Stop Playing It Safe

I could bet you my future wedding with Macklemore/Ryan Gosling that you don't want to be Regular Joe From The Status Quo. Why? Because you're here, you're reading this blog for a start.

I know you want to make a difference. You want to live a wholehearted life. You don't want to be the same as anyone else.

You have dreams bigger than a supersize Big Mac. And that's not ok. That's fucking amazing. The world needs more people like YOU.

But sometimes, like me, you fall into the trap of playing safe.

And let's face it, sometimes it feels good to play safe. It's like being in your granny pants and PJs, wrapped up in bed with your favourite blanket, watching Netflix. You're in your comfort zone, it's familiar, it feels good.  And your inner critic isn't yelling its head off.

But when you play it safe, you're not honing your own skills, your talents, your unique genius that makes you YOU.

It's like making a bacon sandwich and forgetting to put the bacon in.

I'm not just talking about taking big risks like quitting your job tomorrow to move to Nashville and starting your life over as a songwriter (however, you could do just that and it would be awesome).

I'm sick of people talking about taking risks, and them all having a huge financial implications. 

Because there are so many ways you can change you life up, today, that are going to make huge differences to your life, improve your everyday and give you a much more wholehearted life which don't involve blowing your savings, moving halfway across the world or following someone else in blind faith.

What I'm talking about is the steps, you can take today, to enrich your life, put yourself out there in a way which is more bold, more courageous, more YOU. I'm talking about doing the things that set you apart, that make you feel alive and give you a sense of purpose in your life.

And those things could involve:

• starting a novel you've been telling yourself you'll write for the past decade

• sprucing up your wardrobe with bold colours - or even wearing the bold colours you own but you've not been sure of

• making time for your art

• starting a blog

• planning that trip

• learning a new way of using our skills

• volunteering

• starting an Etsy shop

• planning regular dance parties with your friends via Skype

or whatever keeps you up at night wondering and curious.

That's not to say the big risks aren't worth taking. Sometimes they're the only possible outcome when you're stuck in a rut. If I hadn't quit my job, packed up my life, moved in with my to-be-in-laws and started planing and saving for my around the world trip with Mr. Meg, I'd still be sobbing at the bottom of the stairs, scared shitless that my dreams were dying and working in an environment that made feel approximately 1.2 millimetres tall.

But I think as a whole, the world heralds those huge risks and overlooks the everyday things that feel terrifying that can also massively improve your life.

So what's one thing you can do today to stop playing safe? What's one thing that's going to make you feel proud of yourself when you fall asleep tonight?

You can deal with dreamshitters. What you can't deal with is a life un-lived.

The importance of sharing your story

The world is full of people who are sick of hearing the same stories

Full of amazing women like you and me who go to bed feeling completely alone in our struggles because no one is talking about them in a way that feels HUMAN. In a way that feels like us.

I want to live in a world full of stories that show the truth. That show my truth, your truth and Jane down the road's truth. I don't want to live in a world where our views on life, and our tiny moments of insights are saved for a perfect picture on Instagram.

Because, you know what? Not all stories are beautiful, have a happy ending and end up with a picture on Instagram. So many of us are hiding our stories, ashamed, because they stick out, because they're ugly, because they don't fit into the status quo, because we don't see them anywhere we look, and we believe we're completely alone in our struggles.

The patchwork lives of the many are so much more interesting

They're full of rough edges, not quite finished parts, bits that went seriously wrong but we managed to botch together, and things that went well that perhaps we don't talk about enough. They're full of lose strings and lose ends that don't get tied up neatly like the end of a TV series, full of bits that are coming apart at the seams, and full of ridiculously deep colours and memories that somehow, even though completely jumbled up, unexplainably makes sense to us.

Like the time I mispronounced something during a business presentation and ended up shouting vagina. Really loud.

Or the time, aged 14, when I got a toffee got caught up in my brace at the cinema with my best friend, and had to go to the hospital with half my brace hanging out my mouth.

Or the time I found out ten years later, that the my very handsome childhood friend had liked me all along.

Or the time I had such a heavy period during a lecture where were were watching Slumdog Millionaire, that I had to stay behind until everyone had left to sneak out because I'd bled through my jeans. And the chair.

Or the time a cruel boy asked me in front of my English class 'Meg, how does it feel to know you'll never be attractive?" In response I laughed, to take away everyone else's sheer discomfort.

Or the time, the doctor put me on the pill and I put on five stone within a year and stretch marks more complicated than the road system in India.

Your life might not make sense

Mine doesn't. But it's made up of thousands of stories. Thousands of stories that are yours alone. Hundreds of thousands of moments that will never end up on your Facebook feed. Memories that are yours alone.

On a good day, I'd tell you that I wouldn't take one story back for one second. On a not so good day, I'd tell you that there are several things in my life, specifically things that have have happened to other people, that I would take back within a heartbeat.

But these stories?  The ones you laugh about, the ones you hold your head in shame about, the ones that make you feel brave?They set you apart from everyone else. They form your passions, your curiosities, you knowledge, your sense of humour and your sense of self worth. They define you.

Nothing is ever going to be perfect. That's the imperfectly perfect joy of life. Spending your time trying to make it all make sense, trying to be something you're not, or trying to write the next chapter of your story that is 'prettier', is futile.

Stand tall. Own your story. Don't deny the bits you don't like. You can't watch One Tree Hill and deny Uncle Keith's death because you thought it was wrong and devastatingly sad. The entire series wouldn't make sense without it.

The world needs your story

The world is desperate for your story. We all need your story. We need to know the things that make you feel like you're on fire and the monsters that hide under your bed.

Through other peoples stories we start to make sense of ourselves.  And there is always more space for more stories. Because no stories are ever the same and no story is boring.

I can't sum it up more perfectly than Brené Brown: "Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it."

There's a whole book of stories out there, and it's time for you to become the storyteller.

Gratitude: the good, the bad and the ugly

I like gratitude. We live in a fast-paced culture where we're always teetering between future tripping or stressing out about what needs to happen right now. It's fair to say we're not very good at being present. We can miss out on so many things, and gratitude can be a really good way of staying in the present. But I think it does have its limitations. No matter what's going on in your life, you're supposed to be grateful. Even if something unexpected has happened that has pushed your life in a completely unexpected direction.

In fact, especially if that happens.

There are some great ways to really practice gratitude in a way that gives more meaning to your life (read to the end of this post to get some practical ideas), but before I start waxing lyrical, let's get something out of the way.

While it can be essential for living a wholehearted life, there's also a danger in forcing positivity onto ourselves and feeling like we have to be grateful, regardless of circumstances and situations that leave us feeling low. Sometimes we end up using gratitude as the stick to beat ourselves with.

It's okay not to be positive all the time

Life can be shit. You know that, I know that, the Pope knows that. But regardless of that, gratitude seems to have become this blanket thing to practice and apply to all situations.

I disagree.

If I'm having a shit day, or dealing with hard stuff, or something happens to my family and friends, telling me to be grateful that:

A. It could have been worse

B. I'm still alive

C. I'm more fortunate than others

isn't going to help. It's going to make me feel worse, and very likely, very pissed off.

Firstly, everything can always be worse. That's not helpful, that's just irritating.

Secondly, sometimes being alive and surviving everything is the hard part.

And thirdly, comparing yourself to others 'less fortunate' is a great way of patronising a whole load of people and also an effective way of reaffirming the power dynamics that keep this society as unequal as it is. And I'm not into that.

So give yourself a break. It's okay to not be grateful for things that make you or the people around you feel shit. That's human. Acknowledging how you feel and appreciating that you're allowed to feel whatever you're feeling, however, is always going to make the situation better, as hard as it can be to do that. Self validation can often be a much better tool than gratitude.

You don't always have to see the lesson

This is a HUGE one. While I believe that sometimes the shit in life does share an important lesson, sometimes believing that everything happens for a reason just doesn't help. It can leave you bewildered, lost, furious and heart-broken.

Going back to a point I made earlier - you don't have to be grateful and positive about everything. You don't always have to find a lesson in everything. While I really do value reflection and trying to pull the flower buds out of the compost, deal with one thing at a time.

Besides, sometimes you're not going to see the lesson until years later. And often, it only turns up exactly when you need to learn the lesson.

You don't have to be thankful to anyone in particular

I'm not religious. When I'm thankful things, I just am. I guess if I were to have to put a name to it, I would say I'm grateful to the universe.  But I think we often get so stuck into thinking who we should be grateful for, and working out all the logics of it; why did this happen, when that didn't happen? Who's pulling the strings here?

