What Becoming Visible Has Taught Me

When I ran the New Year’s Revolution challenge at the start of the year, I set myself a challenge for 2016. And that was to become more visible. And share my many stories. For me that meant putting my whole self out there. Not hiding behind a screen or a mask, but showing up, as I am.

And that’s some tough scary shit. Because it’s really hard to meet yourself as you are and a) be okay with yourself and b) show that to the world.

For me, a big part of becoming visible meant sharing my whole story, not just the good bits; the bits that sound great on paper. But instead telling the whole thing. Messy bits, the ugly bits and the bits I’d change if I was re-writing it.

I’ve written a lot recently about sharing your story and it’s one of my core beliefs that the world needs to hear the messy, complicated, stories. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

While I was sick of hiding the complicated bits and things that didn’t make sense, I’ve been terrified to really show myself. 

And I know I’m not alone in this. So many of us are living this same struggle. And sometimes our logic isn’t rational, but it feels very real and serious to us.

I mean, I nearly didn’t start my podcast because I’m fat. How does that even make sense? I mean, what the fuck is that about?!

And I’ve been shy in sharing my own mental health struggles because I feared that it would discredit my ability to talk about wellbeing, overcoming burnout and living a wholehearted life. (This, I also learned, is bollocks).

So many of us who are fighting for a brighter, better world have struggles and don’t have our shit together. And like I’ve written before, no one wants real life advice from the person who claims that they never have and never will have problems because life is magical. In some ways, having problems makes us most qualified to do it.

But to me, at that time, showing up fully, with both the shit and giggles was a serious concern.

In this self help world of green smoothies and yoga at 5am, I had so many mixed feelings as showing up the way I am.

As a fat woman who struggles with her mental health , the world makes so many assumptions and I didn’t want that.

But I’d started to define myself by my struggles and not by my unique combination of skills and strengths or the passion that I have to make the world a brighter place.

And because I’d already figured out in my own head how people would react, (which FYI, didn’t come true. At all) I’d scared myself shitless about it.

But someway along the way, I realised that becoming visible wasn’t this horrible, scary thing that would mean the end to life as I knew it.

It was a lot like closing your eyes, squeezing your hands tightly together and blurting out what you’ve wanted to say for a while, then coming up to air and realising the world hasn’t ended.

It gave me life. It felt absolutely invigorating to actually put myself out there. To log into skype and have deep intimate conversations with women all over the world for my podcast was terrifying to begin with, but has quickly become one of my all time favourite things to do.

Launching a New Year’s Revolution email course was exciting and so refreshing. Jumping on Skype with people I’ve only known via email has only made our relationships better.

Instead of doing it for the sake of a challenge, putting myself out there actually became fun. I learned that as much as I tell myself otherwise to keep myself safe, I thrive on connecting with other like minded people. I absolutely love talking to people and getting to know their stories. I love showing up as my bright coloured self, being really honest and trying to make the world a better place.

And the last four months have taken me to some pretty amazing places.

I actually started the podcast I put off for so long and it has been even more beautiful than I ever could have dreamt of. Then I put it into the world with some radical honesty and interviewed the most incredible women, and The Couragemakers Podcast ended up in New & Noteworthy (say whaaaat?).

And I’ve enjoyed (enjoyed!) being interviewed for some other amazing podcasts. I shared my struggles with being in the entrepreneur world and my upcoming round the world adventure with VK the VA for her wonderful podcast Behind The Boss Mask and got seriously honest with Sarah Starrs about multipotentiality, the truth and myths behind lifestyle design and uninstagrammable self care on her Punk Rock Personal Development Podcast.

And to put the icing on the cake, I’ve become really open about my own mental health struggles and also really spoken out about my life as a fat woman with Rose Gold (which comes out on Thursday!)

And I’ve learned something huge through this experience:

Hiding yourself from the world not only does a great disservice to yourself, but it gives a great disservice to the world.

The world needs your story. The world needs more raw and honest stories. And you’ll be surprised just how not alone you are when you start sharing.

Like courage breeds courage, honest breeds honesty and stories breed stories.

Showing up as yourself, owning your own story is a radical thing to do, especially in this world where we’re told that only so many stories count.

Because your story does count, the same way as you matter.

You have so much to give the world. And you’re going to enjoy your life so much more where you can really step into your life and claim your spot on the stage.

Read this if you've ever felt like a fraud

I want to talk about something today that we don’t really like to talk about, or admit. We all feel like frauds.

Who am I to be doing this?

Why should someone pay me attention/money to do this? 

What if they find out that I feel like a mess and discover I’m a massive fraud?

Who do you think you are to do this? What makes you qualify to have a voice on this?

How long is it going to be until someone finds out, and then I’m done. I’m going to lose it all.

What if my boss/friend/client going to find out they chose the wrong person?

I’m not an expert!

I’ve had these thoughts, you’ve had these thoughts, and even John Green feels like a fraud and like he doesn’t know how to write a novel.

Sometimes it feels like a ‘guess what celebrity I am’ post it note stuck on your forehead that you’re desperately trying to hide.

(You can breathe a huge sigh of relief that you’re not alone now!)

And I think there’s a good reason many of us feel like frauds.

It comes from a place of good intention.

We’re mission driven, we want to help people, and our inner perfectionists want us to do the The Best Job Ever.

We’re given so many reasons to listen to the voice inside us that tells us we’re not good enough, that when we put something in the world, when we try something, our imposter voice comes out to keep us in check.

Because for so many of us, we don’t want to let people down, we don’t want to be seen as conceited, we don’t want to wave our expertise or our own strengths around like a bra at a Macklemore gig.

Instead, we worry like hell.

We worry that we’re not doing a good job, counter to what anyone else is telling us. We convince ourselves that the people who support us and encourage us don’t know our secret; the full story - the one where we’re a MASSIVE IMPOSTER.

(And sometimes, when things get really shitty, we can convince ourselves that people don’t mean their compliments, they’re doing it just to make us feel good, or because they pity us. Hello, crippling self-doubt!)

We all have our own fraud stories. Every single one of us. We’ve all had those thoughts, and we’ve all unintentionally and sometimes intentionally kept ourselves back because we feel like a massive fraud.

My own fraud story 

When I started That Hummingbird Life, it was primarily about recovering from burnout and self care. And I used to beat myself up so much about getting burnt out. Fucking hell did I give myself a hard time when I myself got burnt out.

When I first started, I’d just recovered from a couple of serious burnout episodes and had found things that helped me.

For the first time in my life, I saw the value in taking time for myself, the value in putting myself on my priority list, and I started to say no to things, do things that made my heart sing and generally remember that I am valued and I actually matter.

And I learned SO much from that process. It was a complicated, messy, human process and I shared a lot of it. I wanted to share my journey, share things I found invaluable, and share my struggle.

But it turns out it takes longer than a couple of years to un-do learned behaviours we’ve been repeating over and over again our entire lives (help everyone, say yes, just keep going, practice makes perfect).

So I would still burnout. But there was a difference. It wasn’t so hard, and it didn’t take me as long to bounce back. Each time was getting quicker, because I’d built resilience and tools that I know worked for me to help me deal with it.

But at the time, I wasn’t focusing on how I was doing. All I could feel when I did burnout was how much of a fraud I was, and I felt guilty. I thought it made me a hypocrite.

