that’s going to be most affected by it.

Because there are always going to be haters, nitpickers and naysayers. Just like there’s always going to be people doing similar shit to what you’re doing. And that fear and discomfort? That’s not going away either.

permission to try

But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t bother. It means you need to get creative. And start taking yourself seriously.

Let’s face it. How much time do you spend thinking about what you want to be doing? How much time do you spend worrying about what other people think, and what the reaction will be?

A lot of time, right?

So why not just use that time to just do it?

Why don’t we just use that time to create the things we want to create. Say the things we want to say. And just do the things we want to do.

Give yourself permission. 

Give yourself permission to try and succeed.

Give yourself permission to try and fail.

Just give yourself permission to stand up with your head tall and say:

"I fucking tried and do you know what, I learned something.I learned that I have courage, I have conviction, and I have something to say."

You are enough!

You are enough. Everything that you've done, everything that you've been through - they make up a story of who you are, sat here, right now reading this.

Some of those things will have been great, some of those things will have been downright shit, but they make up the person you are right now at this moment.

And let me tell you - you are a fucking amazing person who has so much to give to the world.

You're not regular Joe from the status quo. You don't live your life with a fill in the blank narrative - you're choosing your own path and you're hitting the ball out of the park. And that is brave, really brave.

And sometimes people are going to criticise you. They're gonna try to shit on your dreams because they don't understand you and they think they know better and what's in your best interest. But they don't.  Because you and only you, are the only one certified to write the bible of your life. You have more wisdom than you know and you are able to make good decisions.

You don't need to change who you are. You really don't. Anyone who says you do has their own agenda - one that benefits them and doesn't benefit you. You can either spend your whole life trying to change who you are and feeling like you'll never be enough, or you can try believing that you're enough and start living a life from that place instead.

You don't need to do what's expected of you. There's no one-size-fits-all approach to life - you get to do it your way and light that beacon of nonconformity to other people. And sometimes life isn't going to go the way you plan, and sometimes there's going to be bad bits. But we all have bad bits, and sometimes sharing your bad bits with other people is going to make them feel less alone, and let them see that they too are enough.

It's your life - you get to create your own adventures. You get to make your own stories and you get to be the central character. And you're a pretty awesome heroine. (But I think you know that already...)

You are enough, and you matter.

My bizarre morning routine (& the joys of being un-instagrammable)

I wrote a while ago about how it's okay to not be a morning person and the mystery of having a morning routine. And I still stand by that 100%. But what I have come to learn is that it is helpful to have something in place in the morning that starts you off to a good day. No, it's not about green smoothies or Insta-ing (is that a word?) your breakfast. No, it's not about getting up 2 hours early to do sun salutations.

Instead it's finding something that works for you. It's about finding something that works with how you already live your life. Something that is minimal effort but has a big effect on your day. It doesn't have to make sense to everyone else. It doesn't have to be something Oprah magazine feature worthy. It just has to be something that you can do that helps you.

Because, you know what? You know yourself better than anyone else, anyway. So stop googling the perfect morning routine, stop beating yourself up for pressing snooze a few (a dozen for me) too many times, and embrace your own madness.

With that in mind, let me share with you my morning routine. This is going to be no holds barred, so warning: reality to ensue.

(This feels pretty vulnerable, like sharing with you the colour of my knickers. (They have owls on them, they're cool).

My morning routine

An average day for me either involves working from home (or a coffee shop), blogging, doing design work and generally trying to work out how I can use my skills to make the world a better place, or involves going out to a research consultant job (completely freelance, random hours) mid-morning.

Either way, Mr. Meg is always up before me, about 6.45am and he heads off to work at 7.30am (the fact that I used to do this is pretty inconceivable to me.) The fact that I used flexi-time and usually got there half hour later than I wanted to because I convinced myself (in a very dozy state, most mornings) that I could shower, wash & blow dry my hair, feed the bunnies, have breakfast in 12 minutes however, is very conceivable.

But, I digress.

Between him getting ready and going out, I'm usually in a semi-conscious mumbling state, trying to tell Mr. Meg all about my latest dream, and after our morning hug, despite telling myself I really should get up, I doze back off to sleep.

8.15am and Mr. Meg rings on his walk to work and after muttering more shit for a while, I finally convince myself that it might be worth getting up.

Now, I want to be really honest here.

I don't arise like a fairy and skip downstairs (alert: nobody does), instead I lie in bed, check my email (a habit I'm really trying to change because it doesn't put my day off to a good start), and go downstairs to get breakfast sorted.

My breakfast is definitely not instagrammable. It involves two little pieces of toast, a tin of spaghetti and a couple of fried eggs. (Didn't I tell you that this isn't going to make sense to everyone? I probably should of added that your morning routine is probably going to actively repulse some people. Oh well. Shit happens.)

Before the spaghetti and the frying pan gets warmed up, using Podcast Addict on my phone, I start my morning properly with a podcast episode. My favourites at the moment are Raise Your Hand. Say Yes and The Joy Patrol Podcast, but on days where I can't find anything I want to listen to, I'm usually singing this Kacey Musgraves or Chris Stapleton at the top of my lungs.  That gets listened to while I simultaneously empty the dishwasher, make a cup of chai tea and sort my breakfast.

And then it's pretty simple. Podcast gets listened to. Breakfast gets eaten. And life begins to happen for the day.

Why on earth am I telling you all this?