We can also get seriously stuck in trying to wish things were different, or trying to change our fate. In my view, gratitude is for gratitude's sake. Not this kind of piecemeal, I've said thanks, now when am I going to win the lottery kind of deal.

Gratitude is about acknowledging what's good in your life and taking time to reflect on the things that can be swept under the rug when life gets busy (when was the last time you really thanked your best friend, just for being her?). It's not about asking for more, demanding things be different and getting pissed off that things haven't happened for you yet.

When combined with intention and action, that's goal setting. Not gratitude.

But that's not to chuck gratitude out of the proverbial pram. There's plenty a time when gratitude it going to make you feel amazing, appreciate the moment and add to a more wholehearted life.

And for those times, here are some great ways to welcome gratitude into your life

Gratitude practices you can try

•  3 good things - a couple of years ago, I did a positive psychology course, and this really stuck with me. Every day, try to think of 3 good things that happened in the last 24 hours. And where you can, share them. This can be a really nice thing to do with a friend or a partner, a really positive way of starting a team meeting, or something to make you feel warm as you fall asleep at night.

•  Keeping a Gratitude journal - this can be an extension of the above exercise, where you record your good things in a small notebook, which you can look at when you're feeling low. You could also try doing this once a week on a Sunday night to kickstart your work. There are approximately a gazillion ways you could keep a gratitude journal. Ultimately, it's what works for you, how you think, and how you live your life.

•  Tell people on a regular basis you appreciate them. This could be writing random postcards to family/friends, sending short texts/e-mails or through big bear hugs (my favourite). And that includes being grateful for YOU. Ever written yourself a letter of gratitude? No? Now's the time to try!

•  From Mind, Body, Green - Reach out to an author whose book has changed your life and share your gratitude in an email or letter. I did this when I was 17 and was astounded by the response. I need to remember to do this again soon

• This post has a great list of ways of practicing gratitude that you can start today. I love that it includes giving compliments and taking walks

Life always feels better when you're taking notice of the good things, storing them in your internal memory and appreciating them. Just don't beat yourself with the gratitude stick when life gets hard!

I'd love to hear any gratitude practices you have - let me know in the comments!

What no one tells you about courage

I'm sat on the sofa, diagonally across from my best friend. We've been talking about recording a podcast episode (all about self care) long enough and today's the day that on a whim we're decided we're going to do it. We've written a list of what we want to talk about, the laptop is set up ready to go, and all that sits between us is the record button, Magic Mike (as my microphone has come to be nicknamed - it is pretty phallic) and one hell of a lot of fear.

I am scared shitless.

My stomach is doing that weird washing machine thing, my chest is just being a bit odd and I want to giggle and cry all at the same time.

All we need to do is start a conversation. And believe me, that's something we're pretty bloody good at.

But with a microphone? Nothing. I'm like a child on their first day of school.

It feels the same way as a trying to go to toilet when you're desperate but your mother in law/boss is in the next cubicle. Awkward, embarrassing and ultimately frustrating.

But I try. My best friend presses the record button. I  grimace, but she starts to talk at ease. She's a natural.

And then she starts to introduce me. Silence. Nothing. Nada. Not even a giggle.

I'm too caught up in my own head - what I sound like, how I don't know if I'll say something stupid, who will hear it - that I'm rendered speechless.

I'm hugely amazed by the proverbial balls my best friend has, for going for it and starting. Because starting is always the hardest.

So we try again

This time I push myself harder, reminding myself that we can easily delete it, that I'm with someone trust implicitly and the only difference between this conversation and the rest of our conversation is an inanimate object.

I close my eyes, and squeeze my thoughts from my brain to my mouth.

And this time, words form and they come out. I'm maintaining good eye contact with my best friend as she gives me reassuring looks and the conversation flows. Because not knowing what to say has never been our problem.

And before long, I'm seriously enjoying myself. I enjoy asking questions, I enjoy hearing her views and above all, I'm ridiculously happy to be a woman, sitting with another woman, sharing our stories and putting them out there in the world. It seems pretty radical. And pretty brave.

Because it is radical. And it is brave. Putting your story and your voice out there is always that way.

But there are so many reasons not to. There are so many reasons to get trapped by fear. That's always going to be the same with any dream you have.

But some point you have the force that voice out of your head and jump.

And stop analysing what's lying in your way. You have to stop looking at the wall you've built between yourself and your dreams and stop giving a label to each brick.

Some of my bricks were about how I've lost confidence and my confidence in my voice. Other bricks were simple labeled 'I am not enough.'

But focusing on the wall isn't going to get you over the wall. And it is 100% A-OK I'd you're not the first one over the wall, or if you have to watch someone else get over it first.

Asking for help, being reassured, and doing it with someone is what life is about. And once you stop thinking you have to do it all on you're own, you'll learn that there's a whole number of people out there who genuinely want to help.

And when you take that leap, you feel scared shitless to start off with, but invincible when you've done it. And there's nothing quite like taking that risk with someone you love.

Take it from me. Courage? It's contagious.

(And addictive!)

!

5 things to remember when all hope is lost

1. You can't compare your pain.

Yes the world is hurting right now, but that doesn't invalidate anything going on with your life. Try not to minimalize anything that's happening with you and get stuck in comparing your pain to what you're reading and seeing on TV. You are important.

2. A world without kindness is a dark place indeed.

It's really easy to lose hope. Sometimes it's a hell of a lot easier to believe that the world is an awful place than it is to trust there are good people out there and at times be proved wrong. Focus on the people around you - your family and friends, your neighbours and your community. There is more human kindness found in one small community than sometimes a heart has the capacity for. 

3. It is okay to not watch the news.

It doesn't make you ignorant. I think this tweet by Rae Earl some it all up:

If you find events trigger your mental health issues turn rolling news off. It doesn't mean you don't care. You're being responsible to you.

— Rae Earl (@RaeEarl) November 13, 2015

The news is designed to scare us. Our grandparents coped just fine without second by second news updates. Not keeping up with them doesn't make you a cruel person. It means you're protecting your own sanity. 

4.  Keep the media at a distance.

Unfortunately horrific things happen all the time, in the name of religion, money and power, but we don't hear about a lot of them. It's all politics. Instead of reading every news item you can find, hug someone you love. Ring someone who matters to you. Do something to celebrate the fact you're alive. 

5. Whatever you're feeling is whatever you're feeling.

There is no right and wrong. Try not to put emotions on a pedestal and beat yourself up for not feeling a certain way. Meet yourself where you are and give yourself the comfort you need.

And to borrow the words of my favourite poet, Shane Koyczan:

Go down to the store

Buy some light bulbs,

And when you run out, buy some more.

Because the light at the end of your tunnel needs to be maintained.

Dream Chasing: 30 things before 30

It's a couple of days after my 25th birthday and I've been thinking a lot lately about life. About how slow time goes now I'm not having the same mundane day over and over again working at a job I hated. About how I have so many goals but because I only keep them in my head, they end up feeling all over the place instead of exciting. And ultimately about how I need to take more risks and look fear in the face. So my 30 things to do before I'm 30 list started.

Why 30?

Because it sounded much more realistic than 101. And why before 30? Because I don't know where life is taking me, and that is EXCITING! For once, I don't have a 3 year plan and I'm not obsessing about the HOW but instead I'm focusing on the WHY.

If you'd asked the 21 year old me what my life goals were by 30, I'd probably have said to start my own charity, have children and and to have saved the world.My life looks a lot different now I've learned to manage my expectations and learn who I am and I couldn't be happier.

Because here's the truth of it.

I don't know what's going to happen. I certainly couldn't have predicted at 15 what I'd be doing at 25. I couldn't have predicted it at 20. Because so many weird and wonderful things have happened and so many opportunities have opened up as I've changed my perspective from a type a stress head to a recovering type a stress head!

So here goes with my list (in no particular order). It definitely feels pretty vulnerable putting it online! I'll be updating it as I go along and adding more things as I discover things I want to do that keep me up at night and keep my zest for life alive.

30 Things to Do Before I'm 30

(last updated August 2018, age 27, 2 and a bit years to go!)