I thought I was an absolute fraud. And a failure. 

The thought that kept going round in my head was  who am I to think that I could help other people, if I still get trapped in the burnout cycle and struggle with self care.

And it really chipped at my confidence. I found it harder to blog and share things that had helped me because I felt like I wasn’t doing it 100% right myself.

I found it harder to blog and stopped offering coaching completely, even though I know I helped many people because of my experience and because I was good at what I did.

With The Couragemakers Podcast, the same familiar thoughts came back to me.

But something changed.

At some point down the line, I figured that everyone has these feelings, and they’re a safety mechanism to keep us in our comfort zones, and to keep us from thinking we’ve got ‘too big for our boots’.

That doesn’t mean to say I never feel like a fraud anymore. Far from it!

I even thought who am I to be writing about fraud? Several times through writing this.

If you’ve got passionate bones in your body, if you genuinely want to help people and put good shit in the world, you’re going to feel like a fraud at some point.

Not necessarily all the time, maybe it’s just fleeting. But we all feel it.

No matter what your work, your passion project - whatever it is you’re putting in the world - is, feeling like a fraud is a part of it.

But being human is even more a fundamental part of it.

If you’re doing something because you experienced it and found something that works for you and want to share it, then that is a completely valid way of helping people. (And it’s also worth remembering that we write what we most need to hear; we work on the things that heal us.)

Experience is a completely valid place to create from.

And experiences are never simple. There’s never a point A or a point B. There’s a couple of salsa steps forward then sliding backwards on your arse.

The fraud is the person who stands there and says they no have zero problems.

The fraud is the confidence coach who tells you they are now 110% completely happy in themselves, that they can establish effective boundaries for every single relationship they have and no longer struggle with self doubt, whatesoever anymore.

The fraud is the person who stands up with the fairy godmother transformation and preaches that they’ve completely figured it out and they don’t struggle anymore.

The fraud is the person that promises you unrealistic fantasies that they pass off as real life.

The fraud is the person that tells you their life used to be awful but now it’s the most amazing fucking thing they could ever fucking imagine.

The fraud is NOT YOU.

You feel like a fraud because we all do.

Because you care.

Because you know deep down you have something of immense value to add to the world, but your first instinct is to keep you safe (in the comfort zone).

You are anything, but alone.

Dream Chasing: 30 things before 30

It's a couple of days after my 25th birthday and I've been thinking a lot lately about life. About how slow time goes now I'm not having the same mundane day over and over again working at a job I hated. About how I have so many goals but because I only keep them in my head, they end up feeling all over the place instead of exciting. And ultimately about how I need to take more risks and look fear in the face. So my 30 things to do before I'm 30 list started.

Why 30?

Because it sounded much more realistic than 101. And why before 30? Because I don't know where life is taking me, and that is EXCITING! For once, I don't have a 3 year plan and I'm not obsessing about the HOW but instead I'm focusing on the WHY.

If you'd asked the 21 year old me what my life goals were by 30, I'd probably have said to start my own charity, have children and and to have saved the world.My life looks a lot different now I've learned to manage my expectations and learn who I am and I couldn't be happier.

Because here's the truth of it.

I don't know what's going to happen. I certainly couldn't have predicted at 15 what I'd be doing at 25. I couldn't have predicted it at 20. Because so many weird and wonderful things have happened and so many opportunities have opened up as I've changed my perspective from a type a stress head to a recovering type a stress head!

So here goes with my list (in no particular order). It definitely feels pretty vulnerable putting it online! I'll be updating it as I go along and adding more things as I discover things I want to do that keep me up at night and keep my zest for life alive.

30 Things to Do Before I'm 30

(last updated August 2018, age 27, 2 and a bit years to go!)

1. Backpack across US DONE, India and South East Asia

2. Get tattoos

3. Ride/meet an elephant

4. Write a fictional novel

5. Finish my amazing patchwork throw made of fabrics I've collected on my travels

6. Create a big piece of art on canvas

7. Perform a live country gig

8. Become a spoken word poet and perform

9. Become location independent as a self employed person DONE!

10. Start and sustain a successful podcast DONE!

11. Speak in front of a live audience of 1,000 people

12. Publish a book (including self published)

13. Produce artwork & jewellery to sell

14. Edit and produce a magazine

15. Perform a stand up gig

16. Sustain and take That Hummingbird Life to the next level DONE!

17. Develop a better relationship with my body

18. Go to Nashville & dance my feet off DONE!

19. Actually pass my driving test

20. Write collection of short stories

21. Have a civil partnership with Mr. Meg and have the a festival wedding

22. Have my own line of stationery

23. Go to a silent disco, paint rave and colour festival

24. See Macklemore & Ryan Lewis live! DONE! TWICE - London & Vegas

25. Go on a creative retreat

26. Explore European cities including Amsterdam, Berlin, Prague, eastern europe

27. Write a postcard to myself every week for the next 5 years

28. Write, direct and perform my own one person musical (even if only to family and friends.)

29. Go to CMA fest & C2C DONE! Went to C2C, not so bothered about CMA fest now!

30. Learn to cook GOOD Tapas, Thai, Indian and American southern food.

So here goes! 5 years of very exciting things! I'd LOVE to know if you have a bucket list or how you've recorded your goals! Let me know in the comments!

The Online Gurus You Don't Want To Listen To

I want to tackle the controversy of online gurus. You know, the people online who have millions of followers and tell you that you can be happy, if you just choose to be happy - and then wealth will follow! And you just need to do this one little thing, and you'll basically be Bill Gates! Yep, them.

It seems like everyone has become an expert. Especially online. I wrote a post earlier this week about the bullshit that lies behind how apparently 'easy' it is to make 6 figures online.

(It also seems like my tolerance for bullshit has lowered)

So, if you keep finding yourself falling in the trap and in with the hype (I know I sometimes do), or you're unsure of who to listen to, here's a quick reminder of the online gurus you don't want to listen to.

1. The people who say there is only one way of doing things

There are many ways, and there are no definitive right or wrong ways. Instead, look for things that feel right for you and follow them. Don't feel ashamed that you're doing something differently. Different is good!

2. The people who actively judge others or think they’re stupid for doing other things

A Brené Brown quote comes to mind when I think of this: “You cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviors.” If someone thinks you're stupid for doing something, screw them. They don't deserve to be in your life

3. People who just chat shit about money

Another saying comes to mind here: if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. And the people that only chat about money? Generally speaking, they're not the people who are going to teach you to build a purpose driven life/business that helps others. They're just about making money. And making money isn't a bad things - heck, we all need it. But it can't all just be about making all the money, all the time.

4. People who claim that overnight success is a thing, or it’s easy working for yourself

This really pisses me off. What you don't see behind these people who claim to have 'overnight success' is the years of hard work, and the blood, sweat and tears that have gone into this (or, perhaps cynically, the blood, sweat and tears of the people they've outsourced to). I don't know what it is about the online world and not showing the efforts it takes to get from A to B. Either way, this fairytale 'and then it just happened and I became rich and happily ever after' is a myth. Don't buy into it. It'll just make you feel shit.