There's a couple of reasons:

1. I'm a huge fan of honesty and being open about real life. There's this notion that everything has to be impressive, and setting an example all the fucking time. And I'm sick of it. So by showing you my not-perfect-but-perfect-for-me morning routine, I want you to feel okay about yours.
2. Because this might not seem like a great morning routine for you, but it seriously works for me. And my mornings started working for me when I started to ignore this idea that each of our mornings have to look, sound and taste a certain way. I struggle with anxiety, and some days, I'm not going to lie, it is hard to get out of bed. So having this simple morning routine helps with that. And I also find listening to a podcast in the morning really helps get my inspiration flowing, my mind working and prepares me for the day.

What does this have to do with you?

Basically this is a really long and roundabout way of saying do whatever works for you. It's permission (because don't we all need to feel like we have permission sometimes?) to do your morning however the fuck works for you.

It's not about making it impressive. It's not about having a CV/resume worthy morning routine.

It's about finding something that works for you, something that gets you inspired, or some days, something that just encourages you and helps you to partake in life.

Adult-ing is hard 

We think that everyone has it all together all-the-fucking-time but they really don't. We all believed that we'd grow up to be this magical adult human that could do all the things. But often we can't. And in a way, I'm glad I don't do all the adult things, because like what I believed when I was a child - adulthood kind of sucks. (By the way, here are 99 things you can do instead of growing up.  Essential reading, I'd say).

I'm a firm believer that courage is an everyday thing. Because life is pretty hard.

So, find a way of doing life that works for you. If that's getting up in the morning and watching Pepper Pig in your underwear while eating porridge with Nutella, then so be it. If it's suiting up, checking how the stocks are doing and calling your PA, then I think you're on the wrong website, goodbye.

You do you boo. And the rest will fall in to place.

Stop Playing It Safe

I could bet you my future wedding with Macklemore/Ryan Gosling that you don't want to be Regular Joe From The Status Quo. Why? Because you're here, you're reading this blog for a start.

I know you want to make a difference. You want to live a wholehearted life. You don't want to be the same as anyone else.

You have dreams bigger than a supersize Big Mac. And that's not ok. That's fucking amazing. The world needs more people like YOU.

But sometimes, like me, you fall into the trap of playing safe.

And let's face it, sometimes it feels good to play safe. It's like being in your granny pants and PJs, wrapped up in bed with your favourite blanket, watching Netflix. You're in your comfort zone, it's familiar, it feels good.  And your inner critic isn't yelling its head off.

But when you play it safe, you're not honing your own skills, your talents, your unique genius that makes you YOU.

It's like making a bacon sandwich and forgetting to put the bacon in.

I'm not just talking about taking big risks like quitting your job tomorrow to move to Nashville and starting your life over as a songwriter (however, you could do just that and it would be awesome).

I'm sick of people talking about taking risks, and them all having a huge financial implications. 

Because there are so many ways you can change you life up, today, that are going to make huge differences to your life, improve your everyday and give you a much more wholehearted life which don't involve blowing your savings, moving halfway across the world or following someone else in blind faith.

What I'm talking about is the steps, you can take today, to enrich your life, put yourself out there in a way which is more bold, more courageous, more YOU. I'm talking about doing the things that set you apart, that make you feel alive and give you a sense of purpose in your life.

And those things could involve:

• starting a novel you've been telling yourself you'll write for the past decade

• sprucing up your wardrobe with bold colours - or even wearing the bold colours you own but you've not been sure of

• making time for your art

• starting a blog

• planning that trip

• learning a new way of using our skills

• volunteering

• starting an Etsy shop

• planning regular dance parties with your friends via Skype

or whatever keeps you up at night wondering and curious.

That's not to say the big risks aren't worth taking. Sometimes they're the only possible outcome when you're stuck in a rut. If I hadn't quit my job, packed up my life, moved in with my to-be-in-laws and started planing and saving for my around the world trip with Mr. Meg, I'd still be sobbing at the bottom of the stairs, scared shitless that my dreams were dying and working in an environment that made feel approximately 1.2 millimetres tall.

But I think as a whole, the world heralds those huge risks and overlooks the everyday things that feel terrifying that can also massively improve your life.

So what's one thing you can do today to stop playing safe? What's one thing that's going to make you feel proud of yourself when you fall asleep tonight?

You can deal with dreamshitters. What you can't deal with is a life un-lived.

The importance of sharing your story

The world is full of people who are sick of hearing the same stories

Full of amazing women like you and me who go to bed feeling completely alone in our struggles because no one is talking about them in a way that feels HUMAN. In a way that feels like us.

I want to live in a world full of stories that show the truth. That show my truth, your truth and Jane down the road's truth. I don't want to live in a world where our views on life, and our tiny moments of insights are saved for a perfect picture on Instagram.

Because, you know what? Not all stories are beautiful, have a happy ending and end up with a picture on Instagram. So many of us are hiding our stories, ashamed, because they stick out, because they're ugly, because they don't fit into the status quo, because we don't see them anywhere we look, and we believe we're completely alone in our struggles.

The patchwork lives of the many are so much more interesting

They're full of rough edges, not quite finished parts, bits that went seriously wrong but we managed to botch together, and things that went well that perhaps we don't talk about enough. They're full of lose strings and lose ends that don't get tied up neatly like the end of a TV series, full of bits that are coming apart at the seams, and full of ridiculously deep colours and memories that somehow, even though completely jumbled up, unexplainably makes sense to us.

Like the time I mispronounced something during a business presentation and ended up shouting vagina. Really loud.

