9 Life lessons from my house bunnies
Two years ago this month, I bought my two house bunnies, Harry and Gilby. Aside from providing eons of entertainment and cuteness, I think between them, they’ve modelled quite a few lessons about how to live a good – and very furry- life, which I’m going to share below like a proud mother: 1. Everyone […]
Two years ago this month, I bought my two house bunnies, Harry and Gilby. Aside from providing eons of entertainment and cuteness, I think between them, they’ve modelled quite a few lessons about how to live a good - and very furry- life, which I’m going to share below like a proud mother:
1. Everyone should binky with excitement.
** If you’ve never seen a rabbit binky, you have to check it out here. (It will make your day, or at least make you smile). **
As humans, generally speaking, we don’t randomly binky, or burst with excitement. Whether this is because we’re reserved, or we’re worried about being judged, I don’t know. But what I do know is that life would be a hell of a lot more fulfilling if we did show our excitement, and let loose once in a while! So next time you feel excited, or feel the random need to dance around, just go for it.
2. A good nap does a lot of good
Whether it’s mid morning, after lunch or late evening, Harry and Gilby LOVE a nap. Harold tends to lie like he’s impersonating roadkill, and Gilbert likes to flop on his side in the most dramatic manner possible.
The lesson here? Monitor your energy, and be OK with the times where there’s nothing you’d rather do than get back in bed with the duvet over your head and take a quick snooze. Nothing wrong with it, in fact, it’s quite cute. And we all like to be cute sometimes, don’t lie.
3. Boundaries are a good thing
Chances are, you probably don’t need to corner off parts of your house to stop yourself from eating cables, laptop charger wires, bank statements, the book you’re reading… you get the picture. (If you do, I can totally help you with this). But what you do need is to have healthy boundaries around your health, your relationships, your work and your time, to be able to take care of you and make sure you treat yourself, and others treat you in a way you like. So go corner off the parts of your life that you want to protect and put up good barriers to keep them clear.
4. Stomp like your life depends on it
When a rabbit in the wild is in danger, they stomp to alert other rabbits of the danger. When you have a house rabbit (that has no concept of real danger), they stomp when you don’t feed them on time, when they don’t like their hay, when they want attention, and when they want you to come downstairs in the middle of the night and think someone’s breaking in. When you have two house rabbits, they do all of the above, and set each other off and copy each other - no one tells you this when you decide to take the little bundles of fluff home. Short lesson here: put your foot down to things you don’t like, stand up for yourself, and expect to be treated in a way that is respectful. If not, stomp it like you mean it.
5. Staring into space helps
Gilby and Harry seem to find staring at the wall a leisurely activity. Apart from the times where they both stare at a particular spot in the room and stomp (and I get worried that my house is haunted), they seem quite content just to daze off. Some of my best ideas have come to me when I’m absent mindedly day dreaming or carrying out day to day tasks. Heck, the idea behind That Hummingbird Life came to me in the shower one day. Lesson here? Life is about showing up, and giving yourself space to daydream. You never know what thoughts are going to show up.
6. Everyone needs a cuddle sometimes
Nothing more, nothing less. But try and make it someone you know.
7. Appreciate the little things in life
A short story here. When Harry was a baby bunny, he lost half his body weight in four days, he nearly died but he didn’t, that’s all you need to know. The vet prescribed pineapple juice which we had to feed him through a syringe (to help his stomach) and I have never seen a happier or more excited living thing in the history of my life. And that was over pineapple juice! So while you’re planning big things and buying expensive things that you think are going to make you feel better about your life, don’t skip the small things. Chances are, when you look back over your life, it was the little things that will stick out the strongest and have the biggest impact on you.
8. Don't do what is expected of you
Despite everything you read about bunnies, Harold and Gilbert are totally un-fussed about carrots. I'd go as far as to say that Harold doesn't even like carrots. Not even a teeny bit. And people are always surprised when I tell them, or when they offer to look after them and assume that they just need to feed them carrots. In fact, carrots actually make them a bit ill. The moral of the story? Don't do things because you think you should or because you think it's expected of you. Do things because you want to, and because they make you feel good.
9. Things will always work out in the end
Whether they’re being binkying, napping, trying to get to cables, stomping, staring at the wall, being cuddled or drinking pineapple juice, all of the activities have one thing in common. Everything works out in the end. They wake up and trust that I’ll feed them. Which I do. They flip over and have a nap and trust that they’ll be rested. And they are. They vaguely clean themselves and trust that I’ll make a fuss over how cute they are. And I do. The lesson here? Everything will be alright, everything has a way of working out even if you can’t see it right now. And if everything’s feeling up the shitter right now, contact me and I’ll send you some pictures of the terrible twosome which I guarantee will make you go awww.
Repeat after me: I am not superwoman
Maybe people have called you Superwoman. It feels good, right? We’re in control, we’re pleasing everyone, we’re doing all that we can, we may even become canonised (a step too far?). Right? Ummm. Being Superwoman may be a massive compliment regarding how we treat others. But it’s not such great news for how we treat […]
Maybe people have called you Superwoman. It feels good, right? We’re in control, we’re pleasing everyone, we’re doing all that we can, we may even become canonised (a step too far?).
Right?
Ummm.
Being Superwoman may be a massive compliment regarding how we treat others. But it’s not such great news for how we treat ourselves.
But what does it actually mean?
It probably means that you take little-no time for yourself. And that doesn’t work. Because we need to look after ourselves in order to do anything, to breathe, to be happy, to help others, to name a few. (read this piece).
But I can do everything. I am Superwoman, I hear you say.
Well, let’s look at the facts. You don’t have the (sexist) outfit, you don’t have the cape, and I know I’ve talked about flying before, but I didn’t mean actual flying. People may call you superwoman, but evidence suggests otherwise (sorry, not sorry).
What you do have though, is an amazing set of skills and gifts which are unique to you, which you can use to work for you in a way that could only ever work for you.
What you don’t have is a limitless amount of energy and time. And these are the things that run out quickly, and lead to burnout and overwhelm.
Instead, it means that you have a set amount of energy and time, and it’s up to you to decide what works for you.
Hesitant?
Well, it’s actually a good thing. Those things that take up a long time that you think you should be doing but you hate? Those things that you do for people that they don’t even appreciate? Those times that you spend working your arse off with no recognition?
Throw them away, and start putting your time and energy into things that you enjoy, and that work for you.
Because it all comes down to expectations.
The more unrealistic expectations we put on ourselves are, the more stressed we get. And the more we do for others, not complaining or putting ourselves first, the more other people expect us to do.
And life shouldn’t be about doing things just because you expect yourself to, or others expect you to.
I haven’t quite figured out the meaning of life yet, but I know living it whole heartedly and having fun are a key part to any good life.
So hang up your cape, keep the boots on, and enjoy being you. You don’t need to have superhero capabilities to do amazing things in the world.
And you don’t need wings, or a cape to fly.
Celebrating the shit out of your small wins
When it comes to standing up for yourself, changing habits, achieving goals, and basically anything in life, there’s one thing that’s going to help. And that’s starting to celebrate the shit out of your small wins. So, what is a small win? It’s doing something small that will help you achieve a larger goal, or […]
When it comes to standing up for yourself, changing habits, achieving goals, and basically anything in life, there's one thing that's going to help. And that's starting to celebrate the shit out of your small wins.
So, what is a small win?
It’s doing something small that will help you achieve a larger goal, or helps you into doing something bigger.
I know that sounds really shitting obvious, but often, we don’t take the time to see all the little things that amalgamate to the big thing.
I mean, we could all do with the reminder every now and about that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
Because something that’s really easy to forget.
As technology changes, we’re getting used to instant gratification. Want to buy something? Quick click and it’s done. Want to learn a new skill? Sure, there are a thousand video tutorials to choose from.
And at some point we started applying the same strategy to our goals.
We start wanting to achieve our goals before we’ve even decided what they are.
So when we decide that we need to learn to say no, we expect ourselves to be able to do it straight away.