1. Backpack across US DONE, India and South East Asia

2. Get tattoos

3. Ride/meet an elephant

4. Write a fictional novel

5. Finish my amazing patchwork throw made of fabrics I've collected on my travels

6. Create a big piece of art on canvas

7. Perform a live country gig

8. Become a spoken word poet and perform

9. Become location independent as a self employed person DONE!

10. Start and sustain a successful podcast DONE!

11. Speak in front of a live audience of 1,000 people

12. Publish a book (including self published)

13. Produce artwork & jewellery to sell

14. Edit and produce a magazine

15. Perform a stand up gig

16. Sustain and take That Hummingbird Life to the next level DONE!

17. Develop a better relationship with my body

18. Go to Nashville & dance my feet off DONE!

19. Actually pass my driving test

20. Write collection of short stories

21. Have a civil partnership with Mr. Meg and have the a festival wedding

22. Have my own line of stationery

23. Go to a silent disco, paint rave and colour festival

24. See Macklemore & Ryan Lewis live! DONE! TWICE - London & Vegas

25. Go on a creative retreat

26. Explore European cities including Amsterdam, Berlin, Prague, eastern europe

27. Write a postcard to myself every week for the next 5 years

28. Write, direct and perform my own one person musical (even if only to family and friends.)

29. Go to CMA fest & C2C DONE! Went to C2C, not so bothered about CMA fest now!

30. Learn to cook GOOD Tapas, Thai, Indian and American southern food.

So here goes! 5 years of very exciting things! I'd LOVE to know if you have a bucket list or how you've recorded your goals! Let me know in the comments!

Guest Post: An Open Letter to Anyone Who’s Ever Had Their Ass Kicked

This is for anyone who knows what it feels like to get your ass kicked and still insists on coming out on the other side more alive, present, whole, and human than you ever dreamed possible. You’re not alone. I get it. To say what you’ve been through “sucks” is a gross understatement and if you’re still pissed about the whole thing, that’s freaking fine. Healing takes time. So does forgiveness. So does growth. Don’t rush yourself. My name’s Heather, I’m a pro blogger, and I write exclusively about dream chasing over on Hiya Tootsie! Writing and cheering on other chicks to jump head first into their passions is my jam. I made up my mind to lead the charge when I decided to leave the personal shit show that was my previous career.

This decision was a true sorry-not-sorry awakening of heart.

To be fair, when I have my good moments of remembrance, the terrible parts were peppered with hallelujahs. But if you’ve stared into the gaping throat of hell in any capacity, you’ll know what I mean when I say it doesn’t always feel worth it. As a former missionary, I don’t think I’m allowed to say that, but I’m also not about to dishonor my story by sugarcoating the truth.

I used to work as an advocate and activist in the porn industry. When women and men were ready to get the hell out, I was part of helping them make the transition. I also worked extensively to educate the often painfully clueless public about the horrific nature of what their porn consumption contributed to.

In my career, I’ve been to 15+ porn conventions, met, befriended, and aided porn star after porn star after porn star, educated hundreds of fans, countless addicts, and more misogynists than I care to shake a stick at, went before lawmakers and health officials, encountered severe sexual trauma, suicide attempts, ER visits, mental hospitals, drug and alcohol addiction, and incessant cover ups.

I was bombarded with personal stories and high def footage of [gratuitous and horrific violence (edited for That Hummingbird Life readers)]. The constant flash of cameras capturing chaos, everyday men with giant smiles labeling it all “exciting,” couples who somehow thought violence and degradation would spice up their sex life, lifeless eyes, voices stuck around the age of 7 because that’s what sells, disease, addiction, and mental illness. I could go on. This is just the little bit I’m comfortable sharing at this point.

It fucking got to me.

And you know what? I’m not sorry for telling the truth, for choosing to use colorful language, or for still being in process. I took an entire year off to attempt to recover. I’m nearly three years out and I still deal with ramifications from the work, only now, to a much lesser degree. I had no idea how to take care of myself and though people prayed and applauded the work, I sure as shit didn’t have folks knocking down my door to ask me how I really was. Looking back, that’s what I needed. But then again, I felt like there was too much I couldn’t talk about and I didn’t actually know how I was until I got out. I had never heard words like vicarious trauma, burnout, compassion fatigue, and adrenal fatigue until long after the fact.

During my full-time healing year, I decided that the only thing I wanted to do was figure out who the hell Heather was again, revive her spirit, and give her room to swing her truth around in wild, raucous joy.

I started practicing self-care – therapy once a week, regular naturopath doctor visits, daily supplements, as much sleep as I needed, prayer, yoga stretching, bubble baths, massage, writing down my feelings, actuallyletting myself feel, practicing strict boundaries, letting go of toxic relationships, diving head first into Brené Brown’s work, and dreaming about what could be next.

All I wanted was a chance to take the girl who just wanted to help people, ended up getting the shit kicked out of her, and encourage her to march to a new beat. Only this time around, I wanted the beat to sound like “human” instead of “warrior.”

I have my degree in words. They call it Professional Writing, but really, it’s just a degree in sheer Word Nerdery. I’ve long believed that the power of life and death is in the tongue, and despite the trauma, this was the major reason my previous career was worth it to me. I learned how to connect with human hearts, story, and speak life into people. That’s all I ever wanted to do and it’s still my constant prayer. The difference now is that I am doing it in a way that honors and includes me.

Hiya Tootsie! is not just a blog. Hiya Tootsie! is a mother effing line in the sand. It represents making it out alive, figuring out how to do human well, not just hanging onto my faith but strengthening it, and carving a path to follow my dreams.

Baby, if I can do it, so can you.

I know a lot of you have been through serious shit. But the shit show does not define you. I didn’t let it define me and you don’t have to either. You have more worth and purpose prancing around inside of you than you’ll ever know what to do with. Who cares if you need to get some healing under your belt? Who the hell doesn’t? You’ve lived. This journey we’re on is about catapulting from survive to thrive and it’s about time we freaking rock it.

The new path will not always be rosy. I can personally attest that there are old landmines here and there along the way. You will get triggered and you will get through it with dignity, grace, and a deeper understanding of your holy, beautiful self. The only difference between your then and your now is that just like me, you’ll get better and better at spotting those landmines long before they have any shot in hell of blowing up your progress.

 Go do what is in you to do.

Your story is what makes you who you are – the great, ugly, heartbreaking, and hilariously triumphant.

We are a sisterhood of badass broads who know that the word badass means “vulnerable” and the word vulnerable means “brave.” So be your vulnerable, brave, badass self. I got my ass kicked and I’m doing it. Show up, prove to me that I’m not alone, and tell me who you are. We’ve got lives to live and dreams to chase.

Let’s rock this shit, kittens.

Heather bio

You can find Heather here: Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

A couragemaker’s guide to navigating the self help world

I’ve ranted a lot lately. About online gurus, about get rich quick schemes, and other bullshit that creates an alluring trap for couragemakers like you and me but ends up with us feeling worse in the long run. Now, believe it or not, the self-help (or as dream chasing as I prefer to call it) and autobiographies sections in my local library are by far my favourite sections. For me, there's something so powerful in someone telling their story, and sharing their dreams, and being vulnerable as hell about where they’ve come from and where they’re going.

That inspires me above all else.

But it’s taken me a while to navigate that whole world and make it work for me.

When you're in a place of quiet desperation, you'll try near enough anything. But when you're in that place of quiet desperation, you're also incredibly vulnerable.

And let’s face it - we all need help sometimes. Whether you're wondering what to do out of college, trying to figure out how to chase your dreams, want to improve a relationship or want to up your confidence, sometimes we need a gentle reminder, or strategies to deal with something we’re going through.

And there’s a whole lot of help out there. Everyone wants to help. Everyone has an opinion. And let’s face it - there are a lot of people want to charge you thousands for things you already know. Some want you to buy into (quite literally), their way of doing things.

It’s a messy world.

As it stands right now, on Amazon UK, there are 405,108 books in the Mind, Body, Spirit section. In the kindle store, there are  253,342 e-books in the Self Help/Counselling section. That’s just books. That doesn’t include the thousands of self-help podcasts, the hundreds of thousands of life coaches online, or the thousands of YouTube clips on self-help.

Wow.

That’s a whole load of people with a whole load of different opinions on how they can improve your life. They have conflicting viewpoints, conflicting methods, and conflicting promises. But they all have something in common. They want to help you.

But where on earth do you turn to? Who can you trust?

That’s where these questions come into it. Answer them, and you’ll find a much better tactic of finding help that’s suited to you than just picking up the latest bestseller.

When you’re finished, you’re going to have a better idea of what you want, how you want it and what works for you. (Me? Ryan Gosling, on the kitchen table. Thanks.)

So, let’s get started!

What do you actually need?

What are you dealing with? And what do you actually need?

When you're looking for help (this also applies to when moaning to a friend about something), you generally want one of the following:

• Permission - and confidence to do something.

