How I quit feeling guilty about relaxing

About five years ago, I read a quote that I haven't been able to get out of my head since. I can't remember who said it, it was possibly Marx but haven't been able to find it since. Basically it went something to the tune of this:

If you want to change the world, don't waste time on hobbies like watching TV. To make a difference, you must use all the minutes you have here on earth to make that impact.

There aren't many quotes that I read that have an immediate effect on them, but this was one of them.

Finally, I had found something that validated the intense guilt I felt at spending any time doing something not related to a cause or not helping someone else.

At the time, this was a good thing. 

I took it as inspiration, and took it to mean that I was on the right track. It solidified everything in my mind that was completely backwards when it came to me. It validated putting myself behind everything else, putting everything I had into the cause and not saving anything for me. It justified feeling awful about spending time on another activity (watching a film, reading a book which wasn't related to a world issue) and I didn't really have any hobbies.

Years later, after working through my issues with relaxing and taking time for me, I wish I hadn't read the fucking quote.

All it did was keep me between a rock and a hard place, and was an effective torture stick I could use on myself at anytime.

The reality of the situation was this: I would put 180% in, to get burnt out, binge watch TV and eat ice-cream for a couple of weeks feeling exhausted and get back out there.

And of course, I'd feel guilty.

[Tweet "Now, I embrace the word selfish. I know there are worlds apart between giving everything you have and saving some for yourself. And I know that that's okay."]

I took a long time to put the work in to change my frame of mind. And I don't think I ever would have got there had I not completely burnt out and become mentally ill.

I now actively push away from that quote I learned years ago, knowing that if I'm feeling good on a soul level, if I'm filling myself with joy, then the work I do is going to come from a better place, the interactions I have with people will be more positive and I'll be well.

I now have lots of things I love doing, which I do simply because they fill me up with joy.

I do things for fun's sake. Of course, I still care about changing things, but not in the same way. Not in the all-consuming, all-powerful, all harmful way that I did before.

Now, I hope my work sends out a beacon of hope to people who were right where I was. Feeling guilty about spending time on themselves, continually beating themselves up and not seeing the value in downtime.

It's a long process, but it's the best journey I've been on.

Now, I can treat myself with compassion, celebrate the shit out my small wins instead, and have a shitload of fun while putting good shit out into the world.

And, isn't that what it's all about?

Remember, it's not selfish to look after yourself, or do things purely because they make you happy.

What can you do today to stave off the guilt and actually start enjoying your downtime?

Seeing life as an adventure - boring bits included

Sometimes it seems like our lives are made up of a seemingly random occurrence of events. We mark some of our experiences down as mundane and unremarkable, and others become stories of adventure and excitement for the people around us.

Let's take some adventures that I've had in my life so far.

I've ridden a donkey in Petra and got stuck in a donkey-camel-horse traffic jam, got proposed to in Ghana amidst  severe food poisoning (not by Mr Meg),  leaned my boobs against Bill Gates during a photo op for the Global Poverty Project and trained as an advanced laughter yoga facilitator.

They're pretty funny stories and good fun to tell. But those experiences alone don't even add up to 1% of who I am or how I spend my time and live my life. Those experiences tell some of my story, but leave out the vast amount. They leave out daily chores, habits, and how I spent my downtime which might be pretty dull for some.

And that's the problem with only viewing the interesting bits in life as an adventure, instead of the whole thing.

While we're now able to see more vividly into people's lives, what we end up seeing is a showcase of people's lives in their extremes. Look at Facebook as an example.

On our news feeds, we see the excitement: the cocktails, the holidays and the cute baby/puppy pics, and we see the tragedy: the redundancies, loss of a family member and the really shit times.

The mundane and the every day are completely ignored in favour of epic stories of adventure.

And it can be really hard to merge the two and see them as part of the same story.

Like future tripping, we spend so long planning for adventures, and looking forward to the times that are exciting that we don't enjoy the present.

Not only that, adventure becomes linked to things that cost money and we have to travel to far away places for. The mundane what we fill our day to day life with becomes the padding in between?

But that padding? That is the stuff that makes us human. Decisions we make on a daily basis and the way we choose to live our lives. The way we treat strangers. The times when getting out of bed feels impossible and we just want to put the duvets over our heads.

Sure, talking about those things is vulnerable and scary, but they're what connects us. They help us become relatable, rather than an entertaining story.

[Tweet "When you start to think of your life more of an adventure rather than a mixture of random experiences, some positive, some negative, it all starts to make sense."]

Like Ronan Keating kept telling us (and telling us and telling us) in the year 2000, life is a rollercoaster, just gotta ride it.

My life in 14 songs

There are so many ways that we can tell our stories and share our stories. I've always had a big interest in storytelling, and the way we capture our lives. So, with that in mind, I thought I'd share you my life in 14 songs:

The Childhood Years

1. Yesterday Once More - Carpenters

Let's start with the very beginning (if you got the Sound of Music reference there, high five!). Apart from The Fugee's Killing Me Softly, this song was my favourite childhood song. I remember singing it at the top of my voice whenever the radio played and singing it to an assembly in school of 150 other children when I was about five. Present me thinks that's a pretty kick ass thing to do, but past me didn't think twice!

Notable lyrics as I think I became the song:

'When I was youngI'd listen to the radioWaitin' for my favorite songs When they played I'd sing alongIt made me smile.'

2. Jolene - Dolly Parton

This song is literally my jam. If I'm doing karaoke, this is the first song I'll find and belt out. Sometimes we need stability in life and that's exactly what this song does for me. I've always loved it and always will love it. It's one of those great rally cry songs which is great if you're in a great or a shit mood. Though I have always had a bit of a problem with these lyrics:

'I had to have this talk with youMy happiness depends on youAnd whatever you decide to do, Jolene'

Seriously Dolly, you don't need a man, trust me.

3. (There's Got to Be) More to Life - Stacie Orrico

I think I've always known deep down that I'm a bit of a rebel. I remember feeling oppressed by school and feeling like I was missing something in my life. I always wanted to be writing, drawing; creating my own stuff and living life on my own terms . The first time I heard this song, I remember thinking Yes! This is me!  but also really struggling because I knew there was more to life, but not knowing what it was. In the last couple of years, as I've started rejecting society's version of success (money, material wealth, 9-5 jobs) as much as I can, I've really come to understand what the 'more' means to me. The 'more' in my life is choosing time over anything else, doing things that fill me with joy, and refusing to fit in a box constructed by someone who doesn't know me.

There's gotta be more to lifeThan chasing down every temporary highTo satisfy me 'cause the more that I'mTrippin' out, thinkin' there must be more to lifeWell, there's life but I'm sure there's gotta be moreI'm wanting more

4.  I Wish I Was a Punk Rocker (With Flowers in My Hair) - Sandy Thom

Oh, I love this song, it basically sums up all my beliefs, ever!  It really plays to my idealism and hippy ideas about how the world is run. I always believed I was born in the wrong era - I wanted to be young during the swingin' sixties and the conscious political activism and era of disco. What can I say? I was young in the 90s. I'd choose Blondie & The Bee Gees over Fatboy Slim any day!