The thing about small wins
is that once you start celebrating them, the journey gets that much better, because we’re giving ourselves a boost and acknowledging our achievements.
Think about that infamous saying, happiness is a journey, not a destination.
It’s so true.
And if we can make that journey even richer, the better.
So, today, I’m going to share a small win I had yesterday.
Our landlady has just arranged for someone she knows to clean our windows. We already have a window cleaner we pay privately, but obviously, it make economic sense to cancel our window cleaner, and go with the new one, which will be covered by our landlords.
That of course involves telling someone I don’t want their service anymore.
It might not be for you, but for me, that’s an awkward situation, because I’m not a huge fan of conversations where I turn people away.
So, I explained the situation to him, was nice about it, and low and behold, he got it.
And it was easy. It wasn’t awkward, he was lovely about it.
I could have berated myself about making a big deal about nothing, but I reframed it into a positive and it felt good.
How about you? What’s something you’ve done today that you can celebrate?
No win is too small, and no celebration is too big!
It’s the small wins that will keep you on track to wherever you’re heading.
7 ways to become assertive and stop people pleasing
I used to be scared of being assertive. I thought I would alienate people, turn people away, and I thought people would just think I was a massive bitch. I’ve spent a lot of my life being a people pleaser. While I dress in bright and bold colours (that never match), have colourful language and […]
I used to be scared of being assertive. I thought I would alienate people, turn people away, and I thought people would just think I was a massive bitch. I've spent a lot of my life being a people pleaser. While I dress in bright and bold colours (that never match), have colourful language and like thinking outside of the box, I've spent a long time in fear of offending or being rude to people, and being judged.
And being a people pleaser is exhuasting. But the things we don't even consider are the most damaging:
* When we're busy people pleasing, we're telling ourselves that we're less important, and that our needs are less important
* Our decisions are made from a place of fear and wanting to appease others, instead of for ourselves
* We're putting a lot of ourselves on the line for other people, who probably don't even think twice.
And there lies the problem. When we're scared of being assertive and are busy people pleasing, we're looking at the outcomes based on other people’s perception, instead of thinking what it would do for us.
Fast forward a couple of years, and I've learned to be assertive.
And funnily enough, becoming assertive didn’t make me a bitch. Instead, I feel like I have more control over my life, which makes me happier.
By standing my ground, I actually find that people have more respect for me and my confidence has grown.
And people know where I stand. When I said yes to something, my friends and family know I mean it, instead of going along with it to make life easier. And the same goes with saying no.
It's a hard transition, going from someone who is worried about being judged by the decisions they make, to someone who approaches the world with the same level of kindness, but more rough around the edges. But from someone who's been there, there are lots of things you can you can do to make it a bit easier and start the journey.
1. Write a manifesto
Knowing what you stand for is one of the best foundations you can have for becoming assertive. A manifesto is a no holding back declaration of who you are - it is unapologetically you. It's generally just for you, and encompasses everything that makes you you, forgetting and not caring what others might think.There are lots of resources you can use for this, but Alexandra Franzen's guide to writing a mind-blowing manifesto is a favourite of mine. You can find her guide here.
2. Think about people you like who are assertive
Somewhere along the line, being an assertive woman became synonymous with being a bitch. As women, we've spent centuries fighting for our right to have a voice and be listened to, so it isn't surprising that we struggle when it comes to assertiveness. To challenge this belief, have a think about a friend or family member who you like, who is also assertive. Does their assertiveness make you like them any less? How do people react to it? What do they do when they're asserting themselves? Chances are, they're things you can adapt for yourself, and remember - they had to learn to be assertive too.
3. Make a list of the positives that will come with being assertive
I love a list. I particularly love a list that's useful, that you can stick up somewhere. Have a think about why you started reading this post in the first place. Why do you want to become assertive? What do you think you'll get out of being assertive? Is it so people will stop taking the piss and taking you for granted? Is it because you're on the final straw and have just had enough of people treating you the way they say fit? Put it all down, and put it somewhere that you'll see it. That way, when you're putting boundaries into place, you know the wider perspective of why its so important.
4. Be realistic about the people you're worried are judging you
I'd say 95% of the people you see on a daily basis (in a supermarket, at a bus stop, in a cafe), you are never going to see again. And as horrible as it might sound, they're minds are probably full of problems in their own world, and they won't care if you fringe looks a bit wonky or if you assert yourself in a queue. They don't really care as they have bigger fish to fry.
5. The swimming costume story
Building on from the last point, I want to share you a story that my Mum told me when I was younger. I remember being terrified about going swimming because I thought my thighs were fat. I thought people were going to judge me. I thought people were going to laugh at me and point and stare. I shared my embarrassment with my Mum and she told me that the people in the swimming pool would be more worried thinking about how they look, and their own hang ups to even register mine. And she was right. I went swimming, no one pointed and laughed, and I had a lovely time. The same is true now. People are too busy worrying about being judged themselves than they are judging you! Unless they're really horrible people, and if so, read this.
6. Be kind to yourself
At some point, if we want other people to stop judging us, we need to stop judging ourselves. We're so fixated on negative things we think about ourselves, that we don't even stop to think that other people probably haven't even noticed. Keep a list of compliments that other people have given you, write a list of things you do like about yourself. See the good things, and focus in on them.
7. Find little ways to be assertive.
This can be as creative as you like. It could start with telling someone who's pushed in a queue that you were in front of them. It could be sending food back in a restaurant if it's not cooked right. It could be getting used to asking people in a shop where things are. The steps you take and how big they are will all depend on your situation, but remember to count each of your wins, no matter how small. (But don't turn into a dictator and be nasty to people just for the sake of testing our your new assertiveness skills, that's not cool).
Some people won't like it when you become assertive but that’s their problem. There’s nothing wrong with sticking up for yourself and saying no. Though it does take practice, it infact makes your life easier in the long run!
But let’s face it, life is never going to be easy, but that doesn’t mean you need to sabotage yourself and make it harder!
So, to wrap up, I just want to say a couple more things that are really important. Firstly, learning to be assertive takes time. Don't beat yourself up every time you slip up. Accept that it's a process and celebrate the small wins along the way. Keep a list of them, and feel good, because you should!
And, lastly and most importantly, remember:
You weren't born to take up space, your feelings are just as important as anyone else's and you fucking matter.
3 ways to say no and stop people taking you for granted
“It would be easier, and quicker if I just did it.” “It will cause an argument if I said no, and I hate conflict” Sound familiar? I thought so. So let’s take a couple of scenarios: 1. You’re at work and your colleague is taking a loooong time to do a basic task. Sometimes you […]
“It would be easier, and quicker if I just did it.”“It will cause an argument if I said no, and I hate conflict"
Sound familiar?
I thought so.
So let’s take a couple of scenarios:
1. You’re at work and your colleague is taking a loooong time to do a basic task. Sometimes you jump in to offer them help because it’s a less painless experience all round. But this time, you’ve held back and they’ve asked for your help. You know fully well that it’s easier to do it yourself than explain it so they can do it. You’ve got quite a few deadlines yourself but it’s only going to take about half hour and it’s just easier all round if you get it done with. 2. You’re out with a partner/friend and you’re going for a bite to eat. You’ve been wanting to try this quirky new restaurant for a while now and hear the menu’s great and you both agreed this sounded like a great plan last week. Now it’s come to crunch time, they’ve changed her mind and you end up agreeing to go to the restaurant you usually go to. You would put your point across but you don’t want to ruin the night and cause a scene.
So what’s going on here?
Quite a few things, but namely two:
1. You feel that it’s easier just to go along and do what is asked of you
2. You avoid conflict
Hence, you say yes to both. And your urge to say no remains.
But it’s not really what you want. In the first situation, while you may have the time to do it, you’ve also got your own work which is a much bigger priority. Taking just half an hour out to help a colleague (and it wouldn’t be the first or the second time) will inevitably put you behind, increasing your stress levels in the long run. And if we’re brutally honest, you’re not really helping your colleague in the long run, because they won’t learn what they need to. They’ll keep scraping deadlines because you help them, hence becoming dependent on you.