• Reassurance - that things will work out, that we’re a good person, that everything will work out okay in the end

• Confirmation - that you’re doing the right thing and you’re making the right decision

• Understanding and knowledge - you want to get down to the root cause of it. Knowledge is power!

• Actionable steps - easily laid out things you can do to get your where you want.

Figuring out what you need makes it a lot easier to find what you’re looking for. It’s also an excellent way of cutting out a lot of the shit!

What qualifies them to help YOU?

I used to trust easily and I used to be pretty naive.

Now things are different. I know that not everyone who says they want to help genuinely wants to help. Some are more motivated by money, and some bring absolutely no experience and aren’t qualified on any level to help.

The way I see it, if I’m going to take my vulnerabilities anywhere, I want to know that they know their shit, that I can trust the information I’ll receive. I want to be respected and I want to feel safe.

That’s why I recommend creating a quick mental criteria that someone has to meet (whether they’re an author, podcaster, or a coach you’re hiring) that they have to meet. My criteria might look differently to yours, but it looks a little something like this:

1. They have to have experience with what they’re dealing with. They have to be brave in sharing their story and respect that others are being courageous in just seeing help.

2. They have to be passionate about their subject area, and not just see it as a quick money-making scheme

3.They have to be realistic about what they’re promising.

4. Credentials and initials don’t mean shit unless they have the experience to back it up. Now, when I’m in the library, I flick straight to the about the author section before checking out a book. I want to know who the are to help me, and whether we’re a good match. Make your criteria, and stick to it!

What are they promising?

I’ve said this before, as have many people, and I’ll say it again. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

If you’re struggling with your weight, if someone is promising you a bikini body in 6 weeks, it’s probably bullshit.

If you’re struggling with relationships and someone is promising you the perfect partner in 12 simple steps, it’s definitely bullshit. It’s a bit of a balancing act: having realistic expectations for yourself, and finding someone who can help on those expectations.

What works for you?

We all find motivations in different ways, and we all take things on board via different means. For me, I love podcasts and things that are very action oriented. The more practical the better for me. But we’re all different.

Do you like workbooks? Do you like practical exercises that gently take you outside your comfort zone and put what you’re learning into practice? Do you like working with someone 1:1?

Does the idea of sitting with someone and chatting it through sound like hell to you? Do you prefer reading a book or listening to an audiobook/podcast in the comfort of your own home with some privacy? Do you get motivated through watching?

It’s all about YOU. There is no right and wrong.

And I think where people go wrong when wanting to make a change in their lives, is buying into something that was never going to work for them in the first place.

Spend some time working out what works for you, and then when it comes to sorting shit out and making your life work for you, you’re more likely to find something that is actually effective. And a last couple of things on the topic:

Please, judge a book by its title

Perhaps you’re struggling because you’re single and you think your self-confidence is holding you back. Let me tell you, a book called something like ‘Little Black Dress: Why you’re still single and sitting on the shelf’ isn’t going to help you.

You don’t need to be shamed into changing. You don’t want to be told what you’re apparently doing wrong.

Chances are, you’re not doing anything wrong, and reading a book that makes you feel more shit about yourself is only going to feed your anxiety and problem. Nor is a book titled ‘Fat Pig: adventures in greed, rejection and flab’ going to help you with body issues.

And if you’ve picked up a book called '10  Short Steps To Success, Riches and Happiness', I think you know what I’m going to say.

Protect yourself

When you’re looking for help, chances are you’re in a vulnerable place. Look after yourself. Only give your heart to people you trust not to crush it.

Give yourself time, space, and celebrate the shit out of your small wins.

And finally, and perhaps most importantly...

Sometimes you don’t need anyone else. You have more wisdom than you know inside yourself. Ask yourself  the question you want answered, listen hard for the answer, and trust yourself.

You matter, you’re the expert on your life, after all.

I’d love to hear what you think - let me know in the comments!

Creative ruts & re-filling your cup

I've been thinking a lot about inspiration and creativity lately. Amber's guest post on creativity and consumption has really had me questioning my own creative process, and how getting sidetracked on social media has a huge impact on my work and what I produce. And Helen's guest post on women, creativity and creative afternoons has really had me thinking on the space I create in my own life to be creative.

Couple that with the work of the late Scott Dinsmore, on how surrounding yourself with people who inspire you is essential to creating work that matters, and Elizabeth Gilbert's new book Big Magic (on creativity, fear and magic), I think it's fair to say, creativity and inspiration has definitely been on my mind.

And it's on my mind because I've felt a bit stuck in a creative rut. I've been getting lost in the black hole that is the comparison trap, and I've been spending too much time looking at what other people are doing, and not enough time focusing on myself.

So, the last two weeks have seen me going back to things I know work for me. And I want to share them with you today!

1. Find an environment that works for you

Since I've started working from home, it's taken me a while to get into a routine. If I get up late, the quality of my work is sacrificed. If I start the day on Facebook, I waste half the day. Home is full of distractions, and it's taken me the past couple of weeks to really remember that my best way to start a project is in a coffee shop, and as much as I love music, I can concentrate the best with earphones in but no music on. But working from a coffee shop all the time = expensive. Working from a coffee shop all the time while saving up for a round the world trip = a bit silly. Libraries however? Here I come. It may take time but it's worth it to find the environment that best feeds your creativity. Everyone has somewhere different, there is no right and wrong, it just takes a bit of practice!

2. Take the time to realise that there is enough room for all of us

This is something I've been really struggling with. And I know I'm not alone in this. We start looking at what other people are doing, how they're doing it and trying to measure their success compared to our own. We know we're doing it, but perhaps we don't realise the effects of it for a while. The effects for me are being creatively blocked, feeling like there's no point in anything because everyone has already done it all, and feeling completely uninspired. So here's a reminder, to myself as well as you. There is room for all of us. We all have unique stories, and a rare combination of skills, strengths and values. We could all write a book about changing the world tomorrow, and every single one of those books would be different. Different stories, different approaches, different take aways. No matter what you're working on right now, the world needs to hear it, and we need to hear it from you!

3. Read books that have been on your shelf/reading list for years

It's SO easy to get seduced by shiny object syndrome and spend your time searching out new books to read. But if you're anything like me, there are probably many sitting on your shelf that you couldn't wait to get, but still haven't read! Be inspired by what you already have, not just by what you want. For me, exchanging the time I've spent procrastinating to actually reading things I've wanted to read for years has made me so much happier. If I'm not feeling in the mood to work, instead of farting about on the internet looking at a whole lot of nothing, I grab something off my shelf, or binge read someone's blog that I've been meaning to do for months. If you're on the search for inspiration, you're gonna have more light bulbs going off doing this instead of beating yourself up over your lack of productivity.

4. Cut the shit out/ turn off notifications

So, I deleted Facebook from my phone, and it feels AMAZING! Our lives are full of so much shit that we don't even notice. Okay, not all of it is shit, but do you really need notifications from every Facebook group you're a part of, and to see what your friend of ten years ago is cooking for dinner? No. Now, instead of perusing the lives of people who I haven't seen in years, I've enjoy commuting to places, looking out the window, people watching, reading things that I want to read and surrounding myself with people that make me feel great. And it's had such a big effect. (Pocket is a great app for saving articles and posts you've been wanting to read but haven't got around to. It saves everything offline, so you can peruse at your own leisure, anywhere)

5.  Audiobooks/Podcasts

This is easily the biggest one for me. When I was stuck HATING my office job and feeling like this was all my life was ever going to amount to and being desperately unhappy, I discovered Emilie Wapnick, The Lively Show and Good Life Project. I surrounded myself with people who were actively going against the grain and creating a life they loved. By listening to a podcast every morning and listening to other people's stories, I found there was a new alternative to my life. I could live a life that existed outside the mainstream. Find and surround yourself with people you admire and find inspiring. And do it on purpose. This is the big thing. Before when I was getting myself through that period and learning that there could be another way, I was purposefully choosing who I spent my headphone time with. But somewhere along the way, I got out of the routine. Find people who set your heart on fire and make you feel alive, and purposefully surround yourself with them. It will honestly change your life

Since becoming more intentional about my creativity and finding inspiration, things have changed a lot. In the last two weeks, I have started work on a book I've been thinking of writing for a couple of years now, and I've also started work on another book. I've also written an entire e-mail course which I'm really proud of, which is going to be a game changer for many people.

If things feel stagnant right now, change it up. Approach your creativity and inspiration like a glass of water. You need it to live your fullest life and it needs to be topped up on a regular basis.