I was born too late into a world that doesn't careOh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

The Teenage Emo Years

5.  Ladder In My Tights - Amy Studt

As a teenager, I couldn't go anywhere without Amy Studt playing in the background. When I was about 15, I attempted to start a zine called Broccoli that was going to fly the flag of being a freak and being proud. I've always been proud of not conforming, but it hasn't come without its challenges. Turns out rocking up at school with long socks, Doc Martens and a frog umbrella isn't the recipe for a peaceful time in school...

It wasn't even done in the Hey look at me! I'm quirky! kind of way that you get now. Just a desire to dress how I wanted, regardless of what other people thought, and a damn good way of flipping the bird at life!

Most relatable lyrics:

Oh if I just had a little more time:I'd show you the world is so much better when you find you don't fit, There's a ladder in your tights,Who gives a uh, If whoops you aint shiny and perfect.

6. I'm Not Okay (I Promise) - My Chemical Romance

Literally the epitome of teen angst. Everyone tends to have that one song that sums up their frustrations with the world. This is mine (with thousands of other people the same age as me, I'm sure). Any anger at the world? This solved it. Still does!

Well, I'm not okayI'm not o-fucking-kay!!

7. Run - Snow Patrol

There's got to be a soppy one in this list, right? I met Mr Meg when I was twelve, online via a penpal website. We met in person aged 15 and have been together ever since. We spent a good 6 years in a long distance relationship before moving in together, travelling a couple of hours to see each other several weekends a month. This was our song. Puppy love right there! It still gives me goosebumps to this day. To me, this song is like a blanket, hot water bottle and cocoa all in one.

Light up, light upAs if you have a choiceEven if you cannot hear my voiceI'll be right beside you dear

Late Teens - Graduation

8. Given Up - Linkin Park

So, university was a weird time for me. While I relished having new-found freedom, learning to cook and starting my habit of going to bed stupid o'clock in the morning, there were parts which were pretty shit. The first year I moved away from home, I lived in a flat with people I didn't like, and the feeling was mutual. Looking back now, I can tell I was really depressed, and the whole experience was just a big disappointment. I just seriously struggled to fit in. BUT, one of the biggest moments of satisfaction in my life, was the day I moved out of that shit hole (literally). I remember it being 8am and the fresher's ball had been the night before. My flatmates kept me up all the time coming in drunk and just being dicks quite frankly. So I thought I'd get my payback early in the morning, an hour before I was due to be gone for good, and play this at top volume. Mix it with a hefty hangover and you can imagine my flatmates were pretty fucking pissed. Meg 1 - Life 0.

No notable lyrics. Just imagine waking up to this full blast with a sub woofer.

 9. Wake Up - Arcade Fire

This song gives me chills every single time I listen to it. It sums up my attitude to life. There's something about the epic build up that makes me feel set on fire. The feeling I get when I listen to foot stomping music, and songs with huge build ups? That's happiness to me - feeling like you're unstoppable, invincible and giving everything you've got to life and following your dreams. That's a huge part of what That Hummingbird Life is about, and a feeling that I strive for every day.

This one is worth a video:

https://youtu.be/5OmMPaLmxKg

10. Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen - Baz Luhrmann

Imagine the best life advice you could ever receive bundled up in one song. Just listen. This marked a turning in my life, where I started to look after myself, pay attention to my own needs, and just be proud of owning who I was.

https://youtu.be/sTJ7AzBIJoI

Early Twenties - Present Day

11. Warrior - Ke$ha

I was really lucky in that when I was graduating, I had a really great job that I loved. After my contract was up, I spent a couple of months unemployed, in that post-graduation depression, looking for fulfilling work but not settling on the first thing.

I landed a perfect job in less that idea circumstances. Let's just say it didn't work out and I left the job with my self-esteem at rock bottom, deflated and disillusioned. Also I felt like I had had the life knocked right out of me. I started more jobs to leave only feeling an emphasised version of the first one.

Music really helped me get through a lot of things at this point in my life. I needed to be reminded that I was alive, and the situation I was in was temporary. I needed to build myself back up, in order to become the person I am today. I needed to remind myself I was a warrior. And we all need that reminder sometimes.

Now this is our time,Our generation,And we're impatient.Animals you ready to fight?Fight for the fuck ups,Stand up for true love,We'll never give up.Live like it's our last night alive.

12. Chandalier - SIA

Amidst that time, I really started struggling. I reached complete burn out a couple of times, and seriously worried that I would never get back to myself. I had no energy, my health forced me to take time off work and let's just say, things weren't pretty. I was really struggling with my mental health. I was seriously struggling in general. I felt like a fragile shell of who I used to be and I needed to get out the situation I was in but too scared to leave. On the outside my life looked perfect - dream job, lovely house, wonderful parter, but inside shit was hitting the fan. Apart from Mr. Meg, who has been my rock, everything was falling apart. I hadn't yet made the mindset shift into acknowledging that looking after yourself isn't selfish, and slowing down is good for you. This song took a lot of that pain away, and I'd listen to it when I needed to escape and let go.

But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes

13. Can't Hold Us - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft Ray Dalton

If you're ever struggling with what you're meant to do in the world, saying no to convention or need a boost, I encourage you to go listen to The Heist, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis' album. Despite feeling that everything was falling apart, I always kept a glimmer of hope. I knew it would all work out in the end. I didn't know how, I didn't know when, but I just had a feeling. I learned this song off by heart, and used it as my compass. Things were going to get better and nothing was going to hold me back. I'd started to think that I could make it on my own, and around this time, I'd decided to start something bigger than myself. It was around this time that That Hummingbird Life was born.

Looking for a better way to get up out of bedInstead of getting on the Internet and checking a new hit me.Get up! Fresh out, pimp strut walking, little bit of humble, little bit of cautious

14. American Kids - Kenny Chesney

And here I am! It's been an adventure so far to say the least. This song fills me with joy. I've let go of so much shit was was holding me down. I moved to London and am now saving to go travelling and I'm just so excited about the future. Everything about this song reminds me of who I am, who I'm meant to be, and where I want to go. I don't even know what it is about this song. The lyrics don't mean anything to me. I think it's just how it makes me feel young, free and like the world is my oyster. The video? That's how I feel.

A little messed up, but we're all alright

https://youtu.be/de1aPKXBdAE

I hope you enjoyed learning about my life in 14 songs. The process was really therapeutic and I'd encourage everyone to try a list like this out for yourself. It tells your life story in a way that you might not have framed it before. And that's pretty fucking powerful. If you've done this before, or are going to write your own list, let me know about it in the comments - I'd love to see how you find it!

You can listen to the 14 songs as a playlist below!

6 fun and creative ways to practice mindfulness

I've always loved the ideas of sitting down with a candle, some relaxing music and meditating. Mindfulness appeals to the side of me that knows slowing down always does me good.

But the idea has always been better than the reality. For a start, I struggle to make the time for it (I always say I'm going to get up at 6am and meditate before the day has begun, but we both know that's not going to happen.)

And it's not just me. A lot of us struggle with mindfulness - whether we don't or can't make the time for it, our thoughts won't go away, or we've just never really got it.

But with mindfulness, I've always felt there's got to be another way.

Mindfulness coach Mary Tracy of Widdershins describes mindfulness as:

'Being in the present, but much more present in the present than you've ever been before. You stop thinking about what you will do in the next minute, 'In fact, you stop thinking altogether. You just "are", you exist, without thoughts'

Sounds good, right?