5. People who make you feel bad. Period

Again, going back to the Brené Brown quote, shame isn't going to make someone change their behaviour. It can bring on self-destructive behaviours, or make you give your life savings (if you have them) to someone who bullies you into buying their product, making a gazillion promises they can't keep. Instead, work on setting good boundaries and remember that you're an amazing person and no one has the right to tell you otherwise.

6. People who make you feel shit about what you’ve done so far and suggest their way, is THE ONLY way

Girl. Seriously. What you've done so far is epic and you don't need those fools. Be proud of what you've done, go celebrate.

7. People who don’t have problems

This is a HUGE one for me. Everyone has problems. Rich people, poor people, those in-between. We all have problems. I get so angry when I look at people at the top-level of their niche, and they're flouncing around having this perfect life and everything is so wonderful and nothing bad ever happens. I get that not everyone wants to declare their problems/issues to the world, but damn we've all got them. Admitting you struggle makes you human. Showing the not so exciting and not so colourful parts of life makes us remember that we're all in this hot mess of human-ness together. Don't trust the people who tell you they have it all figured out. They don't.

HOWEVER

That's not to say that there aren't loads of people online you could learn from, or who could add massive value to your life.

I love blogs and podcasts. I love learning from other people. I love learning and listening to people who are full of passion, flaunt their human-ness and want to see other people fly.

The people worth listening to are:

People who hold similar values to yourself

People who don't shy away from their back story

People who own their struggles and share them

You know more than you think you do. You don't need someone else to tell you how to succeed. You don't need a guru to make your life better. Chances are, what you need is to start believing in yourself, to surround yourself with people who make you feel alive, and to take the pressure off yourself a bit.

You, my friend, are doing great.

50 ways to show yourself you matter

No matter who you are, where you live and what you do, I don't think anyone can have too many reminders that you matter. That being said, as passionate and compassionate women, I think often we spend so much time boosting other people up, and not enough time making ourselves feel valued.

That's why I wrote a list of 50 ways to show yourself you matter. Because sometimes, it's hard to give ourselves that boost. Sometimes we lack inspiration, and sometimes it slips our mind completely. Use this list as a checklist, print it off and keep it somewhere you can see it or write you own!

Remember, you matter just as much as the people you're looking to help and inspire. You matter just as much the causes you're fighting for. You matter. Period.

1. Cook yourself your favourite meal

2. Buy/pick yourself a bunch of flowers

3. Watch re-runs of your favourite shows/ have a netflix binge

4. Schedule a nap

5. Keep a list of compliments people have given you

6. Send yourself a love letter

7. Buy yourself a new book

8. Watch your favourite film

9. Organise a date night for one

10. Start a gratitude diary

11. Bring affirmations into your life

12. Write yourself permission slips

13. Have a one person dance party

14.  Write funny memories on post it notes and put them around your bed

15. Learn a new skill

16. Go on a day trip

17. Give yourself permission to daydream,

18. Have coffee with the people you love in your life

19. Take a book/podcast to a coffee shop and enjoy time on your own

20. Say no to unreasonable demands

21. Put your favourite song on repeat and sing like your life depends on it

22. Only say yes to things that light you up and make you feel good

23. Meditate

24. Wear that dress you've been saving for a special occasion

25. Bake a cake/buy yourself a nice pudding

26. Read your favourite childhood book

27. Watch your favourite childhood film

28. Make something

29. Send yourself a postcard

30. Watch the sunset

31. Watch the sunrise

32. Feed some ducks

33. Go for a walk and enjoy your own company

34. Write a letter to your younger self

35. Watch something funny/make yourself laugh

36. Write nice things about yourself on your mirror with lipstick

37. Think of 3 qualities that you like most about yourself

38. Write down your values

39. Step outside your comfort zone and trust in yourself

40. Savour a hot drink

41. Take yourself out for breakfast

42. Start a scrapbook

43. Write a list of things you've done that you're proud of

44. Frame a favourite photo & put it on your nightstand

45. Keep and feed a pretty plant or cactus

46. Write a list of things that make you feel alive, and schedule those things into the next week

47. Block off half-hour (minimum) every day just for yourself

48. Eat a bowl of fresh fruit

49. Start a blog/journal - capture your life and share your story

50. Write your life as a short story, with you as the badass heroine

51. BONUS start every week on a great note with my free Sunday Reminders straight to your inbox! 

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Go on, go fall in love with yourself!

A Day in the Mind of a Self Care Warrior

It won’t come as a surprise to hear that I’ve spent a great proportion of life struggling with guilt, feeling selfish and going full pelt, with no thought to the effect on myself. A lot of us do.

I’ve talked a lot on my blog about how things have changed for me in the past couple of years, and how my mindset has shifted. I used to be someone who would google how to relax, how to find a hobby and symptoms of burnout.

Self care? It wasn't even part of my dictionary!

Now, I’m a lot happier - doing  things for my own pleasure, and taking time out. I’ve changed my perspective on changing the world, and I’m a hell of a lot happier.

But, that doesn’t mean that every day is a breeze. So, I thought today’s post would cover what it’s like to be in the mind of a self care warrior and the things I do every day to really solidify and affirm that mindset.

It’s not an easy transition, and is absolutely a work in progress.

What it takes is constant grounding, bringing myself back to what’s important, and regular reminders to slow down, take time for myself and appreciate the beauty of the moment, instead of getting lost future-tripping.

The Decision Filter

For example, I try to make sure that decisions go through a filter - that filter is mainly unconscious now as I’ve worked hard to instill these values. My decision filter goes a little something like this:

1. Will it bring me joy?

2. Does it align with my values?

3. How much energy will it realistically take, and do I have that energy?

4. What have I already got going on?

Remembering to think about my energy, being seriously realistic about how long things take, and figuring out whether it's going to be something that sets my heart on fire, or paves the way for something to do just that, is super important.

Daily Reminders

On days that are harder than others, where old thought patterns start creeping in, I remind myself of following things. They keep me grounded, they keep me in the moment, and they keep my self-esteem up.

I am enough. 

Self care is a necessity, not a luxury.

I am not responsible for other people's decisions or the way they live their live.

[Tweet " I am not superwoman, she does not exist."]

That first one? That's the mothership of everything self care related. It's not about being good enough, being nice enough, kind enough, smart enough. It's about knowing you are enough, right in this moment, without needing to change anything.

 Inspiration

As a creative person, and someone who loves thinking about ideas and hearing about other people's stories, feeling inspired is really important to me.

I take a bit of a no-nonsense approach to keeping inspired. I spent about ten years waiting for a muse to arise out of mid-air, and I hardly wrote a word during that time. I became blocked, stuck, and waiting on some external thing to come and rescue me. Inside secret: it never did.

Instead, I had to focus on feeding my mind and soul instead.

There are a couple of things that work for me, really really well:

1. Showing up

Allowing myself excuses, but recognising them as just that. I give myself breathing space, and then I woman up and get down to it. Showing up is about 80% of the effort behind being successful. (Percentage picked out of thin air, but I think it's pretty accurate).

2. Surrounding myself with inspiring people

Spending time with people who are loud and proud themselves, and are living their life their own way really inspires me. That includes spending time with friends and listening to talks, reading and listening to interviews. I find passion contagious.

However, I also think it's so important to create your own path and know that you can change things, using your strengths in the only way you can. While I love being surrounded by people who inspire me, it's so crucial to not try and be a watered down version of someone else. Let you freak flag fly and be the only thing you can be - you.