In the second situation, you’re not being true to yourself. Because you don’t want to cause a scene (and I’m not judging, I’ve done this plenty of times), you’re happy to sacrifice your own wants and needs. You don't want to remind them of your conversation last night because you don't want to ruin the evening. What we don’t often consider, is that in doing so, it’s creating a power relationship where you never get your way, and there’s little compromise. You end up going along with something you didn’t really want to keep the peace. And nobody wants to end up in a resentful friendship/relationship.
Let’s be honest, both scenarios are a bit shit.
When you’re stuck in a situation where saying no is the easier option or saves you an argument, here are some things you can do:
1. The Broken Record
This is one of my favourites, but I can’t claim credit for it. The Broken Record is an old technique taught through counselling, to help set boundaries. It’s as simple as this - come up with a statement that reaffirms the point you want to get across and keep repeating it. For example:
“I’m really busy right now, but if I get time to have a look at it, I’ll let you know” - sets the boundaries and leaves the ball in your court. Win!
“I’d really like to do x, I’ve been wanting to for ages and thought it would be nice to go together.” - You’re putting your needs out there, unapologetically and have considered the both/group of you. Win!
You can alter how you say your broken record statement, but keep the essence the same to make boundaries as clear as possible and to avoid confusion.
TAKING YOU FOR GRANTED WEB
2. Be objective
If someone is asking you to do something, try and be objective. This is hard at first, because it involves taking the emotion out of it, but it gets easier with time.
For example, let’s say your neighbour asks you to go and pick something up for them just as they can see you’ve come home from your weekly shopping trip, it wouldn’t make sense to go back out. It would take more time (which is limited), more money (to get there and back) and implies it's okay that neighbour can keep asking you to do things last minute.
It may be a case of applying the broken record and coming to a compromise. Maybe they can let you know earlier in the week should they need something.
3. What would you say if didn’t give a shit what other people thought?
This can be as harsh or as friendly as you want it to, depending on the circumstance. For example, telling someone to fuck off and do it themselves is probably rarely necessary, and is definitely not going to help in a working environment. But if you’ve got good banter with a friend, used in a humorous way, it might put your point across firmly.
The best way to use this technique, is to come up with what you would say if you didn’t give a shit what other people think and hurting other's feelings and translate it into something a bit nicer.
Give them a go, and let me know how you get on! Saying yes to things you don't want to do does make life harder for you a lot of the time. You may save an argument on a particular occasion, but that's a lot of resentment to store and hold onto.
Remember. saying no means less doing things that you don’t want to, and more time to do things that you actually want to do. This makes for a happier you and better relationships with people around you. And that's got to be a good thing!
I'd love to see if this has helped you! Let me know in the comments!
7 ways to manage your self-sacrificing guilt issues
If you’ve ever heard yourself saying, or thinking… ‘But I’d feel bad if I didn’t’ ‘I feel so guilty if I take time for myself’ ‘Looking after myself is so selfish when there are other people less fortunate than me!’ Then, this one’s definitely for you! The problem with guilt is that it’s such a […]
If you've ever heard yourself saying, or thinking... 'But I'd feel bad if I didn't'
'I feel so guilty if I take time for myself'
'Looking after myself is so selfish when there are other people less fortunate than me!'
Then, this one's definitely for you!
The problem with guilt is that it's such a motivating factor. Think about it, we start diets after Christmas because we feel guilty about eating and drinking too much. (Well, personally I don't feel guilt around this, but I know enough people who do). When we've let a friend down, we usually go out of our way to make it up to them, motivated partly by guilt. When we say no and see the puppy dog eyes, or hear the disappointment in their voices, we feel guilty, and our timid no becomes an overbearing yes.
But there are two main types of guilt. Healthy guilt, and unhealthy guilt.
Healthy guilt - I just dropped my sister's baby and I haven't told her.
Unhealthy guilt - I just spent all day helping a friend and she wants me to go with her to this thing she doesn't want to go to on her own. I really don't want to go but I'm going to feel so guilty if I don't go, because I'll have let her down.
What we're looking at in this post is the unhealthy guilt that pokes its head up when we want to say no. It brings with it a set of obligations and expectations. And as passionate women who want to make meaningful change in the world, we often place our obligations and expectations on ourselves and they're sometimes unrealistic.
Other times they're expectations placed on us because we like to present an image of ourselves which is indestructible and super-woman like.
But sometimes, let's be honest, people just flat out take the piss out of our good nature. You know what they say, if you need something done, ask a busy person.
And guilt, it can be such a physical thing. It can drive you to feeling really ill, it eats away at you, and we often think that we won't get rid of it until we do the very thing we feel guilty about not doing.
Talk about a vicious cycle.
And here's the thing. Guilt traps us. It keeps us in a perpetual cycle of stuckness between fighting to be a good person, and going with what we really think/want.
Good person tug (that sounded so much less wrong in my head): Even though I really don't want to, if I do it, then that will really help them. I'd feel so bad if I didn't.
What we really think tug: I'm exhausted, I can't do anything more for anyone. I just want to go home, have peace and quiet and just be left alone for a bit. Oh, but I'll feel really guilty if I don't do it.
Guilt tug: No, I have to do it. I might not want to, but it's the right thing to do, and I can't just say no because I'm exhausted, that would make me really selfish.
Hence guilt usually wins in a battle between our want to be a good person, and what we really need.
As passionate people, and especially as passionate people who want to change the world for the better, we've got high expectations, firm principles and a moral code which we abide.
And as women, I think it's fair to say traditionally, we're used to putting our needs last. We're used to making sure everyone and everything else is okay before we take our own slice.
If you fuse those together, you've got the perfect recipe for a guilt martini.
So, what can I do about it, I hear you say. Well here's some pointers/excercises you can apply to your own situation, but first of all, I just want to make an aside.
There are numerous articles out there that tell us to simply let go of guilt, like it's that easy. Bullshit. If it was that easy, therapists would be out of a job, we'd all be doing what we fucking well liked, and we probably wouldn't burn out in the first place. Guilt isn't something that goes overnight, but with work and understanding, we can start to manage it and transform it.
So here goes:-
1. Acknowledge guilt for how heavy it feels and how much it has to do with our mindset. By acknowledging that mindset shifts take a long time, and rewiring our brains takes a lot of work, takes the overwhelming pressure to get it sorted right now.
2. Watch out for when guilt shows up - when we become more aware of when we feel guilt, we can start to identify what kind of things trigger it. Is there a theme? Is it to do with work? Is it to do with particular family members? Looking out for it and identifying what triggers it goes a big way in terms of understanding it. And when you understand it, you can try to adapt it.
3. When you start to feel guilty, take yourself out of the situation. What I mean by that, is run through the situation as if it was a problem one of your best friends came to you with. What would you say to them? Would they need to feel guilty?And try and take your own advice. This is a great exercise for seeing for yourself just how high the expectations you place on yourself are.
4. Find or create something that reminds you of how good a person you are, because you really are! Whether it's a list of things you've done that make you feel good, or a keepsake someone has given you, keep hold of it when the guilt sets in and let that pull you out of the vicious cycle.
5. Take some time for yourself, and when you're better rested, think about it again. Chances are you may have changed perspective after giving yourself time to replenish and rejuvenate.
6. Say fuck it, and move on. More about this approach to life in a blog post to come, but for now, let me tell you, those two words work wonders for all situations.
Next time someone asks you something and you desperately want to say no, but yes is on the tip of your tongue (because guilt has set in), take a couple of seconds and just breathe. Ask yourself is this really what you want?
If not, politely decline, don't go overboard telling the person you'll make it up to them (cue more guilt at a later date) and follow your gut.
After all, like someone wise once told me, 'If you can't look after yourself, how are you going to be able to help anyone else?'
It's not arrogant or selfish to put yourself first. Remember that.