According to the Mental Health Foundation, in 2010, 72% of GPs reported that they thought mindfulness-based treatments, such as meditation, would help their patients that have mental health problems.

And there's even a Mindfulness in Schools project in the UK, based on the positive effects of mindfulness on all; better able to deal with stress, more in tune with our happiness and general increase in wellbeing all round.

I mean, come on! We're a bunch of creative souls, and we're not giving up and missing out on those sweet benefits yet!

That's why I've been experimenting with other methods of being mindful. Finding things that are fun, tap into our creative sides, and also give us the same benefits as mindfulness:

Calm, peace, perspective and a sense that everything that's muddled in my head has been organised.

So here are my 5 tips for being mindful while getting your creative fix at the same time.

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1. Grab your camera and go

Mindfulness if about living in the moment, and grabbing a camera and finding a new perspectives completely encompasses the point of mindfulness. Now, you don't need to be a photographer, you don't need a fancy camera either, just something you can point and click with and an eye for detail.

And up the mindfulness even further by creating a scrapbook or photo album. Or follow in the footsteps of the lovely Sam from Oh! Hello and do a 365 photo challenge!

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2. Doodle

 Seriously, I could talk all day long about how much I love doodling.  I just pop my earphones in, grab a pen and follow where the pen fancies. I've also recently discovered the world of 'zenspirations', and I recommend watching this video right now if you've never heard of it. 

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3. Cook

Cooking can be SO good for the soul. Taking time, experimenting with spices, and just enjoying the whole experience. Pour over cookbooks (or good-looking stuff on Pinterest), go to the shop to buy specialist ingredients, and set the mood for a nice slow-paced, slow meal. Mmmmm.

(I'm going to let you into a little secret here - I LOVE peeling, chopping, watching the soup maker, everything. I could literally dedicate a day per week to each of those things. I mean, we have to get our kicks somewhere in life don't we? Ewww, not that way you filthy minded animal!)

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4. Go for a walk

This is something I seriously need to make more space for in my life. When I was living in Cardiff, I lived about 3 minutes walk from a river, and sitting on a log, staring into the water and watching the ducks was the best way to practice mindfulness and clear that brain of mine. For once, leave the headphones at home, turn your phone on silent and just walk somewhere nice and sit and watch the world go by. It's amazing what ideas will come to you when walking, and how problems just seem to walk themselves better!

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5. Rearrange things

I love re-arranging things. As in, mixing things up, turning the bed this way or that way, buying a new duvet set, getting some vases and photo frames and just making myself feel at home. Now, I'm no domestic goddess (to say the least) but a good tidy round and mix up can be really good for the soul. Change where things are, don't let rooms stagnate and surround yourself with things you love. Like these amaze-balls postcards I picked up at the Renegade Craft Fair in London by the awesome Emma Margaret. 

Pick things you love and look at them every day!

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6. Sing!

Everyone I know would happily tell you that I'm not the most quiet person to live with. I'm a firm believer than singing goes with everything! Whether you sing like an angel (don't buy into that bullshit!) or you've just got a fair pair of pipes on you, sing out loud to the songs that make you the happiest. Get lost in the tune, make up your own lyrics if you don't remember them!

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Mindfulness doesn't have to be hard. It doesn't have to be something we think other people can do, not us. We're all already practicing mindfulness in our own way already - whether it's daydreaming on the bus, staring into space when watching TV or getting a nap.

But when we start to do it consciously to calm our minds down - that's when we're really going to see those rewards.

Now, go stir up those creative juices and enjoy all the benefits of mindfulness at the same time.

Go! There's never a better time that right now!

Confessions of an emotionally wounded activist

I've hesitated a lot before writing this post. Partly because it's been in my head for such a long time I'm worried about getting it out right. Partly because it's so hard to talk about. Mostly though, because I've been scared to face up and own the truth.

I'm going to start right back to the beginning, but first I just want to make something clear.

This isn't a rallying cry to stop people from going into activism or becoming an activist, or working for a cause they believe in. It's my honest account of how activism and the charity world has changed me. We all need the people who were born to set the world alight, but in hindsight, I wish I'd gone into the storm braced with the right gear, the right footwear and a bit of prior warning.

Always an activist

There are many people out there who were born to set the world alight, but we need to start treating ourselves better and each other better to really be the change we wish to see.

I always knew I wanted to 'change the world'. At school, when most other people in my class wrote their debate piece for English Lit on boxing and fox-hunting, I wrote piece on ending the sex trafficking of children. While other people used creative writing time to write about holidays they'd been on, I was writing about domestic abuse, mental health issues and self harm. I was always an activist.

A need to change things

It all came from an innate feeling deep inside of me that wanted to change things, and understand how these deep injustices could be changed.

Now, I've written here before about changing the world and how it's come to mean different things to me over the years. But that desire for change has always been there.

Like many many people reading this, I'm a natural carer. I'm self-aware and all too aware of the feelings of others. I've spent much of my life putting other people first and neglecting myself in the name of 'helping others'. I've ignored my own mental health issues, used food as a coping strategy and just 'soldiered on'.

In my head, injustice has always gone hand in hand with a million-miles-an-hour need to shake shit up and improve things.

I go from empathy, to anger, to a desperate need to change things.

It really is no surprise that I ended up heavily involved in the world of activism.

By the age of 18, I was marching the streets in a protest to make streets safe for women at night, lying in the middle of main roads to protest cuts to disability benefits, writing articles about injustices done to women all over the world, coordinating feminist festivals and shouting (and singing) as loud as I could.

The elephants in the room

But here's the things they don't mention when you get into activism as a way of life. The things that aren't being spoken about but everyone's thinking.

1.The guilt of not being able to do enough, or change things enough. Oh the guilt, the endless guilt

2. The fact that you will be continually slapped in the face with further injustice, which makes any successes seem pale in the comparison

3.The amount you will be relied upon as a passionate person with a never-ending supply of energy

4.That to really feel like you're getting somewhere, and feel like you're doing your bit for the cause, you have to put the rest of your life on hold. Either that or the rest of your life need to be related to ending said problem. Bye bye self-care. Hello burnout.

5.Sometimes the people around you just don't get it, and that can make you really angry. When you're totally involved and they don't seem to care, it can cause rifts, resentments, and just problems.

I also can't deny how leading a march with rally cries behind me was exhilarating, how there were days when I couldn't sleep because my mind was brimming with creative ideas and ways to change things, how I felt like I had found my purpose, and how fucking good it felt to feel part of a community.

Tales of an (emotionally) wounded activist

But for those highlights, I put my whole self, and sanity on the line.

And when you get into actually working for the cause, it's a different ball game altogether.

Especially when you're working somewhere where people are burnt out but feel too much guilt to leave, where staff can't be truly appreciated because of the sheer demands of funding and stress at management level and where you end up de-sensitized to the cause you're trying to fight because that's the only way you can get up in the morning.

And especially when you start working in a paid capacity for the cause at a very young age and you enter wide-eyed and eager only to leave feeling like you're a shell of the person you started out as.

I don't mean this to sound bitter, I'm writing this post with the earnest aim of being honest but I can't hide the ugly stuff.

Becoming broken

In the past year and a half, I haven't been able to go to a protest/march without feeling like a piece of me is being torn apart. And for the last year, when I can, I've stopped going. I've stopped associating with people who were a large part of that life. I have just wanted out.

