7 ways to manage your self-sacrificing guilt issues

If you've ever heard yourself saying, or thinking... 'But I'd feel bad if I didn't'

'I feel so guilty if I take time for myself'

'Looking after myself is so selfish when there are other people less fortunate than me!'

Then, this one's definitely for you!

The problem with guilt is that it's such a motivating factor. Think about it, we start diets after Christmas because we feel guilty about eating and drinking too much. (Well, personally I don't feel guilt around this, but I know enough people who do). When we've let a friend down, we usually go out of our way to make it up to them, motivated partly by guilt. When we say no and see the puppy dog eyes, or hear the disappointment in their voices, we feel guilty, and our timid no becomes an overbearing yes.

But there are two main types of guilt. Healthy guilt, and unhealthy guilt.

Healthy guilt - I just dropped my sister's baby and I haven't told her.

Unhealthy guilt - I just spent all day helping a friend and she wants me to go with her to this thing she doesn't want to go to on her own. I really don't want to go but I'm going to feel so guilty if I don't go, because I'll have let her down.

What we're looking at in this post is the unhealthy guilt that pokes its head up when we want to say no. It brings with it a set of obligations and expectations. And as passionate women who want to make meaningful change in the world, we often place our obligations and expectations on ourselves and they're sometimes unrealistic.

Other times they're expectations placed on us because we like to present an image of ourselves which is indestructible and super-woman like. 

But sometimes, let's be honest, people just flat out take the piss out of our good nature. You know what they say, if you need something done, ask a busy person.

And guilt, it can be such a physical thing. It can drive you to feeling really ill, it eats away at you, and we often think that we won't get rid of it until we do the very thing we feel guilty about not doing.

Talk about a vicious cycle.

And here's the thing. Guilt traps us. It keeps us in a perpetual cycle of stuckness between fighting to be a good person, and going with what we really think/want.

Good person tug (that sounded so much less wrong in my head): Even though I really don't want to, if I do it, then that will really help them. I'd feel so bad if I didn't.

What we really think tug: I'm exhausted, I can't do anything more for anyone. I just want to go home, have peace and quiet and just be left alone for a bit. Oh, but I'll feel really guilty if I don't do it.

Guilt tug:  No, I have to do it. I might not want to, but it's the right thing to do, and I can't just say no because I'm exhausted, that would make me really selfish. 

Hence guilt usually wins in a battle between our want to be a good person, and what we really need.

As passionate people, and especially as passionate people who want to change the world for the better, we've got high expectations, firm principles and a moral code which we abide.

And as women, I think it's fair to say traditionally, we're used to putting our needs last. We're used to making sure everyone and everything else is okay before we take our own slice.

If you fuse those together, you've got the perfect recipe for a guilt martini.

So, what can I do about it, I hear you say. Well here's some pointers/excercises you can apply to your own situation, but first of all, I just want to make an aside.

There are numerous articles out there that tell us to simply let go of guilt, like it's that easy. Bullshit. If it was that easy, therapists would be out of a job, we'd all be doing what we fucking well liked, and we probably wouldn't burn out in the first place. Guilt isn't something that goes overnight, but with work and understanding, we can start to manage it and transform it.

So here goes:-

1. Acknowledge guilt for how heavy it feels and how much it has to do with our mindset. By acknowledging that mindset shifts take a long time, and rewiring our brains takes a lot of work, takes the overwhelming pressure to get it sorted right now.

2. Watch out for when guilt shows up - when we become more aware of when we feel guilt, we can start to identify what kind of things trigger it. Is there a theme? Is it to do with work? Is it to do with particular family members? Looking out for it and identifying what triggers it goes a big way in terms of understanding it. And when you understand it, you can try to adapt it.

3. When you start to feel guilty, take yourself out of the situation. What I mean by that, is run through the situation as if it was a problem one of your best friends came to you with. What would you say to them? Would they need to feel guilty?And try and take your own advice. This is a great exercise for seeing for yourself just how high the expectations you place on yourself are.

4. Find or create something that reminds you of how good a person you are, because you really are! Whether it's a list of things you've done that make you feel good, or a keepsake someone has given you, keep hold of it when the guilt sets in and let that pull you out of the vicious cycle.

5. Take some time for yourself, and when you're better rested, think about it again. Chances are you may have changed perspective after giving yourself time to replenish and rejuvenate.

6. Say fuck it, and move on. More about this approach to life in a blog post to come, but for now, let me tell you, those two words work wonders for all situations.

Next time someone asks you something and you desperately want to say no, but yes is on the tip of your tongue (because guilt has set in), take a couple of seconds and just breathe. Ask yourself is this really what you want?

If not, politely decline, don't go overboard telling the person you'll make it up to them (cue more guilt at a later date) and follow your gut.

After all, like someone wise once told me, 'If you can't look after yourself, how are you going to be able to help anyone else?'

It's not arrogant or selfish to put yourself first. Remember that.

This one word could change everything

As passionate women who are committed to making an impact in the world, we tend to say yes a shitload more than we say no.

Imagine:

1. A colleague asks you if you could do a bit of extra work as they won't get round to it and they've got a really important deadline to meet. You've always got on really well with this person on a personal level, but this isn't the first time they've asked. You wanted to get home normal time because you've had a really long week and it's the one night of the week where you have the house/flat to yourself. You can nearly hear that book calling you from your bedside table. But you know if you do that piece of work, it'll be great for your company, and it really doesn't take much.

2, A friend asks you last minute if you can have a quick look over a letter they're writing. You're rushing out of the house and need to get going, but you love your friend, and know it won't take long. You don't want to be late to dinner with your sister, but you're sure she'll understand when you explain it. Everyone usually does, afterall!

Let's say you say yes to both your colleague and your friend. Despite being completely different scenarios, there are two things that are happening here.

1) You technically could do it

2) You're putting their needs ahead of your own.

Technically, you could stay around to do that extra bit of work, or read over that letter for your friend. It probably wouldn't take you that long, and sometimes the end justifies the means right? Both are possible, feed into your image of being a good person (no offence, I'm completely with you here), and are pretty easy.