Why self care is a form of protest
Somewhere between the stone age and today, the world has turned bat-shit crazy. The other day, I read something and had a reaction I don’t often have. ‘Protest is a form of self care.’ I just stopped. You know those serendipitous moments where two seemingly different things that have played a major part in your […]
Somewhere between the stone age and today, the world has turned bat-shit crazy. The other day, I read something and had a reaction I don’t often have.
'Protest is a form of self care.’
I just stopped.
You know those serendipitous moments where two seemingly different things that have played a major part in your life come together?
Yeah, that.
(And if that doesn’t make sense, imagine your new friend you’ve just met turning out to be a close friend of an old childhood friend).
So if protest is a form of self care, is self care a form of protest?
Absolutely.
We live in a world where we’re expected to work every hour of the day. We’re bombarded with solutions to the problem of how to be more productive. We sleep less and less. We spend more and more on shit we don’t need.
Seriously, think about it. How many people end up living to work, rather than working to live?
How many of us end up being glorified by our friends and family because we do so much for everyone else, and never ever put ourselves first? Even if we’re exhausted, ill and teetering on the edge of burnout.
Self care is a legitimate form of protest. It’s a way of putting our middle finger up to the rest of the world, and saying that it’s not okay to value ourselves. It’s more than fucking okay - it’s necessary. And self care is a necessity.
It’s about standing up for yourself, and acknowledging that you matter just as much as the causes you’re fighting for, the people you’re looking after and the world that you’re trying to improve.
Please, take a stand for yourself. It’s not selfish, it’s not pointless. Your wellbeing fucking matters.
This one word could change everything
As passionate women who are committed to making an impact in the world, we tend to say yes a shitload more than we say no. Imagine: 1. A colleague asks you if you could do a bit of extra work as they won’t get round to it and they’ve got a really important deadline to meet. […]
As passionate women who are committed to making an impact in the world, we tend to say yes a shitload more than we say no.
Imagine:
1. A colleague asks you if you could do a bit of extra work as they won't get round to it and they've got a really important deadline to meet. You've always got on really well with this person on a personal level, but this isn't the first time they've asked. You wanted to get home normal time because you've had a really long week and it's the one night of the week where you have the house/flat to yourself. You can nearly hear that book calling you from your bedside table. But you know if you do that piece of work, it'll be great for your company, and it really doesn't take much.
2, A friend asks you last minute if you can have a quick look over a letter they're writing. You're rushing out of the house and need to get going, but you love your friend, and know it won't take long. You don't want to be late to dinner with your sister, but you're sure she'll understand when you explain it. Everyone usually does, afterall!
Let's say you say yes to both your colleague and your friend. Despite being completely different scenarios, there are two things that are happening here.
1) You technically could do it
2) You're putting their needs ahead of your own.
Technically, you could stay around to do that extra bit of work, or read over that letter for your friend. It probably wouldn't take you that long, and sometimes the end justifies the means right? Both are possible, feed into your image of being a good person (no offence, I'm completely with you here), and are pretty easy.
But let's throw a couple of other scenarios into the pot as well.
Technically you could create a pair of wings, go jump off a building and try to fly.
Technically, you could eat your body's weight in chocolate,
Technically, you could sell your left foot on the black market.
But it doesn't mean you're going to. You I could do all of those things, but it doesn't mean you should. They would end in a great result, to say the least!
The difference between the situation? Acknowledging the difference between could and should.
Let's shake shit up. Technically you could do it, but that doesn't mean you have to/should do it.
Here's the thing. When you say yes for the reason that you could do it because it is possible, your needs go further and further down the list. It's only something little, you tell yourself.
But when you add all of those little things together, including the energy and time, that leaves very little left for you.
They add up.
So here are some things to try out:
1) Most important, life changing tip - replace your shoulds with coulds
2) Deliberately say no to one thing that you could do, but you don't want to (for whatever reason).
3) Watch and monitor how people react when you say no. Is it what you expected, and how does that make you feel?
I don't know about you, but when I replace should with could, life feels a bit lighter. I feel like I have more choices, I feel like I'm a bit more free.
Pep talk - what do you keep meaning to do?
Last night I did something that I’ve been meaning to do since this time last year. It’s not profound, it’s not impressive, it’s something that’s really simple. And that was get in bed at 7pm with a good book and spend the whole evening in bed reading. That might not be your cup of tea, […]
Last night I did something that I've been meaning to do since this time last year. It's not profound, it's not impressive, it's something that's really simple.
And that was get in bed at 7pm with a good book and spend the whole evening in bed reading.
That might not be your cup of tea, but bear with me.
Last November, I went to Geneva for a long weekend by myself. I'd already spent most of every day by the Lake, visiting the Red Cross Museum (I would thoroughly recommend it) and having a good explore. It got to the night time, and I wasn't staying in the nicest of areas and I also hadn't clocked on how expensive everything in Geneva would be. (It was also very dark). So I decided to have a night in, as in from 5pm onwards.
It was the first time I had ever spent a weekend alone, and although I was terrified before I went, it was the one weekend that taught me that my own company is something I hugely value.
I'm sat in my hostel after cooking creamy tomato pasta (my lack of French meant I ended up putting a whole tub of creme fraiche in, yuk), and wondering what to do.
The thought crosses my mind just to get in bed and settle down with the new Jodi Picoult book I'd bought. So I did, only slightly judging my boring self for not going out to do more exploring.
And it was one of the nicest and relaxing evenings in I can remember.
Since getting back, getting in bed early with a book has been something I've tried to do, and often failed. Life often gets in the way, and often, I'm just not in the mood.
So, last night, I just did it.
I knew I had a couple of things I needed to do, but I put them to the back of my mind, and just got in bed and opened my book.
And the first thought that came to my mind was, why do I not do this more often?! But instead of beating myself up about it, I just enjoyed the moment and finished my book, waking up feeling more rejuvenated than I have in the last couple of weeks.
So that brings me back to the title of this post. What do you keep meaning to do? I don't mean a chore, or something that's on your to-do list. What's something that you've done before and meant to try again? What's something relaxing you've always fancy?
Now, go and do it. And if you can't do it, schedule it in for the next couple of days. You don't need a reason for it, just do it.
It's often the things that our mind and bodies need that we fail to do, because like I said before, life just gets in the way.
So do it now, bask in it, and plan to do it again!
What do you keep meaning to do? Get out your planner, and schedule it in! And tell me all about it in the comments!
Writing, success and unrealistic expectations
It’s often been said that every person has a novel in them, but they never write it. This month, I’m on a one woman quest to come to peace with my fear, create healthy expectations, and do something I’ve talked about doing my whole life. Since I was about six, it has always been my […]
It’s often been said that every person has a novel in them, but they never write it. This month, I’m on a one woman quest to come to peace with my fear, create healthy expectations, and do something I’ve talked about doing my whole life. Since I was about six, it has always been my ambition to be a writer. I always wanted to write novels, and I have many novels that I’ve started and never finished.
I remember going through pages and pages of a4 lined paper, having folder after folder of started stories and character ideas.
Pressure
I’ve always been able to write well, and was never shy of telling my teachers, my parents, basically anyone who was willing to listen to me, that I was going to be a writer.
And, as often happens when the talents we have as children are recognised, the compliments and reassurances started to come in. ‘You’re going to be the next [insert great author’s name].’ or ‘I look forward to picking up one of your books from a book shop one day’.
As well meaning as the support was, I felt a huge amount of pressure. I internalised the pressure, and the biggest source of pressure came from myself. As I’ve written about before, I have really high expectations of myself, and have lived most of my life having binary views.
I was either going to be a bestselling author, or not bother.
I spent a good ten years trying to write and not producing anything. Every time I looked at a blank page, I panicked. If I wrote a paragraph and it wasn’t right, it was going in the bin.
Frustration about not being able to write quickly turned into shame. I felt embarrassed that I hadn’t achieved what everyone thought I was going to.
That blocked me even further.
And then I really felt like a failure.