3. Taking time out

If I'm starting to feel tired, or ideas just aren't flying, I really acknowledge that it's time to take time out. I always know that having some downtime and doing things that make me really happy puts the sparkle back in my life, so I kick back, take care of myself and trust that I'll be back in the game belong.

The quote 'It will all be alright in the end, and if it's not alright, it's not the end', is a really important element of how I live life.

It's not easy

Putting yourself first, and nurturing yourself is always a work in progress. Some days it's harder than others to remember that I am enough. Some days decisions don't go through the filter properly and I panic about little things.

And that's okay.

None of us are perfect, and it's never going to go 100% right, and that's okay.

It's how we pick ourselves up when we go off track, when we fall off the wagon that counts.

Like Mary Ann Radmacher said (warning! favourite quote ever coming up!)

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it's the quiet voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow."

An Open Letter to Fellow Couragemakers Who Have Lost All Hope In The World

Dear fellow Couragemakers,

It's pretty hard not to think that we're all fucked.

As the empathisers, the carers, the world shakers, we know how it works. We know how much of the world is held up by misogyny, racism, class war, ablism and homophobia. While we strive to make the world a brighter place, we're reminded every day just how much injustice and oppression we're fighting.

But behind our rage, our disappointment and perhaps our indifference, lies a bigger danger. A loss of hope.

The same loss of hope that can lead to despair, depression, and total burnout. We can start to feel like we've become disillusioned and we've lost our purpose.

And that's completely normal. Especially with such a build up, so much uncertainty, and with the news and political parties installing fear into every essence of our being

But seriously, it doesn't have to be that way.

Being burnt out isn't a trophy of your hard work. It doesn't justify your work as an activist, and it certainly isn't a measure of how much you care.

It's a call that you need to start looking after yourself, and regain your strength.

Turn off the news. Go off grid. Do something completely unrelated. Find whatever it is that takes you outside of the activist realm and gives you peace, and go do it.

That doesn't mean that you won't start again tomorrow, next week or next year. You're not giving up on the the world. It doesn't mean you don't care about the world.

It simply means you acknowledge that before you can help others, you need to help yourself first. You need to replenish yourself, regain your strength, and find a way to keep grounded in what's important to you, as well as the cause.

And the great thing about that?

You start to see your own wellbeing on the same level as the cause. And as a result of that, you start playing a more important role in the cause. You start to bring a new perspective, and action that only you can bring.

And it starts to become sustainable. You can impact change in a measured way, that doesn't drain you or demoralise you.

You can bring more joy into your life, amongst the trauma and the pain.

You can start to feel good, amongst the shit and quit feeling bad about that.

You can change the people around you, who will change the people around them, and then slowly, you begin to change the world.

One person, one mindset at a time.

Change doesn't always have to come in the form of a political upheaval, especially if that system isn't rigged to work anyway.

Change can come from deciding to share more positivity with those closest from you. From deciding to make sure you use community facilities, and encouraging your friends to do the same.

Change can come from picking up shopping for your next door neighbour when you go out. From making an effort to welcome new people into your community.

Change can happen from a smile.

We spend so much time focusing on the end goal that we become depleted and detached.

What if the end goal was to impact the world by becoming the best person you can be, to be a positive influence to those closest to you , in the faith that it'll rub off on them and the cycle will continue?

So wherever you are, whatever you're fighting for, take the time now to take care of yourself.

Because that's truly the best thing you can do for the world in the long run.

Yours,

A fellow fighter

peace-outline

What happens when you make a change from a place of hope, not fear

I talked a while ago on here about being guilty of future tripping. Getting so lost in what we want to do in the future, and not focusing on the present. I also mentioned that I had big changes which I would share when I was ready. And I'm ready.

Turning my life upside down

In December, I handed in my notice to my permanent job. In January, I handed in my notice on my house. And in March, I'm going to be moving to London in with my other half's family for a while, to save up to go travelling.

I have literally turned my life upside down, and it’s pretty fucking terrifying.

I have moments where I just sit here and think when the hell did I get so brave. I also have times where the more rational side of me comes out wonders what the hell I'm doing.

But you know what? I'm going to be honest - my life situation - up until the I made the decision to really shake shit up - hasn't been serving me.

I'd been thinking about a change for a long time, but I was just too scared to jump. And when I say jump, the options I saw available to me were changing my job, and moving somewhere cheaper. They weren’t both, and moving across the country, and making my dreams of travelling a reality.

All that time thinking about the need to shake things up, I was seriously scared of change. I'd rather be miserable most of the time than take a leap into the unknown.

Sobbing and decisions

One evening in December, I just came home and sobbed. I felt really trapped. The realisation that we'd got a house which was beautiful, but was putting a lot of pressure on us financially and limiting our choices was starting to dawn on me. And the situation I was in employment wise just wasn't serving me anymore, and was simply making me miserable.

The two main and concrete things I had made clear decisions on in my life - where to live and where to work, were just draining

me.

But it wasn’t as movie-like as it sounds like - as if a rock just fell on my head and I woke up to face the music.

It was a long time coming, and it was an evening of really painful desperation, clinging onto any hope of things changing I could get.

It had always been my dream to go travelling and I’d started to believe it was never going to happen. The years were creeping by and I was putting it off for security, something I thought I wanted.

And security became a great excuse for not acting on my dreams, and staying in shit situations that I knew weren’t good for me.

A lot of the motivation for change came from knowing that the only thing stopping me was me

Fear's been what's kept me in my situation longer than was good for me.

I was only able to make the active decisions from a place of real hope rather than out of fear.

Taking risks

Yeah, of course it was a risk handing in my notice on both my job and my house, but luckily we're in the situation where we've got families who are being really emotionally supportive and won't see us homeless.

And I'm completely aware that if it wasn't for that, then our options would have been much more limited, and we're really lucky to have such supportive people around us.

But thankfully, it’s all worked out.

Panic number one has been handled regarding what’s going to happen to my beautiful bunnies. Thankfully they’ll be going to live with my Mum and Dad who love them more than me (I’m kidding, I think!) and who really need some bunny love in their lives.

As for the rest, and future panics, I’m prepared.

I handed in my notice early to have all of February to sort things out without stressing, and it’s working. I’ve got a long list of things to do, but they’re not all house related. I’ve got time to read books I’ve been wanting to read, as well as having time to bubble wrap things and sort through junk.

February is seriously busy for me, and I’ve also got a lot of illness in my family right now, and things are really hard.

But I know if I don’t do this now, I don’t know if I will.

And it’s exciting. But also sad (I’ll go more into that in future posts).

So that's why I've been a bit quiet lately. I've really missed blogging. It hasn't been because I haven't wanted to, but because things in my life are changing in such a big way.

I’m looking forward to keeping you guys updated, and living what I write about.

[Tweet "Sometimes we just need to get out of our own way and take another look at our dreams and really believe in them."]

Why believing you matter will change your life (and the world)

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The below image is the front page of my Radical Self Love Bible (if you haven't already checked it out, I can't recommend the Radical Self Love Bible School by Gala Darling enough!)

And I'm really happy with my front page, because it reminds me that no matter how shit a situation it is, if you can not only remember but believethat you matter, then you can get through all sorts of things.