When I get involved with any of it, it's just too painful. It reminds me of what could have been and how I really felt like I'd found my life calling, and brings the truth too close to home.

Part of me feels broken now. I feel like I've been shattered, and I'm trying to put the pieces together, but there's no instructions, there's no guide of what it's meant to look like.

I feel like I've lost a huge part of my identity.

I know so many awful things are happening in the world, and it's just easier to look away. Sometimes, I get trapped into thinking that I'm apathetic, that I just don't care anymore.

But I do, and most of the time I'm too afraid to admit it. It's just a hell of a lot easier to put it at the back of my mind and just let it go.

See, when you break something, or something becomes broken, there are usually 3 reactions.

1. To put it back together, in the same way as before

or

2.Find someone or something to blame.

3.Walk away.

I've done all three.

Putting myself back together in the same way hasn't worked, and I don't want it to work. I can't be in that space, so I need to make a new space.

Finding someone to blame provides an outlet, but it doesn't let things go. Sure, I'm really angry about a lot of things that have happened, I'm angry at specific people, and I'm angry that I'm left feeling like this. But at the end of the day, there's no one thing or person to blame. And I don't want to spend my life absorbed in bitterness.

Walking away has helped the most though. Choosing to leave was a fucking brave thing to do, and a bit ridiculous when you look at how rare it is to find permanent work in specialist areas, but it was the right decision.

If nothing else, I know the bright-eyed version of me before all of this would be seriously disappointed in me if I continued to work and fight with a lack of passion, and two flying fucks.

A new story

So instead, I've taken the time to work on my own stuff. I've worked hard to find a new voice and a new story. Of course, That Hummingbird Life is a big part of this new story for me. So is taking the time to have fun, doing creative things and enjoying things without feeling guilty.

I've learned the hard way that you can't change the world, or change anything for that matter if you can't help yourself first.

It's been a long road, and I'm not ready to leave the pain behind just yet. There's a lot I have to share that can be of immense value. There are so many things I wish I knew, and so many things I know now that I want to share about changing the mindset of activists before they get burnt.

And I will, but it's going to take time.

I just hope, that if you're one of the many people working hard to change things, to change the world in however you make sense of the phrase, that you stop to take time for yourself and enjoy the good things in your life. Like the people around you, sunny days and songs that make you feel alive.

Not just appreciating and feeling grateful for the good things in your life in due regard to acknowledge your privilege. But actually holding on to them with two hands and not letting them go.

Because at the end of the day, two of the most basic human needs is connection and the need to feel valued.

Don't let that go, or sacrifice that for anyone, or anything.

Why you need to stop googling productivity hacks

I like a to-do list like anyone else, and to be honest, I'm pretty overwhelmed at the sheer amount of apps designed to increase productivity. Yeah, the whole conversation does appeal to my (slightly anal) organised (chaos) side. Especially when you add in funky looking day planners and downloadable pdfs.

But please, can we just stop with trying to up 24 hours in a day to 48 million?!

I mean seriously. Let’s chill out.

A couple of years ago, I really believed that every hour of every day had to mean something. I had to be achieving things all the time. Multi tasking wasn’t just my best friend. It was my super duper BFF who I did EVERYTHING with.

I was going a million miles an hour, and everything was urgent, everything needed to be done yesterday. Everything was NOW, NOW NOW.

Jeez, I’m getting exhausted just thinking about it.

Productivity hacks were my jam. Anything to make my day more productive and more successful.

I would crash out in my bed at night, already planning my hundred and one tasks for the next day, not taking time to see what I had achieved. I wasn’t celebrating my small wins.

Also, I wasn’t really achieving much more than adding knots to my belt towards my eventual burnout.

Of course, I like a day where you get the things done that you wanted to. I mean, it feels good. It feels satisfying. (I now focus on getting 3 things done a day, and I give myself time to get sidetracked. And happily so.)

But, come on, being productive doesn’t have to be so masochistic. It doesn’t have to mean neglecting to eat, sleep and love. It doesn’t have to leave us ill and leave us constantly feeling inferior.

And besides, when complete overwhelm kicks in, the one thing that’s really going to help is the one thing that feels completely counter-intuitive.

Taking time out

Getting some perspective, stepping away and coming to the realisation that things will not crash and burn like we think they will if we take the afternoon out.

So please, stop googling how to be productive. 

Stop reading those Buzzfeed lists on how to increase your output.

Stop being so damn hard on yourself.

Stop thinking that every minute has to count - that you have to achieve something or get something done every second of the day.

Every minute counts, of course it does, it’s life! But I guarantee you won’t regret spending time with loved ones and making memories.

Let’s start a new conversation. A conversation about the need to take time out and stop glorifying being horrendously busy.

You don't have to be a morning person

I can say with a certain element of pride, that I’m never going to be someone that gets up at 6am to meditate and really embrace the new day. Now, I’ve seen my fair share of instagram pictures of nutritious smoothies, and read about the rituals of the zen and famous.

You know the ones I’m talking about - getting up at 4am to practice mindfulness and do a spot of morning yoga.

Now,  I’ve got no problem with that - I’m of the party that believes that if it works for you, that’s amazing.

But I do think sometimes, it can be a bit guilt inducing, whether it’s meant or not.

And I do think that it is mostly unintentional. It’s just people who’ve found something that’s rocking their life sharing it to help others.

But sometimes, it can just leave the rest of us feeling a bit urghh. 

It’s the idea that if you do X then you become a better person. If you can’t do X or you don’t make time for it, then you’re not dedicated enough, invested enough, good enough.

Usually, I think it’s our patterns and our stuff coming up.

Why can’t I do that. I’m secretly jealous but I’m not going to show it so I’m just going to get annoyed.

And I’m here to shut that down.

Damn, I love the idea of getting up early and greeting the new day with a spot of peace and nice candles, but going on my life experience, and knowing myself the way I do, I know it’s not going to happen.

Instead, I’m more of an owl, burning the midnight oil. I appreciate the evenings, and staying up late.

For me, I know that’s when I’m my most creative and inspired. And I know that’s also when I do my best work. And when I get my ideas that are just crazy enough that I think they might work.

And that’s the point.

It’s about finding something that works for you, not anyone else.

You know yourself better than anyone, and there are already enough hitting sticks in the world making us feel bad and making us feel like we’re not good enough. We don’t need something else to beat ourselves up over.

So instead of feeling bad, focusing on nourishing and cultivating your own best time of the day.

Use it to do things that make you feel good and feel inspired. Use it to achieve that feeling that anything is possible.

Use it to get through the day, or the next day.

Whether it’s night or day, or stupid o’clock in the morning, make it something you look forward to.

Are you a morning person or more of a night owl? I'd love to hear about what works for you in the comments!

5 things to remember when you're exhausted

I'm gonna be honest with you - I am exhausted. Things have been pretty hard lately. I've moved house, started a new job and haven't had much time for rest.

Emotionally, and physically, I'm exhausted. 

So, I wanted to share with you some things to keep at the front of your mind when you're overcome with exhaustion and you need that final push.

1. Exhaustion happens to the best of us

It's not something that happens to the weak, and it's not a trophy of our hardworking nature. It's the result of having lots of things that take priority at the same time, and not having the proper time needed to have some quality downtime. It's human. (Now breathe!)

2. There is an end

It might not be in sight right now, but there is an end to the madness. In the meantime, do whatever you can to take breaks and remember that this will soon be a distant memory.