Or the time, aged 14, when I got a toffee got caught up in my brace at the cinema with my best friend, and had to go to the hospital with half my brace hanging out my mouth.

Or the time I found out ten years later, that the my very handsome childhood friend had liked me all along.

Or the time I had such a heavy period during a lecture where were were watching Slumdog Millionaire, that I had to stay behind until everyone had left to sneak out because I'd bled through my jeans. And the chair.

Or the time a cruel boy asked me in front of my English class 'Meg, how does it feel to know you'll never be attractive?" In response I laughed, to take away everyone else's sheer discomfort.

Or the time, the doctor put me on the pill and I put on five stone within a year and stretch marks more complicated than the road system in India.

Your life might not make sense

Mine doesn't. But it's made up of thousands of stories. Thousands of stories that are yours alone. Hundreds of thousands of moments that will never end up on your Facebook feed. Memories that are yours alone.

On a good day, I'd tell you that I wouldn't take one story back for one second. On a not so good day, I'd tell you that there are several things in my life, specifically things that have have happened to other people, that I would take back within a heartbeat.

But these stories?  The ones you laugh about, the ones you hold your head in shame about, the ones that make you feel brave?They set you apart from everyone else. They form your passions, your curiosities, you knowledge, your sense of humour and your sense of self worth. They define you.

Nothing is ever going to be perfect. That's the imperfectly perfect joy of life. Spending your time trying to make it all make sense, trying to be something you're not, or trying to write the next chapter of your story that is 'prettier', is futile.

Stand tall. Own your story. Don't deny the bits you don't like. You can't watch One Tree Hill and deny Uncle Keith's death because you thought it was wrong and devastatingly sad. The entire series wouldn't make sense without it.

The world needs your story

The world is desperate for your story. We all need your story. We need to know the things that make you feel like you're on fire and the monsters that hide under your bed.

Through other peoples stories we start to make sense of ourselves.  And there is always more space for more stories. Because no stories are ever the same and no story is boring.

I can't sum it up more perfectly than Brené Brown: "Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it."

There's a whole book of stories out there, and it's time for you to become the storyteller.

What no one tells you about courage

I'm sat on the sofa, diagonally across from my best friend. We've been talking about recording a podcast episode (all about self care) long enough and today's the day that on a whim we're decided we're going to do it. We've written a list of what we want to talk about, the laptop is set up ready to go, and all that sits between us is the record button, Magic Mike (as my microphone has come to be nicknamed - it is pretty phallic) and one hell of a lot of fear.

I am scared shitless.

My stomach is doing that weird washing machine thing, my chest is just being a bit odd and I want to giggle and cry all at the same time.

All we need to do is start a conversation. And believe me, that's something we're pretty bloody good at.

But with a microphone? Nothing. I'm like a child on their first day of school.

It feels the same way as a trying to go to toilet when you're desperate but your mother in law/boss is in the next cubicle. Awkward, embarrassing and ultimately frustrating.

But I try. My best friend presses the record button. I  grimace, but she starts to talk at ease. She's a natural.

And then she starts to introduce me. Silence. Nothing. Nada. Not even a giggle.

I'm too caught up in my own head - what I sound like, how I don't know if I'll say something stupid, who will hear it - that I'm rendered speechless.

I'm hugely amazed by the proverbial balls my best friend has, for going for it and starting. Because starting is always the hardest.

So we try again

This time I push myself harder, reminding myself that we can easily delete it, that I'm with someone trust implicitly and the only difference between this conversation and the rest of our conversation is an inanimate object.

I close my eyes, and squeeze my thoughts from my brain to my mouth.

And this time, words form and they come out. I'm maintaining good eye contact with my best friend as she gives me reassuring looks and the conversation flows. Because not knowing what to say has never been our problem.

And before long, I'm seriously enjoying myself. I enjoy asking questions, I enjoy hearing her views and above all, I'm ridiculously happy to be a woman, sitting with another woman, sharing our stories and putting them out there in the world. It seems pretty radical. And pretty brave.

Because it is radical. And it is brave. Putting your story and your voice out there is always that way.

But there are so many reasons not to. There are so many reasons to get trapped by fear. That's always going to be the same with any dream you have.

But some point you have the force that voice out of your head and jump.

And stop analysing what's lying in your way. You have to stop looking at the wall you've built between yourself and your dreams and stop giving a label to each brick.

Some of my bricks were about how I've lost confidence and my confidence in my voice. Other bricks were simple labeled 'I am not enough.'

But focusing on the wall isn't going to get you over the wall. And it is 100% A-OK I'd you're not the first one over the wall, or if you have to watch someone else get over it first.

Asking for help, being reassured, and doing it with someone is what life is about. And once you stop thinking you have to do it all on you're own, you'll learn that there's a whole number of people out there who genuinely want to help.

And when you take that leap, you feel scared shitless to start off with, but invincible when you've done it. And there's nothing quite like taking that risk with someone you love.

Take it from me. Courage? It's contagious.

(And addictive!)

!

Guest Post: An Open Letter to Anyone Who’s Ever Had Their Ass Kicked

This is for anyone who knows what it feels like to get your ass kicked and still insists on coming out on the other side more alive, present, whole, and human than you ever dreamed possible. You’re not alone. I get it. To say what you’ve been through “sucks” is a gross understatement and if you’re still pissed about the whole thing, that’s freaking fine. Healing takes time. So does forgiveness. So does growth. Don’t rush yourself. My name’s Heather, I’m a pro blogger, and I write exclusively about dream chasing over on Hiya Tootsie! Writing and cheering on other chicks to jump head first into their passions is my jam. I made up my mind to lead the charge when I decided to leave the personal shit show that was my previous career.