But let's throw a couple of other scenarios into the pot as well.

Technically you could create a pair of wings, go jump off a building and try to fly.

Technically, you could eat your body's weight in chocolate,

Technically, you could sell your left foot on the black market.

But it doesn't mean you're going to. You I could do all of those things, but it doesn't mean you should. They would end in a great result, to say the least!

The difference between the situation? Acknowledging the difference between could and should.

Let's shake shit up. Technically you could do it, but that doesn't mean you have to/should do it. 

Here's the thing. When you say yes for the reason that you could do it because it is possible, your needs go further and further down the list. It's only something little, you tell yourself.

But when you add all of those little things together, including the energy and time, that leaves very little left for you.

They add up.

So here are some things to try out:

1) Most important, life changing tip - replace your shoulds with coulds

2) Deliberately say no to one thing that you could do, but you don't want to (for whatever reason).

3) Watch and monitor how people react when you say no. Is it what you expected, and how does that make you feel?

I don't know about you, but when I replace should with could, life feels a bit lighter. I feel like I have more choices, I feel like I'm a bit more free.

What a noisy hamster can teach you about escaping

I’ve been looking after my sister’s hamster for the last week. While being a zippy little thing and quite cute, she also has a problem. All she's been focused on is escaping.

And I mean that’s all she wants to do. I’ve had hamsters before, and yeah, they’ve all chewed the bars and driven me mad in the middle of the night in their squeaky wheels in what looks like an effort to get the heck out of there as fast as they can. But nothing like this little thing.

And she’s so nearly there! She knows where to pull the bars to get the door open, she’s just missing it by one bar!

In between wanting to open the cage and let her out myself because the noise is so infuriating, I started thinking.

We all want to escape at times

Whether it’s a job you don’t like, a need for a holiday now! or simply needing to get out and get some space to breathe.

And sometimes, like the hamster, we just miss an opportunity, or we’re not poking in the right place.

Sometimes we get so close and it just doesn’t work out.

Here’s my thinking - if you want to escape bad enough, you probably could. I mean, the ways you could go about it might not be a choice that you'd choose to make, but there are probably options.

But sometimes, like the furry thing, we spend so much time trying to change things in a way that just doesn’t work. 

We can see it’s not working, but if we try hard enough, it’s going to work out, dammit. Right?

No.

At some point we need to change strategy.

Sometimes we need to change our tactics. Sometimes we need to take a risk and trust things will work out.

Exercise

So, if you’re struggling with needing to escape right now, get out a pen and paper and do a spider diagram of everything you can think of to change the situation/get out of the situation.

Include the ridiculous, include the downright impossible, because these might just hold or hint to the solution you’ve been looking for.

Include everything, and once you’ve got a wide range of options, only cross off what is physically impossible (including things you wish you could do, but can’t do right now because it would jeopardise your health, say for example taking on more hours when you’re at your limit).

Once you’ve done that, properly think on all of the ideas you have left. Do it with a friend, do it with a family member. Don’t cross off anything until you’re 120% sure it won’t work.

See what comes up for you, and you might just find that escape plan you’ve been looking for. 

I'd love to hear how you get on in the comments!

You are worth more than your to-do list!

Got a to-do list on the go? Got it with you right now? Good.

Now rip it up.

I’m being serious.

Rip it up, just today.

You are more than your to-do list. You are more than the sum of everything you have to do today.

If, and only if, the world will end if you don’t do the items on your to do list, pick just three.

You are here, you are alive and you have hopes and dreams.

Living your life, means exactly that. Living it.

Being present, living in the moment and experiencing things.

Go do something that makes you feel alive.

Decision making 101 - heart vs logic

When was the last time you made a decision for yourself without relying on others? For some, that might not even be an issue, for others, it’s a bit of a wake up call.

Giving decisions away

I have always relied on others to help me make decisions. I find big decisions scary, and have always asked people around me for their ten cents (or twenty, hell, maybe a dollar). I can recall plenty of times where I would have happily given the decision for someone else to make, just for it to be out of my hands, and for the decision to be made dammit. This was the case when deciding whether to quit a job, change courses and get my adorable house rabbits.

In the past, I’ve got myself so het up trying to make decisions that I’ve ended up feeling sick, and becoming truly obsessive. I’m like a girl with a one track mind (minus the filth).

If you spoke to me on any given day a  couple of years ago and asked me what my gut feeling was, it would have gone something like this:

‘I think I know what I should do, but what if a happens. What is b doesn’t happen. What about c? What do you think?’

‘I shouldn’t do it. There. I’ve made my decision’. A couple of minutes later ‘Nope, I’m going to do it, ahhhh I don’t know what to do’

Hence the need to rely on others in making decision.

But here’s the thing. When you start relying on others to help you make decisions, they’re not your decisions. This may seem obvious, and it is, but there are a  myriad of underlying factors that I didn’t realise while running to other people:

1. The only person that has your best interests at heart is you

It doesn’t matter how much someone loves you, or does for you, at the end of the day, the person who cares most about what happens to you is yourself. I’m not being mean, I’m telling you the truth. Hence the best person to make decisions in your life really is you.

2. The people you turn to may have their own motives

Hard to admit but sometimes true. And they might not even realise it.

3. Your self esteem

Take a minute to think about the internal messages you’re sending to yourself when you’re looking to other people to (help) make decisions for you. You’re telling yourself ‘I can’t do this on my own’, ‘I don’t trust myself to make a good decision’ and ‘Other people have more control over my life’. These aren’t good messages.

4. Dependency culture

If you get to the point where you can’t make a decision without phoning a friend (or using a lifeline - kudos if you got the reference), you become dependent on other people. Power within relationships becomes reinforced and that doesn’t make for a healthy relationship.

But we don’t think of them. We focus on how much better it is to have more people involved in the decision making process. Maybe there is even some relief, that if it doesn’t work out, you’re not the only one to blame (or so you may tell yourself).