It got to the point that I knew something that to be done. I had to take a really honest look at my belief system. Did I really believe that there was no point in writing if it didn’t produce a bestselling novel? Did I believe that in order to be a writer you have to produce stunning works of art, or writing as a form of expression was perfectly okay?
Did I believe those things for everyone, or did I believe them just for me?
It turned out that those were expectations and beliefs I put just on myself. They applied only to a bubble of one.
After re-evaluating what success looks like for me, and starting to journal, I found that the blank page was no longer like looking down the edge of a cliff. Blank notebooks once again became an opportunity, and I started to believe that even if I only write for myself, that is enough.
So, this year I’ve decided to take it one step further and this month, I’m going to be writing a novel. As part of Nanowrimo (National Novel Writing Month), my aim is to write a 50,000 word by midnight November 30th.
I’m not going to lie, it scares the shit out of me.
But, because I have so much to write in so little time, I haven’t got the option to start ideas and stall on them and I haven’t got time to listen to the voice in my head that’s telling me not to bother.
This experiment is about so much more than writing a novel.
It’s about putting my beliefs into practice and having realistic expectations; what I write is not going to be a masterpiece, and that’s okay.
And right now, I’m 2,000 words behind on my word count, and I’m okay with that!
What a noisy hamster can teach you about escaping
I’ve been looking after my sister’s hamster for the last week. While being a zippy little thing and quite cute, she also has a problem. All she’s been focused on is escaping. And I mean that’s all she wants to do. I’ve had hamsters before, and yeah, they’ve all chewed the bars and driven me […]
I’ve been looking after my sister’s hamster for the last week. While being a zippy little thing and quite cute, she also has a problem. All she's been focused on is escaping.
And I mean that’s all she wants to do. I’ve had hamsters before, and yeah, they’ve all chewed the bars and driven me mad in the middle of the night in their squeaky wheels in what looks like an effort to get the heck out of there as fast as they can. But nothing like this little thing.
And she’s so nearly there! She knows where to pull the bars to get the door open, she’s just missing it by one bar!
In between wanting to open the cage and let her out myself because the noise is so infuriating, I started thinking.
We all want to escape at times
Whether it’s a job you don’t like, a need for a holiday now! or simply needing to get out and get some space to breathe.
And sometimes, like the hamster, we just miss an opportunity, or we’re not poking in the right place.
Sometimes we get so close and it just doesn’t work out.
Here’s my thinking - if you want to escape bad enough, you probably could. I mean, the ways you could go about it might not be a choice that you'd choose to make, but there are probably options.
But sometimes, like the furry thing, we spend so much time trying to change things in a way that just doesn’t work.
We can see it’s not working, but if we try hard enough, it’s going to work out, dammit. Right?
No.
At some point we need to change strategy.
Sometimes we need to change our tactics. Sometimes we need to take a risk and trust things will work out.
Exercise
So, if you’re struggling with needing to escape right now, get out a pen and paper and do a spider diagram of everything you can think of to change the situation/get out of the situation.
Include the ridiculous, include the downright impossible, because these might just hold or hint to the solution you’ve been looking for.
Include everything, and once you’ve got a wide range of options, only cross off what is physically impossible (including things you wish you could do, but can’t do right now because it would jeopardise your health, say for example taking on more hours when you’re at your limit).
Once you’ve done that, properly think on all of the ideas you have left. Do it with a friend, do it with a family member. Don’t cross off anything until you’re 120% sure it won’t work.
See what comes up for you, and you might just find that escape plan you’ve been looking for.
I'd love to hear how you get on in the comments!
Shit storms & silver linings
This post is part of Mary Sabo’s wonderful Misfortune Into Opportunity blog tour. Be sure to check out her blog tour for great stories made out of hope and heart. I like to find silver linings. I’d say I’m a pretty optimistic person and my smile tends to eat up (more than) half my face. When things go […]
This post is part of Mary Sabo's wonderful Misfortune Into Opportunity blog tour. Be sure to check out her blog tour for great stories made out of hope and heart. I like to find silver linings. I’d say I’m a pretty optimistic person and my smile tends to eat up (more than) half my face. When things go wrong I tend to find the positive, do what I’ve got to do, then move on.
But while I like to see the positive, I’m a firm believer that we we learn lessons when we’re ready. And that time is usually when we’re out of the shitstorm enough to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Sitting with the shit
Sometimes, bad situations just call for sitting with the shit, not forcing a rainbow/silver lining before you’re ready and just riding it out.
That’s definitely been the case for quite a few occasions in my life where things haven’t gone to plan. And during those times, they all felt shit. They made me want to curl up in a ball, get under my duvet and cry with sadness/frustration/anger.
And for the most part, I did.
The one where I got turned away from a job for being too passionate - Hah, this is a good one. I went for a job as a mental health support worker, and had missed getting it by a ridiculously small margin. When I asked for feedback, they eventually told me I was too passionate and that some might think it was ‘over the top’.
So what did I do? My boss at the time gave me her car keys and let me sit in her car while I cried my eyes out.
And a couple of days later, I realised that my passion is my strength, and if other people have a problem with it, we’re probably not suited.
The one where I ended up on my own in another country - to cut a very long story short, I was meant to be visiting a friend who had moved to Switzerland but it didn’t work out. I ended up making the decision to go anyway, and booked myself in a cheap hostel for a couple of days, despite being terrified and not in a great place myself. So I got on that plan, got to my hostel, found a cute little cafe, got a hot chocolate (which was gross) and felt really sorry for myself.
Looking back now, some time later, I can see that my trip to Geneva was a huge stepping stone in me starting to enjoy time alone. I actually really enjoyed having time to myself, and since that trip, I’ve made sure that alone-time is now a staple part of my week, in order to energise, process things and just breathe.
The one where I spent three weeks angry - I went to Ghana a couple of years ago, with a large non profit organisation on water project. We worked in a remote village, and spent the first couple of days working with the people of the village, asking them what they thought was the solution for the lack of clean water in their village. Even though none of them wanted it, the organisation made a decision to build a rain water harvesting system. And we were much less equipped with the tools to build it, than the local tradespeople. (That and we were told to go and convince the people in the village that they were wrong about spirits living in their river, beliefs that had been passed through generations).
I remember phoning my partner, ranting about the whole experience and sitting with how demoralised and let down I felt.
But I learned one of the biggest lessons of all: helping people is about working with them with the tools they already have, and building up their toolbox.
Three different experiences.
They all felt like shit at the time. And I sat with the shit, and when I was ready, the lesson appeared.
With time away from the experiences, I can see all of those memories from a different angle. I had the time away from them, I’ve got through them, and been changed by them. Looking at them from a place where I’ve learned valuable lessons, I can say they are worth going back and re-living the experiences again for.
Framing misfortune as opportunity is a great way to grow and learn about yourself, but it’s also something that often comes after the experience. Sometimes long after.
At the time, it’s often best to sit with the shit.
[Tweet "Instead of suppressing things and minimising bad experiences, acknowledge that you’re feeling shit, allow yourself to feel shit, and own that shit!"]
Look out for silver linings, but if you can’t find one, that’s ok. You’ll see that glimmer of opportunity when you least expected it, and these are sometimes the most valuable things to learn of all.
What silver linings have come out of your own shitstorms? I'd love to hear all about it in the comments!
You are worth more than your to-do list!
Got a to-do list on the go? Got it with you right now? Good. Now rip it up. I’m being serious. Rip it up, just today. You are more than your to-do list. You are more than the sum of everything you have to do today. If, and only if, the world will end if […]
Got a to-do list on the go? Got it with you right now? Good.
Now rip it up.
I’m being serious.
Rip it up, just today.
You are more than your to-do list. You are more than the sum of everything you have to do today.
If, and only if, the world will end if you don’t do the items on your to do list, pick just three.
You are here, you are alive and you have hopes and dreams.
Living your life, means exactly that. Living it.
Being present, living in the moment and experiencing things.
Go do something that makes you feel alive.