This decision was a true sorry-not-sorry awakening of heart.

To be fair, when I have my good moments of remembrance, the terrible parts were peppered with hallelujahs. But if you’ve stared into the gaping throat of hell in any capacity, you’ll know what I mean when I say it doesn’t always feel worth it. As a former missionary, I don’t think I’m allowed to say that, but I’m also not about to dishonor my story by sugarcoating the truth.

I used to work as an advocate and activist in the porn industry. When women and men were ready to get the hell out, I was part of helping them make the transition. I also worked extensively to educate the often painfully clueless public about the horrific nature of what their porn consumption contributed to.

In my career, I’ve been to 15+ porn conventions, met, befriended, and aided porn star after porn star after porn star, educated hundreds of fans, countless addicts, and more misogynists than I care to shake a stick at, went before lawmakers and health officials, encountered severe sexual trauma, suicide attempts, ER visits, mental hospitals, drug and alcohol addiction, and incessant cover ups.

I was bombarded with personal stories and high def footage of [gratuitous and horrific violence (edited for That Hummingbird Life readers)]. The constant flash of cameras capturing chaos, everyday men with giant smiles labeling it all “exciting,” couples who somehow thought violence and degradation would spice up their sex life, lifeless eyes, voices stuck around the age of 7 because that’s what sells, disease, addiction, and mental illness. I could go on. This is just the little bit I’m comfortable sharing at this point.

It fucking got to me.

And you know what? I’m not sorry for telling the truth, for choosing to use colorful language, or for still being in process. I took an entire year off to attempt to recover. I’m nearly three years out and I still deal with ramifications from the work, only now, to a much lesser degree. I had no idea how to take care of myself and though people prayed and applauded the work, I sure as shit didn’t have folks knocking down my door to ask me how I really was. Looking back, that’s what I needed. But then again, I felt like there was too much I couldn’t talk about and I didn’t actually know how I was until I got out. I had never heard words like vicarious trauma, burnout, compassion fatigue, and adrenal fatigue until long after the fact.

During my full-time healing year, I decided that the only thing I wanted to do was figure out who the hell Heather was again, revive her spirit, and give her room to swing her truth around in wild, raucous joy.

I started practicing self-care – therapy once a week, regular naturopath doctor visits, daily supplements, as much sleep as I needed, prayer, yoga stretching, bubble baths, massage, writing down my feelings, actuallyletting myself feel, practicing strict boundaries, letting go of toxic relationships, diving head first into Brené Brown’s work, and dreaming about what could be next.

All I wanted was a chance to take the girl who just wanted to help people, ended up getting the shit kicked out of her, and encourage her to march to a new beat. Only this time around, I wanted the beat to sound like “human” instead of “warrior.”

I have my degree in words. They call it Professional Writing, but really, it’s just a degree in sheer Word Nerdery. I’ve long believed that the power of life and death is in the tongue, and despite the trauma, this was the major reason my previous career was worth it to me. I learned how to connect with human hearts, story, and speak life into people. That’s all I ever wanted to do and it’s still my constant prayer. The difference now is that I am doing it in a way that honors and includes me.

Hiya Tootsie! is not just a blog. Hiya Tootsie! is a mother effing line in the sand. It represents making it out alive, figuring out how to do human well, not just hanging onto my faith but strengthening it, and carving a path to follow my dreams.

Baby, if I can do it, so can you.

I know a lot of you have been through serious shit. But the shit show does not define you. I didn’t let it define me and you don’t have to either. You have more worth and purpose prancing around inside of you than you’ll ever know what to do with. Who cares if you need to get some healing under your belt? Who the hell doesn’t? You’ve lived. This journey we’re on is about catapulting from survive to thrive and it’s about time we freaking rock it.

The new path will not always be rosy. I can personally attest that there are old landmines here and there along the way. You will get triggered and you will get through it with dignity, grace, and a deeper understanding of your holy, beautiful self. The only difference between your then and your now is that just like me, you’ll get better and better at spotting those landmines long before they have any shot in hell of blowing up your progress.

 Go do what is in you to do.

Your story is what makes you who you are – the great, ugly, heartbreaking, and hilariously triumphant.

We are a sisterhood of badass broads who know that the word badass means “vulnerable” and the word vulnerable means “brave.” So be your vulnerable, brave, badass self. I got my ass kicked and I’m doing it. Show up, prove to me that I’m not alone, and tell me who you are. We’ve got lives to live and dreams to chase.

Let’s rock this shit, kittens.

Heather bio

You can find Heather here: Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

A couragemaker’s guide to navigating the self help world

I’ve ranted a lot lately. About online gurus, about get rich quick schemes, and other bullshit that creates an alluring trap for couragemakers like you and me but ends up with us feeling worse in the long run. Now, believe it or not, the self-help (or as dream chasing as I prefer to call it) and autobiographies sections in my local library are by far my favourite sections. For me, there's something so powerful in someone telling their story, and sharing their dreams, and being vulnerable as hell about where they’ve come from and where they’re going.

That inspires me above all else.

But it’s taken me a while to navigate that whole world and make it work for me.

When you're in a place of quiet desperation, you'll try near enough anything. But when you're in that place of quiet desperation, you're also incredibly vulnerable.