I’m not advocating for all decisions to be made by yourself all the time.

I’m advocating for trust in yourself.

[Tweet " You know how to make good decisions for yourself."]

Exercise

If that sounds all good and well but you’ve got no idea how to go about it, try these on for size:

•   Set a timer-  there’s a great quote that says that every problem can be solved in 15 minutes. Next time you’re stuck, set a timer, apply the below and see where it gets you.

•   Make a decision and don’t go back on it, (if it feels right.) Sometimes our decisions aren’t logical. Sometimes, what may logistically work out, is the very thing we try to avoid. (For example, let’s say I want to make money. It may make logical sense to climb the corporate ladder in a job I don’t enjoy. That’s just not going to work for me, because I value my time a lot more than I value money). The heart usually wins over the mind.

•   Pros & Cons list - good old fashioned two column list works like a treat, just be sure to remember that some points are worth more than others, so tallying each side up and seeing which one is the highest doesn’t always work.

•   What makes you feel good? As long as you’re not exploiting others, this is often the best to go with.

[Tweet "Living a whole hearted and heart centred life starts with trusting yourself."]

You, and only you are the expert in your life.

You know what makes you happy, you know what makes you want to scream, and what sends you running for your duvet.

Friends & families are important and they do matter when it comes to the big decisions, but when you’re making a decision to make your life more [insert your own adjective here], you’re the only one that can make the decision and get it right.

How to deal with dreamshitters (or when to tell people to fuck off)

Some people are just dreamshitters, soul crushers and downright mean.* I think you know who I’m talking about.

That friend who patronises your ideas and points out all the flaws in any plan before you’ve even finished your sentence. The teachers, the older relatives who want you to just be realistic. Or the people who like to shout you down and give their opinions for no reason.

Whether you’re starting out, trying something new or just going about your daily life, people just love to criticise.

This post isn’t about becoming sympathetic to where their issues are coming from. It’s not about enhancing empathy skills or practicing loving kindness.

It’s a gentle reminder of when to tell people to fuck right off.

So let’s take a look at the three main groups of dreamshitters and possible solutions.

1. The Helpers

These are people who might genuinely have our best interests at heart and may even have no awareness as to what they’re doing. This is an important group, because it’s often this group that are closer to us, and often the people we turn to support for when we’re in our hour of need or feel like giving up. Now, there is a certain level of understanding there, but something much stronger and important needs to be in place as well. Boundaries. It’s perfectly ok to change conversation, refuse to talk about any plans you may have, and brush off comments. But if they continue to belittle and undermine your dreams, it’s ok to tell them to fuck off.

2. The Know-It-All

These are the people who have seen and done everything that life has to offer (hell, they’ve even got the matching pants). These are the not-quite-acquaintances who seem to have experience on a myriad of life pursuits and feel the need to make judgements on every aspect of your lifestyle. You know the ones - ("I remember the time when I…." or "Really? You’re thinking of doing that? I remember when…"). Those. Cutting them off short and leaving the conversation is a good idea. Alternatively, it’s ok to tell them to fuck off.

DREAM SHITTERS WEB

3. The Shitters

Oh these people just love to spoil your fun. They’re quite happy to make a comment, carry on with the rest of their day and not give you a second thought. A shout out goes to the online trolls and the people in the street who feel you need to hear a running commentary of how you look today. (A particular shout out to the man on the bike today who felt the need to make his opinion of my breasts known to me while I was sitting on a bench by the river. He may or may not have inspired this post.) These are the sad people who get their kicks from humiliating people in public. Depending on the situation, it’s ok to tell them to fuck off - it may help or exasperate the situation. Flipping the bird is also an option.

Many people don’t chase after their dreams. There are billions of reasons why.

But for many people, it comes down to one main thing.

Chasing your dreams is fucking scary. The fact that you’re even considering it puts you lightyears in front of the general population.

Let alone if you act on them.

So, stand tall, hold your head up and be proud.

Whoever you are, whatever you’re doing, no matter you dream, don’t let the shitters get you down, not matter how much they are just trying to help.

*I do not take credit for ‘dream shitters’. This gem comes from Jo Tucker of http://jo-tucker.com

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should

I recently had the (un)pleasant experience of travelling to Glasgow via a Megabus Sleeper Service, and, in my pursuit to find a silver lining in the situation (I had seven and a half hours), I learned a valuable life lesson.

There are things that are possible in life. There are things that are pleasant in life. There are things that are worth doing in life. This wasn’t one of them.

While lying on my side in a double bed with a stranger (who turned out to be quite nice), not much bigger than one of my rabbit’s hutch’s, it struck me:

Just because you can fit around 50 people in ‘beds’, on a coach, doesn’t mean you should.

Lesson? Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

Take, for example the hours in the day. It’s possible to attempt to spend every hour of every day being productive. Does it mean it should be tried and repeated? No, because that’s a sure road to burn out.

Just because you can put your heart and soul into everything you do, doesn’t mean you should.

Just because you can stalk Ryan Gosling all over the world, doesn’t mean you should (sad face).

[Tweet "Do something because you love it, because it brings you joy, because it makes you smile."]

Not just because you can.

As for my love affair with coaches? We’re on hiatus. For quite some time I'd imagine.

30 things you can do to relax in under 5 minutes

I haven’t got time to relaxWhat’s spare time? 

Slow down? Are you serious? I have so much to do.

Everything will fall apart if I take my eyes off the ball.

This sound familar?

I’ve certainly found myself saying a lot in the past, and these kind of phrases are something I hear often now from clients and people around me.

It’s something that I completely understand, which is why I've created a collection of fun and relaxing things you can do in under five minutes for those days where you need time out, right now, but have a gazillion things to do.

And if you can’t find a way to free up five minutes a day, I think we need to chat.

Alternatively, if you have more than 5 minutes, going through the whole list in an afternoon sounds like a pretty good day to me!

Here we go, with Part One!