Thank you to Amber Thomas, Helen Jones, Scott Dinsmore and Elizabeth Gilbert who have filled my glass and helped me get back to work that matters.

You have so many gifts to give the world. Your way of looking at the world, the order you write your words and the way you put paint onto paper - it all comes from your unique perspective. No one can create that. Only you. 

What an amazing opportunity it is to be alive!

Guest Post: Encouraging and inspiring through creative afternoons

When Meg asked me if I could write a guest post about this, I was over the moon - the opportunity to be on her fantastic website and to share the experience I've had hosting craft afternoons, wow! But when I've tried to write it, it's been more difficult than I expected. It's so hard to capture the emotion and the level of supportiveness and the small changes in people that occur. So please forgive me if I overuse words such as excitement and support and inspiration.

I love listening to women talk about creating

There's an excitement and a passion which shines through. And so often, these conversations are with people who "aren't creative" but who thoroughly enjoy knitting or cross stitch or whatever it is. Somehow being creative is so intrinsically linked with fine art that many people just can't get away from that. For the record, creativity is a huge spectrum of different techniques and processes and outcomes.

A creative afternoon

As well as listening to women talk about creating, I love getting women together to create. I had the honour of doing just that in August. An email went to friends, acquaintances and friends of friends inviting them for croissants, tea and making stuff. They were invited to bring works in progress, their own equipment or just to turn up and have a play with my stash of materials.

At previous creative afternoons I've taught some basic bookbinding, women have taught other women to knit and everyone has got involved. There has been an amazing organic nature to these afternoons, synchronicity that I could never have planned.  This was no exception. Despite the normal "I'm not creative " protests, everyone went home having made something. It ranged from mixed media art work to cards to decorations and more. But the thing I hope everyone took away was inspiration and a feeling that they can be creative.

I think the key to these afternoons is very much the women themselves.  I could provide the most amazing craft materials, books with instructions and inspiration, detailed tutorials etc but without the women, it would fall flat.

Women are often considered to be nasty, bitchy and judging when they get together in groups. But not these groups. This was a group of mostly strangers who were sat round my table, creating away and providing positive encouragement to everyone else.  It's something I would love to see so much more of.

Genuine encouragement

I don't think I can begin to express how heart warming it is to see this in action - genuine support and encouragement between strangers, the amazement when people see that they have created something and the twinkling of the idea that maybe they are creative.  It's beautiful.

 So if you have a table, a bit of craft stuff and a kettle, get emailing! Invite everyone you know to a tea and creative (creativi-tea if you will) afternoon.  I know it's an invitation I would love to receive.

Since I wrote this, I've come across

Mind's Christmas Crafternoons:

Crafternoon means getting together with friends, family or colleagues and holding an afternoon of festive crafting to have fun and raise money for Mind.

Make someone's Christmas and help us make sure no one has to face a mental health problem alone.

Helen bio

You can find Helen here: Flickr | Blog

Guest Post: How Consumption Influences our Creativity by amber thomas

When I started writing for NaNoWriMo last November I dedicated myself to reading a half hour a day. It seemed annoying some days, why not spend that half hour writing instead? I noticed my progress wane on days I’d skipped my “warm-up reading” and felt a nudge that quality consumption was influential in my creativity. As a soul who loves answers to seemingly proverbial questions I created an experiment.

An experiment

Two days a week I began my writing time with a book. Two more days I’d write without any use of transitional materials. And the final two days a week (assuming I take a day off), I’d prime my mind with Facebook or Instagram or even a recorded TV show. I needed to see how my choices affected my creative output. You’re not going to be entirely surprised to find out my word counts and the quality of my writing suffered immensely on the free-for-all consumption days.

Your mind isn’t critically engaging with your Facebook friends, it’s merely surveying their current state of life. You aren’t thinking about the tone or theme or depth of characters on your Instagram feed, instead you’re making binary choices: double tap or scroll. Television can be educational, but it’s a passive brain activity not requiring you to opinionate about storylines or perspective. However, you do all these things while you read.

I proved to myself (and now to all of you) that the way I started my writing time was a valuable source of inspiration and creative energy for the work laid out ahead of me.

Nourish yourself

Draw your creative process back to lessons we’ve learned in nutrition: in order to expend energy (creative or otherwise), you must nourish yourself with rich sustenance. While marshmellow fluff is delicious (never before have a refused a serving of that cloud-like heaven), it doesn’t leave me feeling fuelled and hardy in the way scrambled eggs do. Are you taking in all kinds of light, airy treats without providing your creative process with the fuel it needs to keep momentum? Often the answer is no, but we avoid the real work of cleaning up our habits of consumption.

It’s simple, really, to avoid empty forms of inspiration. The hard part is identifying where the empty sources lie

Three ways to clean up your consumption

1.     Avoid being a voyeur

We’re all guilty of keeping our eye on the trainwreck as it’s happening.  But then the carnage and mess traumatize us. So, why not unfollow the mess before it gets started? You know those people you can see ruining their businesses with angry backlash at dissatisfied customers or those hate forums on the internet or the Facebook friends who could star on a soap opera they're fascinating. But your fascination turns into valuable time wasted keeping tabs on their mess instead of pouring into your latest project.

2.     Be honest about your viewership

This seems easy and natural. But as a fan of the Real Housewives of Orange County from the beginning, I’ve dedicated an hour a week to watching the women get together and raise hell in each other’s lives. Just recently my husband watched an episode with me and when it finished he turned to me and said, “So you watched women fight over fancy dinners for an hour?” I wanted to defend myself, but couldn’t. Because that’s what I was watching, grown women –who are my mom’s age- fight over nothing. And suddenly, my diehard fan-girling seemed pathetic, not loyal.

3.    Track your time.

I know you’re hearing this all over the web and beyond. Have you tried it? Honestly, I was terrified at the end of my work day. My day job is balanced delicately with my Etsy shop and blog and plethora of writing and marriage. I feel like I manage my priorities well and may have been known to brag about my ability to get the work done. But the serving of humble pie that I was served after tracking each minute of my time for three days was enough to make my brain explode.

Another experiment

Though I’d like to claim the title of quick learner, I am not. So when I opened my handmade art Etsy shop, I assumed my mind would always overflow with ideas for new pieces. Alas, it did not.

So I tried the experiment over again: two days started with reading, two with visual observation online, and two with no outside inspiration. And the results were the opposite of my writing habit.

On the days I scrolled through Instagram or Pinterest ideas flowed, colors complimented, and my time in the studio was fruitful beyond belief. In contrast, the days I started with reading were slow-moving, awkward, and frustrating.

Be mindful

Be mindful of how your eyes allow inspiration into your brain. Be aware of the way one creative endeavor is different than another; so different, in fact, they may be opposites. All these words and examples boil down to one thing: your consumption matters for your process.

Amber bio-2

You can find Amber here:  INSTAGRAM | Shop

The Online Gurus You Don't Want To Listen To

I want to tackle the controversy of online gurus. You know, the people online who have millions of followers and tell you that you can be happy, if you just choose to be happy - and then wealth will follow! And you just need to do this one little thing, and you'll basically be Bill Gates! Yep, them.

It seems like everyone has become an expert. Especially online. I wrote a post earlier this week about the bullshit that lies behind how apparently 'easy' it is to make 6 figures online.

(It also seems like my tolerance for bullshit has lowered)

So, if you keep finding yourself falling in the trap and in with the hype (I know I sometimes do), or you're unsure of who to listen to, here's a quick reminder of the online gurus you don't want to listen to.

1. The people who say there is only one way of doing things

There are many ways, and there are no definitive right or wrong ways. Instead, look for things that feel right for you and follow them. Don't feel ashamed that you're doing something differently. Different is good!

2. The people who actively judge others or think they’re stupid for doing other things

A Brené Brown quote comes to mind when I think of this: “You cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviors.” If someone thinks you're stupid for doing something, screw them. They don't deserve to be in your life

3. People who just chat shit about money

Another saying comes to mind here: if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. And the people that only chat about money? Generally speaking, they're not the people who are going to teach you to build a purpose driven life/business that helps others. They're just about making money. And making money isn't a bad things - heck, we all need it. But it can't all just be about making all the money, all the time.

4. People who claim that overnight success is a thing, or it’s easy working for yourself

This really pisses me off. What you don't see behind these people who claim to have 'overnight success' is the years of hard work, and the blood, sweat and tears that have gone into this (or, perhaps cynically, the blood, sweat and tears of the people they've outsourced to). I don't know what it is about the online world and not showing the efforts it takes to get from A to B. Either way, this fairytale 'and then it just happened and I became rich and happily ever after' is a myth. Don't buy into it. It'll just make you feel shit.