Decision making 101 - heart vs logic
When was the last time you made a decision for yourself without relying on others? For some, that might not even be an issue, for others, it’s a bit of a wake up call. Giving decisions away I have always relied on others to help me make decisions. I find big decisions scary, and have […]
When was the last time you made a decision for yourself without relying on others? For some, that might not even be an issue, for others, it’s a bit of a wake up call.
Giving decisions away
I have always relied on others to help me make decisions. I find big decisions scary, and have always asked people around me for their ten cents (or twenty, hell, maybe a dollar). I can recall plenty of times where I would have happily given the decision for someone else to make, just for it to be out of my hands, and for the decision to be made dammit. This was the case when deciding whether to quit a job, change courses and get my adorable house rabbits.
In the past, I’ve got myself so het up trying to make decisions that I’ve ended up feeling sick, and becoming truly obsessive. I’m like a girl with a one track mind (minus the filth).
If you spoke to me on any given day a couple of years ago and asked me what my gut feeling was, it would have gone something like this:
‘I think I know what I should do, but what if a happens. What is b doesn’t happen. What about c? What do you think?’
‘I shouldn’t do it. There. I’ve made my decision’. A couple of minutes later ‘Nope, I’m going to do it, ahhhh I don’t know what to do’
Hence the need to rely on others in making decision.
But here’s the thing. When you start relying on others to help you make decisions, they’re not your decisions. This may seem obvious, and it is, but there are a myriad of underlying factors that I didn’t realise while running to other people:
1. The only person that has your best interests at heart is you
It doesn’t matter how much someone loves you, or does for you, at the end of the day, the person who cares most about what happens to you is yourself. I’m not being mean, I’m telling you the truth. Hence the best person to make decisions in your life really is you.
2. The people you turn to may have their own motives
Hard to admit but sometimes true. And they might not even realise it.
3. Your self esteem
Take a minute to think about the internal messages you’re sending to yourself when you’re looking to other people to (help) make decisions for you. You’re telling yourself ‘I can’t do this on my own’, ‘I don’t trust myself to make a good decision’ and ‘Other people have more control over my life’. These aren’t good messages.
4. Dependency culture
If you get to the point where you can’t make a decision without phoning a friend (or using a lifeline - kudos if you got the reference), you become dependent on other people. Power within relationships becomes reinforced and that doesn’t make for a healthy relationship.
But we don’t think of them. We focus on how much better it is to have more people involved in the decision making process. Maybe there is even some relief, that if it doesn’t work out, you’re not the only one to blame (or so you may tell yourself).
I’m not advocating for all decisions to be made by yourself all the time.
I’m advocating for trust in yourself.
[Tweet " You know how to make good decisions for yourself."]
Exercise
If that sounds all good and well but you’ve got no idea how to go about it, try these on for size:
• Set a timer- there’s a great quote that says that every problem can be solved in 15 minutes. Next time you’re stuck, set a timer, apply the below and see where it gets you.
• Make a decision and don’t go back on it, (if it feels right.) Sometimes our decisions aren’t logical. Sometimes, what may logistically work out, is the very thing we try to avoid. (For example, let’s say I want to make money. It may make logical sense to climb the corporate ladder in a job I don’t enjoy. That’s just not going to work for me, because I value my time a lot more than I value money). The heart usually wins over the mind.
• Pros & Cons list - good old fashioned two column list works like a treat, just be sure to remember that some points are worth more than others, so tallying each side up and seeing which one is the highest doesn’t always work.
• What makes you feel good? As long as you’re not exploiting others, this is often the best to go with.
[Tweet "Living a whole hearted and heart centred life starts with trusting yourself."]
You, and only you are the expert in your life.
You know what makes you happy, you know what makes you want to scream, and what sends you running for your duvet.
Friends & families are important and they do matter when it comes to the big decisions, but when you’re making a decision to make your life more [insert your own adjective here], you’re the only one that can make the decision and get it right.
How to deal with dreamshitters (or when to tell people to fuck off)
Some people are just dreamshitters, soul crushers and downright mean.* I think you know who I’m talking about. That friend who patronises your ideas and points out all the flaws in any plan before you’ve even finished your sentence. The teachers, the older relatives who want you to just be realistic. Or the people who […]
Some people are just dreamshitters, soul crushers and downright mean.* I think you know who I’m talking about.
That friend who patronises your ideas and points out all the flaws in any plan before you’ve even finished your sentence. The teachers, the older relatives who want you to just be realistic. Or the people who like to shout you down and give their opinions for no reason.
Whether you’re starting out, trying something new or just going about your daily life, people just love to criticise.
This post isn’t about becoming sympathetic to where their issues are coming from. It’s not about enhancing empathy skills or practicing loving kindness.
It’s a gentle reminder of when to tell people to fuck right off.
So let’s take a look at the three main groups of dreamshitters and possible solutions.
1. The Helpers
These are people who might genuinely have our best interests at heart and may even have no awareness as to what they’re doing. This is an important group, because it’s often this group that are closer to us, and often the people we turn to support for when we’re in our hour of need or feel like giving up. Now, there is a certain level of understanding there, but something much stronger and important needs to be in place as well. Boundaries. It’s perfectly ok to change conversation, refuse to talk about any plans you may have, and brush off comments. But if they continue to belittle and undermine your dreams, it’s ok to tell them to fuck off.
2. The Know-It-All
These are the people who have seen and done everything that life has to offer (hell, they’ve even got the matching pants). These are the not-quite-acquaintances who seem to have experience on a myriad of life pursuits and feel the need to make judgements on every aspect of your lifestyle. You know the ones - ("I remember the time when I…." or "Really? You’re thinking of doing that? I remember when…"). Those. Cutting them off short and leaving the conversation is a good idea. Alternatively, it’s ok to tell them to fuck off.
3. The Shitters
Oh these people just love to spoil your fun. They’re quite happy to make a comment, carry on with the rest of their day and not give you a second thought. A shout out goes to the online trolls and the people in the street who feel you need to hear a running commentary of how you look today. (A particular shout out to the man on the bike today who felt the need to make his opinion of my breasts known to me while I was sitting on a bench by the river. He may or may not have inspired this post.) These are the sad people who get their kicks from humiliating people in public. Depending on the situation, it’s ok to tell them to fuck off - it may help or exasperate the situation. Flipping the bird is also an option.
Many people don’t chase after their dreams. There are billions of reasons why.
But for many people, it comes down to one main thing.
Chasing your dreams is fucking scary. The fact that you’re even considering it puts you lightyears in front of the general population.
Let alone if you act on them.
So, stand tall, hold your head up and be proud.
Whoever you are, whatever you’re doing, no matter you dream, don’t let the shitters get you down, not matter how much they are just trying to help.
*I do not take credit for ‘dream shitters’. This gem comes from Jo Tucker of http://jo-tucker.com
Just because you can, doesn't mean you should
I recently had the (un)pleasant experience of travelling to Glasgow via a Megabus Sleeper Service, and, in my pursuit to find a silver lining in the situation (I had seven and a half hours), I learned a valuable life lesson. There are things that are possible in life. There are things that are pleasant in […]
I recently had the (un)pleasant experience of travelling to Glasgow via a Megabus Sleeper Service, and, in my pursuit to find a silver lining in the situation (I had seven and a half hours), I learned a valuable life lesson.
There are things that are possible in life. There are things that are pleasant in life. There are things that are worth doing in life. This wasn’t one of them.
While lying on my side in a double bed with a stranger (who turned out to be quite nice), not much bigger than one of my rabbit’s hutch’s, it struck me:
Just because you can fit around 50 people in ‘beds’, on a coach, doesn’t mean you should.
Lesson? Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.
Take, for example the hours in the day. It’s possible to attempt to spend every hour of every day being productive. Does it mean it should be tried and repeated? No, because that’s a sure road to burn out.
Just because you can put your heart and soul into everything you do, doesn’t mean you should.
Just because you can stalk Ryan Gosling all over the world, doesn’t mean you should (sad face).
[Tweet "Do something because you love it, because it brings you joy, because it makes you smile."]