And let’s face it - we all need help sometimes. Whether you're wondering what to do out of college, trying to figure out how to chase your dreams, want to improve a relationship or want to up your confidence, sometimes we need a gentle reminder, or strategies to deal with something we’re going through.

And there’s a whole lot of help out there. Everyone wants to help. Everyone has an opinion. And let’s face it - there are a lot of people want to charge you thousands for things you already know. Some want you to buy into (quite literally), their way of doing things.

It’s a messy world.

As it stands right now, on Amazon UK, there are 405,108 books in the Mind, Body, Spirit section. In the kindle store, there are  253,342 e-books in the Self Help/Counselling section. That’s just books. That doesn’t include the thousands of self-help podcasts, the hundreds of thousands of life coaches online, or the thousands of YouTube clips on self-help.

Wow.

That’s a whole load of people with a whole load of different opinions on how they can improve your life. They have conflicting viewpoints, conflicting methods, and conflicting promises. But they all have something in common. They want to help you.

But where on earth do you turn to? Who can you trust?

That’s where these questions come into it. Answer them, and you’ll find a much better tactic of finding help that’s suited to you than just picking up the latest bestseller.

When you’re finished, you’re going to have a better idea of what you want, how you want it and what works for you. (Me? Ryan Gosling, on the kitchen table. Thanks.)

So, let’s get started!

What do you actually need?

What are you dealing with? And what do you actually need?

When you're looking for help (this also applies to when moaning to a friend about something), you generally want one of the following:

• Permission - and confidence to do something.

• Reassurance - that things will work out, that we’re a good person, that everything will work out okay in the end

• Confirmation - that you’re doing the right thing and you’re making the right decision

• Understanding and knowledge - you want to get down to the root cause of it. Knowledge is power!

• Actionable steps - easily laid out things you can do to get your where you want.

Figuring out what you need makes it a lot easier to find what you’re looking for. It’s also an excellent way of cutting out a lot of the shit!

What qualifies them to help YOU?

I used to trust easily and I used to be pretty naive.

Now things are different. I know that not everyone who says they want to help genuinely wants to help. Some are more motivated by money, and some bring absolutely no experience and aren’t qualified on any level to help.

The way I see it, if I’m going to take my vulnerabilities anywhere, I want to know that they know their shit, that I can trust the information I’ll receive. I want to be respected and I want to feel safe.

That’s why I recommend creating a quick mental criteria that someone has to meet (whether they’re an author, podcaster, or a coach you’re hiring) that they have to meet. My criteria might look differently to yours, but it looks a little something like this:

1. They have to have experience with what they’re dealing with. They have to be brave in sharing their story and respect that others are being courageous in just seeing help.

2. They have to be passionate about their subject area, and not just see it as a quick money-making scheme

3.They have to be realistic about what they’re promising.

4. Credentials and initials don’t mean shit unless they have the experience to back it up. Now, when I’m in the library, I flick straight to the about the author section before checking out a book. I want to know who the are to help me, and whether we’re a good match. Make your criteria, and stick to it!

What are they promising?

I’ve said this before, as have many people, and I’ll say it again. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

If you’re struggling with your weight, if someone is promising you a bikini body in 6 weeks, it’s probably bullshit.

If you’re struggling with relationships and someone is promising you the perfect partner in 12 simple steps, it’s definitely bullshit. It’s a bit of a balancing act: having realistic expectations for yourself, and finding someone who can help on those expectations.

What works for you?

We all find motivations in different ways, and we all take things on board via different means. For me, I love podcasts and things that are very action oriented. The more practical the better for me. But we’re all different.

Do you like workbooks? Do you like practical exercises that gently take you outside your comfort zone and put what you’re learning into practice? Do you like working with someone 1:1?

Does the idea of sitting with someone and chatting it through sound like hell to you? Do you prefer reading a book or listening to an audiobook/podcast in the comfort of your own home with some privacy? Do you get motivated through watching?

It’s all about YOU. There is no right and wrong.

And I think where people go wrong when wanting to make a change in their lives, is buying into something that was never going to work for them in the first place.

Spend some time working out what works for you, and then when it comes to sorting shit out and making your life work for you, you’re more likely to find something that is actually effective. And a last couple of things on the topic:

Please, judge a book by its title

Perhaps you’re struggling because you’re single and you think your self-confidence is holding you back. Let me tell you, a book called something like ‘Little Black Dress: Why you’re still single and sitting on the shelf’ isn’t going to help you.

You don’t need to be shamed into changing. You don’t want to be told what you’re apparently doing wrong.

Chances are, you’re not doing anything wrong, and reading a book that makes you feel more shit about yourself is only going to feed your anxiety and problem. Nor is a book titled ‘Fat Pig: adventures in greed, rejection and flab’ going to help you with body issues.

And if you’ve picked up a book called '10  Short Steps To Success, Riches and Happiness', I think you know what I’m going to say.

Protect yourself

When you’re looking for help, chances are you’re in a vulnerable place. Look after yourself. Only give your heart to people you trust not to crush it.

Give yourself time, space, and celebrate the shit out of your small wins.

And finally, and perhaps most importantly...

Sometimes you don’t need anyone else. You have more wisdom than you know inside yourself. Ask yourself  the question you want answered, listen hard for the answer, and trust yourself.

You matter, you’re the expert on your life, after all.

I’d love to hear what you think - let me know in the comments!