5. People who make you feel bad. Period

Again, going back to the Brené Brown quote, shame isn't going to make someone change their behaviour. It can bring on self-destructive behaviours, or make you give your life savings (if you have them) to someone who bullies you into buying their product, making a gazillion promises they can't keep. Instead, work on setting good boundaries and remember that you're an amazing person and no one has the right to tell you otherwise.

6. People who make you feel shit about what you’ve done so far and suggest their way, is THE ONLY way

Girl. Seriously. What you've done so far is epic and you don't need those fools. Be proud of what you've done, go celebrate.

7. People who don’t have problems

This is a HUGE one for me. Everyone has problems. Rich people, poor people, those in-between. We all have problems. I get so angry when I look at people at the top-level of their niche, and they're flouncing around having this perfect life and everything is so wonderful and nothing bad ever happens. I get that not everyone wants to declare their problems/issues to the world, but damn we've all got them. Admitting you struggle makes you human. Showing the not so exciting and not so colourful parts of life makes us remember that we're all in this hot mess of human-ness together. Don't trust the people who tell you they have it all figured out. They don't.

HOWEVER

That's not to say that there aren't loads of people online you could learn from, or who could add massive value to your life.

I love blogs and podcasts. I love learning from other people. I love learning and listening to people who are full of passion, flaunt their human-ness and want to see other people fly.

The people worth listening to are:

People who hold similar values to yourself

People who don't shy away from their back story

People who own their struggles and share them

You know more than you think you do. You don't need someone else to tell you how to succeed. You don't need a guru to make your life better. Chances are, what you need is to start believing in yourself, to surround yourself with people who make you feel alive, and to take the pressure off yourself a bit.

You, my friend, are doing great.

They're lying! On get rich/happy quick schemes and bullshit free dream chasing

The truth will set you free, right? It also has a tendency to make you pretty unpopular. But, we don't care about popularity around here. We care about dream chasing, living for a purpose, and standing up yourself even when it's doesn't make you a cool kid. Sometimes, especially when it doesn't make you a cool kid. So, I got pretty pissed off yesterday. I was checking in to Twitter like I normally do, and I'm getting pretty good at ignoring stupid hashtag trends, but this one I couldn't shake:

#solveyourproblemsin4words (or something to this extent)

Wondering what the most common answers were? Easy - 'Win the lottery now. 'A fat pay check' and so on.

I am so fucking tired of this myth

That some external miracle is going to come and solve every single issue you could ever have (spoiler alert: it won't), and that someone is going to come knocking at your door and give you all the answers.

That you can make 6 figures in 6 minutes, that you can work for an hour a day and become a millionaire, that you can basically sit on your ass, think of money, and some will fall out of the sky right onto your lap.

And I'm really sick of marketers massively exploiting dream chasers like you and me, who don't just want to make money, we want to put good shit into the world.

Because, let's face it. It's a hell of a lot harder putting yourself out there and making your own income when you give a shit about the world, you have a passion and a cause and you have ethics. (There, I said it. I used the E word.)

We're not out to make a quick buck. We're in it for the long haul, to somehow make a difference, to inspire, to change things, to shake shit up.

And chances are, we also don't have the ridiculous amount of money needed (or the desire) to outsource all the work that takes the hard work out of making money. Nor would we want to gain from cheap labour and words that aren't ours.

Let's be honest.

No magic drink is going to make me a hundred pounds lighter, the same way as a £10,000 retreat isn't going to make you successful.

What's more likely to make you successful is spending an afternoon with a bunch of coloured pens and a drawing pad, working out what success means for you.

And what's more likely to make me a hundred pounds lighter is going for more walks and limiting my chocolate intake.

What's more likely to make you more money is figuring out what you love to do and how much money you really need or want.

These people who are out to solve all your problems in 5 easy steps? It's bullshit.

There are no 5 easy steps to happiness.

No 5 easy steps to make you a more positive person

There are no 5 quick things you can do to give yourself the body of Jennifer Anniston, the wealth of Bill Gates or the success of Taylor Swift.

There just aren't.

And when you stop reading the bullshit that tells you otherwise, you actually get somewhere. You start making those plans, working on your confidence, setting yourself goals and following you own intuition.

And when you start to realise that those 5 steps, those 4 quick hours, those six figure fixers are bullshit and just don't exist, you're going to feel liberated.

You'll realise that doing things your way is more than okay. That you have you own definition of success, and your own way of getting there.

That's not to say there aren't people out there who can help you.

Of course there are. But make sure they're people who are speaking your language. Who share your values. And who are totally upfront about the amount of hard work and courage it takes to chase your dreams.

You've got all the answers inside you, you've got the creativity, the determination and the passion to create your own version of success.

And you've got the common sense in your head that tells you that not all problems can be solved - but they can be halved when shared with a friend and a cup of the tea :)

Dream chasers, bold and courageous women, passionate and compassionate souls? We're being sold a lie.

And damn right we're not going to take it anymore.

How to throw a one person dance party for yourself (& epic playlist!)

If you've never had a one person dance party, you've never lived. Ok, perhaps that's a bit extreme. But seriously, a one person dance party is one of the best ways to make yourself feel great.

What is a one person dance party? I hear you ask. Well, if it was an algebraic equation, it would look something like this:

dance party = pjs (bra optional, essential for me for health & safety) + closed door + loud music + bad singing

I mean, when was the last time you really let yourself go, put on your favourite music and danced like no one was watching?

A one person dance party also caters for most situations:

• Dealing with a break up? Scream Mr. Brightside

• Hate your job? Want to break freeeeeeeee?

• Quit your job & a boss that made you feel shit? I think P!nk has several songs for that.

Going on holiday? Going on a date? Need a pick me up?  I've got you covered.

So get your comfiest PJs on, turn the music up loud and party like it (isn't) 1999.

Watch on Youtube

Follow on Spotify (for spontaneous offline dance parties)

(minus the Taylor Swift. Sad face)

50 ways to show yourself you matter

No matter who you are, where you live and what you do, I don't think anyone can have too many reminders that you matter. That being said, as passionate and compassionate women, I think often we spend so much time boosting other people up, and not enough time making ourselves feel valued.

That's why I wrote a list of 50 ways to show yourself you matter. Because sometimes, it's hard to give ourselves that boost. Sometimes we lack inspiration, and sometimes it slips our mind completely. Use this list as a checklist, print it off and keep it somewhere you can see it or write you own!

Remember, you matter just as much as the people you're looking to help and inspire. You matter just as much the causes you're fighting for. You matter. Period.

1. Cook yourself your favourite meal

2. Buy/pick yourself a bunch of flowers

3. Watch re-runs of your favourite shows/ have a netflix binge

4. Schedule a nap

5. Keep a list of compliments people have given you

6. Send yourself a love letter

7. Buy yourself a new book

8. Watch your favourite film

9. Organise a date night for one

10. Start a gratitude diary

11. Bring affirmations into your life

12. Write yourself permission slips

13. Have a one person dance party

14.  Write funny memories on post it notes and put them around your bed

15. Learn a new skill

16. Go on a day trip

17. Give yourself permission to daydream,

18. Have coffee with the people you love in your life

19. Take a book/podcast to a coffee shop and enjoy time on your own

20. Say no to unreasonable demands

21. Put your favourite song on repeat and sing like your life depends on it

22. Only say yes to things that light you up and make you feel good

23. Meditate

24. Wear that dress you've been saving for a special occasion

25. Bake a cake/buy yourself a nice pudding

26. Read your favourite childhood book

27. Watch your favourite childhood film

28. Make something

29. Send yourself a postcard

30. Watch the sunset

31. Watch the sunrise

32. Feed some ducks

33. Go for a walk and enjoy your own company

34. Write a letter to your younger self

35. Watch something funny/make yourself laugh

36. Write nice things about yourself on your mirror with lipstick

37. Think of 3 qualities that you like most about yourself

38. Write down your values

39. Step outside your comfort zone and trust in yourself

40. Savour a hot drink

41. Take yourself out for breakfast

42. Start a scrapbook

43. Write a list of things you've done that you're proud of

44. Frame a favourite photo & put it on your nightstand

45. Keep and feed a pretty plant or cactus

46. Write a list of things that make you feel alive, and schedule those things into the next week

47. Block off half-hour (minimum) every day just for yourself

48. Eat a bowl of fresh fruit

49. Start a blog/journal - capture your life and share your story

50. Write your life as a short story, with you as the badass heroine

51. BONUS start every week on a great note with my free Sunday Reminders straight to your inbox! 

[et_bloom_inline optin_id="optin_4"]

Go on, go fall in love with yourself!