1. One person dance party

This has to be one of my favourites and it’s courtesy of the lovely Jo Tucker of jo-tucker.com. Find a couple of songs that make you feel happy, make you feel alive, or make you forget about other things you’ve got going on right now. Put them on, nice and loud, and have a good dance in your living room (or bedroom, or bathroom, or wherever really!) Dance you worries away. (My recommended songs for doing this: Holy Ground - Taylor Swift, Can't Hold Us - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis and Wake Me Up - Aviccii.

2. Meditate

When you have a million and one thoughts going on in your head, often the last thing you want to do is sit still, breathe and try and forget everything. There’s often so much to do, we’re juggling so many balls (don’t even go there!) that we dare relax because we don’t want to miss anything. For those of you in this category, I can’t recommend this illustrated guide enough: ‘Quiet the Mind’ by Matthew Johnston. It’s full of lovely colourful pictures, exercises and I think it would be near impossible to find someone who didn’t feel calmer after reading it.

3. Read an article

And try and make it completely unrelated to whatever you spend your most time doing. If you’ve got your own business, forget the go-to blogs for increasing productivity and sales. If you’re an avid campaigner or work in the caring profession, avoid anything too heart wrenching or close to home. Instead find something else that fascinates you, be it the autobiography of one of your favourite writers, an illustrated guide to something creative or even just a list of uplifting quotes.

4. Look at a candle

Sounds silly, but don’t knock it till you try it. Find a comfy seating position, light a candle and watch the flame. Get lost in the flickering and allow yourself to daydream and get lost. Kudos for a nice scented candle, my personal favourite is pumpkin or apple pie. Yum.

5. Play with an animal

When I’m sad or angry, upset or frustrated, I can always turn to one of my bunnies for a quick pick me up, or instant relaxation. If you’ve got a pet, go give them a cuddle. If you haven’t, there are plenty of cute videos of animals that will make your troubles melt away in no time. (If it doesn’t work the first time, repeat, then repeat again.)

6. Walk around the block

A little walk goes a long way. That’s my philosophy anyway. A five minute walk is good for the heart as well as the soul, and exactly the kind of thing you need if a) you haven’t left the house in a while or b) every time you leave the house it’s for work or for someone else. Grab you coat (weather depending) and go for a walk. Try to look for things you haven’t noticed before and appreciate living in the present.

7. Look at a nice picture

Whether it’s looking through photo albums (or dropbox) at photos that make you go awww, or browsing for stunning landscapes on Google, spend five minutes looking at things that make you smile. Get a fresh perspective, zoom out of what’s going on with you right now and find something to be in awe of.

8. Browse some quotes

Pinterest is the perfect tool for relaxing. Setting up an account is simple and you never need to show anyone your boards. Type in whatever you’re in search for right now (hope, courage, inspiration, motivation) and let the beautiful quotes and graphics do the work for you. If you're stuck in a rut, a vision board might just to the trick.

9. Sip a hot drink

Sometimes, all it takes is wrapping my hands around a warm drink (in a nice mug) and sipping something nice and sweet (ever tried a steamer? It's warm milk with a syrup, yum!). There's something about warm drinks that can melt away troubles and let out a big sigh.

10. Doodle

Grab a piece of paper (back of a receipt, napkin, anything you can find) and start doodling. You don't have to be an artist - though you can take it up as a hobby and learn -  and you don't need equipment. Set a timer for five minutes, take your biro and just doodle. Listening to music sometimes helps. Let your thoughts wander or try and clear your mind and take it out on the paper, dammit!

11. Vine

Many an hour of mine has been spent on Vine. Vines are really short videos  uploaded by users all over the world and range from hilarious to downright bizarre. Whether you're in the office, at home, or on the move, put your feet up and put on a compilation. If you manage to keep your viewing time to just five minutes, let me know as I’ve never managed it!

12. Savour a piece of something sweet

This is a great exercise that I learned in my Positive Psychology training. Grab a piece of fruit (or chocolate!) and spend five minutes looking at the texture, the smell, the feel and the taste. Take as long as you can to eat it, and really bask in how it tastes. Remain completely focused on what you’re eating and let it bring back memories, and find new flavours you might ignore when rushing around as part of daily life. (If you want to extend this exercise, I totally recommend a tub of Ben & Jerry’s phish food, and Whip It. Just saying…)

13. Check in with your senses

You can do this anywhere, and there are about a million ways to do it, but I'm just going to suggest two:

a) You can do a five minute body scan which involves shutting your eyes, focusing on your breath and checking in with every part of your body. See where you're holding tension in your body, and release it.

b) Shut your eyes, and focus on what you can hear. What's in your immediate surroundings? What sounds further out? What can you taste? What can you feel around you? What do your feet feel like on the ground? What can you smell? Now open your eyes and look for three things you haven't noticed before, take a deep breath and continue with your day.

These exercises keep you grounded in the moment and you should return to whatever you're doing with a clearer mind and relaxed state.

14. Put headphones in with no sound

This one sounds so strange, but I can't tell you how well it works! Whether you're on your way somewhere and don't want to be disturbed, in a busy area or at work, try this on for size. It's sometimes great to feel like you're in your own little world, and putting headphones in blocks every day noises away just enough for you to get a bit of peace and quiet.

15. Look for a yellow car

There's a saying that what you focus on gets bigger. Sometimes a bit of mindful distraction is exactly what you need when feeling stressed to the max. If you're near a road, focus on finding a yellow car. They're rare enough to warrant the need to focus on finding one, but common enough to realistically find one, so win win! You can also do this for different colours, and see what you notice that you other wise wouldn't.

16. Do five minutes of yoga

I am no yoga expert. Laughter yoga yes. But yoga yoga, no. But there are lots of ways you can learn, and there are lots of positions and postures that you can do in five minutes which are great for your body and soul. There are lots of videos of yoga poses you can do at your desk, just like this one. 