Not just because you can.
As for my love affair with coaches? We’re on hiatus. For quite some time I'd imagine.
30 things you can do to relax in under 5 minutes
I haven’t got time to relax What’s spare time? Slow down? Are you serious? I have so much to do. Everything will fall apart if I take my eyes off the ball. This sound familar? I’ve certainly found myself saying a lot in the past, and these kind of phrases are something I hear often […]
I haven’t got time to relaxWhat’s spare time?
Slow down? Are you serious? I have so much to do.
Everything will fall apart if I take my eyes off the ball.
This sound familar?
I’ve certainly found myself saying a lot in the past, and these kind of phrases are something I hear often now from clients and people around me.
It’s something that I completely understand, which is why I've created a collection of fun and relaxing things you can do in under five minutes for those days where you need time out, right now, but have a gazillion things to do.
And if you can’t find a way to free up five minutes a day, I think we need to chat.
Alternatively, if you have more than 5 minutes, going through the whole list in an afternoon sounds like a pretty good day to me!
Here we go, with Part One!
1. One person dance party
This has to be one of my favourites and it’s courtesy of the lovely Jo Tucker of jo-tucker.com. Find a couple of songs that make you feel happy, make you feel alive, or make you forget about other things you’ve got going on right now. Put them on, nice and loud, and have a good dance in your living room (or bedroom, or bathroom, or wherever really!) Dance you worries away. (My recommended songs for doing this: Holy Ground - Taylor Swift, Can't Hold Us - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis and Wake Me Up - Aviccii.
2. Meditate
When you have a million and one thoughts going on in your head, often the last thing you want to do is sit still, breathe and try and forget everything. There’s often so much to do, we’re juggling so many balls (don’t even go there!) that we dare relax because we don’t want to miss anything. For those of you in this category, I can’t recommend this illustrated guide enough: ‘Quiet the Mind’ by Matthew Johnston. It’s full of lovely colourful pictures, exercises and I think it would be near impossible to find someone who didn’t feel calmer after reading it.
3. Read an article
And try and make it completely unrelated to whatever you spend your most time doing. If you’ve got your own business, forget the go-to blogs for increasing productivity and sales. If you’re an avid campaigner or work in the caring profession, avoid anything too heart wrenching or close to home. Instead find something else that fascinates you, be it the autobiography of one of your favourite writers, an illustrated guide to something creative or even just a list of uplifting quotes.
4. Look at a candle
Sounds silly, but don’t knock it till you try it. Find a comfy seating position, light a candle and watch the flame. Get lost in the flickering and allow yourself to daydream and get lost. Kudos for a nice scented candle, my personal favourite is pumpkin or apple pie. Yum.
5. Play with an animal
When I’m sad or angry, upset or frustrated, I can always turn to one of my bunnies for a quick pick me up, or instant relaxation. If you’ve got a pet, go give them a cuddle. If you haven’t, there are plenty of cute videos of animals that will make your troubles melt away in no time. (If it doesn’t work the first time, repeat, then repeat again.)
6. Walk around the block
A little walk goes a long way. That’s my philosophy anyway. A five minute walk is good for the heart as well as the soul, and exactly the kind of thing you need if a) you haven’t left the house in a while or b) every time you leave the house it’s for work or for someone else. Grab you coat (weather depending) and go for a walk. Try to look for things you haven’t noticed before and appreciate living in the present.
7. Look at a nice picture
Whether it’s looking through photo albums (or dropbox) at photos that make you go awww, or browsing for stunning landscapes on Google, spend five minutes looking at things that make you smile. Get a fresh perspective, zoom out of what’s going on with you right now and find something to be in awe of.
8. Browse some quotes
Pinterest is the perfect tool for relaxing. Setting up an account is simple and you never need to show anyone your boards. Type in whatever you’re in search for right now (hope, courage, inspiration, motivation) and let the beautiful quotes and graphics do the work for you. If you're stuck in a rut, a vision board might just to the trick.
9. Sip a hot drink
Sometimes, all it takes is wrapping my hands around a warm drink (in a nice mug) and sipping something nice and sweet (ever tried a steamer? It's warm milk with a syrup, yum!). There's something about warm drinks that can melt away troubles and let out a big sigh.
10. Doodle
Grab a piece of paper (back of a receipt, napkin, anything you can find) and start doodling. You don't have to be an artist - though you can take it up as a hobby and learn - and you don't need equipment. Set a timer for five minutes, take your biro and just doodle. Listening to music sometimes helps. Let your thoughts wander or try and clear your mind and take it out on the paper, dammit!
11. Vine
Many an hour of mine has been spent on Vine. Vines are really short videos uploaded by users all over the world and range from hilarious to downright bizarre. Whether you're in the office, at home, or on the move, put your feet up and put on a compilation. If you manage to keep your viewing time to just five minutes, let me know as I’ve never managed it!
12. Savour a piece of something sweet
This is a great exercise that I learned in my Positive Psychology training. Grab a piece of fruit (or chocolate!) and spend five minutes looking at the texture, the smell, the feel and the taste. Take as long as you can to eat it, and really bask in how it tastes. Remain completely focused on what you’re eating and let it bring back memories, and find new flavours you might ignore when rushing around as part of daily life. (If you want to extend this exercise, I totally recommend a tub of Ben & Jerry’s phish food, and Whip It. Just saying…)
13. Check in with your senses
You can do this anywhere, and there are about a million ways to do it, but I'm just going to suggest two:
a) You can do a five minute body scan which involves shutting your eyes, focusing on your breath and checking in with every part of your body. See where you're holding tension in your body, and release it.
b) Shut your eyes, and focus on what you can hear. What's in your immediate surroundings? What sounds further out? What can you taste? What can you feel around you? What do your feet feel like on the ground? What can you smell? Now open your eyes and look for three things you haven't noticed before, take a deep breath and continue with your day.
These exercises keep you grounded in the moment and you should return to whatever you're doing with a clearer mind and relaxed state.
14. Put headphones in with no sound
This one sounds so strange, but I can't tell you how well it works! Whether you're on your way somewhere and don't want to be disturbed, in a busy area or at work, try this on for size. It's sometimes great to feel like you're in your own little world, and putting headphones in blocks every day noises away just enough for you to get a bit of peace and quiet.
15. Look for a yellow car
There's a saying that what you focus on gets bigger. Sometimes a bit of mindful distraction is exactly what you need when feeling stressed to the max. If you're near a road, focus on finding a yellow car. They're rare enough to warrant the need to focus on finding one, but common enough to realistically find one, so win win! You can also do this for different colours, and see what you notice that you other wise wouldn't.
16. Do five minutes of yoga
I am no yoga expert. Laughter yoga yes. But yoga yoga, no. But there are lots of ways you can learn, and there are lots of positions and postures that you can do in five minutes which are great for your body and soul. There are lots of videos of yoga poses you can do at your desk, just like this one.
17. Funny videos on Facebook
Facebook can be a source of good and evil. Let’s face it, sometimes we get sick of baby pictures and seeing what the person you went to school with made for breakfast. But, there’s also a lot of funny shit that we don’t take the time to look at. For five minutes, scroll through your timeline and only click on the funny videos and pictures. Let them cheer you up. And if you don’t have Facebook, check out this awesome video featuring a talking guinea pig:
http://youtu.be/jW3XtKBlTz0
18. Guided meditation
We touched briefly on breathing and meditation last week, but I wanted to take some time to discuss this in more depth. Meditation is a great way of accessing a sense of calmness. Try this one. Or you can read Quiet the Mind, a FANTASTIC illustrated guide to mindfulness. Think children's book meets meditation = awesome.
19. Wash your face/give yourself a quick facial
Doing something we wouldn’t usually or spoiling ourselves can be a great confidence boost. Take five minutes to look after yourself and make yourself feel good! And if you’re looking to extend the activity you can find recipes to make your own face masks here. Though, maybe just stick to the banana. The vinegar and the mayonnaise ones make me want to vom.