13 things you'll gain from starting that big project

Today I'm sharing with you the big fuck off reminders life gives you when you're undertaking any big project. Whether you're writing a book, thinking of starting your own business, planning a wedding, or even thinking that you'd like a big project; there are so many great takeaways. Now, if you're anything like me, you like to take on big projects. Or the idea of taking on a big project. Over the last 3 months, I have completely overhauled That Hummingbird Life's website, and when I completed it, like most things in my life, I asked myself, what are the lessons in this?

Any big project will tell you a lot about yourself. Pursuing any big dream, and the hard graft that it takes to get there, will teach you invaluable lessons.

So whatever project you're working on, or even thinking of starting, hopefully these home truths will help and inspire you.

1. You find out what really matters to you

When we take on projects, of course we always have hopes and aspirations for the end result, but it's fair to say that a guaranteed and specific financial income isn't set in stone. Money might not even come into it, like many things in life we love. What that means is that so many of us are motivated by the things that matter to us. Fulfilment, working for a purpose,  happiness, connection.

Taking on a project is a chance to get to the root of what lights us up. It's an opportunity to remind ourselves of what really matters, what we're working towards, and keep us grounded and focused. And no matter where we are in life, it's a welcome and much needed reminder for all of us.

2. You gain so much more confidence and resilience

Something will always go wrong last minute. And it's usually something you don't plan for. But it's not a reason not to try in the first place. After all, by the time you're near completing your project, you've gained so much self trust and confidence, the thing that goes wrong usually comes as a surprise. And as a result of that, you deal with it. It's a great cycle that shows you that you're able to deal with anything life throws at you, and in turn increases your confidence further. Win win.

3. Everyone will have advice but you have all the answers

E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E. It might be well meaning from someone you love, it might be someone manipulating where you're at to sell you something (buy this book to write a BESTSELLING novel). Everyone loves to give out free advice. But somewhere in between starting out and really getting stuck in, you'll realise how much knowledge you already have. And how much listening to your gut tells you. And that's pretty fucking powerful stuff.

4. You realise you can't please everyone, and that's OK

The same way as everyone always has advice, everyone always has an opinion. And they'll give it to you, unsolicited at a moment's notice. If you have a friend/partner that you trust to tell you the truth (in a loving way), use them as a sounding board. But what many famous writers have advised around not telling everyone the whole story until it's done? I think there's some leg room in that. It's not your job to please everyone - it's an impossible goal, and you'll just end up feeling shite. But you'll learn that along the way, and that is pretty fucking powerful.

5. You have to trust in yourself, that you will be able to bring your vision to life

Putting your idea into words is hard. Explaining it can be even harder. Even with the most elaborate Pinterest boards or deck of notecards, it's hard to show other people your vision before it's come to life. But just because you can't find the right words, or other people seem confused as to what it is you're aiming for, doesn't mean that it's not going to happen. And it certainly doesn't mean your ideas are silly, or too big. In the moment when you're faced with fear and self doubt, remember that you had the idea. You have what it takes to bring it to life. And if people aren't understanding it just yet, it's more likely to be because you've tapped into something special, instead of your idea being intangible.

6. You'll accumulate a ridiculous amount of skills

You get such a larger set of skills by starting a project that sets your heart of fire, instead of starting out to just learn a skill. Instead of starting by trawling through technical details, you start with what makes you excited, and pick the skills you need up on the way. Research and development are two of the most essential parts when it comes to working on a project, and it's always worth writing a quick list of skills you accumulated after it's done. I guarantee you'll be surprised.

7. You have to start before you're ready

While research is important, it also functions as a defence mechanism against fear. When I was a teenager, I spent years buying writing magazines instead of just putting pen to paper. There's something safe about learning more about doing something, without actually doing anything. One thing starting a project shows you is that you'll never be 100% ready. There will always be something else you could have looked up, or something else you could have spent money on. But when you get that urge just to start already? That's an image that's going to stay in your head and motivate and inspire you for a long time to come.

8. You'll find courage you didn't know was there

Starting before you're ready takes a lot of fucking courage. And throughout all of the twists and turns of whatever you're working on, you'll find courage that you didn't even know existed. Courage to tell the outside world what you're doing. Courage to share yourself with the world, and courage to feel the fear and keep on going.

9. While everyone will marvel at what you've done, not many people will see the blood, sweat & tears

Dealing with other people's reactions is an important one. People will wonder where you found the time, where you found the energy and where the talent came from. It's always worth remembering that jealousy and admiration can be sides of the same coin, and the bitter ones? The words they speak say more about themselves than what you're doing. We're increasingly living in a world where people produce the latest shiny things as if it's as easy as taking a shit. They don't show you the messy bits, the late nights, the tears of frustration. They want to be seen as having it all figured out. 1) No one has it all figured out and 2) Seeing the messy bits shows that you're human. That you didn't come out of the womb dressed in a tutu and with an iPhone.

10. You learn that it's okay to take a break

You can only have so many sleepless nights, stare at the computer for so long, or read the same paragraph so many times. At some point, you're going to realise that, like it or not, you really need a break. Then you realise that when you're rested, you can get so much more done and it starts becoming fun again.There's nothing like tiredness and exhaustion to suck all the fun and enthusiasm out of your life like a dementor. When you learn that your mind and your body needs a break, and it's often the best thing you can do, life gets a hell of a lot easier.

11. Deadlines increase your ability to make decisions

When you have no timeframe, it's so easy to get caught up in analysis paralysis. Decisions can take days and it just gets really frustrating. But when you've got a big project and you set yourself deadlines, it can be a different story. Decisions that might have taken you a week to make? You don't want to stall the project for too long, so they're made much quicker. And you end up trusting your own judgement so much more. And self trust? That's something you're not going to find on Amazon.

12.  There is no right feeling when you've finished

This is a big one for me. When you finish a project, it's a whole mixed bag of emotions. We can put too much pressure on ourselves to feel over the moon and enthusiastic. For me, right when I finish a project, exhaustion sweeps over me. Any sort of pride, or ability to give a fuck goes. Then a couple of days it all catches up with me and I get a huge boost. Whatever you're feeling, your feelings are legitimate. Just remember to mark it/celebrate it in some way!

13. You learn to manage your own expectations

Starting a big project can do wonders for managing your own expectations. We tend to downplay the things we're great at, simultaneously giving ourselves huge goals that aren't always attainable. Somewhere in the process, you start working out your own definition of success and managing your own expectations to something that makes you feel great.

Everyone's experiences are different, but I know one thing for absolutely certain. Starting a big project gets you closer to where you want to be. Whatever the motivating factor, the main thing is that you start.

Because once you start? The world is your oyster. You have so much genius only you can put into the world, and the world needs to see it! Wrestle those fears!

I'm looking forward to writing more posts on starting and planning projects.

I'd love to know any questions you'd love me to answer, or any experiences you've had in the comment box below!

5 TED Talks to Increase Your Self Love

Anyone who's been around me for more than twenty minutes knows that I'm a fan of surrounding myself with inspiring people. And then sharing those people with everyone around me! I live for things that give me the chance to see something from a different perspective, bring more joy to my life and the world, and inspire creativity.

They could be people in my life, experiences or places I've been to. Or they could be the podcasts I listen to, books I read and the things I watch on the internet.

I find myself recommending similar things time and time again. If I see something I love, I have to share it. And a lot of those things are TED Talks.

So, I wanted to take some time today to share with you my all time favourite TED talks. Some of these are well know, some of the lesser known, but they all have one thing in common.

They share with us how to live a more truthful life, a life where we feel valued and a life where we're not afraid to love ourselves.

Watch them all at once, bookmark this page to come back to, take time to view them on a shitty day. Whatever works for you.

Today's the day to stand up and own who you are!