17. Funny videos on Facebook

Facebook can be a source of good and evil. Let’s face it, sometimes we get sick of baby pictures and seeing what the person you went to school with made for breakfast. But, there’s also a lot of funny shit that we don’t take the time to look at. For five minutes, scroll through your timeline and only click on the funny videos and pictures. Let them cheer you up. And if you don’t have Facebook, check out this awesome video featuring a talking guinea pig:

http://youtu.be/jW3XtKBlTz0

18. Guided meditation

We touched briefly on breathing and meditation last week, but I wanted to take some time to discuss this in more depth. Meditation is a great way of accessing a sense of calmness. Try this one. Or you can read Quiet the Mind, a FANTASTIC illustrated guide to mindfulness. Think children's book meets meditation = awesome.

19. Wash your face/give yourself a quick facial

Doing something we wouldn’t usually or spoiling ourselves can be a great confidence boost. Take five minutes to look after yourself and make yourself feel good! And if you’re looking to extend the activity you can find recipes to make your own face masks here. Though, maybe just stick to the banana. The vinegar and the mayonnaise ones make me want to vom.

20. Tidy and de-clutter

Although I generally live by the rule of ‘Why should I clean my room when the world is such a mess?’, tidying and cluttering can be great for the mind.

21. Water your plant

Raise your hand if you’ve ever had a plant die on you. Yeah, me too. But it’s nice to have something pretty to take care of, and plants give off oxygen and shit (science really isn’t my forte - I totally didn’t just google it to make sure I was right). But it is relaxing looking after a plant. I don’t know why, it just is.

22. Phone a friend

You can always rely on friends to cheer you up. Ring up one of your close friends and ask them what funny things have happened to them  lately. Or just catch up with someone you’ve been meaning to call in a while. Whether you end up laughing or simply feeling loved, it’s a win win situation.

23. Close your eyes and think of the last time you had a good belly laugh

I love this one. So much so that I’m going to share the last belly laugh I had. It was on the tube in London with a lovely friend and I shared one of my favourite jokes:

Knock knock

Who’s there

Harry

Harry who?

Harry Potter

Didn’t say it was funny, did I?!

24. Send someone special and e-card

Sometimes it’s all about the little things. There are loads of great e-cards (or you could send snail mail) to choose from, and it's guaranteed make a loved one’s day. Bonus points as it will make you feel all warm inside as well.

25. Google a new recipe and print it out

Shaking up your kitchen is a great way to relax, especially if you love to cook, which I do. Think about the things in your fridge, or a meal you’ve been meaning to check out, and print it out for later. Alternatively, look up recipes on Pinterest and see what you find!

26. Scrunch or rip paper

Similarly to a stress ball, ripping up paper and scrunching paper into a ball can be a good reliever of all things stressful. Extra brownie points for writing down a list of things that are on your mind and ripping them up. Let it go. And no, I wasn’t quoting Frozen. 

27. Make a gratitude list

Establishing a gratitude practice can really improve your life. Not only does it allow you to live more in the present, but if you do it regularly enough, you’ll find yourself actively looking at things in a different way, and searching for more things to be grateful for. One of the easiest ways to do this is to write down three good things that have happened to you in the last 24 hours. Alternatively, there are gratitude apps as well.

28. Write a short story

You’d be amazed at what you can create just five minutes at a time. Start a fictional story (even a piece of fan fiction if you fancy, though it doesn’t float my boat personally) and add to it in five minute chunks. Make it funny, make it provoking, make it erotic (ooh-err), whatever will bring you happiness!

29. Chant

I've recently (as in, for the purposes of this post) been introduced to the work of Deva Premal. Her music is rather beautiful, and her 'Mantra for Precarious Times' is worth giving a go, though I've been warned it can be quite intense.

30. Take five minutes to sort your bag out

I think we’re all guilty of this to a certain extent. I’ve been called Mary Poppins for the amount of things (crap) in my bag. And I get a strange sense of satisfaction when I’ve cleared my bag out and I’m all organised. Try it out and see if it works for you! And on that note, that’s my cue to leave and go do just this!

I hope you’ve found new inspiration for things you can do to relax in under five minutes! I really set out to show that you don’t need a weekend or a whole day to relax. It really is about the little things, and embracing the time youdo have and using it to make you feel amazing!

7 things to do on a shitty day

We all have bad days. For some of us they’re one offs. For others, they show up pretty regularly. It’s not about banishing the bad days, because like good old Dolly tells us, ‘if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain’.

But it’s about being able to deal with crappy days when they show up, and knowing how to respond to them.

Here are a some things you can do on down days, to help deal with what life throws at you.

1. Clear your schedule

This is more possible for some than others. The general rule of thumb here is this: what’s the worst possible thing that will happen if you cancel x, y and z, and will it matter to you next week?

If you simply can’t clear your schedule for whatever reason, do what you absolutely have to, and plan for something nice afterwards.

2. Make a playlist

I love music as therapy, and I don’t think there’s many things that can embrace how you feel as much as music. Try creating a Shitty Day Playlist. Fill it with angsty rock, opera, boy bands, whatever gives you your fix.

3. Find a quote and use it as a mantra

This is something me and a close friend do when we’re having a shitty day. We’ll send a quote we like from Pinterest to the other and repeat it as an affirmation. My favourite so far has been this beaut:

I'm an intelligent classy well educated woman who says fuck alot.

4. Do something mindless

Waste time on the internet, watch some trashy TV, play a game. Not every activity we do has to be meaningful or enriching.

5. Phone a friend

Sometimes this is the absolute last thing we want to do. Things are shit, we want to cut out the rest of the world and hide away under our duvet for the foreseeable future. But you’ll be surprised how you’d feel after talking to a good friend.

6. Get under that duvet

And own it like a motherhugger.

It might sounds woo woo, but when all else fails, put faith in the universe that things will get better. After all, what is life without hope?

7. Cry

Yep, you heard me. Let it all out. Everything feels better after a good cry. It doesn't have to be over anything particularly meaningful. Pen run out of ink? Let it out!

What do you do on a shitty day? I’d love to hear about it in the comments!