3. It's not the best time to make big decisions

Decisions are hard enough when things are calm, let alone when there's a storm brewing. Make the decisions you need to and park the rest for finer weather.

4. Celebrate your small wins

I'm gonna keep on saying this 'till the cows come home. Split tasks into manageable chunks and take note of progress and let yourself feel good about what you're doing.

And most importantly....

5. Remember your WHY

It's easy to lose sight of the big picture when you're stressed out, exhausted and overwhelmed. Have a one minute check-in. Close your eyes and think of the three biggest reasons why you're doing what you're doing. Then march ahead.

Go keep fighting and doing what you gotta do, but please remember, if you don't take care of yourself and make yourself a priority, it ain't gonna be pretty. 

10 ways to make doing things that suck, suck less

We've all got things we don't like doing - things that suck. For me, it's bad attitude, washing up, getting up early, changing the bins, and being late. Generally speaking, we get over it.

Then there's some things that are just really shit. They might be a one-off, or don't happen that regularly like having a meeting with your boss that you know probably isn't going to great, supporting people you love through illness, or making decisions that you really don't want to.

Let's face it - everyone has their own definition of shit - what may be my worst nightmare may be just something you do in your day-to-day life.

And that's the way it should be, because we're all different. (Judging people based on whether their shit compare to your shit isn't ok hthough.).

Having things you can do to deal with the shit helps. It helps us get through situations that really suck, and builds our internal resilience.

So, today I'm sharing things that can buffer situations that suck, and ways to look after yourself in the process.

Because it's all about self-care y'all know!

1. Bubble wrap the thing that sucks

Think of the thing that really sucks as being a fragile item. To some extent it has to be there, but that doesn't mean that it needs to be exposed to all the elements. With that in mind, bubble wrap the experience with nice things that don't need much mental focus.   Before said shit thing, get a good night's sleep and have a hearty breakfast. After, plan a night in binge watching your favourite TV show, or reading a book.

2. Get some space and perspective

Too often, we get bogged down and the things we don't want to do become all-encompassing and they begin to blind side us. That's why taking some time our to get perspective is so helpful. For me, that means going to sit by the river near by my house, on my favourite log and just staring at the water and watching the ducks. It reduces my anxiety and reminds me of all the good things, and plans for the future. Whatever peace means for you, go try and get some before you embark on the rest of the day.

3. Get stuck in a good book

There's nothing like a page turner to get you out of your world and transport you somewhere far away. Say you've got a meeting that you're really dreading and know it's next week - a couple of days before, spend some time picking a book and getting really into it. A good book has got me out of the foulest moods many a time, and I really recommend it!

4. Phone a friend

Sometimes the thing we fancy doing the least is the thing that will help the most. Friends are there for the good and the bad, and it's okay to ask for help or for a listening ear. Ring up a close friend and talk it out with them. It's not about finding a solution, it's just about letting off some steam and getting support.

5. Put on your favourite music

Plug your headphones in and let them do the work. Choose music that makes you feel good, or you find cathartic, turn it up loud and let is carry you away. Sometimes this is all we need!

6. Have space for reflection

I'm of the belief that often the best learning curves and lessons come from the things that weren't great. And taking the time to reflect and think of lessons that can be learned from an experience can be great for dealing with future experiences.

7. Own your feelings, not anyone else's

We can only be responsible for how we feel, and that's something really worth remembering during shit times. How other people choose to respond is up to them. By putting in place those boundaries, we're less likely to feel powerless, and more likely to be able to cope ourselves. Just know that in every given moment, you're doing the best you can.

8. Remind yourself why you're doing it

Really go back to basics. Grab a pen and paper and write a list of the reasons why you're doing it. Keep yourself grounded by looking at your list before said shit things that put things into perspective. Sometimes we get the greatest gains out of doing things we don't want to do, and it's worth making sure the table is balanced.

9. Do something you really love

When faced with not so great situations, do something that makes you come alive. Think of things you absolutely love doing, and make time for them. I've written before on my blog about why we don't make time for doing the things we love. Make that time now.

10. Celebrate when it's all over

I'm all about celebrating small wins and finding closure to situations. It's more than making yourself feel good - it's about being proud of yourself for getting through it, and knowing you can get through hard stuff in the future. Go treat yourself to something, go somewhere you've been wanting to go and just celebrate yourself.

So there we have it, 10 things you can do to make doing things that suck, suck less. If you've got suggestions, I'd love to hear them below in the comments!

And remember, if all else fails, remember:

"No fim, tudo dá certo. Se não deu, ainda não chegou ao fim."Translation: "In the end, everything will be ok. If it's not ok, it's not yet the end.

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The links between grief and change

I’m sat in my dining room, just under four weeks before I move to London, looking out of the patio doors and I feel an overwhelming amount of sadness. This isn’t new. Since making the decision to leave my house and everything I know and chasing my dream of living a life on my terms and travelling, this has happened a lot.

That’s the thing they don’t tell you when you go to chase your dreams, or you make a big change in your life: sometimes the things you once took for granted become sources of sentimentality, and the very things you’re looking to escape regain their appeal.

It honestly feels a lot like grief.

And here’s the thing.

I’m pretty sure that grieving is an essential part of any change.

I left my job because it wasn’t making me happy. It was a job that a couple of years ago, I would have bet the winning lottery ticket on it being my dream job.  But it wasn’t, and I grieve that loss of something I had my heart set on.

I moved into this house thinking that I’d be in it for years to come, and my children would grow up in this house. I spent a lot of time making it beautiful and making it ‘us’. I looked forward to the family life.

I’ve spent the last two months wandering around my house knowing that I’m giving it all up. I’m giving up a lot of my personal space, personal possessions, and what I thought would be my dream lifestyle.

I do know that I’m gaining a lot more by leaving, but sometimes it’s hard to see that. I’m living somewhere surrounded by people I love and things I love, and sometimes I feel bad in wanting to give that up.

What works for you

But there’s one thing I’ve come to learn about myself - I only like stability if it’s short term and I can see I have options. The minute I think that something’s going to be the same way for a very long time, I start to feel trapped.

A lot of people around me don’t get that. I think they want what most families want - stability, security, comfort and same-ness. Sure, adventure is fun, but it comes with risks, the unknown, and unpredictably.

For the first time in my life, I’m not rigidly planning for what’s coming round the corner. I know travelling is on the cards, but we haven’t got firm plans. I don’t know if I’m going to be working when I get to London, and what job I will have.

I don’t know how I’m going to feel living a couple of hours away from my family and friends, especially when I’ve got a lot going on at home at the moment.

I don’t know what the future’s going to hold for me. I might decide to move to a different country. I may not. I might decide to live my life as a nomad. I may come home desperately wanting a family.

The thing I cling onto in moments like this is that the catalyst for this big move was wanting a drastic change in my life. I’m craving for more of the same right now, but it’s the same that’s been keeping me up unhappy at night.

But the dreams I’m chasing are the ones that keep me up at night, too excited to sleep. And that’s worth remembering.

Hold onto your dreams

So if you find yourself grieving while you’re making a big change in your life, hold onto the reasons why you’re making the change as tight as you can. And believe that everything will turn out just fine.

Because it will.