Small changes and big changes, good things and great things - they all stem from believing that you matter.

But the most important thing? It's about hearing it from ourselves, not relying on other people to make us feel great.

Other people are great at telling us what we're doing wrong, and what we can improve, and that's what we end up focusing on. Think about it - when was the last time someone gave you criticism?

Now - when was the last time someone complimented you?

It's harder to remember the last one isn't it? And I bet the negative comment played on your mind for a lot longer.

The thing about feeling like you matter, is that when you start believing it, all kinds of things start falling into place.

You start making decisions from a different place; one of self value and worth. You start treating yourself better, which can only be good, and you start suddenly finding routes and ways for things you've been wanting to do but thought were a long distant dream.

Sounds good, right? So how do we go about believing that we matter?

Practical Tips

1. Do something you're good at, often. It doesn't need to be so impressive. Recognise your strengths and play to them when you can.

2. Do something you enjoy. It's as simple as that. Get lost in something that makes you feel amazing, and live in the moment.

3. Build a protective bubble around things that make you feel shitty. Have a job you hate? A relative that makes you want to scream? Build great things around the time you spend doing things that aren't so great, and remember them, often.

4. Do something that scares you. When you face fear and do something that scares you (even if only a little bit), you get to see first hand just how strong you are, and how you can tackle things you never thought you could.

5. Think about the things you'll regret not doing, and try and find a good reason not to do them. If you can find one, forget it. If you can't, make a plan.

You fucking matter. You really do. And it's when you start to value yourself that you make the change in the world, that only you can do. 

This one word could change everything

As passionate women who are committed to making an impact in the world, we tend to say yes a shitload more than we say no.

Imagine:

1. A colleague asks you if you could do a bit of extra work as they won't get round to it and they've got a really important deadline to meet. You've always got on really well with this person on a personal level, but this isn't the first time they've asked. You wanted to get home normal time because you've had a really long week and it's the one night of the week where you have the house/flat to yourself. You can nearly hear that book calling you from your bedside table. But you know if you do that piece of work, it'll be great for your company, and it really doesn't take much.

2, A friend asks you last minute if you can have a quick look over a letter they're writing. You're rushing out of the house and need to get going, but you love your friend, and know it won't take long. You don't want to be late to dinner with your sister, but you're sure she'll understand when you explain it. Everyone usually does, afterall!

Let's say you say yes to both your colleague and your friend. Despite being completely different scenarios, there are two things that are happening here.

1) You technically could do it

2) You're putting their needs ahead of your own.

Technically, you could stay around to do that extra bit of work, or read over that letter for your friend. It probably wouldn't take you that long, and sometimes the end justifies the means right? Both are possible, feed into your image of being a good person (no offence, I'm completely with you here), and are pretty easy.

But let's throw a couple of other scenarios into the pot as well.

Technically you could create a pair of wings, go jump off a building and try to fly.

Technically, you could eat your body's weight in chocolate,

Technically, you could sell your left foot on the black market.

But it doesn't mean you're going to. You I could do all of those things, but it doesn't mean you should. They would end in a great result, to say the least!

The difference between the situation? Acknowledging the difference between could and should.

Let's shake shit up. Technically you could do it, but that doesn't mean you have to/should do it. 

Here's the thing. When you say yes for the reason that you could do it because it is possible, your needs go further and further down the list. It's only something little, you tell yourself.

But when you add all of those little things together, including the energy and time, that leaves very little left for you.

They add up.

So here are some things to try out:

1) Most important, life changing tip - replace your shoulds with coulds

2) Deliberately say no to one thing that you could do, but you don't want to (for whatever reason).

3) Watch and monitor how people react when you say no. Is it what you expected, and how does that make you feel?

I don't know about you, but when I replace should with could, life feels a bit lighter. I feel like I have more choices, I feel like I'm a bit more free.

Pep talk - what do you keep meaning to do?

Last night I did something that I've been meaning to do since this time last year. It's not profound, it's not impressive, it's something that's really simple.

And that was get in bed at 7pm with a good book and spend the whole evening in bed reading.

That might not be your cup of tea, but bear with me.

Last November, I went to Geneva for a long weekend by myself. I'd already spent most of every day by the Lake, visiting the Red Cross Museum (I would thoroughly recommend it) and having a good explore. It got to the night time, and I wasn't staying in the nicest of areas and I also hadn't clocked on how expensive everything in Geneva would be. (It was also very dark). So I decided to have a night in, as in from 5pm onwards.

It was the first time I had ever spent a weekend alone, and although I was terrified before I went, it was the one weekend that taught me that my own company is something I hugely value.

I'm sat in my hostel after cooking creamy tomato pasta (my lack of French meant I ended up putting a whole tub of creme fraiche in, yuk), and wondering what to do.

The thought crosses my mind just to get in bed and settle down with the new Jodi Picoult book I'd bought. So I did, only slightly judging my boring self for not going out to do more exploring.

And it was one of the nicest and relaxing evenings in I can remember.

Since getting back, getting in bed early with a book has been something I've tried to do, and often failed. Life often gets in the way, and often, I'm just not in the mood.

So, last night, I just did it.

I knew I had a couple of things I needed to do, but I put them to the back of my mind, and just got in bed and opened my book.

And the first thought that came to my mind was, why do I not do this more often?! But instead of beating myself up about it, I just enjoyed the moment and finished my book, waking up feeling more rejuvenated than I have in the last couple of weeks.

So that brings me back to the title of this post. What do you keep meaning to do? I don't mean a chore, or something that's on your to-do list. What's something that you've done before and meant to try again? What's something relaxing you've always fancy?

Now, go and do it. And if you can't do it, schedule it in for the next couple of days. You don't need a reason for it, just do it.

It's often the things that our mind and bodies need that we fail to do, because like I said before, life just gets in the way.

So do it now, bask in it, and plan to do it again!

What do you keep meaning to do? Get out your planner, and schedule it in! And tell me all about it in the comments!

Decision making 101 - heart vs logic

When was the last time you made a decision for yourself without relying on others? For some, that might not even be an issue, for others, it’s a bit of a wake up call.

Giving decisions away

I have always relied on others to help me make decisions. I find big decisions scary, and have always asked people around me for their ten cents (or twenty, hell, maybe a dollar). I can recall plenty of times where I would have happily given the decision for someone else to make, just for it to be out of my hands, and for the decision to be made dammit. This was the case when deciding whether to quit a job, change courses and get my adorable house rabbits.

In the past, I’ve got myself so het up trying to make decisions that I’ve ended up feeling sick, and becoming truly obsessive. I’m like a girl with a one track mind (minus the filth).

If you spoke to me on any given day a  couple of years ago and asked me what my gut feeling was, it would have gone something like this:

‘I think I know what I should do, but what if a happens. What is b doesn’t happen. What about c? What do you think?’

‘I shouldn’t do it. There. I’ve made my decision’. A couple of minutes later ‘Nope, I’m going to do it, ahhhh I don’t know what to do’

Hence the need to rely on others in making decision.

But here’s the thing. When you start relying on others to help you make decisions, they’re not your decisions. This may seem obvious, and it is, but there are a  myriad of underlying factors that I didn’t realise while running to other people:

1. The only person that has your best interests at heart is you

It doesn’t matter how much someone loves you, or does for you, at the end of the day, the person who cares most about what happens to you is yourself. I’m not being mean, I’m telling you the truth. Hence the best person to make decisions in your life really is you.