What trimming my bush taught me about my mind garden

I would love a nice garden. A lovely garden with flowers of every colour, a nice patio set and some home-made lemonade, outside where I do my best work. The reality is that right now, my life is super busy, and even mowing the lawn (it’s not even a big lawn) only happens when we realise that the garden’s owning us, not the other way around.

After a particularly stressful day, I decided to pick up the shears and tackle the bushes that have been growing wildly for quite some time now. We have ivy growing around fencing, flower bushes cutting off the sunlight to others, and branches of bushes going from one side of the garden to the other. It’s pretty much an overgrown mess.

(There is a point to all this.)

Now, I’m no garden expert. I mean, I hacked at the bush like a trainee hairdresser having a go at her first mannequin.

I found plants I didn’t even know I had. I found strange yellow things growing in the ground that may have resembled potatoes quite some time ago. And I discovered a tree stump.

It got me thinking.

Overgrown gardens are a bit like our minds. (Bare with me, I’m not gonna get super woo-woo).

There are some things we don’t nourish, there are things that we neglect, and sometimes we just don’t take the time or the effort to look deeper at things.

As people who spend a lot of our lives on fast forward, always thinking of the next thing, and subsequently often feeling drained, I think it’s fair to say that at some point or another, we stop observing our thoughts and focus only on what we can see.

MIND GARDEN WEB

Sometimes we skim the surface, accept the first thing that comes to mind and don’t care to take another look. It may be a reaction to a situation, a feeling when we hear good or bad news, a spurge of emotion when things don’t go the way we plan.

Sometimes it’s the things that are hidden which are the most surprising and the most valuable.

Our hidden things could be memories we haven’t thought about in a long time. They could be life plans that we’re too scared to follow. Perhaps they’re dreams we’re too terrified to admit even to ourselves? Or areas of our lives that we want to change, but have no idea how.

But what do I do when I discover the hidden things? I hear you ask.

Here are a couple of things you could try:-

1. Sit it out

I think this is by far the hardest. When you’re not used to sitting down as you’re always on full pelt, sitting with uncomfortable emotions can be really tough. On the other hand though, it can be really beneficial. Sometimes it’s about giving yourself the time to sit on your sofa in the quiet and focussing on one thing. You’d be surprised at how your mind makes links, and how you can discover things about yourself you never knew.

2. Write it out

Or draw it out. Or doodle it out. Creative arts are a great therapy. There’s something about getting lost in your thoughts, getting lost in the flow that gives you head space like nothing else. Put on some nice music, create something that you’re not expecting to be a masterpiece and shake it out.

3. Talk it out

Sometimes there’s nothing like a good heart to heart over a good cup of hot chocolate. Or picking up the phone and pacing back and forth. Good friends help to keep us grounded, keep us feeling connected and provide a judgement-free space. Sometimes it’s about remembering that we’re not alone..

4. Time out

Our minds are strange things. There’s times when uncomfortable thoughts will pop out of nowhere. The trick is not to ignore them, but if you’re not in the right space, it’s about finding a way to contain them. Maybe make a plan to think about it later, maybe it’s something we’d like to work through with a professional, maybe it’s something we’d just rather not acknowledge. Have some time out and go back to it. The lens we see the world through changes every day.

One of the most liberating things to learn is that we control our thoughts. We can decide what we think. We can decide how much air time we give to what.

Think about that.

5 rules to start breaking, right now

We’re our own worst enemies. We push ourselves harder and harder. We expect to get three times the work done in a third of the time. Then we berate ourselves when our immune systems start failing us and when we’re not achieving what we wanted to.

Why?

Because we think we’re super-human? Probably.

The more likely culprit? The self-imposed rules we’ve nurtured over the years.

We all have our own code of ethics, whether we’re consciously aware of them or not. We have a set of expectations that we strive to live up to, and base our success from.

Rules, rules, rules

They’re influenced by past experiences, by people close to us, and from things we aspire to be.

From being in our nappies to the time we spend at school, we’re used to rules. Rules set for us, and rules we learn and adopt.

Do this, don’t do that. If you do that, you’re this, if you don’t do this, you’re that.

It’s a minefield.

I mean, yes they do serve a purpose. They provide boundaries; a safety net of sorts.

 But there’s a problem with the rules. If we’re only ever going to stay between them, we’ll never know what it is to be more than the rules.

If we stay within the prisons we create for ourselves, we’ll never know what it’s like to fly.

So let’s take these rules, bend the rules, adjust the rules until there are no rules except the ones that serve us.

I’m going to run through what I think are the most common rules that us busy folk have adopted and fuck shit up.

Rule Number One - DO NOT GIVE UP

I’m going to paraphrase an amazing metaphor I read on a blog I can’t recall for this one, because it’s helped me so many times (if I find the blog, I promise to link back to it when I remember!)

If you started walking across a bridge, and you got half way across and notice it’s on fire, would you keep walking?

Hell no.

You wouldn’t do it to prove a point. You just wouldn’t.

So why do we live life this way? We can’t predict what a certain journey is going to look like. Sometimes we get halfway there and know it’s not right for us.

That doesn’t mean we should persevere regardless.

It’s about pausing for reflection, looking at the personal impact the situation’s going to have on us if we get scorched, look at the options and carve a new path.

Rule Number Two - PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT

Nothing’s perfect.

That’s the whole fucking point!

If things were perfect we’d be bored and restless. We’re not meant to be perfect. If you hate something, doing it again and again probably isn’t going to make you like it.

It’s probably going to make you want to walk through fire. With no clothes on.

 Rule Number Three - PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST IS SELFISH

This is something I think we’ll all had conditioned into us, some more than others. When I was in the deep dark depths of burnout, continual busy-ness, and had no idea whatsoever what self care was, someone I really respected and admired for successes in a related field to mine told me something I won’t forget: If I don’t look after myself, how can I help other people?

While I’ve changed my stance a bit now, this really helped me and is great if you’re stuck in the midst of it.