The Online Gurus You Don't Want To Listen To

I want to tackle the controversy of online gurus. You know, the people online who have millions of followers and tell you that you can be happy, if you just choose to be happy - and then wealth will follow! And you just need to do this one little thing, and you'll basically be Bill Gates! Yep, them.

It seems like everyone has become an expert. Especially online. I wrote a post earlier this week about the bullshit that lies behind how apparently 'easy' it is to make 6 figures online.

(It also seems like my tolerance for bullshit has lowered)

So, if you keep finding yourself falling in the trap and in with the hype (I know I sometimes do), or you're unsure of who to listen to, here's a quick reminder of the online gurus you don't want to listen to.

1. The people who say there is only one way of doing things

There are many ways, and there are no definitive right or wrong ways. Instead, look for things that feel right for you and follow them. Don't feel ashamed that you're doing something differently. Different is good!

2. The people who actively judge others or think they’re stupid for doing other things

A Brené Brown quote comes to mind when I think of this: “You cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviors.” If someone thinks you're stupid for doing something, screw them. They don't deserve to be in your life

3. People who just chat shit about money

Another saying comes to mind here: if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. And the people that only chat about money? Generally speaking, they're not the people who are going to teach you to build a purpose driven life/business that helps others. They're just about making money. And making money isn't a bad things - heck, we all need it. But it can't all just be about making all the money, all the time.

4. People who claim that overnight success is a thing, or it’s easy working for yourself

This really pisses me off. What you don't see behind these people who claim to have 'overnight success' is the years of hard work, and the blood, sweat and tears that have gone into this (or, perhaps cynically, the blood, sweat and tears of the people they've outsourced to). I don't know what it is about the online world and not showing the efforts it takes to get from A to B. Either way, this fairytale 'and then it just happened and I became rich and happily ever after' is a myth. Don't buy into it. It'll just make you feel shit.

5. People who make you feel bad. Period

Again, going back to the Brené Brown quote, shame isn't going to make someone change their behaviour. It can bring on self-destructive behaviours, or make you give your life savings (if you have them) to someone who bullies you into buying their product, making a gazillion promises they can't keep. Instead, work on setting good boundaries and remember that you're an amazing person and no one has the right to tell you otherwise.

6. People who make you feel shit about what you’ve done so far and suggest their way, is THE ONLY way

Girl. Seriously. What you've done so far is epic and you don't need those fools. Be proud of what you've done, go celebrate.

7. People who don’t have problems

This is a HUGE one for me. Everyone has problems. Rich people, poor people, those in-between. We all have problems. I get so angry when I look at people at the top-level of their niche, and they're flouncing around having this perfect life and everything is so wonderful and nothing bad ever happens. I get that not everyone wants to declare their problems/issues to the world, but damn we've all got them. Admitting you struggle makes you human. Showing the not so exciting and not so colourful parts of life makes us remember that we're all in this hot mess of human-ness together. Don't trust the people who tell you they have it all figured out. They don't.

HOWEVER

That's not to say that there aren't loads of people online you could learn from, or who could add massive value to your life.

I love blogs and podcasts. I love learning from other people. I love learning and listening to people who are full of passion, flaunt their human-ness and want to see other people fly.

The people worth listening to are:

People who hold similar values to yourself

People who don't shy away from their back story

People who own their struggles and share them

You know more than you think you do. You don't need someone else to tell you how to succeed. You don't need a guru to make your life better. Chances are, what you need is to start believing in yourself, to surround yourself with people who make you feel alive, and to take the pressure off yourself a bit.

You, my friend, are doing great.

An Open Letter to Fellow Couragemakers Who Have Lost All Hope In The World

Dear fellow Couragemakers,

It's pretty hard not to think that we're all fucked.

As the empathisers, the carers, the world shakers, we know how it works. We know how much of the world is held up by misogyny, racism, class war, ablism and homophobia. While we strive to make the world a brighter place, we're reminded every day just how much injustice and oppression we're fighting.

But behind our rage, our disappointment and perhaps our indifference, lies a bigger danger. A loss of hope.

The same loss of hope that can lead to despair, depression, and total burnout. We can start to feel like we've become disillusioned and we've lost our purpose.

And that's completely normal. Especially with such a build up, so much uncertainty, and with the news and political parties installing fear into every essence of our being

But seriously, it doesn't have to be that way.

Being burnt out isn't a trophy of your hard work. It doesn't justify your work as an activist, and it certainly isn't a measure of how much you care.

It's a call that you need to start looking after yourself, and regain your strength.

Turn off the news. Go off grid. Do something completely unrelated. Find whatever it is that takes you outside of the activist realm and gives you peace, and go do it.

That doesn't mean that you won't start again tomorrow, next week or next year. You're not giving up on the the world. It doesn't mean you don't care about the world.

It simply means you acknowledge that before you can help others, you need to help yourself first. You need to replenish yourself, regain your strength, and find a way to keep grounded in what's important to you, as well as the cause.

And the great thing about that?

You start to see your own wellbeing on the same level as the cause. And as a result of that, you start playing a more important role in the cause. You start to bring a new perspective, and action that only you can bring.

And it starts to become sustainable. You can impact change in a measured way, that doesn't drain you or demoralise you.

You can bring more joy into your life, amongst the trauma and the pain.

You can start to feel good, amongst the shit and quit feeling bad about that.

You can change the people around you, who will change the people around them, and then slowly, you begin to change the world.

One person, one mindset at a time.

Change doesn't always have to come in the form of a political upheaval, especially if that system isn't rigged to work anyway.