And no dream is worth giving up on, even if the road to your dreams is bumpy, full of twists and sharp bends. Because that road? It will take you to places you couldn’t have dreamt of, and sights and people you’ll remember all your life.

What happens when you make a change from a place of hope, not fear

I talked a while ago on here about being guilty of future tripping. Getting so lost in what we want to do in the future, and not focusing on the present. I also mentioned that I had big changes which I would share when I was ready. And I'm ready.

Turning my life upside down

In December, I handed in my notice to my permanent job. In January, I handed in my notice on my house. And in March, I'm going to be moving to London in with my other half's family for a while, to save up to go travelling.

I have literally turned my life upside down, and it’s pretty fucking terrifying.

I have moments where I just sit here and think when the hell did I get so brave. I also have times where the more rational side of me comes out wonders what the hell I'm doing.

But you know what? I'm going to be honest - my life situation - up until the I made the decision to really shake shit up - hasn't been serving me.

I'd been thinking about a change for a long time, but I was just too scared to jump. And when I say jump, the options I saw available to me were changing my job, and moving somewhere cheaper. They weren’t both, and moving across the country, and making my dreams of travelling a reality.

All that time thinking about the need to shake things up, I was seriously scared of change. I'd rather be miserable most of the time than take a leap into the unknown.

Sobbing and decisions

One evening in December, I just came home and sobbed. I felt really trapped. The realisation that we'd got a house which was beautiful, but was putting a lot of pressure on us financially and limiting our choices was starting to dawn on me. And the situation I was in employment wise just wasn't serving me anymore, and was simply making me miserable.

The two main and concrete things I had made clear decisions on in my life - where to live and where to work, were just draining

me.

But it wasn’t as movie-like as it sounds like - as if a rock just fell on my head and I woke up to face the music.

It was a long time coming, and it was an evening of really painful desperation, clinging onto any hope of things changing I could get.

It had always been my dream to go travelling and I’d started to believe it was never going to happen. The years were creeping by and I was putting it off for security, something I thought I wanted.

And security became a great excuse for not acting on my dreams, and staying in shit situations that I knew weren’t good for me.

A lot of the motivation for change came from knowing that the only thing stopping me was me

Fear's been what's kept me in my situation longer than was good for me.

I was only able to make the active decisions from a place of real hope rather than out of fear.

Taking risks

Yeah, of course it was a risk handing in my notice on both my job and my house, but luckily we're in the situation where we've got families who are being really emotionally supportive and won't see us homeless.

And I'm completely aware that if it wasn't for that, then our options would have been much more limited, and we're really lucky to have such supportive people around us.

But thankfully, it’s all worked out.

Panic number one has been handled regarding what’s going to happen to my beautiful bunnies. Thankfully they’ll be going to live with my Mum and Dad who love them more than me (I’m kidding, I think!) and who really need some bunny love in their lives.

As for the rest, and future panics, I’m prepared.

I handed in my notice early to have all of February to sort things out without stressing, and it’s working. I’ve got a long list of things to do, but they’re not all house related. I’ve got time to read books I’ve been wanting to read, as well as having time to bubble wrap things and sort through junk.

February is seriously busy for me, and I’ve also got a lot of illness in my family right now, and things are really hard.

But I know if I don’t do this now, I don’t know if I will.

And it’s exciting. But also sad (I’ll go more into that in future posts).

So that's why I've been a bit quiet lately. I've really missed blogging. It hasn't been because I haven't wanted to, but because things in my life are changing in such a big way.

I’m looking forward to keeping you guys updated, and living what I write about.

[Tweet "Sometimes we just need to get out of our own way and take another look at our dreams and really believe in them."]

3 reasons why we don't make time for the things we love (and what you can do about it)

It may come to you as no surprise if you’ve been around my blog for a while, that I love taking walks, and I love doing creative things like art journalling. They both make me feel really good, and they’re my go-to things if I need to clear my head, de-stress and take some time out for me. But I don’t do them as often as I would like to. And I’m guessing that if I asked you your top 2 things that make you feel good, you probably don’t do them as much as you’d like to either.

So what’s going on here?

There's three main reasons why we don't make time for things we love that I’m going to cover in this post. They can be easily overcome, to get more of the good stuff in our lives and to increase our sense of wellbeing in general.

Can I get a hell-yeah?

Great stuff, now down to it:

First reason - We get sidetracked

Life is so busy. And by busy, I don’t only mean the amount of things we need to do. I mean the noise, the level of busy-ness. We’re in the age of multi-tasking. You know what I mean - checking our phones when we wake up in the morning, trying to sneak in a bit of productivity while we cook the evening meal, being on your laptop while watching TV and catching up with family & friends on how their day's been. That kind of thing.

When it comes to doing something you love, allocate time just for that one thing. Put your phone on silent, turn off all distractions and focus. And take it seriously. Downtime for you isn’t something that’s negotiable on the To-Do lis

Self care is hard

There's this myth out there that self care is eeeaasy. It's like this ridiculously simple thing that needs no attention. Simple as running a bath right?

It's not easy

If this whole self care thing was easy, we wouldn't end up burnt out, exhausted and coming down with colds after stressful weeks. If self care was easy, you wouldn't have travel agents trying to get you to buy a trip to some luxury beach resort for thousands of pounds, just so you could unwind.

No, self care is hard. Maybe the act of actually doing things that make us feel good isn't typically hard (say, cuddling a furry pet, getting lost in a good book, going for a walk), but actually getting around to it and noticing it as something that's as vital as a looming deadline is.

Our lives aren't simple

There are always conflicting priorities. There's caring responsibilities, ridiculous work hours/pressure, insanely cute children, just to begin the list. All of us have so many things going on in our lives that tug us in different direction.

And when there are a million of things you could be doing, and feel that you should be doing, sometimes it's pretty hard to lay the boundaries down hard.

It's hard to make the active decision to do something that makes you feel good, even though it's naturally is going to have a positive effect on the rest.

We all know that, but it doesn't make it any easier. Not when we're in the mindset, and the habitual behaviour that our needs come last, and there's always something more important than needs doing.

So this week, I give you this challenge

When you're feeling stressed, like you're being tugged in different directions, or even if you're in one of those

The importance of being compassionate and mindful on social media

I love Facebook and Twitter as much as the next person. Yes they've changed the way we live drastically and while I know my Mum and probably your Mum want to go back to a day when if you wanted to contact someone you had to go to a phone box, I don't. But there is something I've come to really hate about social media. And that's the sharing of graphic, violent posts in the name of stopping violence and cruelty.

I'd much rather see a success story (while knowing that I'm only seeing the 1% of cases).

Seeing someone growing from a struggle is so much more impactful for me than showing a beaten face, a video of a beheading or a slaughterhouse.

Some of us are just too impacted by those images that we have to look away.

Some of us are now just too desensitized to it and I think that's even more of a problem. And when that's the case, people will just refuse to engage at all. And that's just lose lose for everyone.

I'm all for positive change. I've spent my career in the NGO sector and voluntary organisations. But sometimes it would be nice to see the great things on Facebook and Twitter.

Like how brave and fucking bold women who have experienced domestic abuse are. How loving families living in poverty are.

How human we all are.

I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that I will sign your petition or take action when I don't have these images thrust in my face.

It's not that I don't want to acknowledge the abhorrent in the world, it's just that's not something I want to just stumble on while on my bus to work.