Rule Number Four - DON'T SAY NO

This one coincides with a heap of other rules. Don’t hurt other people’s feelings. Don’t make people feel like they’re burdening you. Don’t be a bad person.

We often forget that we have every right to say no. We have a choice.

There’s a lot of buzz created online about hell yes’ and hell no’s. The idea is that if it’s not one or the other, then don’t do it.

It’s about learning to say no, learning how to stick up for ourselves, and knowing that when we say yes and don’t mean it, it sucks our energy up bit by bit, until we have minus nothing left for ourselves.

 Rule Number Five - I CAN ONLY RELAX WHEN I DESERVE IT

And that’s after I’ve baked the kids cakes to go to school, been to work, finished my project plans while cooking dinner, booked a doctor’s appointment, run a marathon etc etc.

No - this is completely wrong. Relaxation isn’t part of a brownie point reward system. It’s something that’s integral to being able to function.

I’m sure you can think of rules pertinent to your own life. Turn them on their head and see what happens.

[Tweet "Here’s to not living between the lines and living a life that suits you, not anyone else."]

Is trying to relax stressing you out?

Picture the scene.

It's been a hard few weeks. You just want to relax. Everyone has seemed to want something from you, the bags under your eyes look bigger than your credit card bills, you yawn more than you talk and you can't remember then last time your brain just shut up.

So you've taken an afternoon away from everything. Or an hour. Whatever you can spare. And you're going to do something nice.

It might be picking up the book that's been on your bed side table for the last couple of months, catching up on a TV series, going out for a walk, meeting up with a friend or trying a new recipe.

You're all set. You've been looking for forward to this.

When you’ve really struggled, you’ve had this to fall back on.

Now the time has come.

And you are STRESSED.

You can't pick what to do. The minutes are ticking by. You can't make a decision. The endless options of nice things to do has turned into a quasi to do list and you haven't got a clue where to start.

Sound familiar?

I’ve been there. Multiple times. It’s similar to when you think of something to write and you get it all sorted in your head -  the moment you hit that blank page, it was as if what you had in mind never existed.

So here are a some things you can do if you’re faced with relaxation paralysis:

1. Do the first thing that comes to your head

Pick one and commit. It sounds a lot simpler than it is, but remember why you set aside this time for yourself. It’s not about doing everything at once, although that's how our minds often default.

2. Pick one and schedule the others

Similar to the first one, pick the one that appeals to you most in the moment, but first take five minutes to schedule in your other plans. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, if it’s not in the schedule then it doesn’t exist? While that’s not completely true, as people who have a tendency to put self care and relaxation on the back burner, sometimes we do need that extra push to make sure we take the time.

3. Do nothing

Aka the beautiful Italian phrase dolce far niente; the beauty of doing nothing. Sometimes it’s about not having a plan, giving your mind some space and enjoying being in the present. You never know what ideas will surface.

And remember, if nothing else, all of our experiences are learning curves. You may have felt like your time was a waste, felt like you could have done something else, but your mind and body appreciate the break.

Have you had a similar experience? I’d love to hear about it  and what you did to overcome it in the comments below!

Believe in yourself, not just other people

I’ve written before on my blog about how inspired I get by big adventures and taking risks. You know what it’s like. You’re watching your favourite team on a Saturday night (or like me, watching Nashville) and you’re rooting for them to score (or get back together). You’re watching your friend take make a big decision and rooting for them, regardless of the outcome. You’re watching someone (anyone) taking a big risk and your heart is pounding, you’re holding your breath, hoping for the best outcome.

You’re aching for them, and sometimes it’s difficult to watch, but you can’t tear your eyes away. What’s so strange is the emotional investment we have in others (often strangers), in comparison to ourselves.

The sense of belief, the sense that everything will work out no matter what the outcome, the sense that when your best friend puts her heart on the line and to quote Brene Brown, dares greatly, you will be fucking proud of her no matter what happens.

What we’re not thinking about, when we’re watching our favourite player score (I don’t know what’s with the sports metaphors) is what’s going through their head.

The adrenaline, the fear of failure, the desperation to achieve, the way they feel alive, the way they’re worrying about letting themselves, and other people down.

We’re watching them, like they could fly. We’re hoping for them, we’re there with them.

Yet when we take risks ourselves, we mainly tend to focus on the what ifs; what if we fail, what if we don’t succeed, what if we regret it.

How often do we pause to think of what if we do so well that we fly?

Recently I’ve got (too) into watching vine compilations on YouTube and I think I’ve found my favourite which sums up what I’m trying to say perfectly.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Wvg-U302D4

Check out the dog (in a life jacket). She begins cautiously, and look how, with a little encouragement, she spreads her little doggy paws and just fucking goes for it.

And all the way through (all of about 6 seconds), we are rooting for her.

We’re willing her to take the risk,

And she does.

We feel better. We smile.

Maybe this is just me, but I feel so proud of that little corgi, and I find it bizarrely inspiring.

So next time you’re wondering whether or not to take that risk, think of the corgi. Think of how you could fly.

And think of how you’ll be happy with yourself for doing it, even if you don’t sprout wings.

How to create your own escape plan

I should first start with this. I love plans. I am a complete nerd. I love planning. I hardly ever stick to them, but there’s something about the sense of control, the reduction of anxiety, and the idea of dreams becoming reality that I find really appealing. Not quite Ryan Gosling appealing though. I’ll leave that for my X rated blog that is not appropriate to share here (joke, I’m way to busy for that.)

I love the big plans, the no-fucking-way plans, the big ass plans that make the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

Nothing inspires me more than hearing stories of people who decide they want to change things up so make a plan to pack their things, travel the world or go move to another country and design a life that follows their passions.

But I also LOVE the small plans. The maybe plans, the just incase plans, the they-look-comforting-on-my-flower-post-it-note-plans.

As passionate people, I think it’s fair to say we get in all kinds of sticky situations. Through genuinely wanting to help other people, and wanting to use our strengths and skills for good, we end up in circumstances we don’t want to be in. We tend to say yes. A lot. It’s as if the word wants to burst out of our mouths before we’ve even been asked something.