Change can come from deciding to share more positivity with those closest from you. From deciding to make sure you use community facilities, and encouraging your friends to do the same.

Change can come from picking up shopping for your next door neighbour when you go out. From making an effort to welcome new people into your community.

Change can happen from a smile.

We spend so much time focusing on the end goal that we become depleted and detached.

What if the end goal was to impact the world by becoming the best person you can be, to be a positive influence to those closest to you , in the faith that it'll rub off on them and the cycle will continue?

So wherever you are, whatever you're fighting for, take the time now to take care of yourself.

Because that's truly the best thing you can do for the world in the long run.

Yours,

A fellow fighter

peace-outline

Confessions of an emotionally wounded activist

I've hesitated a lot before writing this post. Partly because it's been in my head for such a long time I'm worried about getting it out right. Partly because it's so hard to talk about. Mostly though, because I've been scared to face up and own the truth.

I'm going to start right back to the beginning, but first I just want to make something clear.

This isn't a rallying cry to stop people from going into activism or becoming an activist, or working for a cause they believe in. It's my honest account of how activism and the charity world has changed me. We all need the people who were born to set the world alight, but in hindsight, I wish I'd gone into the storm braced with the right gear, the right footwear and a bit of prior warning.

Always an activist

There are many people out there who were born to set the world alight, but we need to start treating ourselves better and each other better to really be the change we wish to see.

I always knew I wanted to 'change the world'. At school, when most other people in my class wrote their debate piece for English Lit on boxing and fox-hunting, I wrote piece on ending the sex trafficking of children. While other people used creative writing time to write about holidays they'd been on, I was writing about domestic abuse, mental health issues and self harm. I was always an activist.

A need to change things

It all came from an innate feeling deep inside of me that wanted to change things, and understand how these deep injustices could be changed.

Now, I've written here before about changing the world and how it's come to mean different things to me over the years. But that desire for change has always been there.

Like many many people reading this, I'm a natural carer. I'm self-aware and all too aware of the feelings of others. I've spent much of my life putting other people first and neglecting myself in the name of 'helping others'. I've ignored my own mental health issues, used food as a coping strategy and just 'soldiered on'.

In my head, injustice has always gone hand in hand with a million-miles-an-hour need to shake shit up and improve things.

I go from empathy, to anger, to a desperate need to change things.

It really is no surprise that I ended up heavily involved in the world of activism.

By the age of 18, I was marching the streets in a protest to make streets safe for women at night, lying in the middle of main roads to protest cuts to disability benefits, writing articles about injustices done to women all over the world, coordinating feminist festivals and shouting (and singing) as loud as I could.

The elephants in the room

But here's the things they don't mention when you get into activism as a way of life. The things that aren't being spoken about but everyone's thinking.

1.The guilt of not being able to do enough, or change things enough. Oh the guilt, the endless guilt

2. The fact that you will be continually slapped in the face with further injustice, which makes any successes seem pale in the comparison

3.The amount you will be relied upon as a passionate person with a never-ending supply of energy

4.That to really feel like you're getting somewhere, and feel like you're doing your bit for the cause, you have to put the rest of your life on hold. Either that or the rest of your life need to be related to ending said problem. Bye bye self-care. Hello burnout.

5.Sometimes the people around you just don't get it, and that can make you really angry. When you're totally involved and they don't seem to care, it can cause rifts, resentments, and just problems.

I also can't deny how leading a march with rally cries behind me was exhilarating, how there were days when I couldn't sleep because my mind was brimming with creative ideas and ways to change things, how I felt like I had found my purpose, and how fucking good it felt to feel part of a community.

Tales of an (emotionally) wounded activist

But for those highlights, I put my whole self, and sanity on the line.

And when you get into actually working for the cause, it's a different ball game altogether.

Especially when you're working somewhere where people are burnt out but feel too much guilt to leave, where staff can't be truly appreciated because of the sheer demands of funding and stress at management level and where you end up de-sensitized to the cause you're trying to fight because that's the only way you can get up in the morning.

And especially when you start working in a paid capacity for the cause at a very young age and you enter wide-eyed and eager only to leave feeling like you're a shell of the person you started out as.

I don't mean this to sound bitter, I'm writing this post with the earnest aim of being honest but I can't hide the ugly stuff.

Becoming broken

In the past year and a half, I haven't been able to go to a protest/march without feeling like a piece of me is being torn apart. And for the last year, when I can, I've stopped going. I've stopped associating with people who were a large part of that life. I have just wanted out.

When I get involved with any of it, it's just too painful. It reminds me of what could have been and how I really felt like I'd found my life calling, and brings the truth too close to home.

Part of me feels broken now. I feel like I've been shattered, and I'm trying to put the pieces together, but there's no instructions, there's no guide of what it's meant to look like.

I feel like I've lost a huge part of my identity.

I know so many awful things are happening in the world, and it's just easier to look away. Sometimes, I get trapped into thinking that I'm apathetic, that I just don't care anymore.

But I do, and most of the time I'm too afraid to admit it. It's just a hell of a lot easier to put it at the back of my mind and just let it go.

See, when you break something, or something becomes broken, there are usually 3 reactions.

1. To put it back together, in the same way as before

or

2.Find someone or something to blame.

3.Walk away.

I've done all three.

Putting myself back together in the same way hasn't worked, and I don't want it to work. I can't be in that space, so I need to make a new space.