2. The people you turn to may have their own motives

Hard to admit but sometimes true. And they might not even realise it.

3. Your self esteem

Take a minute to think about the internal messages you’re sending to yourself when you’re looking to other people to (help) make decisions for you. You’re telling yourself ‘I can’t do this on my own’, ‘I don’t trust myself to make a good decision’ and ‘Other people have more control over my life’. These aren’t good messages.

4. Dependency culture

If you get to the point where you can’t make a decision without phoning a friend (or using a lifeline - kudos if you got the reference), you become dependent on other people. Power within relationships becomes reinforced and that doesn’t make for a healthy relationship.

But we don’t think of them. We focus on how much better it is to have more people involved in the decision making process. Maybe there is even some relief, that if it doesn’t work out, you’re not the only one to blame (or so you may tell yourself).

I’m not advocating for all decisions to be made by yourself all the time.

I’m advocating for trust in yourself.

[Tweet " You know how to make good decisions for yourself."]

Exercise

If that sounds all good and well but you’ve got no idea how to go about it, try these on for size:

•   Set a timer-  there’s a great quote that says that every problem can be solved in 15 minutes. Next time you’re stuck, set a timer, apply the below and see where it gets you.

•   Make a decision and don’t go back on it, (if it feels right.) Sometimes our decisions aren’t logical. Sometimes, what may logistically work out, is the very thing we try to avoid. (For example, let’s say I want to make money. It may make logical sense to climb the corporate ladder in a job I don’t enjoy. That’s just not going to work for me, because I value my time a lot more than I value money). The heart usually wins over the mind.

•   Pros & Cons list - good old fashioned two column list works like a treat, just be sure to remember that some points are worth more than others, so tallying each side up and seeing which one is the highest doesn’t always work.

•   What makes you feel good? As long as you’re not exploiting others, this is often the best to go with.

[Tweet "Living a whole hearted and heart centred life starts with trusting yourself."]

You, and only you are the expert in your life.

You know what makes you happy, you know what makes you want to scream, and what sends you running for your duvet.

Friends & families are important and they do matter when it comes to the big decisions, but when you’re making a decision to make your life more [insert your own adjective here], you’re the only one that can make the decision and get it right.

How to deal with dreamshitters (or when to tell people to fuck off)

Some people are just dreamshitters, soul crushers and downright mean.* I think you know who I’m talking about.

That friend who patronises your ideas and points out all the flaws in any plan before you’ve even finished your sentence. The teachers, the older relatives who want you to just be realistic. Or the people who like to shout you down and give their opinions for no reason.

Whether you’re starting out, trying something new or just going about your daily life, people just love to criticise.

This post isn’t about becoming sympathetic to where their issues are coming from. It’s not about enhancing empathy skills or practicing loving kindness.

It’s a gentle reminder of when to tell people to fuck right off.

So let’s take a look at the three main groups of dreamshitters and possible solutions.

1. The Helpers

These are people who might genuinely have our best interests at heart and may even have no awareness as to what they’re doing. This is an important group, because it’s often this group that are closer to us, and often the people we turn to support for when we’re in our hour of need or feel like giving up. Now, there is a certain level of understanding there, but something much stronger and important needs to be in place as well. Boundaries. It’s perfectly ok to change conversation, refuse to talk about any plans you may have, and brush off comments. But if they continue to belittle and undermine your dreams, it’s ok to tell them to fuck off.

2. The Know-It-All

These are the people who have seen and done everything that life has to offer (hell, they’ve even got the matching pants). These are the not-quite-acquaintances who seem to have experience on a myriad of life pursuits and feel the need to make judgements on every aspect of your lifestyle. You know the ones - ("I remember the time when I…." or "Really? You’re thinking of doing that? I remember when…"). Those. Cutting them off short and leaving the conversation is a good idea. Alternatively, it’s ok to tell them to fuck off.

DREAM SHITTERS WEB

3. The Shitters

Oh these people just love to spoil your fun. They’re quite happy to make a comment, carry on with the rest of their day and not give you a second thought. A shout out goes to the online trolls and the people in the street who feel you need to hear a running commentary of how you look today. (A particular shout out to the man on the bike today who felt the need to make his opinion of my breasts known to me while I was sitting on a bench by the river. He may or may not have inspired this post.) These are the sad people who get their kicks from humiliating people in public. Depending on the situation, it’s ok to tell them to fuck off - it may help or exasperate the situation. Flipping the bird is also an option.

Many people don’t chase after their dreams. There are billions of reasons why.

But for many people, it comes down to one main thing.

Chasing your dreams is fucking scary. The fact that you’re even considering it puts you lightyears in front of the general population.

Let alone if you act on them.

So, stand tall, hold your head up and be proud.

Whoever you are, whatever you’re doing, no matter you dream, don’t let the shitters get you down, not matter how much they are just trying to help.

*I do not take credit for ‘dream shitters’. This gem comes from Jo Tucker of http://jo-tucker.com

Self care is not bullshit

Let's make this short and sweet.

Most of us want to live.

Most of us want to achieve our dreams.

We all have a limited amount of energy and time.

If we hit the ground running and never stop to think of ourselves, we will fall to the ground.

Therefore looking after yourself is not bullshit.

It's a necessary requirement of every day life to keep us going and to ensure we enjoy our lives to the fullest.

Have a nice day :)

What trimming my bush taught me about my mind garden

I would love a nice garden. A lovely garden with flowers of every colour, a nice patio set and some home-made lemonade, outside where I do my best work. The reality is that right now, my life is super busy, and even mowing the lawn (it’s not even a big lawn) only happens when we realise that the garden’s owning us, not the other way around.

After a particularly stressful day, I decided to pick up the shears and tackle the bushes that have been growing wildly for quite some time now. We have ivy growing around fencing, flower bushes cutting off the sunlight to others, and branches of bushes going from one side of the garden to the other. It’s pretty much an overgrown mess.

(There is a point to all this.)

Now, I’m no garden expert. I mean, I hacked at the bush like a trainee hairdresser having a go at her first mannequin.

I found plants I didn’t even know I had. I found strange yellow things growing in the ground that may have resembled potatoes quite some time ago. And I discovered a tree stump.

It got me thinking.

Overgrown gardens are a bit like our minds. (Bare with me, I’m not gonna get super woo-woo).

There are some things we don’t nourish, there are things that we neglect, and sometimes we just don’t take the time or the effort to look deeper at things.

As people who spend a lot of our lives on fast forward, always thinking of the next thing, and subsequently often feeling drained, I think it’s fair to say that at some point or another, we stop observing our thoughts and focus only on what we can see.

MIND GARDEN WEB

Sometimes we skim the surface, accept the first thing that comes to mind and don’t care to take another look. It may be a reaction to a situation, a feeling when we hear good or bad news, a spurge of emotion when things don’t go the way we plan.

Sometimes it’s the things that are hidden which are the most surprising and the most valuable.

Our hidden things could be memories we haven’t thought about in a long time. They could be life plans that we’re too scared to follow. Perhaps they’re dreams we’re too terrified to admit even to ourselves? Or areas of our lives that we want to change, but have no idea how.