20. Tidy and de-clutter
Although I generally live by the rule of ‘Why should I clean my room when the world is such a mess?’, tidying and cluttering can be great for the mind.
21. Water your plant
Raise your hand if you’ve ever had a plant die on you. Yeah, me too. But it’s nice to have something pretty to take care of, and plants give off oxygen and shit (science really isn’t my forte - I totally didn’t just google it to make sure I was right). But it is relaxing looking after a plant. I don’t know why, it just is.
22. Phone a friend
You can always rely on friends to cheer you up. Ring up one of your close friends and ask them what funny things have happened to them lately. Or just catch up with someone you’ve been meaning to call in a while. Whether you end up laughing or simply feeling loved, it’s a win win situation.
23. Close your eyes and think of the last time you had a good belly laugh
I love this one. So much so that I’m going to share the last belly laugh I had. It was on the tube in London with a lovely friend and I shared one of my favourite jokes:
Knock knock
Who’s there
Harry
Harry who?
Harry Potter
Didn’t say it was funny, did I?!
24. Send someone special and e-card
Sometimes it’s all about the little things. There are loads of great e-cards (or you could send snail mail) to choose from, and it's guaranteed make a loved one’s day. Bonus points as it will make you feel all warm inside as well.
25. Google a new recipe and print it out
Shaking up your kitchen is a great way to relax, especially if you love to cook, which I do. Think about the things in your fridge, or a meal you’ve been meaning to check out, and print it out for later. Alternatively, look up recipes on Pinterest and see what you find!
26. Scrunch or rip paper
Similarly to a stress ball, ripping up paper and scrunching paper into a ball can be a good reliever of all things stressful. Extra brownie points for writing down a list of things that are on your mind and ripping them up. Let it go. And no, I wasn’t quoting Frozen.
27. Make a gratitude list
Establishing a gratitude practice can really improve your life. Not only does it allow you to live more in the present, but if you do it regularly enough, you’ll find yourself actively looking at things in a different way, and searching for more things to be grateful for. One of the easiest ways to do this is to write down three good things that have happened to you in the last 24 hours. Alternatively, there are gratitude apps as well.
28. Write a short story
You’d be amazed at what you can create just five minutes at a time. Start a fictional story (even a piece of fan fiction if you fancy, though it doesn’t float my boat personally) and add to it in five minute chunks. Make it funny, make it provoking, make it erotic (ooh-err), whatever will bring you happiness!
29. Chant
I've recently (as in, for the purposes of this post) been introduced to the work of Deva Premal. Her music is rather beautiful, and her 'Mantra for Precarious Times' is worth giving a go, though I've been warned it can be quite intense.
30. Take five minutes to sort your bag out
I think we’re all guilty of this to a certain extent. I’ve been called Mary Poppins for the amount of things (crap) in my bag. And I get a strange sense of satisfaction when I’ve cleared my bag out and I’m all organised. Try it out and see if it works for you! And on that note, that’s my cue to leave and go do just this!
I hope you’ve found new inspiration for things you can do to relax in under five minutes! I really set out to show that you don’t need a weekend or a whole day to relax. It really is about the little things, and embracing the time youdo have and using it to make you feel amazing!
Self care is not bullshit
Let’s make this short and sweet. Most of us want to live. Most of us want to achieve our dreams. We all have a limited amount of energy and time. If we hit the ground running and never stop to think of ourselves, we will fall to the ground. Therefore looking after yourself is not […]
Let's make this short and sweet.
Most of us want to live.
Most of us want to achieve our dreams.
We all have a limited amount of energy and time.
If we hit the ground running and never stop to think of ourselves, we will fall to the ground.
Therefore looking after yourself is not bullshit.
It's a necessary requirement of every day life to keep us going and to ensure we enjoy our lives to the fullest.
Have a nice day :)
What cutting my hair taught me about motivation
I had a dream. No, not the Martin Luther King type. The type where something happens in your dream and you wake up thinking, hey, I’m gonna try that right now. Hold your horses, it’s not that exciting (and it’s definitely not raunchy), but it’s worth a blog post at least. I don’t know where […]
I had a dream. No, not the Martin Luther King type.
The type where something happens in your dream and you wake up thinking, hey, I’m gonna try that right now.
Hold your horses, it’s not that exciting (and it’s definitely not raunchy), but it’s worth a blog post at least.
I don’t know where I was in my dream, I don’t have any idea who was in it (not Ryan Gosling, I can tell you that much), but I do remember taking matters into my own hands and cutting my own hair.
For all of you hair experts, I know this isn’t a huge. But for someone who’s pretty picky about who cuts their hair, and can’t even draw a line with a ruler, it was a bit of a big deal.
Acting on my dream
So, I wake up, reinvigorated, ready for a hair cut. I am motivated. Nope, I’m not going to go to my usual salon - as lovely as it is - I’ve got a stubborn determination to do it myself.
(An aside: I dyed my hair blue four weeks prior and really embraced ‘I don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks’ ,so I wasn’t that worried about screwing up my hair. My main concern was giving myself a bowl cut and looking like this guy).
I quickly googled and youtubed how to cut your hair, put in a fringe and add layers and take what my partner lovingly tells me are hairdressing scissors (I’m still dubious), and then I went for it.
Remember I talked about hacking my garden bush before? This time wasn’t much better. But I roughly got the hang of it, and just figured I’d keep going.
Fast forward and I’ve finished my new hairstyle.
The outcome
And it looks pretty good! Okay, maybe you can tell that the scissors were a little blunt but apart from that, I have layers, I don’t have a bowl cut and my hair has a bit more shape to it.
The lesson here?
Sometimes it’s about just going for it. Admitting you’re not an expert and trying it anyway.
What’s the worse that can happen, really?
[Tweet "We can spend our lives sitting on the sidelines, waiting for perfection, or we can just go for it and accept any mishaps."]
I know which I’d prefer.
What about you? I’d love to hear about any experiences you’ve had, or haircuts gone wrong!
7 things to do on a shitty day
We all have bad days. For some of us they’re one offs. For others, they show up pretty regularly. It’s not about banishing the bad days, because like good old Dolly tells us, ‘if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain’. But it’s about being able to deal with crappy days […]
We all have bad days. For some of us they’re one offs. For others, they show up pretty regularly. It’s not about banishing the bad days, because like good old Dolly tells us, ‘if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain’.
But it’s about being able to deal with crappy days when they show up, and knowing how to respond to them.
Here are a some things you can do on down days, to help deal with what life throws at you.
1. Clear your schedule
This is more possible for some than others. The general rule of thumb here is this: what’s the worst possible thing that will happen if you cancel x, y and z, and will it matter to you next week?
If you simply can’t clear your schedule for whatever reason, do what you absolutely have to, and plan for something nice afterwards.
2. Make a playlist
I love music as therapy, and I don’t think there’s many things that can embrace how you feel as much as music. Try creating a Shitty Day Playlist. Fill it with angsty rock, opera, boy bands, whatever gives you your fix.
3. Find a quote and use it as a mantra
This is something me and a close friend do when we’re having a shitty day. We’ll send a quote we like from Pinterest to the other and repeat it as an affirmation. My favourite so far has been this beaut:
I'm an intelligent classy well educated woman who says fuck alot.
4. Do something mindless
Waste time on the internet, watch some trashy TV, play a game. Not every activity we do has to be meaningful or enriching.
5. Phone a friend
Sometimes this is the absolute last thing we want to do. Things are shit, we want to cut out the rest of the world and hide away under our duvet for the foreseeable future. But you’ll be surprised how you’d feel after talking to a good friend.
6. Get under that duvet
And own it like a motherhugger.
It might sounds woo woo, but when all else fails, put faith in the universe that things will get better. After all, what is life without hope?
7. Cry
Yep, you heard me. Let it all out. Everything feels better after a good cry. It doesn't have to be over anything particularly meaningful. Pen run out of ink? Let it out!
What do you do on a shitty day? I’d love to hear about it in the comments!