Sometimes caring is not sharing. So be mindful when you post. And add trigger warnings. You never know what reaction someone might have.

Rant over.

The ultimate guide to future tripping

Are you guilty of future tripping? I absolutely am!

What is future tripping

At its most basic, future tripping is when we occupy our time thinking in terms of the future. While there are a number of reasons why we all do it, it's basically when we're stuck in what we want our future to look like that we lose out on the present.

I first heard the term used by Jess Lively, and thought to myself, shit that's what people have meant all those times they told me to enjoy the present!

Future tripping usually occurs in two ways:

1. We're too busy worrying about the future, or end results of thing we're doing to enjoy the present so we end up future tripping

2. We don't like a situation we're in, but not ready to make a change, so end up fantasizing about our future instead.

For me, I spend a lot of time thinking about what my future holds, what I want to do, what I want to create, what I want to do with my time tomorrow.

Basically, future tripping is leaving the present to worry about the future.

Future tripping is something we all do to some extent, some more than others. And it's something we're brought up learning to do. What do you want to be when you grow up? What do you want to do with your life? You need to think about the future! Sound familiar?!

Here are some examples of how future tripping happens in our everyday life:

• Getting an opportunity/job and only focusing on how its going to impact future career decisions in a couple of years time, instead of celebrating new things

• Sitting in your office, dreaming of travelling and not doing anything to achieve it, other than spending an obscene amount of time on Trip Advisor at home

• Being at the dining room table surrounded by your loved ones, thinking not of how much your loved ones mean to you, but worrying about that deadline/chores/the kitchen sink.

• Spending all your time talking about the future

The thing about future tripping? We miss out on some great things that are happening/could be happening right now.

Don't get me wrong, future tripping is a great form of escapism and can be the source of making some  huge changes in your life. But, if your circumstances aren't great (you're in a relationship/job/house/place that doesn't serve you), you can easily sink into the black hole of future tripping.

Now, I could talk until the cows come home (or until Michael Buble shows up at my front door) about the importance of being present/ways to be present, but that's of no use if you can't see the dark underside of future tripping.

Future tripping helps you to imagine change, but without actually doing something to get it.

That's until you wake up one day, realise how truly shit you find the situation to discover that you're not any nearer to solving the situation. And that can be a pretty dark place.

You know what they say about how visualising your goals/telling someone you know about them can give you the same feeling of euphoria that you'd feel in achieving them? With future tripping, it's the same.

You can get so stuck in dreaming about your future, or worrying about the future, that you've completely let go of the present.

FUTURE TRIPPING WEB

Future-tripping's best friend

That's where action and planning comes into it - future tripping's counterpart. When we actively do things to change a situation, that's when we make the changes.

But, no matter how much you hate the reality, unless you truly acknowledge it, you're not going to do anything to change it.

And if you spend most of your life stuck in future tripping, you're sure as hell not going to enjoy it.

So what can you do to stop yourself from being caught in the trap of future tripping?

1. Be gentle with yourself - future tripping is learnt behaviour and takes a long time to change.

2. Recognise when you're future tripping and bring yourself back to the present.

3. Create some practices that keep you in the present:

When you're getting ready to go to something that you know you'll really enjoy (a birthday meal, visiting friends/relatives, going on a big trip or just going on a walk in beautiful weather), grab a piece of paper and write a list of what you're currently worrying about. Leave your worries behind on that piece of paper. It's up to you if you pick them back up when you return.

Start a gratitude practice. Each evening find three good things that have happened during your day to make you smile. Doing this right before you go to bed can make for a much better night's sleep.

Absorb the moment. When you're in a good situation, lap it up. Take a mental photograph of the moment, and enjoy it.

Future tripping is a call to action.

Whether that's making a big change in your life, or a call to live in the present, that's up to you.

Stay tuned as I have a very exciting post to come about how I'm taking action against future tripping in my own life, right now!

How I fell in love with commuting

For the better part of the last ten years, I have been getting coaches all over the country.  9 hour coach journeys to meet one of my closest friends, about a thousand 3 hour journeys to see Mr. Meg when we had a long distance relationship and a 2 hour daily commute when I was working as a community development worker.

Forced to relax

During this time, discussing my frequent coach journeys with colleagues and friends was met with loud groans and mainly one word. Why?!

Let’s be honest, preferred methods of transport don't typically involve stuffy buses, with infrequent air conditioning, strangers with smelly food and extremely limited option to escape.

But for someone who has great difficulty sitting still, it’s been another story completely.

Having to be quiet, to sit still with just myself and my thoughts/a book/music forced me to relax (and nap!). There’s something about countryside flying by, dazzling lights of hundreds or so cars and usually a beautiful sunset makes it difficult to be productive, to do some extra work and tackle an endless to do list.

When I was making much more frequent trips than I do now, I really relished the time to just think. Think about different things flying around in my head, not just about something I was planning, somewhere I had to be, something I should have done. But actually reflect, to see life in terms of the bigger picture, not just the bubble that so many of us feel contained by. In many ways, it felt like borrowed time.

Space to breathe

Not only that, it would really help to get my creative juices flowing, allow my mind to wander, and allow me to breathe - apart from the times when the bus sewerage failed, that’s another story.

Obviously, being forced to relax shouldn't really be the only reason or opportunity  to relax. But in a world of to do lists, e-mail alerts at two in the morning and a nagging voice in the back of our heads, this is a good first step in the art of relaxation.

So next time you’re faced with a couple of hours of what I'm going to refer as passive time, what are you going to do? Pack a book you've been looking forward to reading, make sure you've got headphones, and my number one tip, double check you've got something to make your neck nice and comfy when you (inevitably) doze off.

And for those of you who (are lucky enough to) commute, chances are, you don’t get paid to be working on a fast moving vehicle (think of the insurance!). And we both know that if you work while commuting, you  probably won’t exchange that for down time when you get home.

Things you can try

Instead, upload some podcasts about something completely work/day to day unrelated, pick up a book you keep picking up longingly on your way out the door, or listen to a playlist of songs that make you smile/feel alive, and breathe.

Enjoy being you, because you are amazing company.

So what about you? Are there occasions when you’re forced to relax? Or opportunities you could take for some borrowed time? I’d love to hear about them in the comments.

Calling bullshit on the glorification of busy-ness

*Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece, not intended to offend but to challenge and call bullshit on both the unrealistic expectations women are expected to meet and the expectation that we must put everyone before ourselves.*I woke up this morning at 4am, and after making myself a carrot and apple smoothie, I went out for a 10k run, followed by a quick pop to the local swimming pool to get some lengths in.

After gulping down my smoothie at home while reading the paper, managing my calendar, sending work e-mails and feeding the dog, I picked up a home-made muffin as I rushed off to work, where I literally saved the world banking crisis. In half an hour.

My lunch hour (or 15 minutes I should say because I’m so committed to my job) consisted of running errands for my neighbour and solving world poverty.

After another five hours of sweat inducing report writing, and eating a snack box of celery (you burn calories as you eat didn’t you know), I’m off to pick up the kids from school, with their twenty-three friends for after school raw vegan organic tea and cake (which I grew and baked myself, of course).

After they went home and I bleached the house from top to bottom, did all of my spring cleaning and ordered another round of Christmas presents online, my friend called because she’s having a huge crisis, so I popped over to see her in-between baking a cake for my ill grandmother and meeting world leaders to resolve the situation in Gaza.