I mean, we’ve all been there - roped into ‘helping’ someone we vaguely know (read: doing all the work for a project that we thought would take ten minutes), trying to get away with checking our watches to find a way out of a meeting, sitting with a friend we haven’t seen in a while - and now we remember why - and trying to find an excuse to leave but our imagination seems to have flown out of the window.

Or maybe we’re just somewhere we really don’t want to be, but we can’t find a way out. This is especially pertinent to being in the depths of burnout when we're forced to stop, or feel completely overwhelmed. Our anxiety levels can increase, the simplest of tasks can feel impossible and our confidence and self esteem can dip.

Now, learning to say no is another completely different topic so I'll leave that for a separate post. What I want to talk about here is what we can do to keep a strong sense of who we are and what we want, in moments we wish we could escape.

And that's where the small plans come in. A list of 4 things that you can do when things get too much and you want out. Like, right now.

Everyone is going to have different escape plans, so I'll share mine to give you an idea.

1. The bathroom breathing plan

This is one of my favourites. If you're stuck somewhere, let's say work for example and you start feeling overwhelmed and get the 'must leave now' urge, the bathroom could well be your best friend. When fight or flight kicks in, I can calmly walk to the bathroom, lock myself in a stall and BREATHE. Makes all the difference.

2.  The deadline plan

I often use this when I'm nervous or my anxieties are playing up. I set myself an ideal time that I would like to finish the activity/conversation/whatever it is that I'm worrying about. Then I half it. Now here is the important part - tell the person/people your second, shorter deadline at the earliest possible moment. Set the expectation and boundaries at the earliest possibility and it takes a lot of  the stress away. You might even find that you stay longer than you thought because you start to enjoy yourself now you're not under so much pressure and have the option to escape.

ESCAPE PLAN WEB

3. The treat plan

Sometimes, and this pains me to say it, there are very little ways out. Sometimes, things just have to be done. For those times, plan yourself a treat for after. Give yourself something to really look forward to. It could be having a nice coffee after, buying a magazine, having a long soak in the bath or something else that makes you feel good. It's about acknowledging you got through it when you thought you couldn't, and being proud of yourself.

4. The honest plan

Honesty is sometimes the best policy. Making people aware of your feelings can often work out in your best interest. Generally people are so wrapped up in themselves that they don't take much time to think of anything else. What you think must be blindingly obvious to them (your nerves, anxiety, panic), more likely than not goes completely over their heads. By making people aware of how you're feeling - if you feel able to - you might be surprised by how supportive they are, and how much release this gives you. (But perhaps don't tell your friend she is a complete fun-sucker, it is always nice to treat people how you like to be treated after all).

So next time you feel stuck somewhere you don't want to be, or everything gets too much, get this baby out of your toolbox and take her for a spin.

What are your escape plans? I'd love to hear about them in the comments!

Fooling yourself into taking time out

I have grown up with a strong sense of selflessness and caring for others. As I’ve written about before, in the past, I've really struggled with doing my best, putting healthy boundaries around my work and my personal life, and taking on too much. Sometimes this has manifested in the form of illness (both physical and mental), resentment, confusion and huge disappointment.

However one thing has stayed pretty stable during these periods. I am a creative person with a need to create, but I don’t make time to let myself create.

There are countless numbers of times where I’ve sat at my desk in a spare ten minutes, and thought about the novels I one day want to write. There are times when I’ve built myself up to getting really excited at work about my latest project, but by the time I get home, I’ve got another to do list on the go, and frankly not enough energy or time to do things for myself.

That got me thinking. What can we do, - while quietening our guilt/busybee complex - that is ultimately going to work for ourselves?

In other words, how can we trick ourselves into slowing down and having valuable down time, while not having to fight off feelings of guilt and thinking of the billion and one things that we need to do.

Temporary Solution: do things that we love to do and find relaxing, and blend them with our need to serve others.

Before I start really exploring this, I want to just make an aside. We’re talking about first steps here - in no way am I saying that we should only be creative for the sake of other people’s happiness.

We should make art because art matters. We should express ourselves because we have a human need to express ourselves, and for creativity’s sake.

But, when we’re busy humming around, taking care of everyone but ourselves and don’t have a moment spare, and we're not in a place where we are able to recognise our own needs, this can be a great start.

So let’s take an example  - I enjoy making jewellery. I enjoy putting different colours and textures together, using my own unique tastes to create bold jewellery that has personal meaning.

But, I rarely make jewellery for myself.

OK, maybe every six months or so, I might get out my wires, beads and cutters and sit in front of the TV and make myself a couple of pairs, but that is extremely rare.

When I do make the time and the space to create, it’s been to make gifts for other people. That’s not good and I’m really not advocating for people to begin and continue their creative projects for the sake of others, but if we’re not going to be able to get creativity into our life in other ways, then perhaps this is a temporary solution.

FOOLING YOURSEL WEB

Going back to my jewellery making - if I allow myself the space and time for a couple of evenings to make some jewellery, say, to cheer up my best friend who is feeling down,   I’ve metaphorically (of course) killed two birds with one stone. I’ve met my need to help others, and I’ve also met my typically not-so-recognised need of relaxing and taking some time out.

If we can approach creating for others as a relaxing activity - I’m not talking about deciding to crochet your neighbour a  five foot by 3 foot granny square blanket for the next day! I'm talking about random act of kindness that we can do at our own pace, where we can take time out of our busy days and really reap the benefits of being creative and relaxing.

I know, I know, I'm the first to complain when people suggest the first step of self care is giving to others. But let's work with what we know as a spring board and bounce from that. The end goal is finding time in our hectic lives to look after ourselves, and if tricking ourselves for now is the only thing that's going to do it, I say, give it a shot!

As always, I'd love to hear from you about the ways you find to be creative in your lives. Does this work for you? What silences those voices for you, so that you can take care of yourself?