But what do I do when I discover the hidden things? I hear you ask.

Here are a couple of things you could try:-

1. Sit it out

I think this is by far the hardest. When you’re not used to sitting down as you’re always on full pelt, sitting with uncomfortable emotions can be really tough. On the other hand though, it can be really beneficial. Sometimes it’s about giving yourself the time to sit on your sofa in the quiet and focussing on one thing. You’d be surprised at how your mind makes links, and how you can discover things about yourself you never knew.

2. Write it out

Or draw it out. Or doodle it out. Creative arts are a great therapy. There’s something about getting lost in your thoughts, getting lost in the flow that gives you head space like nothing else. Put on some nice music, create something that you’re not expecting to be a masterpiece and shake it out.

3. Talk it out

Sometimes there’s nothing like a good heart to heart over a good cup of hot chocolate. Or picking up the phone and pacing back and forth. Good friends help to keep us grounded, keep us feeling connected and provide a judgement-free space. Sometimes it’s about remembering that we’re not alone..

4. Time out

Our minds are strange things. There’s times when uncomfortable thoughts will pop out of nowhere. The trick is not to ignore them, but if you’re not in the right space, it’s about finding a way to contain them. Maybe make a plan to think about it later, maybe it’s something we’d like to work through with a professional, maybe it’s something we’d just rather not acknowledge. Have some time out and go back to it. The lens we see the world through changes every day.

One of the most liberating things to learn is that we control our thoughts. We can decide what we think. We can decide how much air time we give to what.

Think about that.

Is trying to relax stressing you out?

Picture the scene.

It's been a hard few weeks. You just want to relax. Everyone has seemed to want something from you, the bags under your eyes look bigger than your credit card bills, you yawn more than you talk and you can't remember then last time your brain just shut up.

So you've taken an afternoon away from everything. Or an hour. Whatever you can spare. And you're going to do something nice.

It might be picking up the book that's been on your bed side table for the last couple of months, catching up on a TV series, going out for a walk, meeting up with a friend or trying a new recipe.

You're all set. You've been looking for forward to this.

When you’ve really struggled, you’ve had this to fall back on.

Now the time has come.

And you are STRESSED.

You can't pick what to do. The minutes are ticking by. You can't make a decision. The endless options of nice things to do has turned into a quasi to do list and you haven't got a clue where to start.

Sound familiar?

I’ve been there. Multiple times. It’s similar to when you think of something to write and you get it all sorted in your head -  the moment you hit that blank page, it was as if what you had in mind never existed.

So here are a some things you can do if you’re faced with relaxation paralysis:

1. Do the first thing that comes to your head

Pick one and commit. It sounds a lot simpler than it is, but remember why you set aside this time for yourself. It’s not about doing everything at once, although that's how our minds often default.

2. Pick one and schedule the others

Similar to the first one, pick the one that appeals to you most in the moment, but first take five minutes to schedule in your other plans. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, if it’s not in the schedule then it doesn’t exist? While that’s not completely true, as people who have a tendency to put self care and relaxation on the back burner, sometimes we do need that extra push to make sure we take the time.

3. Do nothing

Aka the beautiful Italian phrase dolce far niente; the beauty of doing nothing. Sometimes it’s about not having a plan, giving your mind some space and enjoying being in the present. You never know what ideas will surface.

And remember, if nothing else, all of our experiences are learning curves. You may have felt like your time was a waste, felt like you could have done something else, but your mind and body appreciate the break.

Have you had a similar experience? I’d love to hear about it  and what you did to overcome it in the comments below!

Believe in yourself, not just other people

I’ve written before on my blog about how inspired I get by big adventures and taking risks. You know what it’s like. You’re watching your favourite team on a Saturday night (or like me, watching Nashville) and you’re rooting for them to score (or get back together). You’re watching your friend take make a big decision and rooting for them, regardless of the outcome. You’re watching someone (anyone) taking a big risk and your heart is pounding, you’re holding your breath, hoping for the best outcome.

You’re aching for them, and sometimes it’s difficult to watch, but you can’t tear your eyes away. What’s so strange is the emotional investment we have in others (often strangers), in comparison to ourselves.

The sense of belief, the sense that everything will work out no matter what the outcome, the sense that when your best friend puts her heart on the line and to quote Brene Brown, dares greatly, you will be fucking proud of her no matter what happens.

What we’re not thinking about, when we’re watching our favourite player score (I don’t know what’s with the sports metaphors) is what’s going through their head.

The adrenaline, the fear of failure, the desperation to achieve, the way they feel alive, the way they’re worrying about letting themselves, and other people down.

We’re watching them, like they could fly. We’re hoping for them, we’re there with them.

Yet when we take risks ourselves, we mainly tend to focus on the what ifs; what if we fail, what if we don’t succeed, what if we regret it.

How often do we pause to think of what if we do so well that we fly?

Recently I’ve got (too) into watching vine compilations on YouTube and I think I’ve found my favourite which sums up what I’m trying to say perfectly.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Wvg-U302D4

Check out the dog (in a life jacket). She begins cautiously, and look how, with a little encouragement, she spreads her little doggy paws and just fucking goes for it.

And all the way through (all of about 6 seconds), we are rooting for her.

We’re willing her to take the risk,

And she does.

We feel better. We smile.

Maybe this is just me, but I feel so proud of that little corgi, and I find it bizarrely inspiring.

So next time you’re wondering whether or not to take that risk, think of the corgi. Think of how you could fly.

And think of how you’ll be happy with yourself for doing it, even if you don’t sprout wings.

Are we 'catfishing' ourselves?

I’ve recently got really into the TV programme Catfish. I don’t know whether it’s just a human interest thing, or because me and my partner met online ten years ago, but I’m a bit addicted. There’s just something about watching people at their most vulnerable, put themselves out there and pick themselves back up and start a new journey.

(The premise for any one who hasn’t seen it - which I’m going to assume is quite a few people - is that two people meet online, start a relationship and one of them ultimately wants to find out if the other person is who they say they are. Long story short, they go to meet the person, find out it’s not who they thought it was - typically an overweight version or a stolen profile picture  - and try to work out whether they want further contact with them).

Anyway, it’s got me thinking about perception; how we perceive ourselves, how we project ourselves to other people, and how we recognise ourselves.

I wonder how many of us really take the time to recognise who we are today. I’m sure if I was starting a new relationship online, the person who I present myself as would be an amalgamation of who I am right now, the best bits of who I’ve been in the past, and elements of the person I’d like to be.

I’m wondering, if we were meeting ourselves, would we even recognise ourselves? Or are we ‘catfish’ing ourselves?

Would we want to see the truth, or would we be more comfortable with the socially accepted lens?

There’s something really courageous about looking at who we are, what our life is like, right now, and owning it.

For example. I like to project a version of myself to others who is really confident, outgoing and sociable. The truth right now in this moment?

I don’t want to leave the house, and I want to be on my own, so I get the time to hibernate, rejuvenate and prevent myself from burning out.

And that is really hard to admit.

I don’t particularly feel like showering, right now as I’m writing this, I’d love to leave the house and go sit in a coffee shop, but I don’t feel strong enough.

For me, it’s about getting to the stage where I’m okay with that, and today I am.