Now it’s ten o’clock at night. I’m on Facebook sharing a status because I want everyone I’ve ever met to know how super busy I am. I’m even doing my nightly beauty regime at the same time, consisting of kegel muscle exercises (tight, relax, tight relax) so I’m not caught by surprise when Oprah turns up in the middle of the night to give me a trophy

We are not superheroes.

Superheroes don’t exist.

This is not an aspiration.

This is bullshit.

[Tweet "We can't be everything to everyone. "] We can't pour our heart and soul into everything we do.

The people who we think have got it together the most? 100 dollars says they haven't.

Like we know the photos of women on the front of the cover are photoshopped and aren't real, these expectations are also unattainable and impossible.

I'm calling bullshit, and I urge you to choose yourself instead.

How spoon theory will change your life

When a lot of people think of the things they want in life, money and success might be up the top there. That might have even been what we had up there in the past. But when you're in the deepest trudge of burnout, energy goes straight up to number one. Not having the energy to go and do what some of us don't even think about doing (read showering, leaving the house, going to the corner shop) is one of the hardest things to deal with.

Run out of bread for toast? No problem, I'll pop to the shop down the road. Need to go post a letter? No problem, I'll just pop to the post office when I'm on my way home. Need to shower? Well duh, that's already taken care of when I got up this morning.

Some things just feel impossible

With burnout and chronic illness? The response to some of those tasks goes something more like this:

Argh! You what?! How am I supposed to do that? Getting out of bed feels IMPOSSIBLE. 

I just can't do it.

And that is tough to admit. As people who are used to always coming up with the craziest ideas, having fifteen tabs open in one go, scheduling every hour of our day, it is completely unfathomable. And if you're not there, you're chugging along, feeling overwhelmed and like everything is crashing down on you, it might be a case that you're not there yet.

I've been in both situations. More than once.

There's no easy solution.

But there is one thing you can do - you can try and sit back and reflect on the reality of the situation.

What I mean by this, is look at the situation, not from the perspective of how much energy you had before, but now much energy you have now.

And plan from there what is realistic.

Because when we start looking at our situations from a place of self compassion and love, we are better able to make decisions based on what will be good for us.

From a place of could not should.

How spoon theory can help

One thing that I've found really helpful in doing this, is the spoon theory.

I first heard of it through the lovely Liz Goddard from The Pillow Fort and it has since played a massive part in my life.

The idea is that we can count our energy in terms of spoons. We have a certain amount of spoons a day, and it's up to us to determine where we put our spoons.

Each activity we do costs a certain amount of spoons, so we must look closely at what we want to do in a day, sacrifice some activities and prioritise others depending on how many spoons we have.

Because each day we may have a different amount of spoons, it's up to us to determine what is possible for us, without exceeding our spoon limit (and increasing our levels of burnout).

It's simple

It sounds simple. It is simple, but it has revolutionised the way I plan my days.

I'll be talking more in the next couple of weeks about self sabotage vs self compassion, but for now, spoon theory is where it's at.

Here's to planning our days out of self care and self love, and counting our spoons.

If you've used spoon theory before, or are using it for the first time, I'd love to hear all about it in the comments below!

Why believing you matter will change your life (and the world)

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The below image is the front page of my Radical Self Love Bible (if you haven't already checked it out, I can't recommend the Radical Self Love Bible School by Gala Darling enough!)

And I'm really happy with my front page, because it reminds me that no matter how shit a situation it is, if you can not only remember but believethat you matter, then you can get through all sorts of things.

Small changes and big changes, good things and great things - they all stem from believing that you matter.

But the most important thing? It's about hearing it from ourselves, not relying on other people to make us feel great.

Other people are great at telling us what we're doing wrong, and what we can improve, and that's what we end up focusing on. Think about it - when was the last time someone gave you criticism?

Now - when was the last time someone complimented you?

It's harder to remember the last one isn't it? And I bet the negative comment played on your mind for a lot longer.

The thing about feeling like you matter, is that when you start believing it, all kinds of things start falling into place.

You start making decisions from a different place; one of self value and worth. You start treating yourself better, which can only be good, and you start suddenly finding routes and ways for things you've been wanting to do but thought were a long distant dream.

Sounds good, right? So how do we go about believing that we matter?

Practical Tips

1. Do something you're good at, often. It doesn't need to be so impressive. Recognise your strengths and play to them when you can.

2. Do something you enjoy. It's as simple as that. Get lost in something that makes you feel amazing, and live in the moment.

3. Build a protective bubble around things that make you feel shitty. Have a job you hate? A relative that makes you want to scream? Build great things around the time you spend doing things that aren't so great, and remember them, often.

4. Do something that scares you. When you face fear and do something that scares you (even if only a little bit), you get to see first hand just how strong you are, and how you can tackle things you never thought you could.

5. Think about the things you'll regret not doing, and try and find a good reason not to do them. If you can find one, forget it. If you can't, make a plan.

You fucking matter. You really do. And it's when you start to value yourself that you make the change in the world, that only you can do. 

Learning to choose yourself over unrealistic expectations.

A lot of us set ourselves high expectations. Sometimes they're not realistic, and we spend time beating ourselves up, full of self sabotage. That's why I want to share my story of 'failure' with you today.

A month ago, I wrote here on my blog about this year being the year to complete NaNoWriMo (50,000 word novel in a month).

Well, it didn't happen.

I can officially say, I failed.

What actually happened?

Well, I got about a week in, got to just under 7,000 word and decided the pressure I was putting on myself just wasn't worth it.

I was starting to feel a sense of dread about writing every day; I knew it was unlikely that I would make the word count, and it even got to the point where I was starting to feel a bit nauseous and very stressed at just the idea because I've had so much else going on in November.

Because that's the thing about NaNoWriMo - you have to be willing to put most of your life on hold to complete it, and be able to completely 100% dedicate yourself to just your novel.

And you never know what will happen in a month.

Not to mention, that when you start off with a (very) vague plan and not much else, it's pretty hard. I mean, I didn't even have an outline of my story. I was a bit doomed from the outset to be honest.

Not that other people haven't managed it, but I for one didn't.

So I've officially failed.

But, what about unofficially?

Well, I'm fucking proud of myself.

I might not have finished but I made a great start. Writing aside, I was able to make the decision not to continue, instead of putting myself through the stress like I would have a couple of years ago. And I stopped when I was still enjoying myself, so I know it'll be a project I return to some day.

I had a good look at my expectations and chose myself.

I may have not been able to write a 50,000 word novel, but I've been blogging consistently, three times a week for the past three months (which works out to be about 30,000 words, with additional top secret side projects on the side). And that's no mean feat.

But it is not about the word count. It's about the fact that I've loved writing every single blog post.

I've got lists and lists of future post ideas, I feel really inspired, I feel confident with my writing and I'm enjoying it! 

Isn't that the point?

You can apply this to any of your goals. Reframe the situation: you might not set out to achieve what you wanted to, but on the way, I'm sure you'll do things that you didn't think you would, and you'll find things that you've been wanting to do for a long time, that you're already doing without even realising it!

So I can officially say I'm ending 2014 without writing a novel, without achieving one of my dreams. But on the way, I collected more goals, that I have achieved and managed my expectations.

And they're worth their weight in Harry Potter books.