1. The Danger of a Single Story - Chimamanda Adichie

[Tweet "Self Love Reminder: Find your story, own your story, and share your story."]

https://youtu.be/D9Ihs241zeg?t=13s

2. The Power of Vulnerability - Brene Brown

[Tweet "Self Love Reminder: You are enough"]

https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o?t=15s

3. Want to be happy? Be grateful - David Steindl-Rast

[Tweet "Self Love Reminder: Every moment is an opportunity. Stop. Listen. Go."]

https://youtu.be/UtBsl3j0YRQ?t=12s

4. The Art of Asking - Amanda Palmer

[Tweet "Self Love Reminder: You are crazy badass & people will love you"]

https://youtu.be/xMj_P_6H69g?t=11s

5. Why Some of Us Don't Have One True Calling - Emilie Wapnick

[Tweet "Self Love Reminder: Own your awesomeness. You're not a misfit, you have a gift. "]

https://youtu.be/QJORi5VO1F8

As always, I'd love to hear from YOU! I'm always on the search for great talks, so if you have any recommendations, pop them in the comment box below or send me a tweet @megkissack :) <3

Why stepping outside of your comfort zone is like being in a dystopian novel

The other day I saw a card that read ‘stepping out of your comfort zone has never killed anyone’. At the time, I chuckled and kept on walking. I was on the way home from work and when you’re commuting in London, you don’t really stop, stare and think. (People will stand on you.)

Stepping outside of your comfort zone doesn’t mean auditioning for a Broadway Musical, or walking down your nearest high street stark bollocks naked. Though, if that’s your thing - go for it.

Stepping outside of your comfort zone is more about recognising where your comfort zone is, figuring out how often you step outside of it, and looking at the WHY.

It’s about and deciding that your desire to live life to the full is bigger than coming face to face with your fears. It’s about and seeing how far your potential stretches. It’s about knowing that you may fail, and doing it anyway.

It’s like dystopian novels, where the main character figures out the walls that they thought were built around them to protect them, restrain them.

They’ve become so afraid of what’s outside of the world, that it takes a long time to question the purpose of the wall.

They’re terrified of life outside the walls and it takes a while to see that life beyond the walls gives them more freedom, adventure and ability to be, than the walls that cage them.

Stepping outside of your comfort zone? It's learning that there’s more to life than the box we’ve built for ourselves.

Stepping outside of our comfort zone is about seeing if those wing you've been building for yourself will let you fly.

A Day in the Mind of a Self Care Warrior

It won’t come as a surprise to hear that I’ve spent a great proportion of life struggling with guilt, feeling selfish and going full pelt, with no thought to the effect on myself. A lot of us do.

I’ve talked a lot on my blog about how things have changed for me in the past couple of years, and how my mindset has shifted. I used to be someone who would google how to relax, how to find a hobby and symptoms of burnout.

Self care? It wasn't even part of my dictionary!

Now, I’m a lot happier - doing  things for my own pleasure, and taking time out. I’ve changed my perspective on changing the world, and I’m a hell of a lot happier.

But, that doesn’t mean that every day is a breeze. So, I thought today’s post would cover what it’s like to be in the mind of a self care warrior and the things I do every day to really solidify and affirm that mindset.

It’s not an easy transition, and is absolutely a work in progress.

What it takes is constant grounding, bringing myself back to what’s important, and regular reminders to slow down, take time for myself and appreciate the beauty of the moment, instead of getting lost future-tripping.

The Decision Filter

For example, I try to make sure that decisions go through a filter - that filter is mainly unconscious now as I’ve worked hard to instill these values. My decision filter goes a little something like this:

1. Will it bring me joy?

2. Does it align with my values?

3. How much energy will it realistically take, and do I have that energy?

4. What have I already got going on?

Remembering to think about my energy, being seriously realistic about how long things take, and figuring out whether it's going to be something that sets my heart on fire, or paves the way for something to do just that, is super important.

Daily Reminders

On days that are harder than others, where old thought patterns start creeping in, I remind myself of following things. They keep me grounded, they keep me in the moment, and they keep my self-esteem up.

I am enough. 

Self care is a necessity, not a luxury.

I am not responsible for other people's decisions or the way they live their live.

[Tweet " I am not superwoman, she does not exist."]

That first one? That's the mothership of everything self care related. It's not about being good enough, being nice enough, kind enough, smart enough. It's about knowing you are enough, right in this moment, without needing to change anything.

 Inspiration

As a creative person, and someone who loves thinking about ideas and hearing about other people's stories, feeling inspired is really important to me.

I take a bit of a no-nonsense approach to keeping inspired. I spent about ten years waiting for a muse to arise out of mid-air, and I hardly wrote a word during that time. I became blocked, stuck, and waiting on some external thing to come and rescue me. Inside secret: it never did.

Instead, I had to focus on feeding my mind and soul instead.

There are a couple of things that work for me, really really well:

1. Showing up

Allowing myself excuses, but recognising them as just that. I give myself breathing space, and then I woman up and get down to it. Showing up is about 80% of the effort behind being successful. (Percentage picked out of thin air, but I think it's pretty accurate).

2. Surrounding myself with inspiring people

Spending time with people who are loud and proud themselves, and are living their life their own way really inspires me. That includes spending time with friends and listening to talks, reading and listening to interviews. I find passion contagious.

However, I also think it's so important to create your own path and know that you can change things, using your strengths in the only way you can. While I love being surrounded by people who inspire me, it's so crucial to not try and be a watered down version of someone else. Let you freak flag fly and be the only thing you can be - you.

3. Taking time out

If I'm starting to feel tired, or ideas just aren't flying, I really acknowledge that it's time to take time out. I always know that having some downtime and doing things that make me really happy puts the sparkle back in my life, so I kick back, take care of myself and trust that I'll be back in the game belong.

The quote 'It will all be alright in the end, and if it's not alright, it's not the end', is a really important element of how I live life.

It's not easy

Putting yourself first, and nurturing yourself is always a work in progress. Some days it's harder than others to remember that I am enough. Some days decisions don't go through the filter properly and I panic about little things.

And that's okay.

None of us are perfect, and it's never going to go 100% right, and that's okay.

It's how we pick ourselves up when we go off track, when we fall off the wagon that counts.

Like Mary Ann Radmacher said (warning! favourite quote ever coming up!)

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it's the quiet voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow."

An Open Letter to Fellow Couragemakers Who Have Lost All Hope In The World

Dear fellow Couragemakers,

It's pretty hard not to think that we're all fucked.

As the empathisers, the carers, the world shakers, we know how it works. We know how much of the world is held up by misogyny, racism, class war, ablism and homophobia. While we strive to make the world a brighter place, we're reminded every day just how much injustice and oppression we're fighting.

But behind our rage, our disappointment and perhaps our indifference, lies a bigger danger. A loss of hope.

The same loss of hope that can lead to despair, depression, and total burnout. We can start to feel like we've become disillusioned and we've lost our purpose.

And that's completely normal. Especially with such a build up, so much uncertainty, and with the news and political parties installing fear into every essence of our being

But seriously, it doesn't have to be that way.

Being burnt out isn't a trophy of your hard work. It doesn't justify your work as an activist, and it certainly isn't a measure of how much you care.

It's a call that you need to start looking after yourself, and regain your strength.

Turn off the news. Go off grid. Do something completely unrelated. Find whatever it is that takes you outside of the activist realm and gives you peace, and go do it.

That doesn't mean that you won't start again tomorrow, next week or next year. You're not giving up on the the world. It doesn't mean you don't care about the world.

It simply means you acknowledge that before you can help others, you need to help yourself first. You need to replenish yourself, regain your strength, and find a way to keep grounded in what's important to you, as well as the cause.

And the great thing about that?

You start to see your own wellbeing on the same level as the cause. And as a result of that, you start playing a more important role in the cause. You start to bring a new perspective, and action that only you can bring.

And it starts to become sustainable. You can impact change in a measured way, that doesn't drain you or demoralise you.

You can bring more joy into your life, amongst the trauma and the pain.

You can start to feel good, amongst the shit and quit feeling bad about that.

You can change the people around you, who will change the people around them, and then slowly, you begin to change the world.

One person, one mindset at a time.

Change doesn't always have to come in the form of a political upheaval, especially if that system isn't rigged to work anyway.

Change can come from deciding to share more positivity with those closest from you. From deciding to make sure you use community facilities, and encouraging your friends to do the same.

Change can come from picking up shopping for your next door neighbour when you go out. From making an effort to welcome new people into your community.

Change can happen from a smile.

We spend so much time focusing on the end goal that we become depleted and detached.

What if the end goal was to impact the world by becoming the best person you can be, to be a positive influence to those closest to you , in the faith that it'll rub off on them and the cycle will continue?

So wherever you are, whatever you're fighting for, take the time now to take care of yourself.

Because that's truly the best thing you can do for the world in the long run.

Yours,

A fellow fighter

peace-outline