And I think it’s only from a place of truth and vulnerability that we can make the changes we want in our lives. It’s about acknowledging the shit and not downplaying the fucking amazing things about ourselves.

Right now, I’m recognising my good points , playing to my strengths and looking to the future to see how I can shine brighter.

What about you?

[Tweet "Who do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you see a version of yourself that you’d love to return to? Do you see the potential for who you could be?"]

Or do you meet yourself where you’re at in this moment?

Because right now we only have this moment. That’s all we’re guaranteed.

Are you catfishing yourself? I'd love to hear about it in the comments!

How to create your own escape plan

I should first start with this. I love plans. I am a complete nerd. I love planning. I hardly ever stick to them, but there’s something about the sense of control, the reduction of anxiety, and the idea of dreams becoming reality that I find really appealing. Not quite Ryan Gosling appealing though. I’ll leave that for my X rated blog that is not appropriate to share here (joke, I’m way to busy for that.)

I love the big plans, the no-fucking-way plans, the big ass plans that make the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

Nothing inspires me more than hearing stories of people who decide they want to change things up so make a plan to pack their things, travel the world or go move to another country and design a life that follows their passions.

But I also LOVE the small plans. The maybe plans, the just incase plans, the they-look-comforting-on-my-flower-post-it-note-plans.

As passionate people, I think it’s fair to say we get in all kinds of sticky situations. Through genuinely wanting to help other people, and wanting to use our strengths and skills for good, we end up in circumstances we don’t want to be in. We tend to say yes. A lot. It’s as if the word wants to burst out of our mouths before we’ve even been asked something.

I mean, we’ve all been there - roped into ‘helping’ someone we vaguely know (read: doing all the work for a project that we thought would take ten minutes), trying to get away with checking our watches to find a way out of a meeting, sitting with a friend we haven’t seen in a while - and now we remember why - and trying to find an excuse to leave but our imagination seems to have flown out of the window.

Or maybe we’re just somewhere we really don’t want to be, but we can’t find a way out. This is especially pertinent to being in the depths of burnout when we're forced to stop, or feel completely overwhelmed. Our anxiety levels can increase, the simplest of tasks can feel impossible and our confidence and self esteem can dip.

Now, learning to say no is another completely different topic so I'll leave that for a separate post. What I want to talk about here is what we can do to keep a strong sense of who we are and what we want, in moments we wish we could escape.

And that's where the small plans come in. A list of 4 things that you can do when things get too much and you want out. Like, right now.

Everyone is going to have different escape plans, so I'll share mine to give you an idea.

1. The bathroom breathing plan

This is one of my favourites. If you're stuck somewhere, let's say work for example and you start feeling overwhelmed and get the 'must leave now' urge, the bathroom could well be your best friend. When fight or flight kicks in, I can calmly walk to the bathroom, lock myself in a stall and BREATHE. Makes all the difference.

2.  The deadline plan

I often use this when I'm nervous or my anxieties are playing up. I set myself an ideal time that I would like to finish the activity/conversation/whatever it is that I'm worrying about. Then I half it. Now here is the important part - tell the person/people your second, shorter deadline at the earliest possible moment. Set the expectation and boundaries at the earliest possibility and it takes a lot of  the stress away. You might even find that you stay longer than you thought because you start to enjoy yourself now you're not under so much pressure and have the option to escape.

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3. The treat plan

Sometimes, and this pains me to say it, there are very little ways out. Sometimes, things just have to be done. For those times, plan yourself a treat for after. Give yourself something to really look forward to. It could be having a nice coffee after, buying a magazine, having a long soak in the bath or something else that makes you feel good. It's about acknowledging you got through it when you thought you couldn't, and being proud of yourself.

4. The honest plan

Honesty is sometimes the best policy. Making people aware of your feelings can often work out in your best interest. Generally people are so wrapped up in themselves that they don't take much time to think of anything else. What you think must be blindingly obvious to them (your nerves, anxiety, panic), more likely than not goes completely over their heads. By making people aware of how you're feeling - if you feel able to - you might be surprised by how supportive they are, and how much release this gives you. (But perhaps don't tell your friend she is a complete fun-sucker, it is always nice to treat people how you like to be treated after all).

So next time you feel stuck somewhere you don't want to be, or everything gets too much, get this baby out of your toolbox and take her for a spin.

What are your escape plans? I'd love to hear about them in the comments!

Fooling yourself into taking time out

I have grown up with a strong sense of selflessness and caring for others. As I’ve written about before, in the past, I've really struggled with doing my best, putting healthy boundaries around my work and my personal life, and taking on too much. Sometimes this has manifested in the form of illness (both physical and mental), resentment, confusion and huge disappointment.

However one thing has stayed pretty stable during these periods. I am a creative person with a need to create, but I don’t make time to let myself create.

There are countless numbers of times where I’ve sat at my desk in a spare ten minutes, and thought about the novels I one day want to write. There are times when I’ve built myself up to getting really excited at work about my latest project, but by the time I get home, I’ve got another to do list on the go, and frankly not enough energy or time to do things for myself.

That got me thinking. What can we do, - while quietening our guilt/busybee complex - that is ultimately going to work for ourselves?

In other words, how can we trick ourselves into slowing down and having valuable down time, while not having to fight off feelings of guilt and thinking of the billion and one things that we need to do.

Temporary Solution: do things that we love to do and find relaxing, and blend them with our need to serve others.

Before I start really exploring this, I want to just make an aside. We’re talking about first steps here - in no way am I saying that we should only be creative for the sake of other people’s happiness.

We should make art because art matters. We should express ourselves because we have a human need to express ourselves, and for creativity’s sake.

But, when we’re busy humming around, taking care of everyone but ourselves and don’t have a moment spare, and we're not in a place where we are able to recognise our own needs, this can be a great start.

So let’s take an example  - I enjoy making jewellery. I enjoy putting different colours and textures together, using my own unique tastes to create bold jewellery that has personal meaning.

But, I rarely make jewellery for myself.

OK, maybe every six months or so, I might get out my wires, beads and cutters and sit in front of the TV and make myself a couple of pairs, but that is extremely rare.

When I do make the time and the space to create, it’s been to make gifts for other people. That’s not good and I’m really not advocating for people to begin and continue their creative projects for the sake of others, but if we’re not going to be able to get creativity into our life in other ways, then perhaps this is a temporary solution.

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Going back to my jewellery making - if I allow myself the space and time for a couple of evenings to make some jewellery, say, to cheer up my best friend who is feeling down,   I’ve metaphorically (of course) killed two birds with one stone. I’ve met my need to help others, and I’ve also met my typically not-so-recognised need of relaxing and taking some time out.

If we can approach creating for others as a relaxing activity - I’m not talking about deciding to crochet your neighbour a  five foot by 3 foot granny square blanket for the next day! I'm talking about random act of kindness that we can do at our own pace, where we can take time out of our busy days and really reap the benefits of being creative and relaxing.

I know, I know, I'm the first to complain when people suggest the first step of self care is giving to others. But let's work with what we know as a spring board and bounce from that. The end goal is finding time in our hectic lives to look after ourselves, and if tricking ourselves for now is the only thing that's going to do it, I say, give it a shot!

As always, I'd love to hear from you about the ways you find to be creative in your lives. Does this work for you? What silences those voices for you, so that you can take care of yourself?