Finding someone to blame provides an outlet, but it doesn't let things go. Sure, I'm really angry about a lot of things that have happened, I'm angry at specific people, and I'm angry that I'm left feeling like this. But at the end of the day, there's no one thing or person to blame. And I don't want to spend my life absorbed in bitterness.

Walking away has helped the most though. Choosing to leave was a fucking brave thing to do, and a bit ridiculous when you look at how rare it is to find permanent work in specialist areas, but it was the right decision.

If nothing else, I know the bright-eyed version of me before all of this would be seriously disappointed in me if I continued to work and fight with a lack of passion, and two flying fucks.

A new story

So instead, I've taken the time to work on my own stuff. I've worked hard to find a new voice and a new story. Of course, That Hummingbird Life is a big part of this new story for me. So is taking the time to have fun, doing creative things and enjoying things without feeling guilty.

I've learned the hard way that you can't change the world, or change anything for that matter if you can't help yourself first.

It's been a long road, and I'm not ready to leave the pain behind just yet. There's a lot I have to share that can be of immense value. There are so many things I wish I knew, and so many things I know now that I want to share about changing the mindset of activists before they get burnt.

And I will, but it's going to take time.

I just hope, that if you're one of the many people working hard to change things, to change the world in however you make sense of the phrase, that you stop to take time for yourself and enjoy the good things in your life. Like the people around you, sunny days and songs that make you feel alive.

Not just appreciating and feeling grateful for the good things in your life in due regard to acknowledge your privilege. But actually holding on to them with two hands and not letting them go.

Because at the end of the day, two of the most basic human needs is connection and the need to feel valued.

Don't let that go, or sacrifice that for anyone, or anything.

10 ways to make doing things that suck, suck less

We've all got things we don't like doing - things that suck. For me, it's bad attitude, washing up, getting up early, changing the bins, and being late. Generally speaking, we get over it.

Then there's some things that are just really shit. They might be a one-off, or don't happen that regularly like having a meeting with your boss that you know probably isn't going to great, supporting people you love through illness, or making decisions that you really don't want to.

Let's face it - everyone has their own definition of shit - what may be my worst nightmare may be just something you do in your day-to-day life.

And that's the way it should be, because we're all different. (Judging people based on whether their shit compare to your shit isn't ok hthough.).

Having things you can do to deal with the shit helps. It helps us get through situations that really suck, and builds our internal resilience.

So, today I'm sharing things that can buffer situations that suck, and ways to look after yourself in the process.

Because it's all about self-care y'all know!

1. Bubble wrap the thing that sucks

Think of the thing that really sucks as being a fragile item. To some extent it has to be there, but that doesn't mean that it needs to be exposed to all the elements. With that in mind, bubble wrap the experience with nice things that don't need much mental focus.   Before said shit thing, get a good night's sleep and have a hearty breakfast. After, plan a night in binge watching your favourite TV show, or reading a book.

2. Get some space and perspective

Too often, we get bogged down and the things we don't want to do become all-encompassing and they begin to blind side us. That's why taking some time our to get perspective is so helpful. For me, that means going to sit by the river near by my house, on my favourite log and just staring at the water and watching the ducks. It reduces my anxiety and reminds me of all the good things, and plans for the future. Whatever peace means for you, go try and get some before you embark on the rest of the day.

3. Get stuck in a good book

There's nothing like a page turner to get you out of your world and transport you somewhere far away. Say you've got a meeting that you're really dreading and know it's next week - a couple of days before, spend some time picking a book and getting really into it. A good book has got me out of the foulest moods many a time, and I really recommend it!

4. Phone a friend

Sometimes the thing we fancy doing the least is the thing that will help the most. Friends are there for the good and the bad, and it's okay to ask for help or for a listening ear. Ring up a close friend and talk it out with them. It's not about finding a solution, it's just about letting off some steam and getting support.

5. Put on your favourite music

Plug your headphones in and let them do the work. Choose music that makes you feel good, or you find cathartic, turn it up loud and let is carry you away. Sometimes this is all we need!

6. Have space for reflection

I'm of the belief that often the best learning curves and lessons come from the things that weren't great. And taking the time to reflect and think of lessons that can be learned from an experience can be great for dealing with future experiences.

7. Own your feelings, not anyone else's

We can only be responsible for how we feel, and that's something really worth remembering during shit times. How other people choose to respond is up to them. By putting in place those boundaries, we're less likely to feel powerless, and more likely to be able to cope ourselves. Just know that in every given moment, you're doing the best you can.

8. Remind yourself why you're doing it

Really go back to basics. Grab a pen and paper and write a list of the reasons why you're doing it. Keep yourself grounded by looking at your list before said shit things that put things into perspective. Sometimes we get the greatest gains out of doing things we don't want to do, and it's worth making sure the table is balanced.

9. Do something you really love

When faced with not so great situations, do something that makes you come alive. Think of things you absolutely love doing, and make time for them. I've written before on my blog about why we don't make time for doing the things we love. Make that time now.

10. Celebrate when it's all over

I'm all about celebrating small wins and finding closure to situations. It's more than making yourself feel good - it's about being proud of yourself for getting through it, and knowing you can get through hard stuff in the future. Go treat yourself to something, go somewhere you've been wanting to go and just celebrate yourself.

So there we have it, 10 things you can do to make doing things that suck, suck less. If you've got suggestions, I'd love to hear them below in the comments!

And remember, if all else fails, remember:

"No fim, tudo dá certo. Se não deu, ainda não chegou ao fim."Translation: "In the end, everything will be ok. If it's not ok, it's not yet the end.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin